U.S. SUCCEEDS IN TOPPLING CONNIE CHUNG
Regime Change At CNN On Track, Rumsfeld Says
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters at the Pentagon today that the U.S. has succeeded in removing Connie Chung from the airwaves, a primary objective of Operation Iraqi Freedom.
To those critics who would say that this campaign isnt moving quickly enough, let me say this: its only been a week and weve already gotten Connie Chungs show cancelled, Rumsfeld said. Goodness gracious, Id say were on track.
Secretary Rumsfeld reminded reporters that regime change at CNN was the ultimate goal of the military campaign in Iraq, and that the removal of Ms. Chung from the schedule goes a long way towards achieving that goal.
In an official statement, Ms. Chungs agent said, We thought Connie was embedded at CNN, but apparently she wasnt embedded securely enough.
While U.S. officials were reportedly elated over the removal of Connie Chung, France, Germany and Russia called for an emergency session of the U.N. Security Council to discuss what program would fill Ms. Chungs timeslot in a post-Chung CNN.
The fear among those three countries is that the United States might act unilaterally to schedule a new program of their own choosing, possibly starring Deborah Norville.
Deborah Norville is definitely the worst-case scenario, said French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin.
In other war news, a U.S. missile over Baghdad reportedly strayed off-course today and hit the filmmaker Michael Moore in Santa Monica, California.
Mr. Moore, who was said to be heavily fortified, was unharmed in the accident.
The Oscar-winning director is currently taking a temporary hiatus from filmmaking and plans to spend the next twelve months wrecking festive occasions across the country with sudden unexpected outbursts.
****BOROWITZ REPORT****
Regime Change At CNN On Track, Rumsfeld Says
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters at the Pentagon today that the U.S. has succeeded in removing Connie Chung from the airwaves, a primary objective of Operation Iraqi Freedom.
To those critics who would say that this campaign isnt moving quickly enough, let me say this: its only been a week and weve already gotten Connie Chungs show cancelled, Rumsfeld said. Goodness gracious, Id say were on track.
Secretary Rumsfeld reminded reporters that regime change at CNN was the ultimate goal of the military campaign in Iraq, and that the removal of Ms. Chung from the schedule goes a long way towards achieving that goal.
In an official statement, Ms. Chungs agent said, We thought Connie was embedded at CNN, but apparently she wasnt embedded securely enough.
While U.S. officials were reportedly elated over the removal of Connie Chung, France, Germany and Russia called for an emergency session of the U.N. Security Council to discuss what program would fill Ms. Chungs timeslot in a post-Chung CNN.
The fear among those three countries is that the United States might act unilaterally to schedule a new program of their own choosing, possibly starring Deborah Norville.
Deborah Norville is definitely the worst-case scenario, said French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin.
In other war news, a U.S. missile over Baghdad reportedly strayed off-course today and hit the filmmaker Michael Moore in Santa Monica, California.
Mr. Moore, who was said to be heavily fortified, was unharmed in the accident.
The Oscar-winning director is currently taking a temporary hiatus from filmmaking and plans to spend the next twelve months wrecking festive occasions across the country with sudden unexpected outbursts.
****BOROWITZ REPORT****
