Weird wedding celebration

lisaviolet

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jul 9, 2002
If you don’t want to go, don’t go. I am very much a live and let live person, so I’d say no thank you and move on.

I would absolutely go, and help to do everything needed if it was a good friend. And actually have, not to this extent but have

And do exactly what you said if they were not close to me.

But regardless I still think no one is a guest, and it is perfectly normal - regardless of whether I go or not - to judge when such requests
are made of one's guests. And requests is a generous word.
 
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disykat

This person totally gets me
Joined
Jun 5, 2000
I haven't read the entire thread, but this sounds like a blast to me and really very "old-fashioned." I didn't grow up with the "throw a banquet" type weddings, it just wasn't a thing where I lived. While the host would definitely provide the cake, drinks, music, decor, etc. and I definitely do think this is sort of to the extreme, I went to potluck style weddings many times as a child and even up into the 80's. Generally, it was the local family and very close friends bringing the food and out of town guests and acquaintances certainly weren't expected to contribute. Your gift to the bride and groom was providing your signature dish to their wedding, no other gift expected. As a child in the 60s we went to MANY potluck events (that weren't weddings) and "bringing your own service" was part of it. Mom had a cloth apparatus (the kind of thing you might get at a craft fair now) that was specifically for carrying your own plates and silverware. You brought it home, washed up the dishes and threw the cloth in the next load of laundry that was going to be done on hot. I remember my mother being excited when disposable dishware became more common, but it always has felt like a luxury item to her.

Even at my sister's small wedding less than 10 years ago, it wasn't potluck, but I bought the cake (my sister ordered it and I picked it up and paid,) my brother bought the champagne, and my parents paid for the catered dinner for the 25 guests. Those were our gifts. We offered, she accepted, and it made life a lot easier on all of us. It was at their home so all they paid for was their clothes, decor, flowers, appetizers before the wedding and the general alcohol tab, etc.

Most weddings I've gone to I've offered if they need any help with something. If I'm not close enough to the person to want to go to want to do those kinds of things, I'm generally not really interested in going at all.
 

SueInBoston

DIS Veteran
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
I left for vacation on 7/30 and just back yesterday 8/12. In my mailbox is a wedding RSVP due 8/1 from my 2nd cousin's daughter, whom I have not seen in over 20 years. Saw cousin 2 months ago at a funeral after not seeing each other for over 15 years. Wedding is 9/16. My aunt got her invite over 2 months ago. It is obvious that I'm a "fill the seat" invite. I will attend to be a good sport but can't help being a bit salty about it.
 

Disneylover99

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jul 17, 2012
I left for vacation on 7/30 and just back yesterday 8/12. In my mailbox is a wedding RSVP due 8/1 from my 2nd cousin's daughter, whom I have not seen in over 20 years. Saw cousin 2 months ago at a funeral after not seeing each other for over 15 years. Wedding is 9/16. My aunt got her invite over 2 months ago. It is obvious that I'm a "fill the seat" invite. I will attend to be a good sport but can't help being a bit salty about it.
Wow! You are a good sport. :goodvibes
 

leebee

DIS Veteran
Joined
Sep 14, 1999
OP here. DD and SiL went to the wedding, taking their own place settings, their tent, and their food donation (cold cucumber salad with a vinegar/sweet dressing). DD said there were about 80 people there for the ceremony but many left after the pot luck, which was a LOT of different pasta dishes, meatballs, etc. but that it was fine (and the cucumber salad was a hit). She said maybe 25 of them stayed late into the evening, with only about 10 camping out overnight. She said it was a blast, lots of partying and music and laughs. However... turns out there was no need to bring place settings and utensils. After sending the invitations, the bride and groom scoured Goodwill, Salvation Army, etc. for plates, cups, and utensils. She said it was definitely better than eating off plastic (which she brought) BUT she was drafted for kitchen crew today, so she ended up washing dishes for an hour and a half! She said they had a good time but we both still think it was strange to invite people to come over days ahead to help set up tables and chairs, make bouquets, and of course to (unnecessarily) bring their own place settings. I still can't get over asking wedding guests to bring their own dishes!
 

