When someone dies, is it ever a "good thing"? Update in OP.

[Papa Deuce]

My ex SIL was just found dead. And the first thing I thought was "that's a good thing". Now there is a really bad part. She left behind an 8 year old daughter and a 10 year old daughter. These girls were living with their father and his new wife for the last 2 years.

The woman who died was diagnosed as bi - polar. She also was heavily addicted to drugs and alchohol. She has been in NUMEROUS car accidents while DUI. She has been in court ordered rehab several times. She actually stole envelopes from my weddding birdcage ( I hold no malice at all toward her. REALLY ) She had had this disorder and addictions for at least the 9 years I knew her.

Her license was taken away and she still drove and had accidents.

So, earlier today she was found dead in her apartment. When my wife called me and told me, the first thing I thought was "It's a good thing". Yes it is HORRIBLE for her daughters, for sure. But on the other hand, one of her accidents was while her daughters were in the car with her.

I feel a "tiny" bit guilty for feeling the way I do, but still, I think it was " a good thing". At least she never got to kill anybody, which I think would have happened eventually.

UPDATE: Just got a call from the folks at home ( we are on vacation in NC at the moment ). The brother of the woman who died was found dead in his car late Saturday night, apparently from alchohol poisoning. He was known to have been drinking all night long at several different bars.

 

[ziggystardust]

I don't know if its a good thing, but sometimes people are better off.

When my grandmother died, it was for the best and she it was for the best. She was living with alzheimer's for years and years. While it was sad, she didn't have a life that she could enjoy anymore.

 

[KarenAylwood]

I can understand your feeling guilty, but I can also understand the "it's a good thing" statement. It sounds like she wasn't an asset to her children- even though, God love em', children will many times love their parents no matter what their faults and be crushed by a death like this. But at a young age, they'll bounce back and learn from this experience.

I personally think that it sounds like she wasn't living a happy life, or one that was healthy for her daughters. She's in a better place now, and not a threat to others.

I don't think you are wrong in thinking that it was "a good thing."

My DBF volunteers in hospice- and there are many times, when a death is "a good thing". Many hospice patients he's encountered were "living" horrible lives with no joy for themselves or others- only the chance for a smile from a volunteer or a card game before it became too painful to even move. There are definitely times that I agree with the statement that someone is "better off" passing away. Your ex-SIL may not have been in hospice- but she wasn't living a fulfilling life either.

 

[pixiemomma]

I don't think it is a good thing. I have a similar SIL. I think prison bars might do her some good but not a coffin. Deep down she is a good person who just wasn't able to handle her very real demons as well as my husband and his other sister.

It really irritates me when people go to the funerals (especially those of infants and children) and say that the child is in a better place.

 

[Papa Deuce]

I don't think it is a good thing. I have a similar SIL. I think prison bars might do her some good but not a coffin. Deep down she is a good person who just wasn't able to handle her very real demons as well as my husband and his other sister.

It really irritates me when people go to the funerals (especially those of infants and children) and say that the child is in a better place.

Ya know, I agree with you on this point. However she was never found guilty of anything or she was released because she had a diagnosed medical condition that caused her actions. I always was surprised that she was never sent to prison. She may not have cured the bi-polar thing, but at least she may have cleared up her drug and alchohol addictions....

Funny, the only pill she never took, was the one that was supposed to help her with her bi-polar disorder..... She refused to take those.

 

[TDC Nala]

well...there was Hitler. That's the only one I can think of right off the top of my head. Maybe Ted Bundy, people like that. This story is just sad.

 

[angel*lady]

That's a tough one! It is always sad when such young children lose a parent but it sounds like your nieces lost their mom a long time ago. Sometimes I think that there are people who are tortured souls and no matter how much help they are offered there is no hope. It sounds like this woman was careening through life and was lucky that she didn't take anyone with her. I'd like to think that in death people like that aren't suffering from their demons anymore. I hope that the girls' father and step-mother will be able to help them sort through the conflicted feelings they will experience as they grow up.

 

[Papa Deuce]

That's a tough one! It is always sad when such young children lose a parent but it sounds like your nieces lost their mom a long time ago. Sometimes I think that there are people who are tortured souls and no matter how much help they are offered there is no hope. It sounds like this woman was careening through life and was lucky that she didn't take anyone with her. I'd like to think that in death people like that aren't suffering from their demons anymore. I hope that the girls' father and step-mother will be able to help them sort through the conflicted feelings they will experience as they grow up.

Of this, I have NO DOUBT! These kids have BLOSSOMED since they left their mother's care. Grades have gone up... WAY UP! Their overall health has improved. And they look happy. Before they always seemed miserable. And they joined a family with 4 other kids. I think there is lots of love going around!

 

[RadioNate]

I get your point. I look at my grandfather, who was crippled by Parkinson's disease. He spent YEARS unable to talk, walk, feed himself, shower or even use the restroom with out assistance. All the while doctors told us his mind was fine and sharp.
I believe for him that death was a good thing. It let him move out of the body that kept him a prisoner.

Hopefully your ex-SIL is at peace.

