Who wants to read my "The Girl Who Owned A City" Sequel?

[StitchfansJr]

It hasn't been edited by my teacher. She edites it to death. It may not be good or not, Btw don't edit it and say "You should of put a ! there."
The Girl Who Owned A City Sequel
By: Allison
“Look Todd it’s been over a year before Tom Nelson and his gang took over Glenbard.” Lisa said.
“What’s your point?” Todd said.
“My point is that I’m 12 right now. I don’t know how much longer I will live,” Lisa said sadly.
“Oh Lisa! Don’t start talking about that again!” Todd said with a sigh.
“Toddy-boy, you don’t get it! I may have a year left. The oldest person to survive is 14,” Lisa explained.
“My name is Todd! Not Toddy-boy!” Todd said angrily.
“Todd, sorry! You’re missing the point!” Lisa said upset
“What’s going on?” Craig asked.
“Lisa is talking about what’s going to happen when she dies again!” Todd explained.
“Well, let her talk about what she wants to talk about. So, what are we going to do when you’re gone?” Craig said.
“As I was saying…” Lisa said started to finish her sentence.
“Lisa, stop talking about when you’re going to die!” Todd said furiously.
“Todd! If you don’t like it leave, and Craig and I will talk about it. You will need to know these things though. Since you’re going to be in charge.” Lisa said.
“What? Really? Lisa, tell me more. I need to know these things.” Todd said with a smile.
“Okay as I was saying, again! Soon I may be dead, and someone else needs to take my place. Which Todd, this is when you come in. Your going to own the city, and take…” Lisa explained.
“Todd’s city? Todd’s city? I thought it was our city, Lisa! Not yours, not Todd’s, not even my city. It’s everyone’s city!” Craig said a little upset.
“Sorry! Our city. Okay back to what I was saying. My place. First of all, Todd we’ll talk about what you’re going to do,” Lisa said.
“All right.” Todd said.
“We also need to keep Tom Nelson’s gang away from Glenbard. I mean, all gangs away from Glenbard,” Lisa said.
“Huh? What about Glenbard?” Charlie said.
“Okay, let’s just get everyone in here. So they can hear this!” Lisa said angrily.

Lisa went into the front office. She turned on the speaker.
“Attention! Attention! We are going to talk about what we’re going to do when I’m gone after school,” Lisa said. Lisa heard a loud groan.
“I know that I’ve told you it before, but we need to be ready!” Lisa said. Lisa turned off the speaker. She went to her chamber to think.

“Okay, so when Todd takes my place what will he does in a attack? What will everyone else do? What if the kids don’t attack? What will Todd do then? I hope he’ll be able to fight off any gangs. And make sure Jill, Steve, Charlie, and everyone else in Glenbard will attack. Wait, what if Tom tries to come into our city? Ah, this is too difficult!” Lisa said with a sigh.
“Something wrong Lisa?” Jill asked.
“No Jill. I’m just trying to think. I have so many, “what if” questions in my head right now,” Lisa answered.
“Oh, well dinner’s ready,” Jill, said happily.
“All right, I’ll be there as soon as possible,” Lisa, said quietly.
Jill went into the cafeteria. Everyone else followed her.
“Jill, so what’s wrong with Lisa?” Everyone asked.
“Oh nothing. She’s just thinking of what she could do when Todd is in charge.” Jill said.
“Oh, I hope she’ll feel better soon.” Everyone said quietly.
After everyone ate Lisa went into the cafeteria.
“I wonder what’s for dinner. Maybe it’s pizza,” Lisa said.
Lisa ate quickly. She went to sleep after. She was too tired.

“Ha! She thought I’d never be back!" Now that I heard rumors of Lisa talking about when Lisa dead we shall take over Glenbard. And without Lisa we can take back the city!” Tom Nelson said very happily.
“Great idea Tom!” Everyone else of the Chidester gang said.
“Now, when shall we attack?” Tom asked the gang.
“As soon as possible, of course! Maybe May 19th.” Tom suggested.
“Whatever you say Tom,” the Gang replied.
“We shall get Lisa’s town once after all!” Tom and the gang said happily.
The gang laughed.