Dan Murphy

We are family.
Joined
Apr 20, 2000
OP here. DD and SiL went to the wedding, taking their own place settings, their tent, and their food donation (cold cucumber salad with a vinegar/sweet dressing). DD said there were about 80 people there for the ceremony but many left after the pot luck, which was a LOT of different pasta dishes, meatballs, etc. but that it was fine (and the cucumber salad was a hit). She said maybe 25 of them stayed late into the evening, with only about 10 camping out overnight. She said it was a blast, lots of partying and music and laughs. However... turns out there was no need to bring place settings and utensils. After sending the invitations, the bride and groom scoured Goodwill, Salvation Army, etc. for plates, cups, and utensils. She said it was definitely better than eating off plastic (which she brought) BUT she was drafted for kitchen crew today, so she ended up washing dishes for an hour and a half! She said they had a good time but we both still think it was strange to invite people to come over days ahead to help set up tables and chairs, make bouquets, and of course to (unnecessarily) bring their own place settings. I still can't get over asking wedding guests to bring their own dishes!
Thanks for the follow-up, leebee. Good to hear it was pretty good in the end.
 

Lady Gaga

Mouseketeer
Joined
Mar 2, 2017
I left for vacation on 7/30 and just back yesterday 8/12. In my mailbox is a wedding RSVP due 8/1 from my 2nd cousin's daughter, whom I have not seen in over 20 years. Saw cousin 2 months ago at a funeral after not seeing each other for over 15 years. Wedding is 9/16. My aunt got her invite over 2 months ago. It is obvious that I'm a "fill the seat" invite. I will attend to be a good sport but can't help being a bit salty about it.
I wouldn't even bother RSVP'ing to that invite and I most definitely wouldn't be attending the wedding!
 

jerrywilliams

Earning My Ears
Joined
Apr 24, 2022
That sounds really weird. We had a small party with close friends and family only.
We rented a house in mountains for three days and had a party there. My wife had only one beautiful dress from Princessly ,
not two or three how its modern these days.
Screen Shot 2022-09-14 at 12.04.01.png
 
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Karin1984

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 5, 2012
I have been to wedding where the couple didn't have the money for a big party and had lots of homemade food and decorations. But that was all done by the couple and friends & family who they had asked in advance. The aunt baked the cake, a cousin made the decorations etc.

I would think it odd to ask the other guests to show up with something. Because you then never know what you end up with.

For example, when we at work had a party where everyone brought a dish, there was one thing we never had: drinks.
And way too many sides like pasta or potato salads.
 
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leeniewdw

DIS Veteran
Joined
Mar 1, 2020
Having just attended a wedding weekend, I just hope the people that paid for it have enough money to not blink an eye at how much was spent. Fancy rehearsal dinner (that included out of town friends, not just out of town family), open bar w/light food after the rehearsal dinner for literally everyone (both of these events at an art museum). Black tie wedding at a fancy country club with wonderful food, a great band, etc. Definitely cost more than my first house.

Anyway -- people can decide if they want to participate in non-traditional wedding events or not, but I will never judge people for being good stewards of their money.
 

_19disnA

DIS Veteran
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
I left for vacation on 7/30 and just back yesterday 8/12. In my mailbox is a wedding RSVP due 8/1 from my 2nd cousin's daughter, whom I have not seen in over 20 years. Saw cousin 2 months ago at a funeral after not seeing each other for over 15 years. Wedding is 9/16. My aunt got her invite over 2 months ago. It is obvious that I'm a "fill the seat" invite. I will attend to be a good sport but can't help being a bit salty about it.

