teenagers gone wild

[ez]

I posted last week about my friend buying her 16 year old, who had been caught lying numerous times and thrown out of school and arrested for smoking pot, a new car. I appreciated the many responses supporting my feeling that the mom was nuts to do this. Now one week later, of course there have been problems with the girl out past curfew lying about where she was and partying etc.a girl in her car with alcohol poisoning.. So for 2 hours yesterday the mom is telling me this story...I told her her daughter has proven she doesnt deserve a car cant handle the responsibility etc. and...should not be allowed to hang out with these kids who in my opinions only goal is to..."lie better" next time. MY friend informs me that there is no one else for her daughter to hang out with...that every kid in high school is getting high having sex and drinking, and the only reason my 15 year old isnt because she goes to a different high school that has mostly "gifted and academically motivated" kids in attendance. He daughter goes to a regular high school and she says this is undisputably what all the kids are doing "unless they are a member of sone church group" to paraphrase what she said. I wanted alittle feedback on this if you dont mind. I find it hard to believe that every kid in high school behaves this way.
Also, this woman has one kid, I have 3, one who is severely autistic. Just wondering why it is always all about her kid when she calls me..I'm starting to almost get resentful that I have to spend so much of my time listening to this ridiculous stuff...with her seeming to think I have no problems and a perfect life!!!!!!!(oh yeah and my hubby recovering from major surgery right now!) thanks for the vent!

 

[PatsMom]

My DD just graduated from a "regular" high school. In fact, some would say that it is not a great high school - when we moved here I was told you could get a good education at the school but you had to work at it. The school is also well known for drugs and alcohol.

DD hangs out with a bunch of kids who do not drink or do drugs. She is adamantly opposed to drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. The "right" kids to hang out with are there, you just have to look for them.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

No, of course not every teenager out there is into partying, sex, and drugs. This mom is clearly in denial and is just trying to make excuses for her DD.

I was not an academic overachiever and neither were my friends, and only one person is my group ever drank or partied. There are a lot of nice, good kids out there with good heads on their shoulders.

 

[disykat]

What I don't understand is, if that mom thinks the only place her dd could find peers that are suitable is another high school or a church youth group, why she isn't making sure her dd switches schools or joins one of those groups.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

Sounds like the mom is using you as an "enabler" to justify her actions with her daughter. She is trying to get you to agree to her somewhat twisted logic in allowing her to get away with bad behaviour.

It also shows that it is a one sided friendship, no matter what she tells you. It would seem that you have a lot more things to discuss that are not problems from bad behaviour.

Just tell her that you look forward to seeing her daughters first of many appearances on the next installment of "cops"

 

[Jeafl]

I think your friend is nuts. Sure, every school has its group of heavy drinkers and partiers, they are easily found if you want to find them. However, I have a daughter in college, a son in high school and a daughter in middle school who have thus far remained out of trouble.

My older daughter was never one to drink, even in college. All of her friends and roommates drank a lot when they arrived as college freshmen. They have all significantly toned it down, I guess the appeal isn't as great when the liquor is readily available. They are all basically good kids, as are my son's friends. He is on many sports teams and takes it very seriously. His goal is to get an athletic scholarship and is, so far (fingers crossed) not interested in partying. He has lots of friends who feel the same way too, and none of them are in a "church group", not that there is anything wrong with that.

The schools are full of all kinds of kids. If one looks hard enough you can find plenty of good kids who don't have to lie, cheat, steal and drink excessively to have a good time.

I think your friend is guilty of lazy parenting. We have been on top of our kids their whole lives, and once my daughter went off to college and had to make decisions for herself, we found she made primarily good ones. That is not to say that she has never screwed up, but on the whole she is a great kid. You have to spend the first 18 years of their lives teaching them responsiblity, and then just hope for the best.

 

[RitaZ.]

MY friend informs me that there is no one else for her daughter to hang out with...that every kid in high school is getting high having sex and drinking, and the only reason my 15 year old isnt because she goes to a different high school that has mostly "gifted and academically motivated" kids in attendance. He daughter goes to a regular high school and she says this is undisputably what all the kids are doing "unless they are a member of sone church group" to paraphrase what she said.

I think that is what she tells herself to make herself feel better. Blaming the problems on the school and her daughter's friends exempts mom from accepting responsibility and taking control of the situation. It's much easier to say "everyone's doing it" than it is to take the necessary steps to deal with a problematic teenager.

 

[imabrat]

Um, no. I go to a regular, public high school. I can tell you that many of my friends, nor I, smoke pot/drink alcohol/have sex. Do some of my friends do that stuff? Yeah. Is it hard to find a kid who doesn't do one of the 3, if not all? Yes, but they're there. It's not a very good school to go to unless you work very, very hard to learn.

