Uh oh... need advice...

[ElleBelle]

A little background here. One of my best girlfriends met a guy 2 years ago, fell in love, got engaged... and got pregnant. Things were always kind of 'off' with them... eventhough I would see my girlfriend 2 or 3 times a week, up until this November (when she delivered) I had never met him... he was just never around! (She always said he was really busy at work...) Once she was home with the baby some odd things started happening. I started getting very few calls from her/ odd messages/ etc... At first, I chalked it up to just being busy with the new baby... but as I started putting the puzzle pieces together, I started to worry.

Turns out her fiance has been EXTREMELY verbally abusive to her throughout the entire pregnancy (actually, for the entire relationship...), and things only got worse once she delivered. Not only was her fiance screaming at her every day, he also decided to try and commit suicide just 2 weeks after she delivered. All I could be to my girlfriend was SUPPORTIVE. 3 weeks after having a c-section she had to move back home with a newborn baby and two moving trucks full of furniture/ etc. I helped her many days getting things straightened and in order, and enjoyed every minute... I'm the kind of person that loves to give my time to help others- not to mention the fact that she is very much a treasured friend and her baby is such a precious little guy!

To make a long story short, she has basically decided that she wants to try and patch things up with her fiance, and is even letting him watch the baby "when he feels like it" since she has gone back to work. (Her aunt currently watches the baby about 3 out of 5 days.) I'm still trying to be supportive. REALLY, I am. It's her life, I'm her friend, I just need to be there for her. The thing is, from what my girlfriend says it sounds like he's doing an ok job of watching the baby... i just feel like my friend is being SUCH a trusting person (and she always has been). Frankly though, I'm a bit worried about someone being so "unstable" and abusive being left alone with a 2 month old. According to my friend, he has not been seeking any treatment since the suicide attempt. I just don't feel like it's a very safe situation! I personally have never been in an abusive relationship, so I really can't understand 100% what's going through her head. At this point, I just feel stuck. Acutally, I don't know how to feel/ what to do/ or if I should do anything. Should I voice my concerns to my friend? Would I be overstepping my bounds? Am I overreacting??? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!

 

[kdibattista]

Wow... there is NO WAY IN HELL I would ever leave my child with someone (especially the father of the child) if there was a suicide attempt with no treatment. That is a tragedy waiting to happen.

I'm so sorry

 

[mickeyfan2]

Wow... there is NO WAY IN HELL I would ever leave my child with someone (especially the father of the child) if there was a suicide attempt with no treatment. That is a tragedy waiting to happen.

I'm so sorry

 

[ilovejack02]

OMG this is not a good thing!!!!! I want to bet that if you speak to her about it she is not going to take it well. Have you spoken to her family? What do they have to say. I cant believe I am about to say this, but I think I would call social services if what you are saying is correct. How on earth could any sane person let someone who is verbally abusive and tried to commit suicide and not had therapy watch their child????? How should you feel about it? Enraged that someone would be so careless with their child, does that mean you should jump all over her about it, no that wont help at all. That girl needs some help. I would prob try and talk to her about it, but I bet it would push her away, people in those types of situations tend to take up for their abuser until they are ready to stop and that has to be on their own terms. There way need to be an intervention of some sort from the authorities.

 

[Goofyluver]

Wow! Sometimes as a friend your job is to just be there. Unfortunately, until something does happen, you probably can't do anything. I don't know how comfortable you would be with telling your friend you are worried about her...and why. Right now, you just need to support her. If and when something happens, you can help her pick up the pieces and when the time is right, tell her what you really think.

 

[chell]

Find a way that would be easiest for you to talk to your friend and come across as truly concerned, not trying to be attacking of him or bossy. But let her know that if anything was to happen to the baby that since she knowingly left the baby with a mentally unstable and abusive person that she could also be held responsible besides the fact that she would have to live with that the rest of her life. Maybe that approach will help open her eyes.

 

[kdibattista]

Sorry... I just could not let this go. Your friend needs to know how serious this is. See below:

Around 80% of all suicidal people show some sign of their intentions. Every depressed person will not become suicidal; however, most who attempt suicide have been depressed.

Warning signs:

Previous suicide attempts
Actual threats of suicide, either direct or indirect
Off-handed comments such as "maybe you're better off without me"
Risky, daring actions and behaviors
Little interest in future plans
Repeated thoughts of death, an obsession with death
Poems, essays, or drawings involving death
Major changes in appearance or behavior
Great sense of shame, guilt or rejection
Changes in eating or sleeping patterns
Significant drop in school or work performance
Giving away belongings
It is very important to understand that the danger is not over if someone has survived a suicide attempt. The possibility of suicide is actually highest the first year after an attempt!

If this guy is verbally abusive as well, he doesn't love her. If he doesn't love her and she doesn't respond well to him... he will try to punish her. In the mind a mentally sick individual, I shudder to think what could happen to her son.

ETA: I understand you are in a very bad position, but her child's well being should outweigh your loyalty to her at this point. I hope that you are able to reason with her. Again, I'm so sorry

 

[FSUGrad97]

OMG this is not a good thing!!!!! I want to bet that if you speak to her about it she is not going to take it well. Have you spoken to her family? What do they have to say. I cant believe I am about to say this, but I think I would call social services if what you are saying is correct. How on earth could any sane person let someone who is verbally abusive and tried to commit suicide and not had therapy watch their child?????

