Toxic friendships and people telling you who they really are….

[Once.Upon.A.Time]

Dear some advice from my people here. I have a family friend who has been in my life for over 10 years now. She’s older than me and would always tell me she considered me another daughter. Yesterday she did something that I find somewhat unforgivable and I honestly have had enough of her BS. She plays sides, is overall fake, and uses people as her therapist. Anyway, cut to the chase, I still feel bad about it. How did you guys deal with friendships that ended? She was at my mother’s funeral, we were involved in each other’s lives and family. I know I’m better off, but it still feels like a knife in the back. I did tell her how I feel, she did say sorry, but she’s a toxic person. Do you feel better that things have ended with certain people? Better to tell them how you feel?

Thanks so much and looking forward to your stories!

 

[LuvOrlando]

That's awful and very sad, shame it happened. I've had relationships end and I guess the best way to see it came from a cool quote I remind myself of from time to time:

When it's over leave, don't continue watering a dead flower.

 

[fla4fun]

Sometimes even when someone apologizes and you accept the apology there is just no way to save the friendship going forward. It will hit you in all the emotions, anger, sadness, even to the point of going through a grieving process for the friendship you thought you had. However, if what happened has crossed a line that affects you in a negative way, you should not feel bad about dropping the friendship.

Do you have other friends you can socialize with? Focusing on the positive people in your life will help put this in perspective as you move on.

So sorry this happened to you. It’s never pleasant to find out that someone you thought was a good friend isn’t really a friend at all.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

So much depends on what the actual transgression(s) is/are. Most especially if you're (general you're) talking about the last straw.

As a random thing using people as a therapist in itself isn't toxic. Some people enjoy being the sounding board to others and find it is part of their friendship for them. But it can easily stray into an emotional burden to someone overwhelming them if they take on everyone's problems and can be a feature to someone in which you feel they always complain but don't work to adjust things. But most often (IMO) people get tired of the usage of friends as a therapist for lack of a better description because it was a one-sided transactional feel in which the complainant was never interested in reciprocity thus never really wanting to hear nor give their own support to other of their friends and their issues that come up over time so you end up feeling used.

The majority of friends in which we aren't really actually talking actively have faded away in a more gentle manner even if there was toxicity and "I'm just over it". There was only 1 friend who I can say it went out with a bang and that was a friend who was like that fast friend meaning you became such fast friends but it wasn't really that deep friendship in comparison to ones I had had the years prior. That one it was after she insisted (amongst other things she had gone back on) to get clothes she had given me (free and clear meaning they were not a borrow situation) and when I laid them out in a bag and told her to come get them they sat there for 3 days without her getting them so I brought them back inside blocked her on social media and blocked her phone number and that was that.

 

[Once.Upon.A.Time]

That's awful and very sad, shame it happened. I've had relationships end and I guess the best way to see it came from a cool quote I remind myself of from time to time:

When it's over leave, don't continue watering a dead flower.

Thank you for that quote. Definitely going to keep that in mind!

 

[Once.Upon.A.Time]

Sometimes even when someone apologizes and you accept the apology there is just no way to save the friendship going forward. It will hit you in all the emotions, anger, sadness, even to the point of going through a grieving process for the friendship you thought you had. However, if what happened has crossed a line that affects you in a negative way, you should not feel bad about dropping the friendship.

Do you have other friends you can socialize with? Focusing on the positive people in your life will help put this in perspective as you move on.

So sorry this happened to you. It’s never pleasant to find out that someone you thought was a good friend isn’t really a friend at all.

Yes. Thankfully I have good people in my life. Thank you so much

 

[Once.Upon.A.Time]

So much depends on what the actual transgression(s) is/are. Most especially if you're (general you're) talking about the last straw.

As a random thing using people as a therapist in itself isn't toxic. Some people enjoy being the sounding board to others and find it is part of their friendship for them. But it can easily stray into an emotional burden to someone overwhelming them if they take on everyone's problems and can be a feature to someone in which you feel they always complain but don't work to adjust things. But most often (IMO) people get tired of the usage of friends as a therapist for lack of a better description because it was a one-sided transactional feel in which the complainant was never interested in reciprocity thus never really wanting to hear nor give their own support to other of their friends and their issues that come up over time so you end up feeling used.

The majority of friends in which we aren't really actually talking actively have faded away in a more gentle manner even if there was toxicity and "I'm just over it". There was only 1 friend who I can say it went out with a bang and that was a friend who was like that fast friend meaning you became such fast friends but it wasn't really that deep friendship in comparison to ones I had had the years prior. That one it was after she insisted (amongst other things she had gone back on) to get clothes she had given me (free and clear meaning they were not a borrow situation) and when I laid them out in a bag and told her to come get them they sat there for 3 days without her getting them so I brought them back inside blocked her on social media and blocked her phone number and that was that.

