Thanksgiving guilt after Dad passed need some feedback please

[the Fidge]

Ok here's my situation frankly put....my Dad passed earlier this year, I adored him. My mother on the other hand is not a kind woman. It is painful to be in her company. I always loved to cook for my Dad for Thanksgiving he really loved that I made all his favorites with love and gratitude.

My mother would sit at the head of my table as she was waited on, complaining about something or other I failed at. My father would love my meals and I loved cooking for him. It was my way of showing a little appreciation for all he was to me.

My mother on the other hand has used this chance to get revenge with the $ my father left her. Probably hoping something would make her happy none of us ever did. Honestly, I don't wnat to cook for her for Thanksgiving I want to go away to Universal we have nefver been and I thought I would do something totally different. My son is very uncomfortable with her due to unkind words for everyone.

She does not talk to anyone besides one of my brothers none of her family or my other 2 siblings. She will be alone for THanksgiving then and I feel horrible visualizing her alone. I invited her and said I did not feel up to cooking and just wanted to get out of my norm this year.

Now I hear that she thinks I do not love her as in her hour of need I will not be there. BTW her own parents she did not stand by but that is not my intention it is self protection. I normally put the needs of others in front of mine and have done it gladly. I would like to do this for me and it doesn't feel right.

Any thoughts....??

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Not a great relationship with your Mom... and you and your Dad were close..
Do you think maybe your Mom was a little jealous of your relationship with your Dad... I mean that she could not have that kind of relationship with you because of her personality and negativity???

I am not sure what to say here truly. You have lost your Dad that you loved, Thanksgiving was a special time for you with him. If you want to change it for this year, I think you are entitled to do so. Why take those beautiful memories of Thanksgivings with him and taint them with a not so pleasant day this year? What about this?

Have her over before Thanksgiving, do not cook what you usually cooked that your Dad loved so much. Let her know ahead of time that you have planned a trip this year instead of the usual Thanksgiving, it is what feels good for you right now in your grieving and that you are having her over this day instead of Thanksgiving and going away on Thanksgiving. If she is going to complain she is going to complain no matter what you do, have her or not.

So sad that she is that unhappy, not even her grandchildren make her happy? Now that is sad..

 

[BMNABrinx]

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I understand your situation, kinda of. We lost my grandmother Dec. 28, 2008. She was my best friend. The holidays this year are going to be different. We are changing our famiy Thanksgiving to be a day other than Thanksgiving Day. We will also be changing our menu to be something different. Grandma's cooking was always a welcome part of the holiday meals so we'll just keep it simple. My Aunt will not join us this year. She and my uncle have decided to spend the holiday in the mountains.
I personally think that there is nothing wrong with you taking a break from tradition. Sometimes you have to do that. You might even decide to make it a new tradition to travel over Thanksgiving. Don't feel bad about it. Times change and people change. Everyday life is stressful enough. Make your holidays something you will enjoy.

 

[Canyon girl]

I'm sorry for your loss. I agree with the pp. Go have fun! Your son deserves it! It would make a very depressing Thanksgiving holiday to stay.

 

[safetymom]

I think you should invite her over for Thanksgiving. Maybe do it differently. I am sure it will be tough for her and you. At the end of the day you will be glad you made the effort.