why do I feel like I am still in high School???

[petrymom]

I am in need of advise, or maybe just support.

I have a 5th grade DS who has an AVID love for sports. We live in a rural school district, one of the biggest in our area.

DS is involved in baseball, basketball and football. He is currently on a tournament team for basketball. The same kids on this team are the ones on his baseball team. I always feel like DS is cheated in the game some way. AND, okay bad mother time here, I HATE dealing with the other kids parents. I left his tourney today and cried.

I try to be nice, but I always feel that my family is not good enough. I feel like I am back in high school and I am dealing with 30 and 40 year old women. Their actions toward my son and a couple of others just IRES me. I don't know what to do.

Issue today - the team is split into 2 groups of five. The "popular" boys on one set and DS and other 4 on the other. They were told at the beginning that all would have equal play time. Well, 2 games today, all 4 quarters DS's set of 5 boys played 2:30 inutes each quarter and POPULAR boys played 3:30 each quarter.

So am I a bad mom, too sensitive, what do I do? Even DS mentioned the time difference today. There are so many issues I could add, but I hate to make the post too long, please help baseball season starts soon and it starts all over!!!!!!!

 

[MELSMICE]

If this is bothering you that much you may want to think of putting your DS on another team. This way you both could make new friends. Just a thought.

 

[KelNottAt]

I find that the "rec" teams are far less cliquey and stressful than the "travel" and "tournament" teams. Maybe moving him out of a win-win-win environment to a fun-fun-fun environment would help.

 

[Stitchfans]

Wish I had some advice but I don't. Seen it happened, and have experienced it personally all I can offer is

 

[Disney Doll]

Is a minute's difference worth of playing time all that significant????? I mean, that pretty much is 50/50.

As far as the other parents are concerned...if you don't feel like you are good enough, they are going to read that and go with it, if you KWIM. I am assuming you haven't killed anyone or committed some other heinous crime against nature or humanity, right? So, go in there with your head held high, act like an adult and be above all the "adults" there.

Remember, even if they have more material things than you, they still have the same problems...maybe sometimes more problems, than you.

 

[MAKmom]

Just because you feel that way does not mean its true. Everyday tell yourself out loud I am a strong ,powerful woman. I am well & I am happy. Stop saying & thinking negative things about yourself. Try this for a week & see how you feel.

 

[nwdisgal]

I am in need of advise, or maybe just support.

I have a 5th grade DS who has an AVID love for sports. We live in a rural school district, one of the biggest in our area.

DS is involved in baseball, basketball and football. He is currently on a tournament team for basketball. The same kids on this team are the ones on his baseball team. I always feel like DS is cheated in the game some way. AND, okay bad mother time here, I HATE dealing with the other kids parents. I left his tourney today and cried.

I try to be nice, but I always feel that my family is not good enough. I feel like I am back in high school and I am dealing with 30 and 40 year old women. Their actions toward my son and a couple of others just IRES me. I don't know what to do.

Issue today - the team is split into 2 groups of five. The "popular" boys on one set and DS and other 4 on the other. They were told at the beginning that all would have equal play time. Well, 2 games today, all 4 quarters DS's set of 5 boys played 2:30 inutes each quarter and POPULAR boys played 3:30 each quarter.

So am I a bad mom, too sensitive, what do I do? Even DS mentioned the time difference today. There are so many issues I could add, but I hate to make the post too long, please help baseball season starts soon and it starts all over!!!!!!!

First of all, you're not a bad mom for worrying about your child and wanting the best for him. We all do. As hard as it is, try not to stress too much about this and focus on the positive. Your son is a gifted athlete and he is on a select team. There is so much to be said for that in itself! That said, life is largely based on perspective, and sometimes thinking about the bigger picture helps - at least it helps me when I'm feeling sad As an example, I spent my week talking to DS teacher about my DS and basketball, but this is how our conversation went. She's the coach of the local youth basketball team and also a Special Ed teacher at our school. My DS is a year younger than yours, and my DS has Autism. His motor skills are such that he can't throw a basketball into the hoop yet. He's still learning what it is like to play in a group setting and follow rules and the group dynamics of game playing. The coach had offered to let my son come and watch and participate with their group (as he was able) at practice to see how typically developing boys play basketball and to learn the basics. Our goal is getting our kid to be comfortable playing games in a group setting. So you see, life isn't so bad after all...

Take a deep breath. Give your son a hug. You have a lot to be proud of and don't let those other moms get to you.

 

[mudnuri]

Well, I'm not going to minimize how you feel- however in basketball you don't sub until there is a whistle. Could it have been the group 'a' didnt have a whistle at the 3 minute mark? Generally coaches dont waste time outs to get the whistle to sub...it's not really like football, when you can swap out players on every play...or baseball where its an inning- regardless of time..

