The Prince of Irkdom lives here

[minkydog]

I am married to a saint. Really, DH is far more patient than I am. I am ready to drop-kick DS19 into the next county, or at least drop him off on a road trip through Tennessee with a bag of cheese& crackers. DH is keeping my from throwing him in front of a bus. As some of you may recall, DS19 has had some past issues with depression and lack of motivation. He is currently in community college. Well, that is, he has been. He decided not to go to classes today or last week. The class only meets twice a week so it's like missing a whole week of class when he's out. And he wasn't sick or anything...just didn't wanna go. Might I add: I am paying for this

He quit his job last week because...he didn't like how they treated him He wants to be an actor, but he doesn't want anyone to tell him how to do it. He has no skills or credentials in anything. He has a 19yo GF who is his exact match He calls her "lazy". So he has no income and really doesn't want to work. Well, he wants to work, but not at a minimum wage job. He "wants to be paid what he's worth." I'd like to buy him for my price and sell him for his.

DS is not using or selling drugs, keeps to himself, and doesn't cause a lot of trouble. He has no criminal record. He just wants to play video games, play guitar, and watch DVDs all night in his room. And drink soda and play on my computer and talk on his cell phone. I am really mad. We are enabling him to live like a bum! I don't think it's toomuch to require that he be applying for work. IMO, he should be doing that 6hrs a day when he's not in school.

DH is a saint. He calmed me down, told me he has already had a talk with DS, and tonight will lower the boom: no workee, no caree. If he doesn't have a job by next week, the cell phone goes. *I* am screaming for blood! *I* would like to throw all his things in the street! I am usually a good mom, but I think I have PMS today

 

[binny]

youre entitled


Hope things turn around.

 

[SC Minnie]

He just wants to play video games, play guitar, and watch DVDs all night in his room. And drink soda and play on my computer and talk on his cell phone.

Don't we all but most of like to eat.

Time to close the bank.

 

[EthansMom]

Sounds like your DS needs a reality check. Tell him that if he doesn't maintain good grades/attendance at school and doesn't have a job (at least part time), then you will not be paying ANY of his bills (car, phone, insurance, gas, etc...). You'll only do your son a disservice if you let him get away with being irresponsible.

(DH's half-brothers are in their early-to-mid 20s and have had everything paid for them by their parents: cars, insurance, cell phones, etc... They both developed a drug problem too. But the thing that really strikes me about these young men is their complete inability to have any responsibility. They are both incapable of getting and holding a job on their own, paying for their own cars, getting and paying for their own apartment, etc. This wasn't such a problem at 18 or 19, but now the oldest is 23 and has WASTED the last 4 years of his life! I wonder how different they would be if Mom and Dad had told them "No" at some point before now? -- "No, we won't bail you out of jail."; "No, we won't buy you a new car."; "No, you can't come work for the family business because you don't want to get a job on your own.")

 

[minkydog]

Don't we all but most of like to eat.

Time to close the bank.

I like your style. Yep, I'm thinking the gravy train needs to head on out of town now

 

[experiment626mom]

I've been in this boat and I feel for you. We went through the same thing with my stepson. He had to have both parents and my sil kick him out before he finally got it. Good luck and if you need a shoulder feel free to pm me.

 

[minkydog]

Sounds like your DS needs a reality check. Tell him that if he doesn't maintain good grades/attendance at school and doesn't have a job (at least part time), then you will not be paying ANY of his bills (car, phone, insurance, gas, etc...). You'll only do your son a disservice if you let him get away with being irresponsible.

(DH's half-brothers are in their early-to-mid 20s and have had everything paid for them by their parents: cars, insurance, cell phones, etc... They both developed a drug problem too. But the thing that really strikes me about these young men is their complete inability to have any responsibility. They are both incapable of getting and holding a job on their own, paying for their own cars, getting and paying for their own apartment, etc. This wasn't such a problem at 18 or 19, but now the oldest is 23 and has WASTED the last 4 years of his life! I wonder how different they would be if Mom and Dad had told them "No" at some point before now? -- "No, we won't bail you out of jail."; "No, we won't buy you a new car."; "No, you can't come work for the family business because you don't want to get a job on your own.")

See, this is what i fear most, that this will just quietly go on and he'll be 25 still living the high school life. I really am not a harda** but I just want to get get off his duff and get moving. I'm afraid to just kick him out because he has no safety net. I don't want him to live on the streets. I want him to know we love him, but he's gotta grow up.

Oh and btw, he thinks he's going to WDW with us in November

 

[Sandy V.]

I'm afraid to just kick him out because he has no safety net.

I think that you are a very caring mom and I've followed your posts regarding your son before, but did you consider that he may do better and be more motivated to go to school/get a job is there ISN'T a safety net?

Best of luck with your situation; our 18 year old DD is going to college next year and we've been pushing for her to get a part time job to save for expenses next year. She's been dragging her heels a bit ("It's my senior year and I should be having fun"), and we're getting ready to lower the boom soon.

 

[Queen Quinnella]

I feel your pain.

 

[EthansMom]

I'm afraid to just kick him out because he has no safety net. I don't want him to live on the streets. I want him to know we love him, but he's gotta grow up.

Oh and btw, he thinks he's going to WDW with us in November

I would be the same way -- I wouldn't want to kick my child out or be hungry, but I would make sure that he knew he had to "earn" any luxuries. If I were you, I would say, "You can live here as long as you are going to school and/or working (full time and paying rent, if not attending school). If you are going to school full time and not working, then here is a list of things that need to be done around the house."

