Trip to WDW--In-laws won't take no for an answer!

[gonesaleing]

'No can take advantage of you without your express permission' Eleanor Roosevelt.

You post is just venting, right? Cause you sound like you have everything well in hand. They asked, you said no, they asked, you said no, they asked you said no... just keep saying no and they will get the idea eventually.

If, on the other hand, you are looking to change these people, then you will be disappointed.

If you want corrobation that you are in the right, that these people you call family are being manipulative and underhanded and passive aggressive, you've got it.

Lastly, take heart that everyone has this kind of family in some fashion. My friends and I have a joke of who wears the crown of having the 'worst sister-in-law in the world'. Right now it's me, for more reasons that I can write about here.

 

[cm8]

I apologize if this is long, but some background info is necessary.

My in-laws are in interesting bunch and it's taken me 9 years to not let them get to me anymore. DH has 4 younger sisters, 3 of which are single moms, never married. For 2 of the sisters the dads are not in the picture and never have been. My MIL feels responsible for those grandkids because they don't have another family to dote on them and send them presents for b-days or Christmas.

DH's family is very codependent and have no boundaries or limits. They get involved in every aspect of each other's lives and accuse us of not caring about them because we don't do the same. We avoid their drama as much as possible. The 3 single moms expect the rest of the family to take care of their kids and look out for them because they don't have husbands. They especially expect that of DH and I because we're married, stable and have an income that allows us to save for extras, like trips to WDW.

In September we are going to WDW with my family to celebrate my parents' 40th anniversary. The trip was initiated by my parents because the only celebration they want is to spend Halloween at WDW with all 6 of their grandkids. DD7 and DS4 are staying with my parents and their cousins at SSR, while DH and I are staying at POFQ. DH and I will do some things with everyone else, but we have also scheduled some alone time and activities for just the 2 of us. Fine with my parents, they want the grandkids to themselves! DH and I are looking forward to this.

Since they found out, 2 of DH's sisters have been after us to bring their kids with us, a nephew age 14 and niece age 11. Out of the question and we've explained why. This isn't our family trip, it's one with my parents. SisIL see it differently, they say it's an opportunity for DH and I to spend some alone time with our niece and nephew who we hardly ever see b/c they're in MI and we're in TX and why wouldn't we want to do that? Don't we love our niece and nephew?

Last week, my MIL called, trying to convince DH to change his mind. She really tried to lay on the guilt, but DH didn't bite. In the past he would have, but he's gotten really good at setting boundaries with his family and not feeling bad or responsible for their reactions. But this was expected, as our nephew is the "golden child," can do no wrong and everyone is expected to and does bend over backwards for him. Niece's mom tried to arrange a trip in April, but didn't have the money, so she figured her daughter could go with us in September. Didn't even ask, just assumed. MIL wouldn't let it go, wouldn't take no for an answer, so DH told her he was done talking about it and basically hung up on her. She has emailed me, trying to appeal to my "mom side" and even tried to use my own words of why WDW's so great against me to plead a case for the niece and nephew. I answered her back with a polite and simple no.

Last night I talked to my mom and learned that my MIL called my mom to try to convince her! Up until this, I wasn't really phased by what my in-laws were doing, I half expected it. Daily emails, weekly phone calls, trying to put on the pressure and guilt. But now I'm infuriated that my MIL actually called my mom, trying to get niece and nephew included! My mom and I have worked hard to make this trip special and we're doing some extra things that we normally don't do. This trip is about my family and my parents, and it's very important to my parents to have this time with their grandchildren. My mom was upset and confused and did not appreciate being put on the spot like that. My mom was blunt and straightforward and said that this was a trip for them and that they decide who comes on it. That's my mom.

Now I'm really PO'd at all of them. This morning I got another email from the sisters and a phone call from my MIL. The sisters' emails now get sent directly to junk mail and I didn't answer the phone. DH is furious, too, because this time MIL went way too far. She went after my mom!

Sorry this is so long, I needed to vent in the worst way and my best friend is at work and can't talk!

I'm not sure what to do now since NOTHING is getting through to the in-laws. Do we just cut communication with them? We have a trip to MI (where they all are) this summer and plan to see the in-laws for 1 day of our 27 day trip. Do we cancel the plans to see them? I know it won't matter what we say ahead of time about this topic being off-limits, they'll bring it up in their passive-aggressive ways or use our kids to change our minds.