Brandy

 

[tikkipoo]

I know just how you feel. I'm not one of the "cool moms" either. It does sometimes hurt my feelings. I try very hard to think in terms of "is there anything I can do about it?" or "is it worth it?" before getting too upset. There are cliques and there isn't anything to be done about it. Bad thing is, they usually don't even know they are doing it. Try to be strong. Don't want DS to get the impression that you don't think you're good enough.

 

[nwdisgal]

I know just how you feel. I'm not one of the "cool moms" either. It does sometimes hurt my feelings. I try very hard to think in terms of "is there anything I can do about it?" or "is it worth it?" before getting too upset. There are cliques and there isn't anything to be done about it. Bad thing is, they usually don't even know they are doing it. Try to be strong. Don't want DS to get the impression that you don't think you're good enough.

You can be a "cool mom" just because you want to be. I do think a lot of times people are caught up in their own worlds and sometimes don't realize they are being that cliquey or stand-offish.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

What do you mean by tournament team? I have 4 kids--my 12yo son plays select (travel) baseball and rec basketball.

In general on his basketball team there is equal playing time. Sometimes if it's a very close game the coach will put some of the better kids in so we are more likely to win the game. Last year that could have been my son--this year it wouldn't be.

Baseball is a little different because it is a select team. They are playing to win and do not guarantee equal playing time and I don't think they should. There are times that my son is one of the best kids and other years that he's more in the middle (he's always been one of the youngest on the team) and I expect that his playing time will be determined by his batting average and his fielding. The team is competitive and that's the way it is. There have been years/coaches who have not based the line up and playing time on the batting average, etc and that has created bitter feelings.

As long as the coaches are being objective and not playing favorites I don't have a problem with not playing equal time for all the kids in a select team.

Of course that doesn't mean that the other parents need to be unfriendly or mean. There is no excuse for that. And it should be clear with the parents the criteria for playing certain kids over others. Some of our couches have been more clear about that than others.

 

[Michie]

I know just how you feel. I'm not one of the "cool moms" either. It does sometimes hurt my feelings. I try very hard to think in terms of "is there anything I can do about it?" or "is it worth it?" before getting too upset. There are cliques and there isn't anything to be done about it. Bad thing is, they usually don't even know they are doing it. Try to be strong. Don't want DS to get the impression that you don't think you're good enough.

I am one of the cool moms! Maybe only to myself, but hey, that is what counts!

I know at my DD's dance school almost all the other moms are younger but they are ALL pregnant so thankgoodness I am out of the LOOP! I just talk to the grandma's or the goodlooking grandpa's

Do you even say hello, how you doing, to the other parents?

 

[petrymom]

Thank you all for responding - I am going to be leaving soon for day two of this tournament.

I will take your advice wiht me as I go.

Michie - In respndse to your question, I have said hello and tried ot make conversation at first. After trying for a year now, it is getting really old.
Here is a good example of a moment that I knew we were not welcome with them.

Summer B-ball tourney - same set of parents as now. We were told to bring a dish to pass and all the parents would share food and have a pot luck. The next day we brought food and never even saw the other parent's food. They all took off after the game. I am assuming to eat. NOW, a positive to the baseball season. Our family was not the only family left out. There were three families and we all took our food and had our little pot luck on our own. Fortunately, my husband loves to grill out and we brought plenty for all. It was a great time with these families anyway. BUT I can't help but go away with a bad feeling that has carried on through this basketball season.

In response to Mudnuri - Yes, I do understand the whistle thing, but my son's set of kids were always the first ones in and taken out. I really do think it is just the coach and his wife are very into being good friends with the "bigger name" families. I think that must be from the Rural area situation.

ANYWAY - I will fill you all in tonight as how today goes. I am going to root my son on......

THANK YOU ALL for responding. I feel good to know that I can talk to you and you are willing to respond.....

Happy sunday!!!!

 

[mommy22gurlz]

Hang in there girl!! I know what you mean, my dd's have both been in sports, dd6 is in softball right now and definitely cliques form in the stands. With my dd13 I always felt a little left out, maybe because I was young when I had her and not very confident and the other moms all seemed to be the best of friends with eachother. With dd6 I know almost everyone and I'm a little older so maybe that made the difference. But I know that the feeling of "high school cliques" among the parents.

Be strong, don't think less of yourself...Your a great person and a great mom!! Do you know how many parents I have heard say they don't want their kids involved in sports because they just don't want to deal with it and they don't have the time for it? You just having your son involved and you being there says alot of what kind of mom/person you are.

Tammy

 

[nwdisgal]

I hope it works out for you. Sounds like you have a lot of good suggestions form parents with their kids in select sports.

My kids are in competitive swimming. The parents are the nicest bunch I've ever met. The only "clique" factor we have is parents clicking their timers. I'm not just talking about our team, but the visiting team as well. It is also the hosting club's responsibility to provide food and drinks for the visiting teams and volunteers. Nobody ever goes hungry.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

What you described in your update is nasty people. I don't know how that can be worked with and I would look for alternatives. To tell you to bring food and then not tell you where people are going to be eating is rude. I guess that you could have been more proactive and asked, but still that was rude. Sorry they are that way!