“Lisa? Lisa, are you awake?” Steve asked.
“Huh? What happened? Where am I?” Lisa said alarmed.
“You fell asleep after you ate.” Steve said. Steve smiled at Lisa.
“Okay, tell everyone to do what they’re doing and tell them I’ll be in the chamber,” Lisa said yawn.
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Lisa.” Steve said.
“What do you mean ‘That’s what I’m trying to tell you’?” Lisa said caution
“Everyone in the building is gone. Including Todd, Jill, and Charlie!” Steve said quickly.
“Tell me everything you know!” Lisa said seriously.
“Well, I just woke up a hour ago. Then when I went to check up on everyone they were gone!” Steve said quickly.
“Gone? No one has ever left this city before. Wait, it’s obviously about what I was thinking of last night!” Lisa said strangely.
“What do you mean Lisa? What were you thinking of last night?” Steve asked.
“Last night I thought of a lot of things. The main part was if the Chidester gang comes back.” Lisa replied.
“Chidester gang?” Steve asked curiously.
“You know! Tom and his gang. The one that hurt me. Remember?” Lisa said strangely.
“Oh them! They’re back? I thought you scared them off,” Steve said.
“I know, I thought I did,” Lisa said.
“So, what are you going to do?” Steve asked.
“Me? No, it’s not just going to be me! It’s going to be both of us. We’re going to get everyone back!” Lisa said surpersisly
“What am I going to do? I can shoot a shotgun. I can throw rocks,” Steve asked.
“You can do either. Let’s go to their hideout,” Lisa said.

“Okay, we have everyone of Glenbard Tom. Now what?” the gang said.
“Everyone? You sure? What about Lisa? Did you get her?” Tom asked the gang.
“Lisa! Oh, uh, yeah Tom we got her,” the gang said.
“Let me see her.” Tom said.
“Uh, see, Tom we can’t find her in the bunch. I mean, we can’t find her in the bunch. She’s there, we just can’t find her,” the gang said.
“So, are you saying you don’t have her?” Tom said angrily. Tom was starting to get really mad.
“No, not really Tom! Before you get angry, we searched every room. Besides for the cafeteria,” the gang said.
“Besides? There shouldn’t be a besides!” Tom said furiously.
“We’re sorry! We’re sorry!” the gang said. The gang ran off.
“You get back here right now!” Tom said.

“So, this is the Chidester’s hangout. No wonder, this place is really messy,” Lisa and Steve said together.
“Steve, you search downstairs. I’ll search around here.” Lisa ordered.
“Okay Lisa. I’ll call you if I find them.” Steve said. They both nodded their heads and started searching. Lisa and Steve looked everywhere.
“They’re nowhere to be found,” Steve said to himself.
“No where to be found, eh? Well, let’s see if you can find me now!” Tom said quietly.
“Huh? What was that? Who goes there?”
“Gang run!” Tom shouted. The gang ran as fast as they could. They’re all spread out now. Steve called Lisa.
”Lisa! Lisa! I found the Chidester gang! They’re spread out now. Look harder!” Steve said quickly.
“Okay, I’ll search.” Lisa said.
“Bye” Steve and Lisa said.
“Tom? Tom? Where are you?” a gang member said loudly.
“Quiet! You idiot! You’ll get us caught!” one of the gang members said.
“Too late! Oops, did I do that?” said the familiar voice.
“Who are you? Reveal yourself!” Steve said caution.
“Come on Steve it’s me,” Said the familiar voice.
“Todd? Is that you? Why are you all dressed in black?” Steve said.
“Yup, it’s me Todd. It was part of the plan. I thought of it myself.” Todd said.
“Wait, your not a Chidester member! Get him!” one of the gang members said.
“Run!” Steve said. Steve and Todd both ran as fast as possible. Lisa found Todd and Steve.

