The end of a Friendship

[Forevermarypoppins]

Not my friendships, but I have 2 dear friends that have each ended a close friendship. It just seems so strange that at our age (all involved over 60) this "crap" still happens. It reminds me of Jr / Sr HS.

I've been thinking of this all day since one of the 2 just happened over the weekend. I want to be supportive so I'm basically listening and offering some words of encouragement. In both instances I do not know the ousted friend well at all. I'm happy about that because then there are no sides for me to take other than listen to my friends version of the story.
It all seems sad to me. None of us are getting any younger. But I do see this all around me and that is: I'm not putting up with any X/Y or Z anymore.

One friend was the victim of the "other" person berating her for "years of this and that". They've known each other since grade school! Apparently the instigater is a closet alcoholic and my friend will NOT put up with any of that so GOODBYE FRIEND
The other friend of mine was dealing with someone who kept a love interest a "secret" for quite some time before coming clean and seemed to have changed. My friend realizing now WHY there were times where something was "off" or didn't add up. Apparently my friend had her fill of negativity from this person and blew up at her.

#1 friend has no remorse for her cutting off the person and I understand since they said some nasty things that may have been pent up for a long time.
#2 friend is feeling a bit remorseful, but also a bit relieved to release someone who had such a negative aura about them.

I don't have a lot of close friends. Actually these 2 and another friend I've had for only 9 years plus my sister are really the 4 persons I consider my "peeps" I do have a couple of cousins who I enjoy seeing but none of us live close by.

 

[GAN]

Wow …have you ever watched Banshees of Inisherin? Sadly, that was the first thing that came to mind. Unfortunately, I think it is relatively more common as we get older …we feel have limited time and the effort to keep a relationship flourishing can become taxing when we need less complicated. If that makes any sense. I personally haven’t had this issue but I can see where it can happen. If you haven’t watched the film, you should….

 

[TipsyTraveler]

This isn’t petty junior high drama, though. Your friends have described ongoing patterns of lies, verbal abuse, and alcoholism where they have felt weighed down by the negativity of these relationships for an extended period of time — years, in at least one of the cases. I think society in general has become more aware of healthy/unhealthy relationship dynamics in recent years and, instead of bottling up their feelings and silently seething, people are starting to implement and enforce boundaries for their own wellbeing. I don’t think that’s a bad thing but yes, it might mean you’re seeing more friendships dissolve than in the past. It sounds like it was a long time coming for both situations and the decisions were given a lot of consideration.

 

[princesscinderella]

Wow …have you ever watched Banshees of Inisherin? Sadly, that was the first thing that came to mind. Unfortunately, I think it is relatively more common as we get older …we feel have limited time and the effort to keep a relationship flourishing can become taxing when we need less complicated. If that makes any sense. I personally haven’t had this issue but I can see where it can happen. If you haven’t watched the film, you should….

Ugh that movie was just so depressing and a bit insane. I wish I had the two hours of my life back the scenery was beautiful and it was well acted but the plot was awful in my opinion.

Sometimes in friendships the cup of tolerance just overflows til you just can’t take it anymore and the friendship naturally fizzles out or it blows up. It’s natural to have an ebb and flow of different friends in our lives, usually lifelong friendships are rare.

 

[VandVsmama]

Not my friendships, but I have 2 dear friends that have each ended a close friendship. It just seems so strange that at our age (all involved over 60) this "crap" still happens. It reminds me of Jr / Sr HS.

I've been thinking of this all day since one of the 2 just happened over the weekend. I want to be supportive so I'm basically listening and offering some words of encouragement. In both instances I do not know the ousted friend well at all. I'm happy about that because then there are no sides for me to take other than listen to my friends version of the story.
It all seems sad to me. None of us are getting any younger. But I do see this all around me and that is: I'm not putting up with any X/Y or Z anymore.

One friend was the victim of the "other" person berating her for "years of this and that". They've known each other since grade school! Apparently the instigater is a closet alcoholic and my friend will NOT put up with any of that so GOODBYE FRIEND
The other friend of mine was dealing with someone who kept a love interest a "secret" for quite some time before coming clean and seemed to have changed. My friend realizing now WHY there were times where something was "off" or didn't add up. Apparently my friend had her fill of negativity from this person and blew up at her.

#1 friend has no remorse for her cutting off the person and I understand since they said some nasty things that may have been pent up for a long time.
#2 friend is feeling a bit remorseful, but also a bit relieved to release someone who had such a negative aura about them.

I don't have a lot of close friends. Actually these 2 and another friend I've had for only 9 years plus my sister are really the 4 persons I consider my "peeps" I do have a couple of cousins who I enjoy seeing but none of us live close by.

It sucks when a friendship ends. But friendships sometimes don't last forever. Sometimes they only last for a season or 2 of one's life.

Re: Friend #1 -
There's not much one can do when the person you're friends with is an addict. Eventually, a lot of people who are close to an addict will reach a point where they decide that they can't take it anymore and they then refuse to enable the addictive behavior anymore. And that's when the friend or loved one cuts off the addict.

I did that very thing to my best friend about 6 months before she died from her addiction. This may sound harsh, but what Friend #1 did was probably the best thing for the other person.