Sounds like mom's an enabler and making excuses for her daughter.

 

[Darsa]

I hatehatehate it when adults proclaim "oh, but EVERY kid does it, of COURSE she's/he's going to do it!" My DH is one of these people and we've gotten into some pretty heated arguments about it in the past.

My DD is now 13, will be 14 shortly after school is back in session. I foresee that she will be one of the "nerds" who abhors alcohol, drugs, tobacco, etc. I have worked long and hard to educate her as MUCH as possible on the stupidity of drinking irresponsibly and illegally, smoking, drugs, and all that. She is a gorgeous tall leggy blonde that the boys are always drooling over, so who knows, maybe she'll have a positive influence on them in that regard. She's also very strong-willed, which will help.

I don't blame you at ALL for being annoyed with this woman, and you have good reason! I used to work in a preschool for autistic children and I know what a handful they can be. They can be awesome, too!

 

[NHdisneylover]

It sounds to me like your friend is great at making excuses. Up until we moved earlier this year I was the Young Adult Librarian in our area. I knew (and really liked) lots of local teens. MANY (most) kids were "good kids" who were not causing any significant trouble. Some of these kids were really bright and/or really religious. Some were neither religious nor "gifted" in an academic way. There were absolutely kids who were trouble. Some of those were "regular" kids who were not in church groups or academically gifted--but some of them were really smart and some were heavily involved in church groups. There was no easily definable segment/clique (brains, jocks, skaters, etc.) who were totally immuine to problem teens nor was there a segment that had ONLY problem teens.

 

[EthansMom]

I'm sorry, but your friend is a terrible parent. The "everyone else is doing it so why not my kid" doesn't hold any water with me at all. Your friend allows her daughter to behave badly... even rewarding bad behavior by purchasing her a new car.

IMO, a good portion of the daughter's problems stem not from her school environment but from overly permissive parenting. If you expect you child to sneak out, binge drink, do illegal drugs, have sex, etc... then your child is far more likely to do one or more of those things. A far more responsible parent would teach their child why not to behave irresponsibly and would give out age-appropriate punishment if/when they misbehaved.

Certainly, children with good parents do misbehave but children who aren't ever taught appropriate limits by their parents are far more likely to have behavioral issues.

Honestly, I'd have a hard time being good "friends" with someone like this... a bad parent who feels the need to offload her family drama on her friend without feeling any responsibility to parent her child.

 

[Nie0214]

Do your daughter and her daughter hang out? I guess I'm confused why you're even talking to this woman if you don't agree with her choices, and your kids don't go to the same school. (And I'd hope you aren't allowing your kids to hang around with such a bad influence.)

 

[ez]

This mom and daughter have lived across the street from us for 15 years. When the girls were younger they were extremely close and we used to even vacation together sometimes. As the girls got in middle school they stopped hanging around together except on very rare occasions when the neighbors daughter will come over, maybe once every few months to borrow something or whatever. We started exchanging Christmas birthday gifts years ago so we still do that.

 

[jaminmd]

I posted last week about my friend buying her 16 year old, who had been caught lying numerous times and thrown out of school and arrested for smoking pot, a new car. I appreciated the many responses supporting my feeling that the mom was nuts to do this. Now one week later, of course there have been problems with the girl out past curfew lying about where she was and partying etc.a girl in her car with alcohol poisoning.. So for 2 hours yesterday the mom is telling me this story...I told her her daughter has proven she doesnt deserve a car cant handle the responsibility etc. and...should not be allowed to hang out with these kids who in my opinions only goal is to..."lie better" next time. MY friend informs me that there is no one else for her daughter to hang out with...that every kid in high school is getting high having sex and drinking, and the only reason my 15 year old isnt because she goes to a different high school that has mostly "gifted and academically motivated" kids in attendance. He daughter goes to a regular high school and she says this is undisputably what all the kids are doing "unless they are a member of sone church group" to paraphrase what she said. I wanted alittle feedback on this if you dont mind. I find it hard to believe that every kid in high school behaves this way.
Also, this woman has one kid, I have 3, one who is severely autistic. Just wondering why it is always all about her kid when she calls me..I'm starting to almost get resentful that I have to spend so much of my time listening to this ridiculous stuff...with her seeming to think I have no problems and a perfect life!!!!!!!(oh yeah and my hubby recovering from major surgery right now!) thanks for the vent!

I have a neighbor like this. It got to the point that I felt like she was sucking the life out of me. It was always about her & the drama in her life. I had to just slowly withdraw from my friendship with her, which was hard because her DD & my DD are buds.

