Trying to teach my fiancé about money and financials

[dosekies]

A little backstory: I am 24 and my fiancé is 23. We both currently still live at home until we can afford to get our own place. Luckily, we live within 10 minutes of each other and both of our families are ok with us staying over so we are together very often.

My parents raised me to think about money and how I spend it. I make sure to budget and save what I can and do not make big purchases without thinking about them first. I graduated college 2 years ago with about 60k in student loans. Since then, I bought a great used car for about 15k which I paid off in 10 months and have also paid about 15k towards both of my loans. Personally, I think that is a pretty good start for me!

My fiancé's family is the exact opposite. They seem to buy what that want because they want it and worry about paying it off later. They go on vacations that they can't afford and then complain that they can't fix what they need to in their house. It bothers me so much!!!!! My fiancé currently has a motorcycle payment that he still owes a decent amount on, but he also needs a new car. I am trying to get him to understand that he cannot afford a nice truck or jeep like he wants. He needs to get something that will work for him, but that he can also afford to pay for. We are trying to get married and move out, so a 40k car isn't really realistic for him because he does still have that motorcycle payment too. But every time I think I'm getting somewhere with him, his dad comes in and brings him back to 'oh you need a truck' without thinking about the financial aspects.

How can I get him to see that he can't afford it!? I don't understand how his family thinks this is ok!!!!

 

[disneylove69]

First do not get married until you are on the same page with finances and you are comfortable. I suggest reading Dave Ramsey's book. Easy and doable planning. The also have very inexpensive workshops.

 

[lorac4disney]

I agree that you need to postpone any thoughts of getting married until and unless your BF is able to grow up and become financially responsible. His father isn't going to be a source of support in teaching your BF financial responsibility so I would stop expecting this of any of them. How they are is their right and their choice. It's one of things you have to accept while deciding for yourself if this financially irresponsible lifestyle is something you want to battle with for each and every day of the rest of your life.

Personally, I would cut my losses and look for a better BF. I understand that he is young, but he is setting up a very unhealthy relationship dynamic where you are the only responsible one of the bunch. I can tell you from firsthand experience that this dynamic is extremely unhealthy and will bring you more misery and pain that you can ever dream possible. It does not limit itself to just the financial aspects of life. Expect that same impulsive irresponsibility to cross over into every facet of life (parenting, fidelity, etc).

The fact is that you should not be teaching your BF anything. You should be seeking a relationship with someone who is your equal and who brings just as much to the table as you do. You should be expecting way more for yourself than to be with someone who is so immaturely impulsive and irresponsible. How he is now is how he will be as a parent (look at how his father is as proof). Is this really what you want to battle for the rest of you life?

 

[dosekies]

I mean I'm not going to break up with him just because we can't agree on this right now... We've been through worse together and as a couple we need to learn how to work through money issues like this. It's life and how being a couple works. We have a dog together too and I have to say since we met in high school, he has gotten 1,000% better with his impulsive irresponsibility. Face it, we're both young. It's kind of inevitable in some aspects to still be a little irresponsible at our age, but it is also obvious that I am the more responsible of us. Also, we're not getting married until we can move out together which will still be a while. I guess I just don't know how to break through when it feels like me and his parents are constantly pulling him in opposite directions...

 

[manning]

oh,oh. Trouble coming until until both of you are on same page.

If you can swing it get an apartment and live together for awhile. Don't accept financial from either parents

 

[dosekies]

oh,oh. Trouble coming until until both of you are on same page.

If you can swing it get an apartment and live together for awhile. Don't accept financial from either parents

Thank you so much for these videos, the second one is great!

 

[Minniesgal]

The thing is when it comes to money and relationships he isn't wrong and you are not right. You amy think your approach is better but he has sent his life with his parents and I assume for all they make financial decisions you don't like it sounds like they manage.

You will not be able to get him to change completely to your point of view you will both need to bend and find a middle ground. Thats what marriage is.

I sense in your writing that you think his way is wrong and yours is right. This is a dangerous way to start a marriage.

 

[dosekies]

The thing is when it comes to money and relationships he isn't wrong and you are not right. You amy think your approach is better but he has sent his life with his parents and I assume for all they make financial decisions you don't like it sounds like they manage.

You will not be able to get him to change completely to your point of view you will both need to bend and find a middle ground. Thats what marriage is.

I sense in your writing that you think his way is wrong and yours is right. This is a dangerous way to start a marriage.

I won't lie, your last statement is exactly how I usually am and exactly how I started when this whole situation started. I am very stubborn and also worry terribly about every detail, especially when it comes to money and our future.

