What would you do?

[pigletto]

Ok …
You have been asked to be second in command for a big industry multi day event. The invite came from the first in command who is a well known and liked industry professional. It’s a volunteer position but a career builder so you say yes. You spend a year in team zoom meetings to prepare for the event.

Event finally starts. On day one First in Command touches your rear end when you leave the meeting room. You say to yourself “I’m sure that was meant to be a hand on the back” and brush it off.

Second day First in Command pats you on the rear end with his clipboard as you go to leave the room. This time you find it weird and it makes you uncomfortable and frankly a little ticked off since you are in a professional environment and this just isn’t workplace behaviour.

Day three.. get up to leave, first in command pats you on the butt with an open hand as you go to leave. It makes you feel gross. You’ve been watching and as far as you know he doesn’t do it to others. Just you. You wonder if you’re making a big deal out of nothing. You want to stay “knock it off” but are worried about the repercussions.

Context.. both adult males. Butt patter 20 years older and in charge of other person.

Would like to hear everyone’s thoughts. This is a friend and I wanted to ask what others would think / feel / do / not do ( with their permission).

 

[Buzz Rules]

Ok …
You have been asked to be second in command for a big industry multi day event. The invite came from the first in command who is a well known and liked industry professional. It’s a volunteer position but a career builder so you say yes. You spend a year in team zoom meetings to prepare for the event.

Event finally starts. On day one First in Command touches your rear end when you leave the meeting room. You say to yourself “I’m sure that was meant to be a hand on the back” and brush it off.

Second day First in Command pats you on the rear end with his clipboard as you go to leave the room. This time you find it weird and it makes you uncomfortable and frankly a little ticked off since you are in a professional environment and this just isn’t workplace behaviour.

Day three.. get up to leave, first in command pats you on the butt with an open hand as you go to leave. It makes you feel gross. You’ve been watching and as far as you know he doesn’t do it to others. Just you. You wonder if you’re making a big deal out of nothing. You want to stay “knock it off” but are worried about the repercussions.

Context.. both adult males. Butt patter 20 years older and in charge of other person.

Would like to hear everyone’s thoughts. This is a friend and I wanted to ask what others would think / feel / do / not do ( with their permission).

Go to HR and don’t worry about repercussions. That’s sexual harassment, period. There should be something about unwanted physical contact in any company policy.

 

[OKW8297]

That is inappropriate with a capital I. Complaint should be filed with documentation of behavior.

 

[pigletto]

Thank you. Feedback is really important here. He feels pretty torn about it because it was someone he respected and he just can’t wrap his head around it. I’ve encouraged him to report and I think he’s leaving the event which is sad.

 

[Lisa_lvspplmvr]

Wow I’m so sorry you are going through this. While I want to say go to HR I know it will get messy and possibly not resolved. Shoot. What does your gut say ? I know you don’t want it to continue but if he doesn’t get fired it will be a mess to work with him . Ugh !

 

[sam_gordon]

I think after the second time, a "stop that" is appropriate. I say "the second time" because maybe the first time is an accident (doubtful). *IF* there's a 3rd time after saying "stop", THEN I say go to HR.

However, the friend is totally within his rights to go to HR immediately. I just think saying something between the two of them first would be my first choice.

 

[pens4821]

I think something should be said to the person before escalating it to higher ups. Not saying it’s ok, but guys are different. A good job and pat on the back side isn’t out of the norm for guys (albeit a professional setting is different). If it’s unwanted a quick, firm, but nice please don’t do that I find it inappropriate/offensive/etc would suffice. Then if it continues I would escalate it.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Ewww, people can be so revolting, sorry this is happening, the creep sounds experienced in testing for boundaries. You are a good friend to believe your friend.

 

[Carol_]

“You and I will never have a romantic relationship.”
That’s what I was advised to say to a friend recently so that the message was sent clearly. It worked. We’re still friends. We still work well together.

 

[pigletto]

“You and I will never have a romantic relationship.”
That’s what I was advised to say to a friend recently so that the message was sent clearly. It worked. We’re still friends. We still work well together.

This is very helpful as well. He said to me that he wasn’t sure it wasn’t just old boys club locker room behaviour , or if the man is testing the waters to see if he would be willing. He said either way it was completely inappropriate.
He was most mad at himself for not saying anything to him.