 

[disney4us2002]

Boy, oh boy, can I relate! We've decided (thank goodness) that ds is NOT playing select ball this year. Whew, that feels good just saying it. We had a long heart-to-heart with our ds about this and decided altogether. He used to love baseball, live for it, breathe it, etc. but we've noticed in the last year that he dreaded practices and tournaments. We tried three years and three teams but when the coaches are parents, it just doesn't work. There are always team favorites, regardless of skills and it drove me batty to watch my son sit out inning after inning then get put in as a designated hitter in the 6th inning and hit a triple. Last year we played 12 tournaments and 10 of them involved out of town travel. That cost adds up and affects the whole family as we all would go to cheer on ds and he'd play maybe 4 innings total out of 4 or 5 games.

Does your team (basketball or baseball) have team meetings to discuss issues? Of course, those can be a nightmare as well and can turn into shouting matches about how so and so's kid is the "star" and every one else's kid is only there to support him (yes, that actually was said at one of our meetings, lol). Often, I think parents that are coaches are trying to relive their own missed opportunities. If your ds enjoys the team, I'd bite my tongue and put on a happy face, but if he notices the differences and begins to question himself and his own ability, then it is time to intervene. No team or coach is worth your ds' self-esteem.

 

[Disney Doll]

Summer B-ball tourney - same set of parents as now. We were told to bring a dish to pass and all the parents would share food and have a pot luck. The next day we brought food and never even saw the other parent's food. They all took off after the game. I am assuming to eat. NOW, a positive to the baseball season. Our family was not the only family left out. There were three families and we all took our food and had our little pot luck on our own. Fortunately, my husband loves to grill out and we brought plenty for all. It was a great time with these families anyway. BUT I can't help but go away with a bad feeling that has carried on through this basketball season.

Please understand that what I am about to say is not meant in any way to be nasty or sarcastic.

What is the appeal of the "nasty" group that is making you try so hard to get into it?

I mean, you said yourself that the "nasty" group went off on their own and you found a group of 3 or 4 other nice families who apparently are not "up to" the "nasty" group's standards, and you guys all had a great time. So why do any of you give a hoot about the nasty group? I'm not sure I understand that.
Why do you feel that all the parents have to be one big happy family, and can't be in a couple of different groups?

As far as playing time, perhaps DH could approach the coach and say "I notice that some of the kids (and here I would name the names of the kids from the nice families you have found) get less playing time than some of the other kids (and here I would name the names of the kids of the nasty families). What do you suggest we dads work on with our kids to improve their game so they'll get the same amount of playing time as the others?" Coach may not realize that some kids are getting less time. Coach may realize it very clearly and may need to hear that other parents are realizing it too and if he doesn't watch his step the next thing that will happen is accusations of favoritism. But, as you can see, it is voiced in such a way as to sound as if DH & the others are fathers who just wants to work with their sons so they play their best.

You're right...it is high-school-like behavior on the part of the others, so don't buy into it. People like that aren't worth your time...they think they are better than you when, in reality, they are sad and small-minded.

 

[nwdisgal]

Please understand that what I am about to say is not meant in any way to be nasty or sarcastic.

What is the appeal of the "nasty" group that is making you try so hard to get into it?

I mean, you said yourself that the "nasty" group went off on their own and you found a group of 3 or 4 other nice families who apparently are not "up to" the "nasty" group's standards, and you guys all had a great time. So why do any of you give a hoot about the nasty group? I'm not sure I understand that.
Why do you feel that all the parents have to be one big happy family, and can't be in a couple of different groups?

As far as playing time, perhaps DH could approach the coach and say "I notice that some of the kids (and here I would name the names of the kids from the nice families you have found) get less playing time than some of the other kids (and here I would name the names of the kids of the nasty families). What do you suggest we dads work on with our kids to improve their game so they'll get the same amount of playing time as the others?" Coach may not realize that some kids are getting less time. Coach may realize it very clearly and may need to hear that other parents are realizing it too and if he doesn't watch his step the next thing that will happen is accusations of favoritism. But, as you can see, it is voiced in such a way as to sound as if DH & the others are fathers who just wants to work with their sons so they play their best.

You're right...it is high-school-like behavior on the part of the others, so don't buy into it. People like that aren't worth your time...they think they are better than you when, in reality, they are sad and small-minded.

Exactly. Very good point.

 

[petrymom]

Thanks again all for posting -

UPDATE - Well, I went to the tourney with with my head held high and hopes of a better day. DS's team won the first game today. Things faired well, I guess.

I did mention to another mom how I felt and she told me that there are some other parents feeling the same way. It helped me feel a bit better about our family as a whole.

Can say, though, I am glad to have basketball behind me for another year. On to baseball. DD (6) will be playing on a girl's league this year. I hope that it is better with the girl's parents.

ANYWAY - we all surivived, thanks to your support. Tomorrow's another day. AND we now have 10 months exactly until we are partying with Mickey Mouse. I reminded DS of this today.........