I have gotten a lot better in trying to understand where he is coming from and I have gone with to look at a few vehicles. I see his excitement and I know he has wanted a car like this for a long time, I just look at our financials and know it isn't reasonable. I am not trying to tell him no, I just think that now isn't the right time. I tell him all the time that my views on this would be COMPLETELY different if he didn't already have a motorcycle payment, too...

 

[Westcoastwild]

I mean I'm not going to break up with him just because we can't agree on this right now... We've been through worse together and as a couple we need to learn how to work through money issues like this. It's life and how being a couple works. We have a dog together too and I have to say since we met in high school, he has gotten 1,000% better with his impulsive irresponsibility. Face it, we're both young. It's kind of inevitable in some aspects to still be a little irresponsible at our age, but it is also obvious that I am the more responsible of us. Also, we're not getting married until we can move out together which will still be a while. I guess I just don't know how to break through when it feels like me and his parents are constantly pulling him in opposite directions...

Unless he wants to break through, this isn't going to get better. So I get that you see this as a process, but it might not be a process that is leading to something you'd want.

My parents are the can't take it with you type. And you'd think that the stress of the balancing act would get to them. But if it did, they'd actually look at their finances. I don't agree with the above poster that being bad with money translates into bad parenting or fidelity or whatever. Being bad with money just translates into being bad with money. And that will affect you in the future, especially if you want to live together (I guess I don't quite understand why you AREN'T living together, though. You're 24, lady. The faster you get that guy out of his parents house- and preferably out of your hometown- the easier it will be for him to build good habits).

You might say something like "look, if you want that new car, first sell your motorcycle for enough money to get rid of that bill. Then you've got money to throw towards car payments and upkeep".

That said, you may want to do some soul searching and consider whether he really wants to change. You're never going to feel like you have "enough" money for things like new cars, but he may feel like he wants a new car over home improvement. I would personally rather have an awesome vacation than save up for a rainy day. My guy could say "let's skip vacation for the next 5 years to save money for a house. It's an investment." I'd say- well, I like renting and I'd rather see Japan than have a lawn I have to mow. A house isn't an investment I want to make. That doesn't mean that I'm not committed to the relationship. That would only be a big deal if the house was a deal breaker for my honey. It isn't. It MIGHT be a deal breaker for you. You really need to look at not just his "habits", but his PRIORITIES.

 

[dosekies]

Unless he wants to break through, this isn't going to get better. So I get that you see this as a process, but it might not be a process that is leading to something you'd want.

My parents are the can't take it with you type. And you'd think that the stress of the balancing act would get to them. But if it did, they'd actually look at their finances. I don't agree with the above poster that being bad with money translates into bad parenting or fidelity or whatever. Being bad with money just translates into being bad with money. And that will affect you in the future, especially if you want to live together (I guess I don't quite understand why you AREN'T living together, though. You're 24, lady. The faster you get that guy out of his parents house- and preferably out of your hometown- the easier it will be for him to build good habits).

You might say something like "look, if you want that new car, first sell your motorcycle for enough money to get rid of that bill. Then you've got money to throw towards car payments and upkeep".

That said, you may want to do some soul searching and consider whether he really wants to change. You're never going to feel like you have "enough" money for things like new cars, but he may feel like he wants a new car over home improvement. I would personally rather have an awesome vacation than save up for a rainy day. My guy could say "let's skip vacation for the next 5 years to save money for a house. It's an investment." I'd say- well, I like renting and I'd rather see Japan than have a lawn I have to mow. A house isn't an investment I want to make. That doesn't mean that I'm not committed to the relationship. That would only be a big deal if the house was a deal breaker for my honey. It isn't. It MIGHT be a deal breaker for you. You really need to look at not just his "habits", but his PRIORITIES.

Thank you for this! You wrote that very well and it helped a lot!
Honestly the biggest thing holding us back from moving out is the fact that I'm crazy and feel like I need to pay my loans off to feel secure. I've been trying to pay at least one of them off so that I only have one left over. And also the fact that he really does need a car. Technically we probably could rent a place, but it would mean that I would be paying the minimum on my loans and basically not putting anything into savings each month.

But with this whole problem, it is definitely seeming like it would be worth it!!!

 

[Westcoastwild]

Thank you for this! You wrote that very well and it helped a lot!
Honestly the biggest thing holding us back from moving out is the fact that I'm crazy and feel like I need to pay my loans off to feel secure. I've been trying to pay at least one of them off so that I only have one left over. And also the fact that he really does need a car. Technically we probably could rent a place, but it would mean that I would be paying the minimum on my loans and basically not putting anything into savings each month.

But with this whole problem, it is definitely seeming like it would be worth it!!!

All of that? That's part of being an adult. I mean I know you don't want to hear that. But I think it would help both of you build good habits if you were paying those expenses. Like, in 10 years when your debt is mortgage or health bills or new tires, you aren't going to have the option to either live with the parents. You'll have to make those minimum payments and make do.

