Sweet Mother of Fudge! 2/15 A Goodbye Summary~Pimples and Farts

[mrsksomeday]

OMG, that installment cracked me up . I made Bill pause his football preshow to read this installment outloud to him. I was fine until I read about the soda jerk (still sounds naughty) and the limp dog, then I had to stop reading I was giggling too much.

You have a flair for writing, I love it!!

 

[linmc1129]

Great installment! You write so well and make me laugh-out loud! Can't wait for more. I can't believe we're still on day one. Y'all sure had an eventful day!!

 

[Goofyluver]

For the record...those earplugs aren't always satisfactory.



Dear sweet Jon has a fear of the noise. Can't stand it.

So, I procured myself a set of bonafide gun-shootin' ear protectants. Walked into the gun store and bought myself a set...sans guns. They had different "strengths" I guess. The man wanted to know what kind of gun I was shooting. Ummm...the kind that goes "boom boom" in the sky and makes pretty sparkles???

Yup...so if you ever need to spot us during the fireworks...look for the itty bitty kid wearing gun headphone thingies.

 

[jcc0621]

She was heading into The Tent on property.

What is The Tent you ask? Well, it is not an actual tent. It is two stores for cast members. We actually go to The Tent on the vacation, so I will go more in depth on that day.

LOVE the tents Unfortunatley we didn't get there this year

Oh my dog. That is a lot of liquid. And that is a very high traffic lane. People that have been to Disney before know that you can cut through Casey’s and the stores if the parade is on. And it was. Spectro Magic was Spectroing. Mr. The King went to find help.

Ugh!

I unveiled my dog and it was huge. And very limp. I like a little snap to my dog. I want it to crunch like a pickle and taste like a ball of bologna. I stared at it. It’s color was just too flesh like. It resembled that fat baby’s leg. I was hungry and I know it will taste good. I have had them before. I closed my eyes and took a healthy sized bite. I tried to ignore how long it took for my top set of teeth to touch my bottom set of teeth. So much meat. No snap. Just like gnawing on a baby.

If I did that.

Which I don’t.

I force another bite down. Why does this feel like Fear Factor all of a sudden? I focus on some fries. Which look and taste exactly like fries.

Um, yuck!

I remember holding an inconsolable PS who was screaming “Is Cinderella Dead!!” while trying to get through the wall of people between me and the exit.

Poor thing

A few feet away I hear Mr. The King in my ear “I am going to need one of those tripods. I loved that remote timer.”

He had electronic envy huh?


Great update Deb

 

[ProudMommyof2]

OMG you just tear me up!

You go for a "full frontal castle" after you eat your "limp dog"

Did you enjoy a good smoke when it was all over?

Honestly, there were children everywhere. Have you no shame?!?!

 

[DisneyJo]

Poop in the soda pool

I could never come up with stuff like that

BTW the song my Dad sung after I got stuck in the loo is a real song here

 

[winkers]

I was at the airport friday and thought of you as I walked into the restroom!


I never knew spilled pop and a hotdog could be so full of inuendo!

 

[hlrababy]

Hey!! I just found your report today! Can I just tell you I have laughed and laughed while reading it!!! Your report is hilarious!!!

 

[carrieannie]

Oh Gawsh Deb!! My belly hurts from laughing so hard! Steve woke up and asked if I was okay!
I did not know there were bleachers in Caseys...i will have to look in October...
Mr The Kings fireworks pictures were great!!

Will we EVER see a picture of you and/or your family?

 

[scottny]

Hi,
Carrie told me to come by and glad she did. your tr is hysterical. glad I am all caught up. Looking forward to more.

 

[ncsjodi]

Deb,

Another great installment. I may have to refrain from the TR for the next few weeks though, because I'm sure it will hurt too much to laugh so hard!

 

[AZMickeyfans]

Vampire IN

OMG!!! I like a little SNAP to my dog!

I can't breathe I'm laughing so hard. OMG!

We've met people that I just want to throw in my suitcase and take home with us but that would be kidnapping. I'm glad I got to chat with you that night.

Seriously though, it wasn't me,

I wish I was at MK that night watching Wishes. I cant wait to see it!!


I dont know why there isnt more Walle Merchandise out there. Strange.

I love the little jokes too. Very clever!

Vampire OUT!

 

[PrincessV]

Oh My Dog !!! Oh Don Piano!!

Will this ever stop cracking me up?!

Now, if you are a Wall.e hater please pipe down. Cause I am crazy about that little robot. By the time he was done with me I was doing the hysterical crying.

Fellow Wall.e lover here. I cried too. But not quite so much as to make baby legs.

On our ill fated trip to Magic Kingdom in the morning, Grandma brought stuffed Wall.e along for the ride. We were going to pick up the matching Eve in the parks. Reunite them. Make the claws hold hands. Like it should be.

GOOD LUCK.

Oh my dog.

