Trying to decide whether to go to my grandmother's funeral. (UPDATE Post 1-not going)

[Barb D]

UPDATE: I let my mom make my decision for me. She doesn't want me to go; she's concerned about how flying will affect me. I'll be staying home, and waiting for the video. I'm also going to look for a way to donate a bookcase or bench or something to our local library in her name. This way I'll have a way to "visit" her without going to Utah. Libraries were close to her heart.



My 98yo grandmother died during the night. It was totally expected; she'd been in hospice for a while and was really ready to go.

The problem is that the funeral is this weekend in Utah, and I'm in Maryland. I've been having horrendous migraines almost daily for 5 MONTHS, and I'm waiting to be scheduled for surgery related to the nerve pain that's triggering the migraines.

I know that if I go to the funeral the stress of the traveling plus the emotions of the funeral are going to wreak absolute havoc. But OTOH, I'm going to have the migraines anyway, so why not just deal with the extra stress and just go?

OTOH, I'd hate to go all that way (using my aunt's frequent flyer miles, offered to all the grandchildren) just to spend the whole time drugged to oblivion in a darkened hotel room.

OTOH... You get what I'm going through here. One minute I'm convinced I should go, the next minute I'm convinced I'd be foolish to consider it. Nobody in the family would "blame" me if I didn't go. OTOH, my grandmother once told me that she was worried that since she's being buried in Utah (next to my father's step-father) that nobody would ever visit her grave. And here I am thinking of not even going to her funeral.

I don't expect anybody to have any answers for me, but if you have any suggestions throw them out there!

 

[grlpwrd]

So sorry for your loss.

OTOH, my grandmother once told me that she was worried that since she's being buried in Utah (next to my father's step-father) that nobody would ever visit her grave. And here I am thinking of not even going to her funeral.

I think you answered your own question in what to do.

Is there a way you could get some medication for the migraines, even if temporary?

 

[Vivianne]

Since your medical condition is a factor, I think I wouldn't go. I would visit her grave once I was well enough. It sounds like you had a good relationship with her and that's what counts.

Of course, it's your decision.

 

[Barb D]

So sorry for your loss.




I think you answered your own question in what to do.

Is there a way you could get some medication for the migraines, even if temporary?

I take (or have tried) every migraine med known to man. One problem is that I've gone through my monthly supply of Imitrex injections already, and unless I can get some free samples from the doctor (she doesn't always have them) I won't have my best med with me.

 

[luv2nascar]

well unfortunately its your grandmother so I think the right thing is to go. But I do sympathize. Sorry for your loss.

 

[Tink's Pixieduster]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my grandmother many years ago. At the time, she was in PA and I was in MT. Her passing had been expected.

When my mother called me to tell me, I was ready to jump on the next plane and fly to the nearest airport to my grandmother's home and then rent a car to get there for the funeral, but my mother said no. She said that Grandma had lived a long and good life and my being there would make no difference to her now; I was there for her, loved her, and stayed in touch with her while she was still with us. Mom also said that having just made a long trip to see Grandma just a month or so before, I should remember that visit and all the other times we had spent together. My mother knew where my heart was and that was more than enough for her. Everyone, and I mean everyone, in my family understood why I was not there.

Besides, Grandma was a worrier. If she had still been here she would have worried herself into her grave about me making that trip. And I wasn't having migraines or waiting for surgery to be scheduled.

I think under the circumstances you could give yourself a pass. But perhaps when warmer weather returns and maybe your migraines have improved you could plan a trip out there to visit her grave. Also, you could talk with whichever of your parents was the child of your Grandmother and they may give you a little more moral support to help you make the right decision, just as my Mom did for me. Just don't beat yourself up if you decide not to go. There are many ways to honor the memory of your grandmother and going to her funeral is only one of them.

 

[daisyduck123]

I would go.
There will be other guests there who aren't in perfect health either.
You will be glad you went.

 

[mommasita]

I can not say what I would do. I would like to think I would go, but I am not in your shoes, or in your pain.

I am sorry on your loss..

 

[Mickey&Donald]

I can't tell you what to do -- but I think I'd go. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I skipped a close family member's funeral.

 

[4nana]

I'm sorry for your loss, but seriously, perhaps cut yourself some slack this time. Altho I can't imagine having missed either of my dear Gmother's funerals, in your case, she most of all would understand. I sincerely advise you to please speak with your dr.

