What is the fine line between being "overly sensitive" and "suck it up"? (work-related)

[starrzone]

Background: I work at a medium-sized company and have been here for just over 8 years. The person in the department who hired me now oversees ours and a couple of other departments.

I was going to try to be nice...but to be honest, his skills while talking to his employees are *extremely* poor. I don't want to say his people skills in *general* are poor; when he's speaking to an "equal" or to a customer (we can hear him at our desks) he laughs and is very pleasant. He is smart, thorough, and very sociable. However (and I know I'm not the only one who feels this way), when you ask him a question, he seems to always make you feel like you are the smallest, most inept person on the planet. Now, I live with anxiety and depression, and being criticized tend to affect me quite a lot; but at what point do I chalk it up to "that's just how he is" and "stop being too sensitive", and not want to run right to HR? (not that I would...I would write a very thought-out and concise email). My own father would probably say something along the lines of "suck it up and move on", and maybe this is what I should do...anyone have any opinions/ similar experience to share?

 

[Hikergirl]

You aren't really giving details or examples of what he say so it is hard to say.
IMO people don't control the way you feel, you do. You say you have anxiety and depression and you don't handle criticism well. Just based on that it may be that you may be overly sensitive to what he says, and interpreting it all wrong.

 

[Christine]

It's hard to know what to say without hearing some specific incidences on how he treats you.

I am a manager of 9 people and I find it extremely difficult when I have "sensitive" folks on my staff. It's the hardest thing for me. I think I'm a nice person and, like your manager, relaxed one on one chats are easy.

But, when I'm busy and I'm trying to get across how to do something via verbal/written instructions to my staff or answering emails in a frenzy, I am direct and to the point. I've had people get their feelings hurt because I didn't shove an "LOL" or a wink at the end of an email and they though I was being "short" with them, when it fact, I was just down to business.

If someone makes a mistake in my office, I do point it out and there are times I might be "serious" with that discussion. Why? Because they all make really good money (6 figures) and the mistakes are often careless and it annoys me. It is sometimes not an easy discussion and I end up getting really frustrated when someone gets hurt feelings over what is a normal and expected conversation at work about performance. Most people have a tough time with criticism but thin-skinned folks really suffer. I try to be aware of it, but sometimes it's unavoidable.

So I'd have to wonder, if the guy is being rough with people is that way because he's frustrated and the questions are "stupid" for lack of a better word, or is he truly just a pompous ****?

Again, I do see some people at work that really struggle with sensitive feelings all the time. Fortunately they are a minority, but if you think you might be sensitive, it's good to recognize that and try to work with it. Alternatively, if he's abusive and you're not generally sensitive in other areas, that's a totally different matter.

 

[cinnaminny]

I think some people like to push their weight around because they're really just tiny bitter people. I would just remember, you're not alone and try to not let it get to you. Unless of course you're prepared to quit. I probably wouldn't though, managers come and go.

 

[cabanafrau]

By your own admission you are leaving a lot of room for the possibility the issue is hypersensitivity on your part, as opposed to anything remotely worthy of HR's attention. What you definitely have in your power to change is your internal reaction. Put some serious effort into whatever the task at hand happens to be at the particular moment and make a determined effort to not read anything about you personally into the response given. If you can legitimately answer yes as to whether whatever question you're asking being valid to the job that needs doing, ask the question, take only the information pertinent to the job and ignore the rest.

 

[design_mom]

From your OP, it sounds like he's this way with other people, not just you, right? If so, I'd probably chalk it up to his communication style and do my best to suck it up.

I do understand though. I have had a number of bosses and I've gotten along reasonably well with all of them except one (and I suspect he would even say we got along.) But he was... volatile. His instructions would be incomplete/vague and if you asked for clarification he acted like you were incompetent. Then you were either a rockstar or an idiot, depending on how close you managed to get to his (not well-communicated) expectations. And there was no in-between: you could be a rockstar today and an idiot tomorrow, or vice versa. It was incredibly stressful. I have worked for other "difficult" people, but he was by far the worst because you never knew what the expectations were. But, it wasn't just me, he did this to everyone. We can't ALL be incompetent, right? It was just his (poor) communication style. He was not a "good boss" by any means, but I do not think he was doing anything that warranted HR's involvement.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Background: I work at a medium-sized company and have been here for just over 8 years. The person in the department who hired me now oversees ours and a couple of other departments.

I was going to try to be nice...but to be honest, his skills while talking to his employees are *extremely* poor. I don't want to say his people skills in *general* are poor; when he's speaking to an "equal" or to a customer (we can hear him at our desks) he laughs and is very pleasant. He is smart, thorough, and very sociable. However (and I know I'm not the only one who feels this way), when you ask him a question, he seems to always make you feel like you are the smallest, most inept person on the planet. Now, I live with anxiety and depression, and being criticized tend to affect me quite a lot; but at what point do I chalk it up to "that's just how he is" and "stop being too sensitive", and not want to run right to HR? (not that I would...I would write a very thought-out and concise email). My own father would probably say something along the lines of "suck it up and move on", and maybe this is what I should do...anyone have any opinions/ similar experience to share?