 

[pearlieq]

I was actually happy when I found out my grandfather died last month. He had suffered for years from cancer, and had lived for over a decade with horrible health and all the indignities that went with it. He hated every minute of it--every day that went by broke his spirit a bit more.

Death was a deliverance for him and I'm glad he finally got it.

 

[Kahana-ri]

My grandmother in-law suffered for three years with Alzheimer's. The last year of her life, I truly felt if she would pass it would be better. Even though she was technically alive, their was no life within her. For our situation, it was a good thing when she passed. I do understand what you are saying and I can see your point. I wish the best for her children.

 

[golfgal]

My Grandpa had accomplished everything he wanted, saw everything he wanted to and die quickly, which is what he wanted. My Grandma died 30+ years before him and he never remarried. He was ready to die and it was a good thing for him. Yes, we miss him, but it was a good thing for him.

DH's aunt just died a few weeks ago. She had been very active, lost her husband 12 years ago and had taken a fall and broke her hip. Her memory started to fail and she was in a nursing home. Yes, it was a good thing for her to die. Again, she will be missed but she is with her DH now and in a much better place.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

My dad died, it was a good thing. He had buried one son in Jun '03, my brother was 45 yo. In November, just 5 months later, dad, still grieving, finds out his oldest son has a deadly brain tumor. If he lived 18 months, he would of outlived the longest survivor of this cancer.(He didn't, he only lived 10 months) Dad got pnumonia in Feb. '04. He went on life support to give his lungs a break. He came off life support after a week, and was doing well. He came home in 3 weeks. On the day he was being discharged, my brother was being rushed into Boston, because he didn't know who anyone was, what the date was, or where he was. We decided collectively as a family NOT to tell dad about Paul being in the hospital. In his condition, he didn't need to worry. My sister and his wife decided on their own to just tell dad that Paul was in the hospital, and nothing else. (yeah, that will ease his mind) They told him on a Tuesday night. The next morning, my sister was giving my dad a nebulizer treatment, and he just konked out on her. He was sitting up, talking and seemed fine, then he went unresponsive. When they got him to the hospital, they hooked him up to life support so he could hang on long enough for the family to get there and say goodbye, but while we waited for one of my brother's, the life support wasn't even sustaining him. He was going, come hell or high water. They unplugged him at 11:25am, and he was flatline within 5 minutes.

I cried when I said goodbye, but to this day, I have not grieved for my father. I will not grieve for my father. He was 70 years old and he was looking not only buring his second son in a years time, but watching this son die a long and painful death. So yes, death was a good thing in my father's case. A very good thing.

 

[Blondie]

I think when a person's quality of life has deminished so much that all they are is a vegetable hooked up to life support with no brain activity, then yes, passing on can be a good thing.

 

[MelessaG]

My first thought when I saw your post was, as others have mentioned, that it is often a relief when people who are elderly and suffering mentally and/or physically die. However, as I read furthur I also thought of the untimely death of the father of my friend's oldest son. He died (likely OD'd) when his son was 5. At the time, he was able to hide his many flaws from his little boy and at the age of 11 he remembers him fondly. Had he lived as this little boy grew to adulthood, he would have known how truly flawed his father was (and I use the word "flawed" rather kindly). I'm not sure if it's better or worse, but this man's own mother was the first one to say "At least his son never saw 'his bad side.' " I just throw this out as 'food for thought' since I've never been able to bring myself to say one way or another if his death was a "good thing."

 

[Papa Deuce]

I get your point. I look at my grandfather, who was crippled by Parkinson's disease. He spent YEARS unable to talk, walk, feed himself, shower or even use the restroom with out assistance. All the while doctors told us his mind was fine and sharp.
I believe for him that death was a good thing. It let him move out of the body that kept him a prisoner.

Hopefully your ex-SIL is at peace.

I truly do hope so as well. She was a tortured soul.

 

[nuke]

I would never think that her dying is a good thing just because she had made mistakes in her lives or got caught in the snag of drugs or alcohol. This women was someone's daughter, or sister, or neice. Someone loved her even with her faults.

 

[puggymom]

I lost my father a few months ago to a horrible muscle disease that slowly ate his muscles for nearly 15 years. The last 2 he couldn't walk or go to the bathroom by himself. He had no quality of life. Even though it still hurts like hell, I know he is better off. Only selfish reasons did I want him to stay with us longer. With his passing, my mom has more of a life now, she kept him home practically until the end. How she did it, I don't know.

 

[Papa Deuce]

I would never think that her dying is a good thing just because she had made mistakes in her lives or got caught in the snag of drugs or alcohol. This women was someone's daughter, or sister, or neice. Someone loved her even with her faults.

I think maybe you miss my overall point. I understand her dependancy on all these nasty things. But sooner or later, I think, she would have killed people other than herself. She totalled 3 vehichles while under the influence, one with her daughters in it.

I always felt bad for her. But now I think she is better off. At least I hope so.

 

[Kae]

My cousin just died a horrible death due to her addictions. We all loved her very much she was a great person who had terrible demons. She left behind 2 daughters 21 & 26. Her older daughters husband told me that the night after she passed was the first time his wife has ever slept thru the night since he has known her-sad but true. Hopeful her daughters can remember their mother in good terms. Being a child of an addict is a very hard road.

Kae