That’s exactly how I feel about this person. She complains, but does nothing. I think she thrives off of drama

 

[flyingdumbo127]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I recently had an experience where someone I truly thought was a close friend turned out not to be. I pray to wish that person peace and do my best to move on. Definitely not easy and of course it hurts. Hug to you. We care.

 

[gottalovepluto]

You move on. There is literally nothing else you can do. If you have trouble moving on yet are certain they are bad for you look for some therapy. You can get therapy for a short time for a specific issue. You’ve terminated a long term relationship, your world is going to be shaken for a while.

 

[mylilnikita]

It’s like a death in a way: you can go through the same process for grieving that relationship.

 

[Once.Upon.A.Time]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I recently had an experience where someone I truly thought was a close friend turned out not to be. I pray to wish that person peace and do my best to move on. Definitely not easy and of course it hurts. Hug to you. We care.

Thank you so much!

 

[Once.Upon.A.Time]

You move on. There is literally nothing else you can do. If you have trouble moving on yet are certain they are bad for you look for some therapy. You can get therapy for a short time for a specific issue. You’ve terminated a long term relationship, your world is going to be shaken for a while.

Thank you so much. I do have a theorist for a few years now, she told me to go do something special for myself, so I’m going to do my nails today. You couldn’t be more right.

 

[Once.Upon.A.Time]

It’s like a death in a way: you can go through the same process for grieving that relationship.

Thank you. It does feel like that in a way.

 

[slo]

I’m sorry that this happened to you
I had a toxic friend in my life once that I had to remove for my own well being. She did not apologize to me for what she did, but she told her dad how she knows she did wrong (this was in 2010). He came to me asking me to give her another chance and I said no way. Every day that went by without an apology made me know I made the right decision. She doesn’t have many friends and it’s because she is the way she is. She’s very successful because she’s cut throat to get what she wants, but doesn’t know when to stop. Sadly, my throat was one of them. I was sad when the friendship ended, it was a breakup, but time heals most wounds and I have no regret about removing her from my life.

 

[Miffy]

OP, I undertand completely. I had a super toxic friend that I broke off the friendship with because I just couldn't take it anymore. Then, a few years ago, we got back together and it was okay for a while until it wasn't. Nothing had really changed. She was the same toxic, negative, miserable person she'd always been so I slowly backed away from the friendship. Finally, she ended things with me--and I was relieved.

Meanwhile, I have another very close friend who just recently ghosted me and I have no idea why. So, in answer to the question of whether it's better to tell someone how you feel, the answer is maybe.

I'd love to know why this other person ghosted me, but, otoh, the friend in paragraph #1 said very very nasty things to me when she dropped our friendship, so I would rather not have known!

 

[hardcorestitch]

Wow. Terrible situation. It’s like Rodrick Heffley all over again.

Yeah, you need to end your relationship with the person treating you bad. It’s only going to get worse from here.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Dear some advice from my people here. I have a family friend who has been in my life for over 10 years now. She’s older than me and would always tell me she considered me another daughter. Yesterday she did something that I find somewhat unforgivable and I honestly have had enough of her BS. She plays sides, is overall fake, and uses people as her therapist. Anyway, cut to the chase, I still feel bad about it. How did you guys deal with friendships that ended? She was at my mother’s funeral, we were involved in each other’s lives and family. I know I’m better off, but it still feels like a knife in the back. I did tell her how I feel, she did say sorry, but she’s a toxic person. Do you feel better that things have ended with certain people? Better to tell them how you feel?

Thanks so much and looking forward to your stories!

It seems like your hurt is still fresh. Time and more time needs to pass before you will feel if there's a next step. But if she is toxic, then stepping away is OK!!!

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Dear some advice from my people here. I have a family friend who has been in my life for over 10 years now. She’s older than me and would always tell me she considered me another daughter. Yesterday she did something that I find somewhat unforgivable and I honestly have had enough of her BS. She plays sides, is overall fake, and uses people as her therapist. Anyway, cut to the chase, I still feel bad about it. How did you guys deal with friendships that ended? She was at my mother’s funeral, we were involved in each other’s lives and family. I know I’m better off, but it still feels like a knife in the back. I did tell her how I feel, she did say sorry, but she’s a toxic person. Do you feel better that things have ended with certain people? Better to tell them how you feel?

Thanks so much and looking forward to your stories!

It seems like your hurt is still fresh. Time and more time needs to pass before you will feel if there's a next step. But if she is toxic, then stepping away is OK!!!

 

[Once.Upon.A.Time]

Thank you all for your replies. You guys are amazing It definitely is still fresh. I’m starting to feel like I made the right decision is telling her how I felt. I think time is definitely what I need too!