teenagers and instant messaging

[luvflorida]

My daughter, almost 13, uses IM daily. So do most of her friends. They IM each other during the school year, but in the summer it is used more often. It is the way they stay in touch with each other. However, IMing has become a big problem in our house.

Our daughter is allowed to IM friends, and she knows that we check on her frequently and whenever we happen to pass by the computer, we may read what is on the screen. Several times this summer, she has lost IMing priviledges due to things we've seen that we don't approve of, (not necessarily something she's done, but things we've read from so called friends). I am truly shocked at some of the things I've read that "friends" have IMed to each other. And some of the language is really vulgar. We have told our daughter that when kids start using bad language or start saying unkind things about someone else, she is to sign off.

I'm wondering how, and if, you monitor your child's use of IM. We constantly check on her when she is on IM, but of course we can't stand behind her every second. Right now she is banned from using IM due to some of the things we have read. It's just too easy for kids to be mean to each other or to use inappropriate language while on the computer. I hate feeling like I am constantly playing police and monitoring IM time, and I feel that she ought to be able to talk to friends without me standing over her shoulder, but I'm not comfortable leaving her alone on IM.

Sorry this is so long, but I wonder how many parents really know what their teenager is doing on IM. What about those times when parents might be at work and kids are home alone? From some of the things I've seen on IM, there isn't much parental supervision. And yes, I know you can trust your teen to do the right thing, but honestly, how do you really know?

 

[DoeWDW]

We face this same problem at our house and have yet to find a good solution. We do the same types of things to monitor what's going on but, like you said, we can't be there every second. I'd love to hear from others who are in the same situation.

 

[LarryE]

My parents always let me express my freedom of speech, and thus I don't think I would monitor my kids language.

 

[believe]

I would definitely do as you have done. Freedom of speech is one thing (expressing an opinion/view), but saying mean/hurtful or using unnecessary language is another. I dread when my DDs reach the age of IMing....I can already see my hair color changing.

 

[Tiggeroo]

When my kids were younger pre-teen/early teen I watched what they did and the computer was in the living room. Now they are 16 and 19 and I don't bother. I do occasionally pull the history on my son's computer, to check the sights they are on. I also have had frequent talks about safety. They all have pc's in their room. So I would guess that since 15yo for the boys I haven't checked up on it. It feels like an invasion of privace, like reading their mail, etc. If I thought that there was a problem I wouldn't hesitate to do thest things, though.

 

[Patricia]

I have two daughters, one 17 and one 13 and I have been through the same thing with both of them. I have no solution. I really don't monitor the 17 year old much anymore .She pretty much shares everything with us now. She is old enough and has heard enough that trying to screen it is useless. My 13 year old .... I try to do exactly what you do. I have read some things that I hated to read, but I also try to not forbid her from continuing her IMing. Sometimes that just forces the kids to try to hide things from us. I usually say to her that I just want to be aware of what she is dealing with so that I can help her handle it. Not freak out. I had a few situaions where I learned something through the IM's or through the emails about her friends. I earned her respect by not saying anything and waiting it out. It is the hardest thing! The whole IM thing is great for them to stay in touch, but it's a challenge to parent with it. Good luck!

 

[JesseBlue]

We keep the computer in a central area of the house. Only 2 hours a day on the computer for I.M.ing, broke up into however many minutes she wants throughout the day. 1 hour during the school year. If I happen to see something bad on the screen, the person I.M.ing her gets blocked. I have her screen name and password. She knows I can check up on her anytime, but I never have. She's 16. If I didn't make these rules she'd be on 24 hours a day.

 

[CJMickeyMouse]

I have two boys, 11 and 13. They use IM... not a lot... I think 2 hours a day would be considered extremely excessive at our house! Especially if you ask DH! LOL!

Our computer is centrally located and we can read whatever, whenever. Once our older boy was caught in a conversation where a girl in his class was discussing how she was going to lead someone on. My son called me over and I helped him end the conversation gracefully. She was then blocked... that was his decision.

I think the whole deal is to be open to discuss what is happening. Our kids know that they are always able to use us as an excuse to get out of a difficult situation... My mom needs the computer... we are leaving, gotta go... etc.

IMO what they discuss on IM is no different than what they discuss at school and/or on the phone. The key is teaching them how to handle it.

Anyhow, this is what has worked for us.

 

[luvndisney358]

It's been a real trial in my house. My daughter is 18, my middle daughter is 15 and my son is 13. Not only do they fight like cats and dogs to use the computer they are constantly IM'ing. Our computer is in a central location in my house and I DO make a point of going by and briefly peeking but it's a losing battle at times. It's very hard to monitor quite frankly. When they are on for two long I make sure they get off and get on with life.........

It's really tough with 3 teenagers!

~Mickey take me away~

 

[TIdoublegaER]

For those who don't pay attention to what their kids are doing on the computer, you might want to check this out:

Teens plot killing spree

This article doesn't specifically mention IMing, but it was reported on our local news that this is how the teens communicated with each other.

 

[Mishetta]

My son just turned 8 y/o & he's already IM'ing but luckily with just his uncle. I dread the thought of him IM'ing with his friends but at the moment, none of his friends have the ability to write (or spell) as well as my DS so he's just IM'ing with his uncle & cousins.

Trust me, I will be monitoring his IM'ing when he'll be communicating with his friends!

