U.S. MAY BE CLOSE TO FINDING CHENEY
Oil Stocks Rally on Rumors
The U.S. may be close to finding Vice President Dick Cheney for the first time since he disappeared in late 2001, sources close to the search for Mr. Cheney revealed today.
While the White House refused to comment on the rumors indicating that the U.S. was closing in on Mr. Cheney, oil stocks rallied on the speculation that the missing Vice President might soon be located.
Oil investors hate uncertainty, said Joe Belson, a petroleum stock analyst for Morgan Stanley. Knowing that Dick Cheney is alive and well makes them feel like theyll be taken care of.
While officials conducting the search for Mr. Cheney would not specify the Vice Presidents precise coordinates, speculation centered on a PGA golf course in one of the Western states.
One official said that a laptop seized from Credit Suisse First Bostons fallen star Frank Quattrone contained a treasure trove of information that may have aided in the search for the elusive veep, but he added that optimism about finding Mr. Cheney remained guarded at best.
As anyone at the General Accounting Office can tell you, in Richard Cheney we are dealing with a sneaky, sneaky man, the official said.
He is also a master of disguise, the official warned. Remember, during the 2000 campaign, he posed as a compassionate conservative.
In other international news, the White House today attempted to galvanize U.N. support for its Iraq policy by issuing a list of one million more reasons to go to war with Iraq.
In our view, these million reasons are better than one good reason, press secretary Ari Fleischer said.
****BOROWITZ REPORT****
Oil Stocks Rally on Rumors
The U.S. may be close to finding Vice President Dick Cheney for the first time since he disappeared in late 2001, sources close to the search for Mr. Cheney revealed today.
While the White House refused to comment on the rumors indicating that the U.S. was closing in on Mr. Cheney, oil stocks rallied on the speculation that the missing Vice President might soon be located.
Oil investors hate uncertainty, said Joe Belson, a petroleum stock analyst for Morgan Stanley. Knowing that Dick Cheney is alive and well makes them feel like theyll be taken care of.
While officials conducting the search for Mr. Cheney would not specify the Vice Presidents precise coordinates, speculation centered on a PGA golf course in one of the Western states.
One official said that a laptop seized from Credit Suisse First Bostons fallen star Frank Quattrone contained a treasure trove of information that may have aided in the search for the elusive veep, but he added that optimism about finding Mr. Cheney remained guarded at best.
As anyone at the General Accounting Office can tell you, in Richard Cheney we are dealing with a sneaky, sneaky man, the official said.
He is also a master of disguise, the official warned. Remember, during the 2000 campaign, he posed as a compassionate conservative.
In other international news, the White House today attempted to galvanize U.N. support for its Iraq policy by issuing a list of one million more reasons to go to war with Iraq.
In our view, these million reasons are better than one good reason, press secretary Ari Fleischer said.
****BOROWITZ REPORT****
