Where did I go wrong?

[budmonster]

I'm sitting here typing this with tears streaming down my face. My DS16 and I were arguing over his punishment, because of 3 D's in school, and he turned around and yelled "you're dead to me". I don't understand where I went wrong, I thought I had brought he up to be a respectful young man, I guess somewhere in the past 16 years I failed. He really hurt me when he said it. I don't know what to do from here, I sent him to his room because I really can't talk to him right now. All this because I told him he wasn't playing paintball this weekend with his Uncle, because of his grades. He has always struggled in school and I've always told him that I just want you to do your best. For the past 2 years, 10th and 11th grade, he has just not put any effort into trying his best. I've tried rewards, punishments and just letting him make the decisions and nothing works. Well, thanks for listening I just had to vent and get it out.

 

[freckles and boo]

Sixteen-year-olds do and say stupid things. Hang in there.

 

[Disney Doll]

Teenagers are hideous creatures, aren't they????

 

[java]

I have a soon to be 16 year old. and I've heard similar things- I would like to say it's the age. But I know how you feel.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Because in his head, taking away the paintball is just as hurtful to him as what he said is to you.

I don't think teenagers are hideous creatures. They just live in the moment and in this moment, nothing is more important than the paintball.

 

[denisenh]

I bet that your DS is feeling as badly as you are. Go talk with him. Clear things up.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I bet that your DS is feeling as badly as you are. Go talk with him. Clear things up.

Yep, he was just trying to cut you a little deeper than you cut him.

I remember being 16 and the terrible, hurtful things I said to my mom when I did wrong, and then couldn't get my way.

Go up, talk to him. Tell him that you are as hurt and upset as he is, but he can't bring home D's.

FWIW, whenever I cut my mom, I knew it hurt... but she never acted hurt, and that made me all the more guilty for saying such things.

 

[Christine]

You didn't do anything wrong. Teenagers can have a lot of anger at times and they can't control it with their parents. My mom always taught me to be respectful and I was for the most part. But there were two occasions (and I clearly remember them) that I wasn't. One time I told my mom "I hate you." You know what? In that moment I did. She was stopping me from doing something I REALLY, REALLY wanted to do and I was so angry I couldn't stop myself.

We got past it and all was well. Once your son gets over his anger and disappointment at not going to paintball, he will probably be feeling REALLY bad for what he said to you.

Hang in there. These later years of parenting a teen are not for the weak!! My DD went off to college this past Fall and I *thought* things would get better, but oh no!! It just changes.

 

[jaminmd]

Yep, he was just trying to cut you a little deeper than you cut him.

I remember being 16 and the terrible, hurtful things I said to my mom when I did wrong, and then couldn't get my way.

Go up, talk to him. Tell him that you are as hurt and upset as he is, but he can't bring home D's.

FWIW, whenever I cut my mom, I knew it hurt... but she never acted hurt, and that made me all the more guilty for saying such things.

I was going to say the same thing. , OP. FWIW, my mother is 80 years old & I am still apologizing for what I did when I was 16.

 

[Cinderella2004]

Yep, he was just trying to cut you a little deeper than you cut him.

I remember being 16 and the terrible, hurtful things I said to my mom when I did wrong, and then couldn't get my way.

Go up, talk to him. Tell him that you are as hurt and upset as he is, but he can't bring home D's.

FWIW, whenever I cut my mom, I knew it hurt... but she never acted hurt, and that made me all the more guilty for saying such things.

Exactly. My Mom used to really maintain her cool. When we'd say mean/hurtful things to her she'd tell us "good, that means I'm doing my job"

Hang in there!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

"Feel better now?"

16 year olds (and a year or so either side, give or take) seem to be old enough to understand that the words they say can hurt deeply, because they are.

It's just that everything is so very important to them right now, everything but what you may think should be!

Ds are unacceptable. Consequences for poor choices are a fact of life. You're doing your job, and doing it well.

Stay strong.

 

[Liberty Belle]

He didn't mean it.

I'm sure he's angrier and more disappointed in himself. Let him know you still love him - I'm sure he's already regretting what he said.

 

[Bluestars]

I'm sorry he said those hurtful things to you. I've been there, done that. It does get better.

Do you think he needs a tutor? What about meeting with the school counselor? Maybe the counselor will have some insight on some steps to take to make this situation better.

When my kids started to have slipping grades, I would make them bring their textbooks home every day until the grades went back up. I'm not saying to do that, but extra study time might be beneficial here.

There are probably a hundred reasons for bad grades. I'd try to dig deep and figure out what is really going on.

I remember when my daughter would scream that she hated me. It hurt, but I knew she didn't hate me. She is no longer a teenager and is like a completely different person. She calls me all of the time and actually asks for my advice. Night and day.

It will get better.

 

[Wall-E1]

Don't worry about it. You'll be alive to him again when he needs some money or to borrow the car, etc.

 

[budmonster]

Thanks for the words of wisdom and encourgement everyone. I think that I've gotten myself together enough that I'm going to go talk to him. DS came out of his room about 15 mins ago and wanted to talk, he looked sad and hurt, but I told him I needed a few more minutes. So I am going to go tell him that I love him no matter what but what he said was hurtfull and unacceptable. But how do I get it through to a 16 year old how important school is when all he sees it as is a big pain in the butt. It's no wonder I have so much grey hair. Thank you guys once again, reading your responses really help me feel better.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Thanks for the words of wisdom and encourgement everyone. I think that I've gotten myself together enough that I'm going to go talk to him. DS came out of his room about 15 mins ago and wanted to talk, he looked sad and hurt, but I told him I needed a few more minutes. So I am going to go tell him that I love him no matter what but what he said was hurtfull and unacceptable. But how do I get it through to a 16 year old how important school is when all he sees it as is a big pain in the butt. It's no wonder I have so much grey hair. Thank you guys once again, reading your responses really help me feel better.

Is he planning on going to college? If so, maybe you could take him to talk to an admissions counselor.

 

[budmonster]

Is he planning on going to college? If so, maybe you could take him to talk to an admissions counselor.

Yes he talks about wanting to go to college, if fact he talks about it with a lot more enthusiasm then when he talks about high school. I just wish I knew how to get him to understand that the choices he makes now effects the rest of his life.... little boys why do they grow into young men so quickly?

 

[OceanAnnie]

.

 

[dejr_8]

I'm sitting here typing this with tears streaming down my face. My DS16 and I were arguing over his punishment, because of 3 D's in school, and he turned around and yelled "you're dead to me". I don't understand where I went wrong, I thought I had brought he up to be a respectful young man, I guess somewhere in the past 16 years I failed. He really hurt me when he said it. I don't know what to do from here, I sent him to his room because I really can't talk to him right now. All this because I told him he wasn't playing paintball this weekend with his Uncle, because of his grades. He has always struggled in school and I've always told him that I just want you to do your best. For the past 2 years, 10th and 11th grade, he has just not put any effort into trying his best. I've tried rewards, punishments and just letting him make the decisions and nothing works. Well, thanks for listening I just had to vent and get it out.

Could be nothing more than being 16 ... but have you looked for signs of drug use??

 

[clarabelle]

I would check into a tutor
Kids respond better to someone else helping them with school work than they do their parents