I was a migraine sufferer for years and simply don't think it is safe to fly if having vascular problems daily. I'm no dr, but know enough that altitude and serious daily migraine headaches do not mix well.

Off the topic, but we went flew to Colorado for TG, the week after DH had his cataract eye surgery and he most definitely had eye pressure probems while there. The dr thinks it was realated to flight altitude and Colorado elevation. So please, definitley speak to your dr.

 

[Planogirl]

Consider how you would feel later if you don't go. That may provide you the answer.

Of course, that is if it's safe for you to go to begin with. If it's not, that's another thing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wouldn't go but then again I would not be able to function with a migraine. So personally I couldn't do it.

Decide if you can handle it medically. Try and beg your doc for samples, do whatever you think you could do to be able to make it.

If you know you cannot, it is OK if you don't go.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[bumbershoot]

I didn't go to the funeral of either of my grandmothers. First one I wasn't really informed of where and when, and didn't have the $$ anyway. Second one it just wasn't anything that was needed. I loved her and missed her and mourned her, but in our family funerals aren't that big a deal.

In a very large way I wish I hadn't even gone to my mother's funeral; I know she wouldn't have cared a bit, and it was a nightmare (planned by my stepdad with vastly different beliefs than I have, and a pastor who met my mom once and had rather different beliefs even than she did).

Funerals just aren't that big a deal for my family. Since you said no one would blame you for not going, if you don't feel it would be healthy for you, sounds like you could miss it.

Your grandmother was concerned that no one would visit her grave...did she say anything about her funeral?

 

[gottaluvPluto]

I did not go to my grandparents funeral and either did my husband. We just could not afford it. My BIL died last year and my husband did not go to that funeral. DH was upset about it, but he could not get the time off from work and he needs the job. Anyway, we looked at it like this. Dear BIL will not be at the funeral, It's mostly for the grieving family. We spent time with the BIL and enjoy many memories with him. We hold on to those memories and talk about him often.

Maybe you can attend the funeral on a cell phone. I know a lot of people that couldn't make funerals go this route. They actually felt like they were there.

Remember, you have to do what is right for you and your health.

 

[Barb D]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I still haven't decided what to do.

One thing I've thought of is that the last time I visited her I had migraines and nausea the whole time I was there, and yet I do have some good memories of that trip. And my brother, sister, parents, aunt, uncle, etc will be there.

OTOH, I won't be able to drive, so if I do need to be taken back to the hotel or whatever someone else will have to take time away to do it.

OTOH...

I will call my neurologist tomorrow and see what she thinks.

 

[Barb D]

Your grandmother was concerned that no one would visit her grave...did she say anything about her funeral?

I don't think it ever OCCURRED to her that someone might miss her funeral. She was very big on propriety.

And honestly, I have no particular reason to go to Utah. If I'm ever going to go, I'd rather go when the rest of the family is there, too.

 

[marydmjj]

What would she say if you could tell her your dilemna? I'm guessing she would probably say "honey, you need to stay home and take care of yourself".

I think funerals are more for the people remaining rather than for the person that has passed on. I say stay home and get well.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

Funerals are for the living. If you are at peace with your relationship with your Grandma, knowing she lived a long full life, and don't need "closure", then there is no reason to go. If you have family members that specifically need your suppport, let them know you are there for them and they can call any time. I'm sure that your Grandmother would want you to take care of yourself and be healthy!

My DH was in this position just before Christmas when his 98.5 y.o. Grandma passed. He did not have a medical condition. It just was very difficult to get to the funeral. He didn't go, despite some family tossing out the guilt trips. Thank goodness he doesn't fall for those anymore. His family is very melodramatic and acted like her death was a tragedy, when she had been trying to "let go" for months. She verballized her desire to die, despite being relatively healthy. her DH had been gone 16 years already. Of course, it was a loss that needs to be grieved but was not a "tragedy".

Take care of yourself and be with your family when you can feel good and enjoy them.

 

[Beth76]

I will call my neurologist tomorrow and see what she thinks.

I think that's the first thing you need to do. Hopefully, he/she will give you a good definitive answer.

If you decide not to go, is there a way that someone could bring a cell phone so that you could listen to the service. Or even videotape the service so you can watch it later?

I really think your health needs to be put above a funeral. If you were visiting your grandmother before she died, that would be a different story.

As far as visiting the grave. I've never visited the grave of my grandparents. But I still think of them.

I'm very sorry for you loss and I hope you are comfortable with whatever decision you make.