What to do with exdh's girlfriend?

[allyoops]

My ex's girlfriend of 10months is starting to really bug me! She wants to take our two boys to her family's home in Tennesee over spring break. I'm not sure if i'm ready for such a "chummy" time with my boys. And honestly my boys don't feel too comfortable around her. What to do?

 

[Christine]

I have no experience in this personally. But, if you are not comfy and ESPECIALLY if the boys are not comfy, then it would be a no-go for me.

I would work on having them spend time with the ex's girlfriend in small amounts before going away for a week.

 

[kdudley3]

GF for 10 months and kids are uncomfortable...I'd say "I don't think so, I'm not comfortable". If she's a stepmom, then that MAY be another story.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I do not know what the arrangement is... You say 'she', but I am assuming that your Ex will be taking them, along with his girlfriend, to visit her family. She would have no right to take them anywhere on her own.

I can certainly understand how you feel!!!
However, the answer is not really simple.

1. What are the custody/visitation arrangements? Is it allowed for your Ex to take the kids out of state without your prior approval? When you mention Tennessee, I am assuming that you do not live in Tennessee. How far of a trip is it?

2. I am assuming that it is indeed perfectly acceptable for either you or your Ex to find a Significant Other. Yes, this may not be really 'comfortable' at first. But, really, if she and your Ex have been together almost a year now, as much as you may hate it, she is probably now a part of your Ex's and his children's (your children's) life. It may be time to make an effort to make it more 'comfortable'.

Whatever happens, and whatever you decide. Unless there are issues regarding the children's physical safety, their emotional well-being, or restrictions on your Ex's custody, it sounds like you might have to compromise. After all, he is their dad.

 

[mking624]

I don't think there's any question here. The kids are not comfortable with it. That would end the story for me right there.

 

[allyoops]

Ex is trying to stay out of it and let the boys, 7 and 11, decide. They want to make daddy happy and seem to be caught with pleasing him, but not themselves. I don't want them to become enablers. I also, want to keep my opinions to myself infront of them. It's hard when they ask me, "Mom, what do you think?"

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

Okay, I do not know what the arrangement is... You say 'she', but I am assuming that your Ex will be taking them, along with his girlfriend, to visit her family. She would have no right to take them anywhere on her own.

I can certainly understand how you feel!!!
However, the answer is not really simple.

1. What are the custody/visitation arrangements? Is it allowed for your Ex to take the kids out of state without your prior approval? When you mention Tennessee, I am assuming that you do not live in Tennessee. How far of a trip is it?

2. I am assuming that it is indeed perfectly acceptable for either you or your Ex to find a Significant Other. Yes, this may not be really 'comfortable' at first. But, really, if she and your Ex have been together almost a year now, as much as you may hate it, she is probably now a part of your Ex's and his children's (your children's) life. It may be time to make an effort to make it more 'comfortable'.

Whatever happens, and whatever you decide. Unless there are issues regarding the children's physical safety and restrictions on your Ex's custody, it sounds like you might have to compromise. After all, he is their dad.

I agree with this. My divorce agreement states that my ex isn't allowed to take our daughter out of state for more than 24 hours without my prior approval. Do you have anything that states something similar? And why are the children not comfortable? Honestly, he is their father and unless there's a valid reason for them not wanting to go (i.e. he or his gf are abusive), there's not much you can do about it...unless it's instructed in an agreement (divorce or otherwise) that you can say no and he has to abide by your wishes.

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with Wishing, if the custody arrangement allows it, and their father wants it, they should go, and you should support it - unless you have some concrete reason why they should not go - ie unsafe environment.

I don't really think they boys should be making the decision on this one. I wonder if your ex is using them to make the decision for him, so he does not have to upset his GF if he says no, and does not have to take the blame if he says yes and it turns out badly. He needs to judge how they will do and how they will feel, because only he has all the information and knowledge of his boys to make the decision.

Do you think the boys are saying that they are uncomfortable just because that is what they think you want to hear? My kids are 6 and 7, and they would not have a second thought about going anywhere if their father said it was o.k.

Denae

 

[Wishing on a star]

I'm not sure if i'm ready for such a "chummy" time with my boys.

Exactly.... When the OP stated the above, well, honestly, her being uncomfortable with her kids becoming 'chummy' with their dad's SO is not a valid reason to with-hold reasonable visitation/vacation request.

Now, if he had just, more recently, met this woman, and they were not familiar with her, that would concern me. But, it has been almost a year now, and I am assuming that they have spent time together on numerous occasions in the past few months.

 

[allyoops]

It is agreed that ex has them over spring break and can take them out of state. Usually someplace warm, but his girlfriend's family has a place in the Smokey Mountains. They have invited ex with boys for a visit. It is awkward for sons because of not knowing "her" family and i think because they may wonder if it is disappointing to me. Girlfriend has 10 year old daughter and is still currently married. Her husband wants her back. So complicated.