You'll meet plenty of two faced people like that. The problem isn't their people skills. They have them. They know who to schmooze and use them on but anyone else that isn't instrumental to them climbing the ladder, they really don't care about and pretty much treat like garbage. But given a bit of a lack of information of specifics, you'll pretty much have to decide for yourself how bad what he is doing is and what you are going to put up with and what you won't.

Good luck.

 

[sam_gordon]

But, when I'm busy and I'm trying to get across how to do something via verbal/written instructions to my staff or answering emails in a frenzy, I am direct and to the point. I've had people get their feelings hurt because I didn't shove an "LOL" or a wink at the end of an email and they though I was being "short" with them, when it fact, I was just down to business.

If someone makes a mistake in my office, I do point it out and there are times I might be "serious" with that discussion. Why? Because they all make really good money (6 figures) and the mistakes are often careless and it annoys me. It is sometimes not an easy discussion and I end up getting really frustrated when someone gets hurt feelings over what is a normal and expected conversation at work about performance. Most people have a tough time with criticism but thin-skinned folks really suffer. I try to be aware of it, but sometimes it's unavoidable.

+1

I manage 26 employees. A couple months ago I had to have a department meeting because people were making basic mistakes. I didn't yell, my voice level never raised, I didn't curse. I basically said "straighten up" (sorry, don't remember the exact words). I found out later one of the employees complained (not to HR, but to my #2) because I was "too harsh".

I will also get to the point when I'm extremely frustrated or tired, I'll be a little bit "short" in my interactions. Example... spent 15 hours at work Monday. 12 of them were troubleshooting a problem. We get the problem solved, I talk to a coworker that if the problem resurfaces, go to one of certain workstations and continue her work. I pull out of the parking and not even 5 minutes later I get a call to come back. That coworker moved to her secondary location because her primary was giving her problems and she was worried that her primary wouldn't work. That could have been handled the next morning. She had about 30 minutes left in her shift. And yes, she knew I was there MUCH later than normal.

 

[Imzadi]

However (and I know I'm not the only one who feels this way), when you ask him a question, he seems to always make you feel like you are the smallest, most inept person on the planet. Now, I live with anxiety and depression, and being criticized tend to affect me quite a lot; but at what point do I chalk it up to "that's just how he is" and "stop being too sensitive",

There is a great book called, The Four Agreements. The second & third agreements are: Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. If you follow only those two agreements, that takes care of most interactions. (Easy to say, sometimes hard to do, I know. )

You said yourself that he talks to other "underlings" that way too. So why are you internalizing how he talks to you and making it personal? On the one hand, it's his problem that he thinks/feels that those he's in charge of should be talked to that way. Maybe HE has self-esteem issues and he feels a need to be superior. Or maybe, since he's new at this, he's worried if the job isn't done correctly, that it will reflect badly on HIM and his performance, so he overly-describes what needs to be done for a question. There could be a hundred reasons WHY he is the way he is and why he talks to those he's in charge of that way. Maybe he needs a lot of therapy, stemming from childhood. Whatever.

Your problem is that you internalize it and make it about YOU, since you said being criticized tends to affect you quite a lot. I bet you take what he says and internalize it to mean: "He's saying I'm a stupid, inept, bad person," etc.

Don't add that on to yourself. Don't make his comments about YOU, unless he actually says something personal & specific aimed at you and your performance.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

I suggest that you start to keep a diary and record contemporaneously any interactions (good and bad) that you have with your boss. Record the time, date, place, witnesses and exactly what was said. Also record how you felt afterwards. Review it after a month and reflect (as objectively as possible) on whether you should take further action.

 

[Christine]

and not want to run right to HR? (not that I would...I would write a very thought-out and concise email). My own father would probably say something along the lines of "suck it up and move on", and maybe this is what I should do...anyone have any opinions/ similar experience to share?

Coming back for a second response.

If you do want to pursue this further because you feel that he is a little more snarky than he should be or he is demeaning, might I suggest that this not be done via email?

If I was the manager and I had an employee who felt that I was being too harsh, I think if I was hit with an email where someone wanted to unload that on me but not have a discussion, that would not go over well.

I believe in having these interactions as mature adults. Go in to him and let him know that some of your interactions have left you feeling a bit hurt or feeling demeaned and you wanted to talk through them to see if he really felt your performance was bad or if he realized that you took his remarks harshly. He may not have any idea or he may be well aware. But I think you should face him directly. See what he says. If he continues his pattern, you have done the right thing at first and if you ever did have to go to HR, you can say that you tried to deal with it between the both of you. It also gives him a chance to be made aware of his tone of voice and maybe think before he speaks.

 

[miniwinnie]

Background: I work at a medium-sized company and have been here for just over 8 years. The person in the department who hired me now oversees ours and a couple of other departments.