 

[preshi]

They have software for computers that you can monitor IM's, emails and website searches. It's called Spector. For one thing if your child is aware the software is on the computer they are going to be less likely to go somewhere or say something you consider innapropriate. Also if you do find something you deem innaporpriate why let them use the computer at all. I'm not old by any means, 25, but we didnt have a computer and I turned out just fine.... people on the internet are just creepy these days... you may think you are talking to a person your age and really it's some whacko that's getting his kicks from talking to young people... blechhh

 

[DocRafiki]

Originally posted by luvflorida
Our daughter is allowed to IM friends, and she knows that we check on her frequently and whenever we happen to pass by the computer, we may read what is on the screen. Several times this summer, she has lost IMing priviledges due to things we've seen that we don't approve of, (not necessarily something she's done, but things we've read from so called friends). I am truly shocked at some of the things I've read that "friends" have IMed to each other. And some of the language is really vulgar. We have told our daughter that when kids start using bad language or start saying unkind things about someone else, she is to sign off.

And I thought MY parents were control freaks!! (And yes they were, and yes I'm paying for it). That is so ridiculous!!! How is IM'ing any different from being at school and talking in person? Are you going to follow her to school to make sure she doesn't curse or say bad things? I would feel SO invaded! You should be monitoring IM's for one thing -- people she DOESN'T know who might be up to no good. That's easy to control on AOL at least by allowing only certain people to IM.

I don't understand why parents don't learn? Any normal person who lives in a freshman dorm can obviously tell who all the sheltered kids are -- they unleash and go nuts when finally given the chance.

 

[zurgswife]

DocRafiki....It's not the langauge that upsets me the most it's the facelessness of the IM'ing process.....It is not like talking face to face..I person is more likely to say something threating or bullying in IMing then in person....

We try to monitor my DD as much as possible...but as far as blocking the names her group everybody has at least 5 names I found this out because her list was so long....she explained that some people had many multiple names....So, blocking a person for inappropriate language might stop that person from IM'ing your child...

IM'ing has became such a problem in our 7th and 8th grade last year that the school became invovled...there was a tremendous amount of bullying going on....

 

[Keli]

Kids get 100% privacy when they move out of the house and live self supporting lives. Until that point my dd receives an increasing level of privacy and freedom based on her ability to handle herself and situations wisely (basically her maturity level). Since she's now 18 years old (and mature enough to handle all the internet stuff) I don't monitor her IMing or her email or anything else like that but she does still have a curfew and other limitations on her freedom and her privacy (I have to know who she's hanging out with and some idea of what her plans are for the evening).
When Ash was younger we had the same issues with IMing too. I handled it the same way you guys are in having the comp in a central location and walking by occasionally and looking at what people are talking about. Ashli didn't really get in trouble for anything anyone else said to her though. If someone was cursing a lot or talking in very vulgar terms then Ashli always ended the conversation fairly quickly on her own (but she knew that I would have made her do that if she didn't).

 

[luvflorida]

When kids are IMing each other it is not the same as face to face conversations. They tend to be more bold and say things they normally wouldn't say. They have multiple screen names and they change them frequently. Many times kids don't know who they are really talking to and a lot of problems happen because of this. Also, when kids are talking to each other at school, they are the only ones involved in the conversations. On the computer, who knows how many other people will read what they have written.

I do not monitor my 19 year old daughter's computer time. She is a Sophomore at college and she makes her own choices now. However, when she was younger I did monitor her and check up on her, and you know what? She is an intelligent, level-headed, high honor student. I always told her when she was growing up that we were trying to do what we felt was in her best interest and that when she eventually left home she was on her own and would make her own choices, good or bad. She is doing just fine.

We will continue to monitor our 13 year old and do what we feel is necessary to keep her safe.

 

[nsyncraider17]

I'm completely addicted to IM, but the only people I talk to are people I know from school. Our computer is in our living room, so lots of people do walk by. Some of my friends do use bad language, but I don't feel the need to end the conversation...if I was talking to them at school, would I really walk away from them just because they cussed? That seems kind of ridiculous to me...I try not to use bad language, but I'm not going to judge my friends and assume that they're horrible people who I can never talk to again if they do.

Occasionally, I do get an IM from someone I don't know calling me something inappropriate, and then I block them immediately. It's probably people who got my screen name from my friends, but if they're going to start a converation by insulting me, then i don't want to talk to them.

 

[UncleKyle]

I don't understand why parents don't learn? Any normal person who lives in a freshman dorm can obviously tell who all the sheltered kids are -- they unleash and go nuts when finally given the chance.

AMEN!



I think there should be a limited amount of time online for a child and definetly a parent should keep an eye on who they are talking to. But as far as trying to watch things they and their buddies have written online, thats just an invasion of privacy. IMHO If your gonna read that stuff you might as well go to slumber parties with them and ease drop on their phone conversations too. The hardest part with parents in this day in age is to realize that kids have more access to everything than they did just 15 years ago. There isn't any direction in classrooms, kids are having sex at a younger age, they learn curse words before they learn their pronouns. It's easier for kids to get drugs than it is alcohol. What they say online should be the least of your worries.

 

[UncleKyle]

One last thing, there is nothing that excites a child more than hiding something from mom and dad. Just giving them an excuse only adds fuel to the fire.

 

[zurgswife]

The hardest part with parents in this day in age is to realize that kids have more access to everything than they did just 15 years ago. There isn't any direction in classrooms, kids are having sex at a younger age, they learn curse words before they learn their pronouns. It's easier for kids to get drugs than it is alcohol. What they say online should be the least of your worries.

So, we should sit idly by and let them do everything.....I don't think so....I'm not naive (I was quite the party animail in my day but when I was growing up this was my older teen years) but I plan to let my DD enjoy her childhood has long as possible (which in todays world is increasingly more difficult)...but part of this is also monitoring what goes on in her life...I don't hide reality from her but I show her the way .....and hope I give her enough information that she choses the correct path....

As she gets older (she is 12) I will let the reins out but not before I think she is ready...i know the world and I know my daughter and I will protect her as long as I can...