The whole point is to learn to live within your means no matter how slim those means are. And I'm not trying to be rude, but neither of you are. Living at home is giving both of you a false sense of having money.

But believe me. I sympathize. The only way I can avoid my parents finances is to live on the other side of the state.

 

[CalDisneyMomof2]

I would consider couple's counseling (as many do before they get married) and moving in together. I personally didn't do counseling (I didn't know it was a thing) but my husband and I lived together for almost 2 years before we got married.

My husband sounds a lot like your fiance. At least he did. I don't believe in that whole concept that people can't change. Absolutely they can. And it might have upsetted A LOT of his family (i.e. his mom and dad) but today they thank me and praise me for actions I took prior to us getting married. I know many couples keep their money separate and to each their own, but in order for our relationship to survive I took complete control of OUR finances. And I don't mean I told him what he can and can't do in a sense but rather would sit him down and say, "We have $xxx.xx in our bank account and have $xxx.xxx in bills. Unfortunately, you will need to save $xx.xx if you want that." I never wanted to act like his mother or keeper of his finances but NO ONE ever taught him! Who was going to? The person he trusted most, of course. And he welcomed it.

Today, (12 years later) he makes financially responsible choices without my chiming in. Most of the time. My only issue now is him making frugal choices. The kids need new cleats? I understand. But paying $35 for something I can find for $25 or less is irresponsible. But his poor spending habits are a thing of the past. No more impulse buys. No more making big decisions without my knowing. We work as a team and our relationship works better that way. I know it doesn't work for all couples but it works for us.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Thank you for this! You wrote that very well and it helped a lot!
Honestly the biggest thing holding us back from moving out is the fact that I'm crazy and feel like I need to pay my loans off to feel secure. I've been trying to pay at least one of them off so that I only have one left over. And also the fact that he really does need a car. Technically we probably could rent a place, but it would mean that I would be paying the minimum on my loans and basically not putting anything into savings each month.

But with this whole problem, it is definitely seeming like it would be worth it!!!

I would not suggest moving in together until you are engaged and/or married. Until you commit that you're willing to deal with his way with money (and it won't drive you nuts), mingling your money and finances further will just end in more pain. Otherwise known as if you can't commit enough to exchange a ring, you probably shouldn't commit to anything together yet. Through my 20s, I watched multiple couples go through the living together as singles step and have to deal with the fallout of broken leases, tied cellphone, joint bank accounts, run up CCs, etc when the break ups happened, and they really had no legal recourse b/c they were never married...if you're on the lease and the other person walks out and you have the money, the landlord won't go after the person with no money, they go after you...

 

[Westcoastwild]

I would not suggest moving in together until you are engaged and/or married. Until you commit that you're willing to deal with his way with money (and it won't drive you nuts), mingling your money and finances further will just end in more pain. Otherwise known as if you can't commit enough to exchange a ring, you probably shouldn't commit to anything together yet. Through my 20s, I watched multiple couples go through the living together as singles step and have to deal with the fallout of broken leases, tied cellphone, joint bank accounts, run up CCs, etc when the break ups happened, and they really had no legal recourse b/c they were never married...if you're on the lease and the other person walks out and you have the money, the landlord won't go after the person with no money, they go after you...

Well, most of that can happen if you're married too, though. The thing about living together before marriage is that it gives you the chance to get out before you get too entangled if the budgeting turns out to be a deal breaker.

Have both names on lease. Landlord should treat you as separate tenants. Have separate cell phone plans. Don't do credit cards. (But OP, you may want to find out about his credit score if you don't know. You may have a lot more to deal with than you know.)

 

[Shanti]

The thing about living together before marriage is that it gives you the chance to get out before you get too entangled if the budgeting turns out to be a deal breaker.

Have both names on lease. Landlord should treat you as separate tenants.

I can't agree with this, although I've liked much of what else you've had to say. "Before you get too entangled"? There is no way to live with your lover for a significant amount of time without getting deeply financially and emotionally entangled. The lack of a wedding ring & marriage certificate doesn't change that. After living together and loving one another for a few years, they won't feel any less heartbroken or betrayed if the other partner cheats or just decides to walk out, than they would if they had been married for a few years.

What it does change is that, after living together unmarried, neither party will have any legal recourse or financial support after a break-up. They will, inevitably, have mixed their financial resources through joint-purchases and bill sharing, one partner helping the other in times of need, and there will be no way to equitize that after the break-up. There is no divorce court for singles to divvy up the goods and resources. They'll each just have to cut their losses and move on.

And in general, landlords don't like split checks any more than restaurants do. Most won't accept the two people sharing the same property to be "separate tenants". I'm a landlord and I certainly wouldn't.

