Why are high school girls so nasty to one another?

[Towncrier]

Today was the last day of school for my two teenagers. At lunchtime, one of the girls (let's call her Rachel) was going around passing out invites for her bonfire and party this evening. She made it a point to say that she had "run out of invitations" when she got to Sarah. Sarah said "That's OK. I know where you live." In front of all of Sarah's friends, Rachel announced that she was uninvited from the party.

Apparently Rachel has been nasty to DD Sarah for several weeks. Her uncle (let's call him Brian) is the leader of the music group that performs at our church's contemporary services on Saturday night. Her mom also performs in that group. The contemporary service generally is attended by the friends and relatives of said music group and is struggling to gather a foothold.

A little more background. Brian accused me of sabatoging the sound system for the contemporary service. It turns out that our pastor was messing around with the setting on the system and Brian just assumed that I had it out for him and the contemporary service. Although I do not hide the fact that I believe that his performances at the contemporary service are grandstanding on his part and have very little to do with worshiping God, I would never go out of my way to sabatoge his efforts.

That said, Rachel has been after Sarah for several weeks asking her "Why does your dad hate my uncle Brian?" and "Why don't you come to the contemporary service? Because your dad won't let you???" Sarah has repeatedly explained that she goes to traditional worship on Sunday with her family (much like Rachel goes to contemporary worship service on Saturday with hers) and she sees no reason to change.

When James and Sarah had their band party this past Memorial Day weekend, they both made sure to invite Rachel. And yet she repays this kindness by being a little witch.

Sarah was so looking forward to celebrating the end of school with her friends and now it appears that she will be home alone tonight. I so want to do something to let Rachel's parents know what's going on, but Sarah has begged us not to do anything. She knows that it will just make things worse.

So I ask again. Why do teenage girls exhibit such mental meanness to each other? I just don't get it.

 

[HTH]

To be quite honest, there really is no reason that most of us act that way. Immaturity, I guess.

 

[krissy3483]

some high school girls are about as mean as people can get. I have never seen such backstabbing and rude behavior. Maybe a good friend of two of your daughters would be willing to skip the party, and they can have their own fun.

 

[SC Minnie]

That is how girls fight.

Maybe your daughter can call up a couple of her best friends to do something else tonight. Doesn't sound like Rachel's friendship is a big loss.

 

[Serena]

I'm sorry that happened. I agree, there is no reason why some people get their kicks out of hurting others.

 

[grinningghost]

Because they're catty little witches.

And I know this because I have a high school DD myself. Thankfully, as the years roll on, I see less and less of it - but middle school/freshman year were a nightmare.

I hope Sarah knows she's the better person in all this.

 

[sharbear]

I have a Freshman DD and the same type of things have been happening to her. It's so sad to watch.

Last week a neighbor decided to have a party and didn't invite my DD. It was a shock to my DD because she thought that they were friends. The party decided to stand in front of our house! It was terrible. I have a DD sobbing and I don't know what to do.

Can you tell that it's been a hard year.

 

[barbeml]

Look at the role models she has in her family and who could be surprised.

 

[DISshopkeeper]

Oh, John, how lousy for Sarah. Mean girls really make me angry.

{{{hugs}}} for both of you!!!!!!!

 

[Robinrs]

Immaturity, insecurity and Power or lack thereof....

Unfortunately, in this society the female sex is more likely to be anti each other than pro, it's a sad state of affairs I've played "conscientious objector" to all of my life. My son, 12, is in a state of shock about it himself, somewhat sounding just like you, John! I tell him just make sure HE never acts that way and he'll survive it.

Oh, and BTW, it does NOT stop at high school. I work with senior citizens who play the same silly games. It's cradle to grave idiocy.

 

[ely3857]

Hormones?

But I agree, If her Uncle Brian behaves like he does in front of her are you suprised she acts like she does.



Jodie

 

[ncgolfer]

I work in an office of 30-40 something year old women and they are just as nasty to each other as high school girls. Somethings never change.

 

[Tinkbell]

Your Sarah sounds like a smart cookie. I'd probably react as she did and want my parents to stay out of it. The sad part is that it sounds like Rachel comes from a religious family. People need to practice what they preach. ((HUGS)) to you and your DD.

 

[cynsaun]

I work in an office of 30-40 something year old women and they are just as nasty to each other as high school girls. Somethings never change.

That's the truth.

 

[CookieGVB]

Ever watch any of those teen movies? There's always a group of catty girls.

Don't call the girl's parents. Sarah doesn't want a "pity invite" where they'll all gang up and be nasty to her the whole evening. See if any of her good friends want to come and hang out with her.