If he doesn't want to do anything, then he doesn't need a car, cell phone, computer, video games, gas money, etc... If he isn't helping around the house, then you shouldn't be washing his bathroom, washing his clothes, etc... If he isn't helping cook or clean up from dinner, then he can make his own dinner...

Really, I would sit down with DS and let him know what the consequences of his actions are going to be. There are no free rides in life. If he doesn't go to school and/or work, then he won't get the use of the car, cell phone, gas money, etc.. And if he isn't helping out around the house, then you won't do anything around the house for him.

If he's not able to get it, then you'll have to have the strength to tell him that he's got X time to get straightened out or to find someplace else to live until he can be a responsible member of the family.

IMO, your husband taking away just DS's cell phone is a slap on the wrist.

 

[horseshowmom]

DH is a saint. He calmed me down, told me he has already had a talk with DS, and tonight will lower the boom: no workee, no caree. If he doesn't have a job by next week, the cell phone goes. *I* am screaming for blood! *I* would like to throw all his things in the street! I am usually a good mom, but I think I have PMS today

I think you're both on the right track. Like you, I'd be ready to kill him and hide the body under the oak tree out back, but I think your husband has the better idea.

At some point, fiscal reality is going to kick in (that may not be quite as satisfying as kicking him yourself though ).

 

[SC Minnie]

You are enabling him.

Truly, how many of use would get up everyday and go to work if we didn't have a house payment/rent, power bill, car payment, etc. Yes, some people are motivated and really enjoy working but a lot aren't, the motivation is being able to live comfortably. Your sons life will not be comfortable without the luxuries. You don't have to kick him out to wake him up. If he isn't going to school he needs to pay rent or some bill (the power bill or something). If he isn't going to school then there is no reason he can't work to pay for the luxeries such as transportation, cell phone, and video games. If he doesn't work and make some money there is no way he can take his 'lazy' girlfriend on a date.

Make some rules and stick to them. Tell him the gravy train has pulled into the station and it is time for him to exit to the right.

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

I am sorry that you have to go through this. I think EthansMom has the right idea. You might want to sit your son down and explain to him what is expected. ("You go to school and get good grades and work PT, then everything stays the same. If you don't, then you lose phone, computer, car...etc.") It's hard but you are headed in the right direction.

I know someone going through something similar. Their daughter (now 20) started going to a good college for a music major. She is very talented, I wish she stayed on this track. Then partying and a sorority were more important than school and a music major was too hard. So she switched to a teaching major because it was "easier". Uh yeah ok. She lost a lot of credits doing this too. Then that was too hard so she switched colleges but still for a teaching major. Lost more credits there. Went to the second college for a semester (this fall semester that just passed) and decided she doesn't want to do that anymore. She wants to become a pastry chef. Her father finally put his foot down and said no, that she needs to at least get her associates degree. She is now attending a community college for her associates. She now pays rent. If her grades are good, then she gets the rent money back. She works part time and pays her own phone bill and own gas and car insurance. I am glad that her father finally set her straight because she was on the track for being dependent on them for a long time.

 

[Calliaz]

I'm new around here, but I felt like I might provide a little different perspective. Is he still depressed? I spent my first two years of college doing a lot of the same things (missing several classes in a row, sleeping a lot, etc.) and it was because I was depressed. If he isn't getting good treatment, other things may fail. If my parents had kicked me out of the house then I would have never recovered. Not that limiting the luxuries is a bad idea.

One of the reasons I was depressed was because I was very bored. Is your son rather intelligent? He may not be challenged enough.

On a hopeful note, my 20-year-old nephew was headed down the same path. He flunked a lot of classes, lost his very good scholarship, and then just dropped out. He just realized what was happening and is moving across country to live with his mom and try and get some focus. He had to make that decision all on his own and he had to hit rock bottom first.

Good luck!

 

[HayGan]

It is definately called tough love for a reason!

He may be cursing you now for being "hard" on him but he will thank you for it in the end! It sounds like he really does need to learn what it is like in the real world!

Hope he sees the light for your (and his) sake!

 

[minkydog]

I'm new around here, but I felt like I might provide a little different perspective. Is he still depressed? I spent my first two years of college doing a lot of the same things (missing several classes in a row, sleeping a lot, etc.) and it was because I was depressed. If he isn't getting good treatment, other things may fail. If my parents had kicked me out of the house then I would have never recovered. Not that limiting the luxuries is a bad idea.

One of the reasons I was depressed was because I was very bored. Is your son rather intelligent? He may not be challenged enough.

On a hopeful note, my 20-year-old nephew was headed down the same path. He flunked a lot of classes, lost his very good scholarship, and then just dropped out. He just realized what was happening and is moving across country to live with his mom and try and get some focus. He had to make that decision all on his own and he had to hit rock bottom first.

Good luck!

I don't think he is depressed, but it wouldn't surprise me if he was headed that way. He hasn't had a bad break in about 18 months and has been off meds for about a year. That's the main reason I don't want to cut him off--it wouldn't take much to push his buttons.

I'm sure he is bored. He has a very creative mind. He finds it very difficult to concentrate on things that don't interest him, which is everything except music and theater. But even in that field you have to toe the line, show up for work, work with difficult people, and sometimes you have to kiss up just like in "real life."

I just want him to be able to support himself.

 

[Marseeya]

I don't have much to offer except