Personally, I would RSVP that you are unable to attend and just send a gift. Someone you have not seen in over 20 yrs is probably inviting you just to get a gift. I think it always makes sense to reply since some types of receptions pay based on the number of seats/plates and a 'no-show' still counts in that total. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Just noticed this thread about the 'help us setup for a wedding' and seems very strange to me. I think it is tacky to invite wedding guests to do the work of setting up for a wedding. There are a number of alternatives they could have chosen if they didn't have the money to pay for the reception. Over the years have been to very small wedding receptions where they only served cake/punch since it fit their budget and it worked out fine. Sometimes the immediate family might be involved in setting up the tables/chairs at a church hall reception..........but not the invited guests. I think that makes far more sense then asking the guests to do your work/preparation.
 

leeniewdw

DIS Veteran
Joined
Mar 1, 2020
I left for vacation on 7/30 and just back yesterday 8/12. In my mailbox is a wedding RSVP due 8/1 from my 2nd cousin's daughter, whom I have not seen in over 20 years. Saw cousin 2 months ago at a funeral after not seeing each other for over 15 years. Wedding is 9/16. My aunt got her invite over 2 months ago. It is obvious that I'm a "fill the seat" invite. I will attend to be a good sport but can't help being a bit salty about it.

I realize you saw here 2 months ago, so getting an invite 2 months later might seem suspect, but maybe they realized they'd like you to attend after re-connecting/seeing you and had to work out some logistics based on head count, etc? We had a big snafu with our rehearsal dinner because when we counted up the wedding party, immediate family, and extended family traveling to attend, I was given a # and it worked with the capacity of the venue. When it came time to actually invite people. the number from the other side was about 20 more than the original # (and I had no documentation of who made up their number). Aunts got mad that their teen kids (who lived locally) could not attend a dinner at a rooftop restaurant/bar (narrator: the teen kids did attend and I had to offer an apology for the snafu -- that I did not create). The cost wasn't an issue, but rather the venue was an indoor/outdoor place and while fire code would allow the larger number, the venue itself said if it was a rainy evening, it would be uncomfortably crowded indoors.

Anyway -- I'm just offering the idea that maybe they honestly wanted you to attend, but had to deal with some logistics before sending the invite out. I could be completely wrong of course, lol!


Personally, I would RSVP that you are unable to attend and just send a gift. Someone you have not seen in over 20 yrs is probably inviting you just to get a gift. I think it always makes sense to reply since some types of receptions pay based on the number of seats/plates and a 'no-show' still counts in that total. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Just noticed this thread about the 'help us setup for a wedding' and seems very strange to me. I think it is tacky to invite wedding guests to do the work of setting up for a wedding. There are a number of alternatives they could have chosen if they didn't have the money to pay for the reception. Over the years have been to very small wedding receptions where they only served cake/punch since it fit their budget and it worked out fine. Sometimes the immediate family might be involved in setting up the tables/chairs at a church hall reception..........but not the invited guests. I think that makes far more sense then asking the guests to do your work/preparation.

Again -- people can opt out of whatever they want (and it seems like the invite made that clear), but if this couple didn't take part in all the other 'trappings' of an an engagement/wedding: engagement parties, showers, bachelor/bachelorette trips due to COVID, and felt they had a friend group that wanted to do something special/kind for them, so be it.

My DS's gf has been to three elaborate "bachelorette parties" this year alone: Napa (we're on the east coast), Ft Lauderdale, Dominican Republic. She was invited to one in Puerto Rico that she had to decline due to a new job. This is in addition to out of town "destination" weddings where she was an attendant (so no choice to decline).

Perhaps this "weird" wedding is at one end of the spectrum, but there is another end that's costing people a LOT of money just to participate to celebrate the couple.
 

_19disnA

DIS Veteran
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Perhaps this "weird" wedding is at one end of the spectrum, but there is another end that's costing people a LOT of money just to participate to celebrate the couple.

While the bridge/groom may be in the 'money is no object' category, I doubt everyone invited to their wedding would be. Destination weddings are fine, but as a guest if attending wasn't within your budget, I don't see anything wrong in declining the invite.
 

leeniewdw

DIS Veteran
Joined
Mar 1, 2020
While the bridge/groom may be in the 'money is no object' category, I doubt everyone invited to their wedding would be. Destination weddings are fine, but as a guest if attending wasn't within your budget, I don't see anything wrong in declining the invite.