Bottom line: Living together before marriage is not a great idea from a financial perspective.

 

[LadyD]

Just out of curiosity, has your fiancé explained to you why he feels he needs this more expensive car and how he would pay for it given his current financial situation? Has he realistically sat down and made a case for how he can allocate money each month for this new car payment while maintaining his current financial obligations?

Learning to navigate finances together is something hard to do, but it does take compromise on both sides to make it work. While it does sound like you have great spending habits and self control with your finances, sometimes you do need to take a step back and look at the whole picture. Yes, paying down your debts as fast as possible is ideal, but it does need to be balanced against everything else in life as well, including enjoying your life. I'm not saying that your fiancé wanting a 40k car is necessarily reasonable from the financial situation you have described, but there may be a middle ground you're both overlooking where he ends up with a car that is less desirable to him right now (but maybe a little more than you would think reasonable) and a firm plan to save toward the car he really wants.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I can't agree with this, although I've liked much of what else you've had to say. "Before you get too entangled"? There is no way to live with your lover for a significant amount of time without getting deeply financially and emotionally entangled. The lack of a wedding ring & marriage certificate doesn't change that. After living together and loving one another for a few years, they won't feel any less heartbroken or betrayed if the other partner cheats or just decides to walk out, than they would if they had been married for a few years.

What it does change is that, after living together unmarried, neither party will have any legal recourse or financial support after a break-up. They will, inevitably, have mixed their financial resources through joint-purchases and bill sharing, one partner helping the other in times of need, and there will be no way to equitize that after the break-up. There is no divorce court for singles to divvy up the goods and resources. They'll each just have to cut their losses and move on.

And in general, landlords don't like split checks any more than restaurants do. Most won't accept the two people sharing the same property to be "separate tenants". I'm a landlord and I certainly wouldn't.

Bottom line: Living together before marriage is not a great idea from a financial perspective.

I don't think going from their parents' homes to married and living together is a better idea. More like Equally terrible idea.

Ideally, they should live separately as adults before marriage. But I don't think that's a move either of them will make.

And I agree with you on entanglement but there are very different degrees of entanglement. Renting an apartment and only splitting the bills on the actual living situation- keeping all other bills separate- is far, far different than having joint accounts, joint credit cards, joint bills. In my twenties, I had friends who did it both ways. The first group are the smart ones. Maybe the relationship left them an emotional mess but there was no financial consequences. The second group, well, those were the disasters.

Marriage can end in disaster and very little financial recourse at all. You still may lose your house. Your partner can still ruin your credit. Sure, you've got recourse, but that could take years if it helps at all.

(Btw. I have been in roommate situations before that fell apart. My roommates and I all signed separate leases with the landlords. I was not liable for my roommates part of the lease. We would just be forced to accept a new roommate or all move out if one person left. Whoever's name was on the utilities bill was the dangerous part. I've known people to get screwed because they were giving that person money for the utilities bill every month, and that person would skip out, and the others would be screwed.)

 

[QueenIsabella]

He needs to live on his own for a while, for the financial experience. Note that when I say "alone", I don't necessarily mean completely by himself--roommates would be fine. In fact, they would help keep his costs down. But, he needs to live away from Mom and Dad, and not really with you. He needs to start acting like an adult, financially.

 

[LovesTimone]

Do not get married, or live together until you are on the same page with money!!!! Its a recipe for disaster...

If you do..... get ready for alot argument's, about cash... which is one of the most important things that a couple needs to be on the same team about.

Does he have any idea what groceries cost? real groceries not a 12 pack or a bottle of wine, and some snacks. What about the water, light, garbage pick-up, cable/internet, cell phone, rent, cost of everyday life. Maybe take him to look at some apartments and show him the cost, he most likely has really no idea. Have him call around for deposit amount, a lot of time when people start seeing it .... sometimes its eye opening... Suggest if he wants a new truck to sell his bike.

 

[MagicallyMom]

Full disclosure: I've only read about the first 6 comments or so, sorry.

Chiming in to say this was actually a very considerable problem in my marriage for a minute, so you're right you take it seriously. I was the wreckless spender, husband the very strict budgeter.

Now, it would be ideal if I could completely give up the aspects of my personality that make me spend, but it simply isn't true or realistic for most spenders. I did come around, but husband gave a little, too. He had to find a spending limit for me that felt like too much for him but for me felt like I could probably make do with. But most important to our shift towards a workable agreement? I HAD TO BE WILLING.

And I'm not proud of how long that took me, but it needs to be said. If he doesn't hear you yet, he doesn't hear you. Do what you will with that.

Good luck, dear. I'm rooting for you. Partnerships aren't always easy, but they're worth it for the love. Maybe get a counselor? It helped us.