 

[Travel60]

The older guy is from a different era where "locker room" activity was the norm. Nothing sexual intended just a power play, alpha male thing. Perhaps a one time, very firm "That makes me uncomfortable." Then if reoccurrence, go to HR.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

I’d go to the higher ups. I had to do that one time but it backfired on me. I worked at a resort hotel and alot of us world get laid off in the winter. I got laid off and never called back. While they were paying unemployment to me, I found out they had given my job to someone else.

 

[ronandannette]

One detail I'd need to know is how well the two men know each other and whether or not the other guy is actually your friend's boss. If they have a friendly relationship and are basically peers, I'd suggest having said something pretty bluntly about the second incident, where it was obviously done on purpose. If it's strictly a formal working relationship and the other guy is the boss (beyond just this project), I'd be more diplomatic but would definitely say "STOP" and tell the person I was headed to HR if there was a third incident. And on a practical level, I'd very pointedly avoid being alone with him.

 

[bcla]

The older guy is from a different era where "locker room" activity was the norm. Nothing sexual intended just a power play, alpha male thing. Perhaps a one time, very firm "That makes me uncomfortable." Then if reoccurrence, go to HR.

I've certainly heard of that in a sports situation. It's even been joked about in things like ESPN commercials. However, I can't imagine any workplace where something like that would be tolerated.

I can only think of one time where I just about lost it and told off someone that I really wish that he would knock it off. I had one coworker who had a really bizarre sense of what was appropriate at work. He would joke about me "sexually harassing" another coworker, and he did it several times. I mean - we generally got along well, but these comments were just random and not related to anything that ever happened in reality. I told him to knock it off - it wasn't funny and it was really embarrassing. And afterwards I never heard it again.

 

[bwilcox]

Is your friend Chandler?
Just kidding, that really is a problem, but it reminded me of this episode:

 

[brockash]

Ok …
You have been asked to be second in command for a big industry multi day event. The invite came from the first in command who is a well known and liked industry professional. It’s a volunteer position but a career builder so you say yes. You spend a year in team zoom meetings to prepare for the event.

Event finally starts. On day one First in Command touches your rear end when you leave the meeting room. You say to yourself “I’m sure that was meant to be a hand on the back” and brush it off.

Second day First in Command pats you on the rear end with his clipboard as you go to leave the room. This time you find it weird and it makes you uncomfortable and frankly a little ticked off since you are in a professional environment and this just isn’t workplace behaviour.

Day three.. get up to leave, first in command pats you on the butt with an open hand as you go to leave. It makes you feel gross. You’ve been watching and as far as you know he doesn’t do it to others. Just you. You wonder if you’re making a big deal out of nothing. You want to stay “knock it off” but are worried about the repercussions.

Context.. both adult males. Butt patter 20 years older and in charge of other person.

Would like to hear everyone’s thoughts. This is a friend and I wanted to ask what others would think / feel / do / not do ( with their permission).

Honestly, I'd probably light-heartedly/kinda jokingly say something the next time he did it. I would hope it would stop, but if it didn't I'd then have a serious talk with him or go over his head.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Putting myself in that situation, I think the second time I would’ve turned around, looked him sternly in the eye and said, “Hey!”, and then probably something like what my son says, “Chill with that”. And I think I wouldn’t have given him an opportunity for a third time. I would consider going to HR not just for myself, but for others subjected to this by him, because you know this isn’t the first time, nor will it be the last, if it continues.

I remember the days of men “grabbing my butt” in clubs and such. I’ve had patients do it to me before, too, once through a curtain when I was leaning over the patient next to the grabber. Was a little old man who was cute but I told him to knock it off. Definitely not tolerated in the hospital setting any longer - especially from staff. We have training on sexual harassment yearly.

 

[anniemae]

If it happens again, he needs to say something. I know it's uncomfortable and I would feel strange and anxious to say something too, but it has to be done. A simple, "Hey, do I need to report you to HR?" next time should do it. Even if it's said a bit light heartedly, the message is there.

Then if it happens again he should go straight to HR. It is so infuriating because I feel like since he is not saying anything, the first in command guy is taking his silence as consent. Of course if your friend feels unsafe or violated, he should go straight to HR immediately.

 

[mrodgers]

I don't know what you city folk do in a situation like that. I'm country redneck. Not sure if you want to hear my suggestion, LOL.

 

[Snowflakey]

I'd simply look at the jerk and say "not ok".....