Maybe it'll rain.

 

[hydster]

I don't have a dd that old YET but she's coming up on it as she is almost 12. A good friend of mine who has 3 girls told me about a book that I should read and then have dd read. It was amazing to me that this stuff happens in every woman's life no matter how old she is. I'd suggest it as summer reading for you and your dd and see if it can at least help her understand and how to cope. It's called Odd Girl Out: The hidden Culture of Agression in Girls by Rachel Simmons! From Amazon.com here is the review:

There is little sugar but lots of spice in journalist Rachel Simmons's brave and brilliant book that skewers the stereotype of girls as the kinder, gentler gender. Odd Girl Out begins with the premise that girls are socialized to be sweet with a double bind: they must value friendships; but they must not express the anger that might destroy them. Lacking cultural permission to acknowledge conflict, girls develop what Simmons calls "a hidden culture of silent and indirect aggression."
The author, who visited 30 schools and talked to 300 girls, catalogues chilling and heartbreaking acts of aggression, including the silent treatment, note-passing, glaring, gossiping, ganging up, fashion police, and being nice in private/mean in public. She decodes the vocabulary of these sneak attacks, explaining, for example, three ways to parse the meaning of "I'm fat."

Simmons is a gifted writer who is skilled at describing destructive patterns and prescribing clear-cut strategies for parents, teachers, and girls to resist them. "The heart of resistance is truth telling," advises Simmons. She guides readers to nurture emotional honesty in girls and to discover a language for public discussions of bullying. She offers innovative ideas for changing the dynamics of the classroom, sample dialogues for talking to daughters, and exercises for girls and their friends to explore and resolve messy feelings and conflicts head-on.

One intriguing chapter contrasts truth telling in white middle class, African-American, Latino, and working-class communities. Odd Girl Out is that rare book with the power to touch individual lives and transform the culture that constrains girls--and boys--from speaking the truth. -

And from Publisher's Weekly:

Although more than 16 years have passed, Rhodes Scholar Simmons hasn't forgotten how she felt when Abby told the other girls in third grade not to play with her, nor has she stopped thinking about her own role in giving Noa the silent treatment. Simmons examines how such "alternative aggression" where girls use their relationship with the victim as a weapon flourishes and its harmful effects. Through interviews with more than 300 girls in 10 schools (in two urban areas and a small town), as well as 50 women who experienced alternative aggression when they were young, Simmons offers a detailed portrait of girls' bullying. Citing the work of Carol Gilligan and Lyn Mikel Brown, she shows the toll that alternative aggression can take on girls' self-esteem. For Simmons, the restraints that society imposes to prevent girls from venting feelings of competition, jealousy and anger is largely to blame for this type of bullying. It forces girls to turn their lives into "a perverse game of Twister," where their only outlets for expressing negative feelings are covert looks, turned backs and whispers. Since the events at Columbine, some schools have taken steps to curb relational aggression. For those that haven't, Simmons makes an impassioned plea that no form of bullying be permitted.

It has definitely helped my dd realize that she is NOT the only one this is happening too and that she is also probably doing the same thing but not really realizing it.

Good luck! I feel for you and your dd! I'd see if she could call a good friend and just do something together instead!

Hugs to both of you!
Heidi

 

[funhouse8]

I hope your DD has her own fun. All teens can be mean at times even the boys. They just aren't as sneaky. for your daughter and a rain dance for the party night.

 

[Towncrier]

Maybe it'll rain.

I thought the same thing, Gail. But praying for rain would be catty, wouldn't it???

Thanks for all of your kind words. A couple of Sarah's friends were going to come over after Rachel's party and they were going to stay up all night and watch all three Lord of the Rings movies. Only the twins that WERE going to come over are now treating Sarah as if she has the plague. I guess Sarah found out just how good those friends were as well.

Sue and I are still trying to think up something to do with Sarah this evening to take away some of the sting. Maybe I'll have to stay up all night with her and watch the LOTR movies. Yikes.

 

[helenabear]

I hate the way some women can be so catty... and it isn't limited to HS I am so sorry this happened to Sarah, but as someone said... given the way her uncle acts, I am not shocked she was that way. I hope Sarah can have some fun of her own tonight

 

[Towncrier]

Perhaps I will suggest that she call her best friend (who moved to South Carolina last November). They talk on the phone all the time. We're going to see Lindsey on our drive back home from WDW later this month. I think that Sue and I are going to keep her focused on the good things that she has going on this summer.

And to secretly plot revenge on Rachel.