I'm just so mad because this Disney trip is about my parents and now my in-laws are trying to make it all about them!

That is downright rude and very disrespectful. I would let them know that they have crossed the line and that you will no longer communicate with them.

 

[damaris13]

My MIL was very forward and often forceful and demanding (for reasons I won't go into here) up until about 4 years ago when DH and I both said enough is enough. We stopped calling and emailing them. If they called us and we weren't busy, we would possibly take the call, but more often than not, we ignored them. No visits or anything. This went on for at least a year. For the most part, since then, things have been better. Occasionally MIL will drop the hint that she wants something (which means DH is supposed to get it for her), but we just ignore her.

My own mother wasn't as needy, but she could also be very rude to DH. I finally had to sit her down and tell her that if she wanted to be a part of our lives, she would have to stop treating him the way she did. Occasionally (especially those days she's had caffeine or any little bit to drink), she'll get snippy, but for the most part it's been good since then.

You have to both mean it and want it. She won't change 100%, but she has to know that if she wants to be any part of your lives, she can't try to force you to do something you don't want to do. When you say no, you mean no. And you cannot back down. If you give them an inch, they'll run you across the country. It's just the way it goes, unfortunately.

I hope everything works out. Don't let anything they do ruin your time at one of the happiest places on this earth!

 

[kinggartk]

Go ahead and visit your in-laws this summer, but inform them in advance that the first time they bring up the disney trip, you will pack the car and leave immediately....no questions asked.

In the mean time, why not try to plan a seperate Disney trip to include the nephews and neices. Just don't accept that you are going to give them a free ride. Expect the Moms and Grandma to pitch in a little to help defray the costs. If they are not willing, you have at least tried.

 

[brookmey]

Also, I would suggest calling Walt Disney Travel and ask if they can annotate your reservations, especially the dining reservations, to not talk to anyone who claims to be you unless they can provide the specific reservation confirmation number.

Thank you for this suggestion, I think I may do this just to be on the safe side. I don't think my MIL or SIL would get involved in this way, but yet I never in a million years thought MIL would call my mom about this!

I totally agree with this comment...especially the part about talking to WDW about what is needed to allow changes to your ressies. Your MIL might be devious enough to make a few changes: Like add 2 more persons to you and DH’s room. She has made it more than obvious that she does not or will not take a hint so a little protection might not hurt. Also don’t be surprised if a certain niece and nephew were to make a “surprise” visit about the time you and your family leave for the trip. Your obviously not going to get boundaries from your In-laws so you going to have to go for self-preservation and self-protection. I recommend a moat…

You stated that FIL was not involved in this…you might want to talk to him about this and see if he might can help stop it on that end. Maybe he can help stop to onslaught you and DH might be in for on your visit.

FIL and MIL are divorced and he has no influence on her or his daughters. He's staying out of it.

No one knows where DH and I are staying. And, I'm a travel agent, so our reservation can only be changed by the agent who made it, me. The moms have no money for airfare or anything else, which is a big part of why they expect us to take their kids. They want their kids to have what everyone else has, so they expect the rest of the family to provide that. Plus, we live in TX and the in-laws are in MI, so the moms would have to put their kids on flights alone, which I highly doubt they would do. I think that's partly why MIL called my mom, who is also in MI. I think she was hoping my mom would agree and let the kids fly down with my parents.

'No can take advantage of you without your express permission' Eleanor Roosevelt.

You post is just venting, right? Cause you sound like you have everything well in hand. They asked, you said no, they asked, you said no, they asked you said no... just keep saying no and they will get the idea eventually.

If, on the other hand, you are looking to change these people, then you will be disappointed.

If you want corrobation that you are in the right, that these people you call family are being manipulative and underhanded and passive aggressive, you've got it.

Lastly, take heart that everyone has this kind of family in some fashion. My friends and I have a joke of who wears the crown of having the 'worst sister-in-law in the world'. Right now it's me, for more reasons that I can write about here.

Yes, just venting. I tried for years to get these people to be reasonable, but have finally accepted that they're not. I don't expect any of them to change, it's just this time MIL went farther than I thought she was capable of!