 

[disykat]

Many years ago in my 20's I lost two close friends that I thought would be forever friends. It was heartbreaking at the time, but now I realize it was really about just moving forward into different stages of our lives. 40 years later, we're in contact again and can look back and appreciate what we had. We'll never be close like we were, but it's nice for it to come around a bit.

 

[Karin1984]

I have lost many friends over the years, for multiple reasons. Some dramatic goodbyes, some just changed course and we disappeared from each other's lives.

I think it is good, especially when you are getting older, to end it if necessary. Because as you say "you are not getting any younger". Do you want to spend your last energy on people who do not add to your life anymore?

Your last decade/years/months on this earth should be spend with those who bring you joy. And if someone doesn't anymore...

 

[amcnj]

I am currently monitoring a situation between two grade school friends who are 93! They haven’t been speaking for about a week now and I am wondering if this is it. And no, I was not a classmate of theirs!

 

[ronandannette]

...Sometimes in friendships the cup of tolerance just overflows til you just can’t take it anymore and the friendship naturally fizzles out or it blows up. It’s natural to have an ebb and flow of different friends in our lives, usually lifelong friendships are rare.

This. So many warm and satisfying relationships have come and gone over the past 30 years in my life - thankfully without any drama - just the natural “changing of the seasons”. There’s never been anybody that hurt or offended me to the point I felt I had to actively confront them and formally end things. Who knows though - maybe some of the ones that drifted away felt that way about me. It really doesn’t matter now, and if our paths cross again in the future, there would be no hard feelings on my side.

One thing I’ve never had to contend with is being part of a group of friends with various members in strife. I’m not sure how I’d handle that.

 

[LuvOrlando]

That is very sad, it is always sad when such things happen and very kind of you to listen as these friends grieve their loss.

 

[TiggerTrigger]

In a way, it's sad, because it is a loss. Still, it usually occurs because the relationship had run its course and was being sustained merely because they'd been friends for so long. Like it would seem silly to part ways at this point. The reality is that the long-term friction and toxicity can really weigh on a person and the termination of things can be liberating and cathartic.

I ended a long-term friendship back in March. I had known this person since the mid 1980s, lost touch until my mid 30s, and after several years of talking more frequently, we became close again for the last 12-13 years. I noticed in the last 3-4 years that things had taken a really toxic turn. I'm not sure if we both just changed or it was one of us. Maybe I just noticed things that had been there all along and stopped tolerating it. On one hand, you could argue that it feels kind of grade school-esque, but on the other, I think it's a sign of true maturity when you walk away because you've got better things to do than to "put up with it." All I know is that I hit a point where I stopped respecting my ex-friend as a person. I was doing my best to make it work and was often not communicating how I was feeling. I'd start writing these nasty - but honest - responses to get it out of my system and then communicate with something more sugar coated or at least softened. I just hit a breaking point. I got tired of it and realized that I hadn't truly respected this person for years...that the interaction was more about filling a void than having quality interaction in my life. There was some emptiness at first, but it's so nice not having to dance around this person's dishonesty, hypocrisy, nastiness, etc. I can only hope for your friends that they've found the same kind of peace in the relationship termination.

 

[Allison]

It certainly doesn't seem like jr. high behavior to me. Sometimes, we get to an age where we realize the toxicity of a relationship isn't worth it and we have to move on.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Not my friendships, but I have 2 dear friends that have each ended a close friendship. It just seems so strange that at our age (all involved over 60) this "crap" still happens. It reminds me of Jr / Sr HS.

Rest snipped by me.

I'm not surprised. There are a lot of people that just have never grown since high school. Not emotionally, nor intellectually. As for me, I have never cut a friend or family member loose. I guess I've been lucky in that the people in my life that have gone toxic cut me loose. I guess all you can really do is listen.

 

[cabanafrau]

Ugh that movie was just so depressing and a bit insane. I wish I had the two hours of my life back the scenery was beautiful and it was well acted but the plot was awful in my opinion.

Sometimes in friendships the cup of tolerance just overflows til you just can’t take it anymore and the friendship naturally fizzles out or it blows up. It’s natural to have an ebb and flow of different friends in our lives, usually lifelong friendships are rare.

Sadly stuck it through to the end on that movie. It was absolutely depressing and left me feeling very unsettled.

Some friendships do ebb and flow over the years. Luckily the deeply meaningful ones seem to survive the tides.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

In both instances I do not know the ousted friend well at all. I'm happy about that because then there are no sides for me to take other than listen to my friends version of the story.

That might mean you don't have the full story or full understanding especially if you haven't spent years with these friends also being friends with them. It might make something look petty when maybe it's not. But in all honesty rarely are any one of us fully innocent when it comes to friendships even ones that just naturally fade. It's not about a blame game though.

My two best friends actually lived with each other after my wedding (one friend moved into the house the other friend had with her then-boyfriend now husband) for about 1 1/2 years, they were friends in a way beforehand but not in the same circle of friends ever and had not been around each other in a long time for a prolonged period of time until I got engaged (they were in my wedding). I had know them for many years by that point.

Eventually each of them would complain or at least disclose the living situation over time to me. I can't claim I know what actually happened but I do know of one major incident that fueled the falling out and each had a different opinion of what actually went down, what was actually agreed (or in this case not agreed upon) and more.