I was going to try to be nice...but to be honest, his skills while talking to his employees are *extremely* poor. I don't want to say his people skills in *general* are poor; when he's speaking to an "equal" or to a customer (we can hear him at our desks) he laughs and is very pleasant. He is smart, thorough, and very sociable. However (and I know I'm not the only one who feels this way), when you ask him a question, he seems to always make you feel like you are the smallest, most inept person on the planet. Now, I live with anxiety and depression, and being criticized tend to affect me quite a lot; but at what point do I chalk it up to "that's just how he is" and "stop being too sensitive", and not want to run right to HR? (not that I would...I would write a very thought-out and concise email). My own father would probably say something along the lines of "suck it up and move on", and maybe this is what I should do...anyone have any opinions/ similar experience to share?

It personally sounds as though he has poor communication skills. I also struggle with anxiety and I can completely relate: being talked down upon is never helpful nor is it good leadership! Even if a manager is simply trying to get their point across to their employee, it should always be done with respect. If your coworkers feel the same, take comfort in the fact that you have their support and you shouldn't blame yourself for being "too sensitive." I am in a similar position myself, and it is never easy. I agree with @Welsh_Dragon, maybe keeping a log of exactly what is said and how it made you feel could be a good way to gauge if the situation is worth bringing to HR. I wouldn't be afraid to speak to HR either -- you don't have to use them to escalate the situation, but they may be able to provide you with good advice. After all, it's what they are there for!

 

[tzolkin]

Since you haven't given too much information it's hard to say whether you are being too sensitive or if you need to "suck it up". It could be both or it could be neither. I know situations and people can vary, but more than likely I would say something to him directly about the way that he talks to people.
Yes, it's awkward. But I think 90% of the time this does improve the situation rather than making it worse. Sometimes the person is truly oblivious of their behavior/tone/whatever and it needs to be brought to their attention before they can take steps to modify how they interact with others. Other times they are fully aware of the fact that they are treating people poorly, but they will respect you more when you call them out on it and they understand that you will not tolerate it.

Of course there's a slight possibility that addressing it could just make him mad and have him be even more rude to you, but if you're already feeling that demeaned by how he speaks to you it probably won't really make a difference and that's the point where you would need to "suck it up" that he's just a jerk and there's no changing the situation. That said, my husband and I (and even our teen/adult children) are very direct and have had countless times where we have (politely but firmly) called someone out on their behavior and we have never experienced that outcome.

 

[starrzone]

It personally sounds as though he has poor communication skills. I also struggle with anxiety and I can completely relate: being talked down upon is never helpful nor is it good leadership! Even if a manager is simply trying to get their point across to their employee, it should always be done with respect. If your coworkers feel the same, take comfort in the fact that you have their support and you shouldn't blame yourself for being "too sensitive." I am in a similar position myself, and it is never easy. I agree with @Welsh_Dragon, maybe keeping a log of exactly what is said and how it made you feel could be a good way to gauge if the situation is worth bringing to HR. I wouldn't be afraid to speak to HR either -- you don't have to use them to escalate the situation, but they may be able to provide you with good advice. After all, it's what they are there for!

I think you hit the nail on the head here with the bolded part!! My thinking is along the lines of "A person in this position should never speak to people this way, and *I* never would, so what makes him think he can?". Keeping a record is an excellent idea; thanks to everyone who suggested it!

 

[jrmasm]

What way does he talk down to you? His words or his tone? What would you write in your record?

 

[Kitty 34]

You haven't given much info out but I'll put in my 2 cents worth:

Back in my day and of course I have no clue how old you are but when we had work situations, my friends and I would have that beer at the bar after work, discuss our day which probably included coworkers and bosses and move forward but again that was back in my day.......Good luck to you.

 

[cbatt1981]

It personally sounds as though he has poor communication skills. I also struggle with anxiety and I can completely relate: being talked down upon is never helpful nor is it good leadership! Even if a manager is simply trying to get their point across to their employee, it should always be done with respect. If your coworkers feel the same, take comfort in the fact that you have their support and you shouldn't blame yourself for being "too sensitive." I am in a similar position myself, and it is never easy. I agree with @Welsh_Dragon, maybe keeping a log of exactly what is said and how it made you feel could be a good way to gauge if the situation is worth bringing to HR. I wouldn't be afraid to speak to HR either -- you don't have to use them to escalate the situation, but they may be able to provide you with good advice. After all, it's what they are there for!

I agree with this as well. Another thing to take into consideration is the fact that you say you've been with the company for 8 years. If you haven't had any issues in the past and you go to HR or someone with an issue, they would be much more willing to take you seriously than, say, someone who's only been there a year. Keep your chin up!

 

[disykat]

I would find someone I trust (outside of work) and talk specifics. See what they think. I think it's good to be cautious about complaining, but make sure you're not ignoring something that should be reported.

I left my old job two years ago and still sometimes regret that I didn't go to the union over some things that happened. I have told a close friend the details of how I was treated by a particular boss and she was horrified. Sometimes you shouldn't suck it up.

I agree with those how say to document. There may be a day you decided to talk to someone and you will need it.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Some companies promote workers who are good at their job, making them managers. It doesn't make them good managers.