 

[Beth76]

If your boys don't want to go then don't make them go. It sounds like they just don't want to say no to their dad. Go ahead and be the bad guy for them. I see no reason why they need to meet thier dad's girlfriend's family anyway.

 

[Wishing on a star]

How old are your boys???

 

[allyoops]

They are 7 and 11. Age of reasoning!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I saw no problem whatsoever - until you mention that she is still married.
Other than that, it sounds like her and her family are friendly and are offering an olive branch to your Ex and to your kids. However, the fact that she is married means that she is not available to be a wife to your Ex or a StepMom to your kids. This is not a healthy relationship. It is an adulterous affair. (NO JUDGMENTS being made here... just the truth.) I would indeed have a problem with that. No way should your children get close to her, meet her family, and see her as a possible step-mother if she is still married to some other man. Not good at all.

You may have found your valid reason for saying 'No' to this trip.

PS: Just another comment on the side: About the boys making the decision. I am not sure how old your boys are, as I am typing this before you have a chance to respond. However, I am not sure that the kids should be making the decision. Sometimes what is right, is not what the kids would be pushing for, or not really happy about.

 

[Debbie Jean]

Ex is trying to stay out of it and let the boys, 7 and 11, decide. They want to make daddy happy and seem to be caught with pleasing him, but not themselves. I don't want them to become enablers. I also, want to keep my opinions to myself infront of them. It's hard when they ask me, "Mom, what do you think?"

Speaking from experience... it's hard to be completely objective about our own behavior but you know what your feelings are on the subject... make sure that you are not subtly placing your children in the position of pleasing you rather than their father.

I know that it's tough, but for me this is the advice I would give...

Imagine that the situation is reversed... you're the one with the BF of 10 months and he would like you and the boys to come visit his family over spring break. Your kids aren't really crazy about going for whatever reason... what would you do? would going to please you be the worst thing in the world?

One of the most difficult jobs of a divorced parent is setting your personal feelings aside and really helping your child adjust to the way life changes... a GF of BF of 10 months is not a "casual" relationship.

 

[Wishing on a star]

a GF of BF of 10 months is not a "casual" relationship.

It is if she is still married to another man.

 

[allyoops]

It is the fact the she is technically married the miffs me. She and her DH have been separated for over a year now. They live in apart from one another, are legally separated but no divorce papers are pending as far as i know. Apparently, her family stays out of her familial mess,keeps opinions to themselves, but likes my ex. Who knows, I am of the old fashioned type, i guess. She is still technically married. What kind of morals will that instill in my sons for any solid relationship in the future. Anyway, I think your suggestions are pretty fair and direct. I will speak to ex about not allowing them to go...at least not until she is divorced and sons are more comfortable.
Thank you for all the advice.

 

[MareQ]

It is agreed that ex has them over spring break and can take them out of state. Usually someplace warm, but his girlfriend's family has a place in the Smokey Mountains. They have invited ex with boys for a visit. It is awkward for sons because of not knowing "her" family and i think because they may wonder if it is disappointing to me. Girlfriend has 10 year old daughter and is still currently married. Her husband wants her back. So complicated.

If that's the agreement - then it's going to be up to your EX to decide where he wants to take his own children. If he wants to take them to meet his girlfriends family - then that's where they go.

 

[ilovejack02]

What a nice vacation trip offer. I get that the boys would not want to disappoint you and its your job to assure them that they wont by being friendly towards dad's love interest. I mean your divorced for a reason right, you arent wanting him back right? You will one day find a new love and im sure you would hope that the kids will like your B.F. without worrying about dad's feelings to the point that they arent comfortable with the B.F.

ANYWAY .... lol this G.F. is STILL married, why? Is she and your ex planning on making a life together. I just dont see why your kids need to meet her family if that isnt in the works esp if there might be an issue about ex and her getting back together.
I guess there are pros and cons on both sides. Will the kids have a good time , prob yes. Will they be safe with daddy and g.f ?
I would hope yes
Are they going be emtionally scared if they go and daddy and g.f. dont stay together forever prob not. ,Maybe she and the old Dh cant afford divorce? Im just throwing that out there. I would expect them NOT to be sleeping in same room with kids there on trip. Why do the kids even know she is still married.... Im fairly sure that is adult stuff and should be kept private.

Please excuse rambling ... im just throwing out some points to think about.

 

[tessie28]

just my take on it, but 7 and 11 are WAY to young to even be involved in DADS vacation ideas.

this should have been Dads, and only Dads decision, from the get go.

With the court order it is no longer your call as to who Dad chooses to have his children around.

As far as morals go, the courts really don't care abou tthat. All you can do is model the bahaviour you want in your home and hope it rubs off on your kids.