I have learned to live by this rule of thumb: Everyone's a little crazy in their own way and every family has their own quirks that may not make sense to those outside the family. So there's the normal crazy we all have and then there are those who take crazy to a whole new level, which is what my in-laws are. This situation is just 1 in a very long list of BS that DH and I have had to deal with. They're the main reason we packed up and moved to TX from MI 3 years ago. They're that bad.

There is some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one out there who has to navigate around ridiculous situations with family!

 

[BLTtinkerbell]

Best Wishes for a wonderful trip to WDW! Do the best you can to ignore your rude inlaws.

 

[Crystal824]

Good luck. I too have a pushy MIL who can't take no for an answer. She has gotten better recently, but we had a time of it for awhile. Have a great trip.

 

[manning]

You know the saying "It takes two to tango". Everytime you respond you are tangoing.

When you see them everytime they bring up the subject don't say anything about it, change the subject.

I did this to my MIL once and it stopped her cold. She didn't know how to handle it. I only made one comment. "One sided conversations don't last long, eventually you will run out of anything to say about it." Then I walked away.

Also play poker. Don't show any emotions/reactions. IT WILL DRIVE HER NUTS!!

 

[sbtrfly74]

If you still plan to go visit this summer, may want to check the trunk before you leave

 

[jdb in AZ]

If you still plan to go visit this summer, may want to check the trunk before you leave

 

[LockShockBarrel]

You could always throw "Well there's a bunch of people online that think you're a big ol " into conversation

 

[indianabrit]

Go ahead and visit your in-laws this summer, but inform them in advance that the first time they bring up the disney trip, you will pack the car and leave immediately....no questions asked.

In the mean time, why not try to plan a separate Disney trip to include the nephews and nieces. Just don't accept that you are going to give them a free ride. Expect the Moms and Grandma to pitch in a little to help defray the costs. If they are not willing, you have at least tried.

First, GO TEXAS!

Second: I agree with the poster above on both points. No means no! You should still make an attempt to visit the in-laws during the summer, but on the terms that there will be NO DISNEY TALK.

I also agree that you should talk to your sisters in law and try to plan a separate Disney trip on the condition that they pay their own way or part of the way. I know how it feels to be young-ish and see my cousins go on vacations without me because I didn't have enough money. I had a long story associated with it, but I'll spare you.

 

[brookmey]

If you still plan to go visit this summer, may want to check the trunk before you leave

You could always throw "Well there's a bunch of people online that think you're a big ol " into conversation

 

[MikeP22]

Just out of curiosity, if the situation were different (meaning not a family trip for your family), would you at all be willing take these nieces or nephews (without their parents)?

It sounds like the problem is with the MIL/SILs; as I think you said, I can't imagine you wanting to even try to spend time with them at WDW. But if the above is the case, you could always plan a later trip to bring the kids along (and not the in-laws).

At least, that's how I think I might handle it.

 

[LockShockBarrel]

I may be overstepping here, but I think the issue for the OP is that even if she was willing to take the niece and nephew, it's that it's demanded, begged, guilted, coerced and expected of her and her family to include them.


I may further be overstepping by saying taking niece and nephew during a seperate time would be a bad idea because there's all other issues that could be brought up then. "Oh well you can take the kids but aren't willing to take their only mother/grandmother/aunt too?" "This trip is for my kids, you should let them decide everything, you and your kids have already gone" etc etc etc etc. This is only my opinion, but from what the OP has already said, I don't think this is that far of a stretch.

 

[mkwj]

It always amazes me what some people try to do and say. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. How will this affect the neice and nephew in this situation? They probably know what their mom and grandma is up too. Your MIL is only hurting them. It is good that you and your husband are sticking with your plan.

 

[brookmey]

Just out of curiosity, if the situation were different (meaning not a family trip for your family), would you at all be willing take these nieces or nephews (without their parents)?

It sounds like the problem is with the MIL/SILs; as I think you said, I can't imagine you wanting to even try to spend time with them at WDW. But if the above is the case, you could always plan a later trip to bring the kids along (and not the in-laws).

At least, that's how I think I might handle it.