SERIOUSLY!
What is she thinking?!? Even though it would be hard, I would have an honest discussion with her about this. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

[ilovejack02]

Sorry... I just could not let this go. Your friend needs to know how serious this is. See below:

ETA: I understand you are in a very bad position, but her child's well being should outweigh your loyalty to her at this point. I hope that you are able to reason with her. Again, I'm so sorry

ITA!!! The child is the most important person! What if that Dad has a bad day and decides to kill himself and takes that baby with him?

 

[ElleBelle]

ETA: I understand you are in a very bad position, but her child's well being should outweigh your loyalty to her at this point. I hope that you are able to reason with her. Again, I'm so sorry

I agree with you 100%! Just wanted to see what everyone's opinions were here. Thanks for everything thus far! Wish me luck, everyone. I think we're going to be having an in-depth conversation tonight, and see where that gets us.

 

[kdibattista]

Good luck... she's lucky to have you

 

[lesroi]

OMG this is not a good thing!!!!! I want to bet that if you speak to her about it she is not going to take it well. Have you spoken to her family? What do they have to say. I cant believe I am about to say this, but I think I would call social services if what you are saying is correct. How on earth could any sane person let someone who is verbally abusive and tried to commit suicide and not had therapy watch their child????? How should you feel about it? Enraged that someone would be so careless with their child, does that mean you should jump all over her about it, no that wont help at all. That girl needs some help. I would prob try and talk to her about it, but I bet it would push her away, people in those types of situations tend to take up for their abuser until they are ready to stop and that has to be on their own terms. There way need to be an intervention of some sort from the authorities.

I can't believe I am saying it either, but this would be a situation in which I would call social services. As much as I love my friends, if their innocent child was in danger, I just don't think I would be able to stand by and watch.

Is there any way you can file an anonymous report? That is, if you don't feel comfortable confronting your friend. I would just be frozen with worry about the baby. Someone that has attempted suicide has NO rational hold on the real world anymore. He could do anything to that baby. Just think, he doesn't even care about himself, how can he care for a BABY? Is there any chance that he has threatened her into coming back and she is just too scared to tell?

Oh, I really feel for your position. Best of luck to you and your friend.

Tracy

 

[Missy1961]

I agree with you 100%! Just wanted to see what everyone's opinions were here. Thanks for everything thus far! Wish me luck, everyone. I think we're going to be having an in-depth conversation tonight, and see where that gets us.

She's lucky to have such a good friend.

 

[tkd lisa]

Some of you may remember that my ex husband met quite a bit of the description here toward the end of our marriage. My kids were older, and I wouldn't leave him with them at all. and they were 12 and 13 at the time.

He ended up coming after us with a gun. I was blessed that the police were able to stop him. So if your friend doesn't believe he'll really hurt her or the baby, you can share my story. PM me if you want more details.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can't believe I am saying it either, but this would be a situation in which I would call social services.

ITA

To start a discussion, and then your friend goes to the babies father (on your advice), then he goes off the deep end when she tells him that she is not comfortable leaving the baby with him... etc... What you are setting up here is a very volatile situation! You really do not want to feel responsible for any of it.

From what you have described this man is controlling and abusive.
Most every time it all comes to a head and tragedy strikes at the very moment that the woman pulls away and refuses to let him control her. (in this case, by not letting him have the baby) This is classic.

This situation requires some professional assistance.

Not just a 'discussion' and hugs from a friend.

 

[ChristmasElf]

Isn't there like a suicide hotline set up in most cities? Maybe you could call them and get some advice on what to do.
Is the suicide attempt a matter of "public record" ?? Meaning are there several people that are aware of the attempt? Maybe contacting someone else that is also aware of the boyfriends suicide tendancies, would then be enough proof to social services that there is a potential problem.

Also, by calling social/childrens services on your friends situation, be prepared for her to get VERY upset and mad with you, maybe even possibly ending the friendship.

Maybe this isn't an ideal option for you, but maybe you could offer to watch the baby when her Aunt couldn't, so the baby wouldn't be left alone with the father.

Do you know the Aunt? I would begin with her and ask her for advice on your concerns.

 

[momrek06]

Wow... there is NO WAY IN HELL I would ever leave my child with someone (especially the father of the child) if there was a suicide attempt with no treatment. That is a tragedy waiting to happen.

ITA Get this child the H away from HIM! IMMEDIATELY. If you are the good friend that you say you are, please call her and have the AUNT continue with the babe's care. And I am so sure the Aunt will notice things unusual with the babe sooner than the babe's Mom, because the Aunt is NOT in love with this dude.

SERIOUSLY!
What is she thinking?!? Even though it would be hard, I would have an honest discussion with her about this. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

That is the problem right there she is NOT thinking. LOVE IS BLIND.
I think the dude is JEALOUS of this baby, I really do, and that is not good. I certainly hope he does not hurt this baby in any way shape or form, because the Mom will be as responsible as the dude as she KNEW he had some pre-existing ISSUES prior to watching the baby.

 

[ilovejack02]

Let us know how it goes with your friend!
Im keeping that baby in my prayers.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I can't believe I am saying it either, but this would be a situation in which I would call social services. As much as I love my friends, if their innocent child was in danger, I just don't think I would be able to stand by and watch.

This is what I was thinking as well.