“Steve, did you find them?” Lisa asked.
“Yup, we sure did!” said the voice.
“Todd? Todd, is that you?” Lisa said shriek.
“Yeah, it’s me Lisa. Don’t worry, everyone else is safe. They’re out of the hideout. Thanks to me. Now, let me find Tom. Be right back. I’ll see look like a Chidester member. So, if you see a guy with a black outfit it’s me. Oh, by the way my Chidester name is Alex,” Todd said.
“Okay. Be careful Todd, “ Lisa said caution.

“Alex, did they find the gang yet?” Tom asked Todd.
“Yeah, they’re at the front entrance. Let’s get them as soon as possible!” Todd said.
“Let’s go!” Tom said. Todd and Tom ran to the front entrance. Lisa threw a rock at Todd.
“Alex, are you all right?” Tom said sadly.
“Alex? Wait, I threw a rock at Todd! Oh Todd! What did I do to you?” Lisa thought.
“He’ll be all right. Now, let me take care of you once and for all!” Tom said.
“Now!” Lisa said loudly.
“Huh?” Tom said curiously. The door opened to every one of Glenbard and the Chidester gang.
“What? You’re all against me? Why?” Tom pleaded.
“You were mean to them Tom. You were mean to our city, and you bossed the Chidester gang around. You deserve this!” Lisa shouted at Tom.
“No!” Tom said sadly. Everyone shot Tom and threw rocks at Tom until he was dead.
“Yay! Hooray!” Everyone said. Lisa ran to Todd.
“Todd, are you all right?” Lisa said calmly.
“Of course Lisa. Just let Jill take care of me until I’m well again.” Todd said quietly.
“I’m sorry Todd. Really sorry.” Lisa said nervously.
“Don’t worry about me. You own the city. Go back to Glenbard. Jill will pick me up.” Todd said.
“No Todd. I don’t own the city. We own the city.” Lisa said. Everyone, including Todd went back to Glenbard. Everything was back to normal. The Chidester gang is a part of Glenbard now. Everything is all right.
“Lisa, I’m glad you’re my sister. You made me realize that even thought you may be gone you’ll still be with us,” Todd said.
“Todd, you know I’ll never leave you. I’ll never leave our city.” Lisa said.

 

[HSMndLKfan92]

It was a lot of dialouge, but who am I to critique you? It's really good, though. The story is clear; with a conflict, climax and resolution. (My language arts teacher would be proud.)

I haven't read The Girl Who Owned a City in about two years; so I foget who the Chidester Gang is. Lol.

 

[StitchfansJr]

It was a lot of dialouge, but who am I to critique you? It's really good, though. The story is clear; with a conflict, climax and resolution. (My language arts teacher would be proud.)

I haven't read The Girl Who Owned a City in about two years; so I foget who the Chidester Gang is. Lol.

This is for Language Arts teacher. I'm going to hand it in tomorrow. My homebase teacher is going to critque it to death. I wrote a 7 page Halloween story for him, and guess what I got? A F! I worked over a week to do this, and I got a F! If I get a bad grade on this oh I'll be so angry.
EDIT: By the way, the story is 5 pages.

 

[HSMndLKfan92]

Naturally, as I read it, I looked for ways to revise it. (However, I do not notice puncutation errors, spelling mistakes, etc. I look for major things to revise, for example, -if this was an essay- transitions and topic sentences.) In general, it's pretty clean.

I'm sorry about the F; teachers have a tendency to edit things to death.

 

[StitchfansJr]

Naturally, as I read it, I looked for ways to revise it. (However, I do not notice puncutation errors, spelling mistakes, etc. I look for major things to revise, for example, -if this was an essay- transitions and topic sentences.) In general, it's pretty clean.

I'm sorry about the F; teachers have a tendency to edit things to death.

My Language Arts teacher really liked it. My teacher says "Edit, Edit, Edit!" We're supposed to get a certain amount of punches by Friday. He gave me two punches instead of getting just one.