DH and I tried to include niece and nephew 5 years ago. We were taking DD who was 2 before DS was born. We didn't have to pay for DD, so it seemed like a good time to take 2 more kids. We planned on paying for everything and not asking DH's sisters to pitch in at all. A couple of weeks before we were going to ask the sisters, the tie rod (sp?) on DH's truck broke and a few days later the transmission blew in my car. So, we no longer had the money to pay for everything. We could, though, pay for airfare and food if the sisters could cover park tickets and souvenir money. We changed from 3 day PH to 2 day no park hopping to make it cheaper. Since we hadn't said a thing to the sisters so far, we felt comfortable with that and they would never have to know we were planning on paying for everything.

Sisters did not handle it well. They both got defensive about contributing and felt that since we were inviting the kids, and because we were family, we were wrong to ask them to pay some. They took it very personally and were so offended that we would ask that because family helps each other out without expecting anything in return.

It was a nightmare dealing with that, so we've never brought it up again and never will. Niece and nephew are 11 and 14 now and unfortunately have developed the same attitude of entitlement their moms have, so even if we had the money, we wouldn't do it. It's such a shame because they were both sweet and funny kids, but they've learned that the world owes you, family owes you and that people are meant to be used and manipulated to get what you want. It's really sad.

According to one of DH's other sisters (she's pretty normal) niece and nephew don't even want to go because, in my SIL's words, "they're too cool for Disney."

I may be overstepping here, but I think the issue for the OP is that even if she was willing to take the niece and nephew, it's that it's demanded, begged, guilted, coerced and expected of her and her family to include them.


I may further be overstepping by saying taking niece and nephew during a seperate time would be a bad idea because there's all other issues that could be brought up then. "Oh well you can take the kids but aren't willing to take their only mother/grandmother/aunt too?" "This trip is for my kids, you should let them decide everything, you and your kids have already gone" etc etc etc etc. This is only my opinion, but from what the OP has already said, I don't think this is that far of a stretch.

Have you met my in-laws? What you're saying is exactly it. We're never asked nicely, only expected.

 

[MikeP22]

Wow, it's funny that they seem to think that them paying part of their kid's way is them giving you something in return.

I definitely disagree with the people who say you should never speak to them again if they keep up with this business. While it's definitely difficult to deal with family members who behave this way, excommunication is IMO not something to be done with family except in the most extreme of situations... but I would definitely simply keep them at arm's length from now on.

We had a similar situation this past September... We brought our 12yo niece (along with our 2.75yo daughter who is our niece's shadow), and one of my wife's aunts got all bent out of shape with my MIL (who is our niece's legal guardian) because she didn't think we should bring her because she's not a blood relative (and thus technically not our niece*). While I wasn't privy to the conversation, I think that the implication was that we should be bringing her kids instead (who are obviously blood relatives of my wife), never mind the fact that they were 17 and 20 years old.

As an aside, I was considering asking the 20yo cousin if he wanted to come along as I have my own friendly relationship (on his dime though, he's an adult), but didn't because it was the first week of the semester for him.

* she's my wife's stepsister's daughter; my wife was in the delivery room when she was born and was second to my MIL as the girl's primary caregiver for the first few years of her life. I've known her since she was 1yo and have been close with her since. She's spent more time with us than anyone save my MIL and her own mother once she was in a better position to be a parent... Saying she's not our niece is like saying water isn't wet.

 

[MikeP22]

Wow, it's funny that they seem to think that them paying part of their kid's way is them giving you something in return.

I definitely disagree with the people who say you should never speak to them again if they keep up with this business. While it's definitely difficult to deal with family members who behave this way, excommunication is IMO not something to be done with family except in the most extreme of situations... but I would definitely just keep them at arm's length from now on.

 

[princessdawn2011]

All this in-law non-sense! Isn't it amazing how everyone has 2 cents to talk about, but not to throw into the pot!?

Of course it's always about $ one way or the other. Some people don't realize we work hard to take care of ourselves, especially in the current financial climate.

OP-sorry for your hassle, but how fortunate for you that DH agrees & helps w/ a united front! That is wonderful!

As for all others with similar past experiences, glad to see all spouses shared same views.

Hope you are able to enjoy your wonderful vacation despite the bully-ing!