I am beginning to see behavior changes & warning signs in her daughter now as well, which this woman is in complete denial about. Of course, she didn't know she was married to a gay man for 16 years either, so she tends to stick her head in the sand.

What I'm trying to say is that some people will never see what is right in front of them. You may feel like you want to beat your head against the wall when you listen to her. The best thing you can do for yourself is pull back from the situation as much as possible.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My dd is 18 and going off to college. We went to summer welcome with her and it was very thorough. We are not religious as an FYI. This about sums it up really.

One of the seminars was the campus police, sexual assault person and the alcohol/drug abuse person.

The alcohol person said first thing, "We have a drinking problem here on campus." And then went into all the stats, etc. Long story short kids are drinking however it is only a small percentage that are abusing.

And in fact the majority "manage their drinking". I know it sounds crazy to say but it is the truth. Most kids are planning who is a designated driver, a place to hang, drink, spend the night, only doing it on the weekends etc.

So yes, kids are drinking in HS, but most "manage" it well.

Obviously this girl is out of control and is headed for trouble.

I posted last week about my friend buying her 16 year old, who had been caught lying numerous times and thrown out of school and arrested for smoking pot, a new car. I appreciated the many responses supporting my feeling that the mom was nuts to do this. Now one week later, of course there have been problems with the girl out past curfew lying about where she was and partying etc.a girl in her car with alcohol poisoning.. So for 2 hours yesterday the mom is telling me this story...I told her her daughter has proven she doesnt deserve a car cant handle the responsibility etc. and...should not be allowed to hang out with these kids who in my opinions only goal is to..."lie better" next time. MY friend informs me that there is no one else for her daughter to hang out with...that every kid in high school is getting high having sex and drinking, and the only reason my 15 year old isnt because she goes to a different high school that has mostly "gifted and academically motivated" kids in attendance. He daughter goes to a regular high school and she says this is undisputably what all the kids are doing "unless they are a member of sone church group" to paraphrase what she said. I wanted alittle feedback on this if you dont mind. I find it hard to believe that every kid in high school behaves this way.
Also, this woman has one kid, I have 3, one who is severely autistic. Just wondering why it is always all about her kid when she calls me..I'm starting to almost get resentful that I have to spend so much of my time listening to this ridiculous stuff...with her seeming to think I have no problems and a perfect life!!!!!!!(oh yeah and my hubby recovering from major surgery right now!) thanks for the vent!

 

[okeydokey]

I have family members that excuse their kids' behavior as typical teenage behavior. IMO being a 12 year old doesn't excuse your swearing at and threatening your siblings, nor does it make it OK for you disappear for hours at a time with your friends with your cell turned off so you can be wandering the streets and not found by your parents. They say this behavior drives them crazy but they don't do anything to stop it and chalk it up to "normal teenage behavior". Well, it's not normal in my house. I know lots of teens that are responsible and great people to be around. Your friend is afraid of her daughter and is afraid to enforce her rules and expectations.

 

[ericamanda01]

The mother is lazy. She spend 2 hours complaining and blaming it on other kids and their bad habits rather than take responsibility for her spoiled daughter. She makes it sound as if there are only really good kids and really bad kids, when we know that's just not true. She sounds like someone who just needs someone to agree with her so she doesn't feel so guilty for being a mediocre parent. I mean really what did she think buying this girl a car would do, up her GPA and she would use it to drive to church. No, she most likely thought she would be seen as the cool parent and MAYBE her kid would listen to her.

 

[ringaswan]

It does not appear that this mother has made any effort to link actions and consequences for her daughter, and, as others have said, appears to want to be her daughter's buddy rather than parent.

It does seem that this mother thrives on the drama her daughter provides. She sure doesn't seem embarrassed by her daughter's actions!

 

[scrapquilter]

That mom is nuts. I'd be keeping her at arms length as much as humanely possible!!

And doesn't your state have graduated licensing for teenagers? Here in CT, there aren't really any worries about kids driving crazy with a carload of their friends because we have the following restrictions:
During the first six months of driving, the teen may only legally drive with one or both of his or her parents or guardians, one driver's education instructor, or one person older than 20 who has held a license for four or more consecutive years.
During the second six months, the teen may drive with members of his or her immediate family.
They may not drive a vehicle that requires a public passenger permit, such as a bus or vanpool vehicle.
They may not drive with more passengers than there are seat belts in the vehicle.
They may not drive between midnight and 5 a.m., except for special circumstances or with their parent or guardian.
They may not drive while talking on a cell phone (even if it's hands-free).

 

[Stacerita]

That mother is just making excuses for her own child's bad behavior. And no, not every high school student is drinking, doing drug, having sex and the like.