I agree -- and I know I would feel fine about it. But we're talking about 20-somethings now who may feel a bit more pressure to attend (they aren't old/jaded like me, lol). And in some cases, they are being asked to be part of the wedding so it's even harder to decline. They've also been subject to Friday night weddings that require more time off work to travel to, especially if they are in the wedding, making the rehearsal stuff on a Thursday.
 

scrapquitler

DIS Veteran
Joined
Aug 15, 2007
I know we on the DIS love a good wedding thread! I have to share this, it's the weirdest wedding invitation I've ever heard of! DD and SIL are going to a "wedding celebration" hosted by a couple who were married during Covid and couldn't have the full wedding they always wanted. The wedding is 6 days away. DD just learned of a wedding website. Guests are invited to attend the Wednesday festivities, to pitch a tent and set up tables, and Thursday festivities, which include decorating and making bouquets. The celebration is on Saturday, to which guests are asked to bring a dish to share (to feed 20 people, 100 are attending, there's a sign-up sheet), their own beverages (alcoholic and non), and their own place settings- plates, bowls, utensils, napkins, and glasses- none of which can be disposable as this is a zero-impact celebration. (DH is pretty amused, wants to know what they are doing about toilet paper :crazy2: ) I mean... I thought I'd heard of everything, but this takes the cake (which people have been asked to bring, specific flavors decorated in specific colors to match the decor)!! DD's pretty salty about this, especially as it's a 4 hour drive away and they will be tenting for the evening as theo location is a seacoast town where hotel/airbnb prices are about $350 a night, if you can get a room for just one night. They won't be doing any of the pre-festivities, of course, and I guess we'll hit Goodwill for dishes that we don't mind "lsing" if they don't make it back (dirty?) from the wedding.
Meh, they are camping with their friends to belatedly celebrate thier marriage. Whatever. It's definitely not the kind of event I'd attend (camping is a hard NO for me in any circumstances). I might consider going for the day to visit if I could find a place to stay overnight. I do have friends that would not be phase at all by this sort of situation, in fact, they'd embrace it and love it.
 

mjkacmom

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 20, 2006
Personally, I would RSVP that you are unable to attend and just send a gift. Someone you have not seen in over 20 yrs is probably inviting you just to get a gift. I think it always makes sense to reply since some types of receptions pay based on the number of seats/plates and a 'no-show' still counts in that total. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Just noticed this thread about the 'help us setup for a wedding' and seems very strange to me. I think it is tacky to invite wedding guests to do the work of setting up for a wedding. There are a number of alternatives they could have chosen if they didn't have the money to pay for the reception. Over the years have been to very small wedding receptions where they only served cake/punch since it fit their budget and it worked out fine. Sometimes the immediate family might be involved in setting up the tables/chairs at a church hall reception..........but not the invited guests. I think that makes far more sense then asking the guests to do your work/preparation.
Of course one should always reply, I’ve never attended a wedding reception that doesn’t charge per person, and inviting people just for a gift doesn’t make much sense since you pay for their meal/drinks so you are not getting ahead. Sometimes folks are on the B list because the couple doesn’t know them well, but some family members wants them invited. Our venue has a max, since it was indoor/outdoor and numbers had to be kept smaller in case of rain.
 

Carol_

DIS Veteran
Joined
Aug 29, 2019
I'd send them 50 bucks in the mail and wish them congratulations, best wishes. No way would I go to something like that.


ETA...Maybe 100 bucks, if close friends, but seems they are hardly known, what with 6 days notice. :confused3 :confused:
Ya, sounds like they could use the money. I decided to no longer camp after I got a spider bite last year that itched for 3 months. Between that and thinking every squirrel outside the tent was a bear intent on eating me, I’m done. Thanks. Enjoy your toaster in good health.
 










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