There's Wedding Etiquette For a Reason

[theycallmered]

Hubby and I were recently invited to his cousin's wedding. We've decided that due to the fact we are trying to save money that we would not attend the wedding due to the distance we would have to travel (MN to Western border of IL/IA) and other expenses. However we are of course planning on giving a gift, but it seems that the bride and the groom are trying to make this impossible.

First off there was no response card, so I hope they are not planning on us coming.

Secondly, there was no return address on anything. Not on the envelope, not on anything inside. Nothing.

They are not registared anywhere so we have no idea what to get them besides money.

But again, where to send it.

I guess we could send the gift to the aunt and uncle/parent's of the groom. But doing that annoys me just on principle.

Why should I have to play detective in order to give a gift.

I just want this to be an easy gift giving exercise not an exercise as to how well I can guess what they are expecting.

Brahg!! I just want to give a gift. This should not be that hard!

 

[__disneygirl]

That's so strange. I've never heard of not having a response card. Maybe try calling the aunt and uncle for their address? But you are right, you shouldn't have to play detective to give a gift.

 

[tar heel]

Not putting an address on anything is just not smart -- where in the world do you send the gift?

Not enclosing response cards, however, is not bad manners. When I got married almost 25 years ago, response cards were just starting to become in vogue. I decided not to use them b/c Emily Post was against them, and I was afraid my in-laws very proper friends would think I was tacky. My how things change.

And I did receive several handwritten formal responses, just as Emily recommended.

 

[theycallmered]

Not putting an address on anything is just not smart -- where in the world do you send the gift?

And I did receive several handwritten formal responses, just as Emily recommended.

Too bad I will not even be able to do that because there is no return address.

 

[debbi801]

Not putting an address on anything is just not smart -- where in the world do you send the gift?

Not enclosing response cards, however, is not bad manners. When I got married almost 25 years ago, response cards were just starting to become in vogue. I decided not to use them b/c Emily Post was against them, and I was afraid my in-laws very proper friends would think I was tacky. My how things change.

And I did receive several handwritten formal responses, just as Emily recommended.

When my ex-h and I got married many moons ago, his family forbid me to include response cards. Their hoity toity friends and family members would be insulted at my crassness. So, I didn't include them. And I got a lot of phone calls from people asking me how they were supposed to respond.

I swear though, I think I can write out that response by memory. Including the correct words on each line.

I am so glad that when I got remarried and when my son became a Bar Mitzvah, I was able to send out response cards. It makes things SO much easier.

 

[kdudley3]

I also agree.

If they were doing a head count, they would need to send response cards.

I wouldn't bother going any farther. I wouldn't even send a gift.

I follow etiquette but find out that SO many other people don't and I 'm getting tired of it.

If you decide to still send a gift, then I'd call the parents and get an address.

Might I ask the ages of the bride and groom? I know that my mom helped me so I might have forgotten some things unless she guided (or took over the whole wedding ) me.

But...No response cards ??????

 

[salmoneous]

One of our goofs with our wedding was the invitations. While it's not exactly the same situation as yours, I'm sympathetic. We did have response cards but didn't have our addresses or full names anywhere on the invitation (the response cards went to an aunt). If you didn't know who we were by our first names you would be very confused ("Honey, do you know anybody named Johnnie and Suzy that are getting married").

Stupid, and a pain for the invitees, but sometimes things just happen. With 100 details in a wedding, mistakes are going to be made.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I am amazed they didn't use a return address. If they addressed ay incorrectly, they will never know.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

wow! that's just wierd!!!

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I did send out response cards and found myself quite lucky to only get 20% back!! so many people think i'm a mind reader!!

 

[theycallmered]

I also agree.

If they were doing a head count, they would need to send response cards.

I wouldn't bother going any farther. I wouldn't even send a gift.

I follow etiquette but find out that SO many other people don't and I 'm getting tired of it.

If you decide to still send a gift, then I'd call the parents and get an address.

Might I ask the ages of the bride and groom? I know that my mom helped me so I might have forgotten some things unless she guided (or took over the whole wedding ) me.

But...No response cards ??????

The bride and the groom are young-ish. I think around 21.

 

[MrsToad]

Giving them the benefit of the doubt, maybe there was just human error and your invitation was somehow missed when adding the response cards? You never know. I'm trying to remember the last few invites we received...I think some did come without the return address on the outside; gifts were mailed to the addresses on the response card envelopes.

If it were me, I would just make one call to a family member to ask.

 

[Beth76]

This is a cousin getting married. I would imagine it wouldn't be very difficult to get their address. Send a check or a gift with a gift receipt since they don't seem to be registered. Along with a card expressing your regret for being unable to attend.

 

[theycallmered]

It's actually a second cousin of my husband.

But again, it irks me that I have to play detective to give a gift.

 

[barkley]

well we were in the same boat with the last wedding invite we got-but it was a mass email that included a link to some wedding site where you could 'view' an invitation and then rsvp by going to another link. the site also had tons of info. on where the b/g were registered and for what but no indication of what items had already been purchased and where to send them too (i even called a couple of the stores and they had no address info. for the couple).

i think someone may have pointed out to the couple that not everyone (and esp. their elderly family members/friends of the family) has a computer so they would not be notified via this route. we ended up right before the wedding getting what appeared to be a very quickly thrown together invitation that offered no rsvp mechanism-so no addresses- BUT did list all the stores they were registered at.

 

[disykat]

I think you are assuming they are having a huge wedding with lots of people they barely know. Perhaps they are having a small reception and need no response. Not everyone has catered affairs that require a headcount.

I think not having a return address on the card is a definate oversight, but I still don't get the big deal. Maybe they are having a small wedding and are not inviting anyone who wouldn't know how to get a gift to them.

No registry? I don't see the problem. Give them whatever you want to give them. If you don't want to select something, then give them some cash or a gift card.

I'm coming from their side I guess. While I did put a return address on the invitations, I really didn't invite anyone who wouldn't know where to find me. I didn't have response cards - I had no need to know exactly who and how many were coming. I was sort of embarrassed about the whole notion of registering and only registered my dish patterns - because that's what was done where I grew up. The only way anyone would have known I was registered is by asking.

You really shouldn't feel like an invitation is a gift request. If it's too much trouble to send one, don't.

 

[Hannathy]

I didn't think you were supposed to put anything about gifts on the invitation or in the invitation. I find that tacky.
I have to agree with the maybe it doesn't matter how many are coming, if it isn't catered by the plate it may not matter.
I do find the no return address odd but maybe it did just get missed on your envelope? If it is a family member surely you have an address you can send it to. I think it is nice that second cousins get invited to things in your family.