I unveiled my dog and it was huge. And very limp. I like a little snap to my dog. I want it to crunch like a pickle and taste like a ball of bologna. I stared at it. It’s color was just too flesh like. It resembled that fat baby’s leg. I was hungry and I know it will taste good. I have had them before. I closed my eyes and took a healthy sized bite. I tried to ignore how long it took for my top set of teeth to touch my bottom set of teeth. So much meat. No snap. Just like gnawing on a baby.

Oh my dog. Oh Don Piano! WHO's having hot dogs for dinner tonight??? Moi. There may be a change in plans.

But really - why is it that some dogs go down no problem and others induce an involuntary, refelxive gag?

Money - hands = Happy photographer

Part-time photog here.

This is gorgeous!

 

[HomeschoolMama]

Deb... you dirty dog!

Those pictures are now part of my collection. All my pics were hazy and foggy looking. I obviously suck as a photographer.

 

[Delay Fish]

Oh my. I just read your whole TR. I laughed and laughed and laughed some more.

Subscribing!!

 

[Mrs. The King]

Cleanliness. Disney is so cleanly. So expectedly clean. I think that is the first slap in the face that you are back in the real world after you leave. The stains of humanity on every cotton picking surface.

Back in my trip report, we were finishing up the fireworks, letting the smoke clear. Magic Hours. We were off to claim what would be the first of many plastic bracelets. After we were legal, we head off to wait for the Spectromagic parade. I have seen that parade flying by out of the corner of my eye for a few years. The kids have always been too squirmy to sit for the parade for the length of time it would require us to sit for a good “spot”. The parade “spot” is no joke.

If there were to be a murder in Disney I truly believe it would be over parade spot encrotchment (yes, I do always pronounce it that way). I swear it brings out some of our most primal instincts. I have been ready to literally bite an encrotching arm that entered my sacred space. I was less territorial about who was let into my labor delivery room during the birth of my kids.

The parade spot is more sacred than my business.

So, because I hate going to Disney Jail, we sometimes avoid the parades. Instead, we race around and hit all the rides that normally have a long line. But we were facing PS’s FEAR this time. During the second parade there was oodles of spots. Doodles of spots. We chose one and planted ourselves about a half and hour before the parade.

Waiting, PS starts to yank on her bracelet. She does not like that it does not come off. She is getting claustrophobic of the bracelet. I try and tear it off. No luck. Mr. The King flexes and tries. No luck. Now, she feels trapped in the bracelet.

I am a little claustrophobic too. I am claustrophobic of bras. Somehow I suffocate in that sucker everyday. I rip it off the minute I am in the front door, flinging the bra like it was on fire. I never remember where I fling it. Which leads to awkward moments when someone comes to visit, and a bra attacks them from the overhead light.

Or sometimes I don’t make it into the house. The bra finds a new home in our mailbox, while the kids play outside on their bikes. Mr. The King is far beyond the shock of finding the twins tourniquet tucked in between the bills and the junk mail. Can’t say the same for the postal carrier.

I have told her Mr. The King used to be a rock star and the groupies still send him underwear.

She’s not buying it.

And to go off on a Tangent, like I never do. I want to say there is a time and place for the bra. Or should I say a time and age? Walking into Wal Mart the other day, I was amazed at a braless wonder that seemed to have one of her girls mangled in her belt buckle. That was horrifying.

Back to PS. I can sympathize with the bracelet . Right that instant the bra was trying to kill me. I wheel her over to the little shop close by, they let me borrow the scissors. I snip it off of PS. She can breathe again. I stuff the plastic keepsake in my pocket. I think of attacking the bra. The Magic Kingdom is my true home anyway. But I did not want flip or flop caught by a photopass person. We wheel back to the boys. 5 minutes to the parade start.

Space everywhere. How luxurious and fabulous! What a wonderful view of the parade my kids will have. I was getting really excited. I have not witnessed this parade close in forever. Since before my bra was an assassin.

The music wells up and the lights dim. How many times have The Kings stumbled through that dark sneaking around looking for short lines. Only to be thwarted by the parade blocking your path. I calm my sudden impulse to bolt for short wait times. PS is in her stroller, PC is right next to her. Front row baby!!!

Yes! I would say seats, but that isn’t quite right. I guess we had front row butts. The space around us fills comfortably. Still gaps with no people, but enough to make my Parade spot preservation defenses perk up.

And wouldn’t you know it. A stinking tween moseys up and stands in front of PS. Videoing the parade from his phone.
“Oh no you don’t” ~growls the inhuman, guttural parade voice in my head.

I inch around the stroller. I wait for some adult party in charge of this tween to real him in. Back him down.

Recognize the Parade spot violation.

I feel the long dormant parade voice rumble in my head ~ “HE WILL MOVE”.

I keep inching. I pretend I don’t rub shoulders as I inch around him, finally placing myself directly in front of his little body. I aim The Jiggler at his camera.

“Get a load of that”~parade voice booms.

Then Casey’s fat baby leg hot dog booms all on it’s own. The Jiggler vibrates happily. Sounding exactly like a quacking duck being slapped.

I am sure it looked natural. Doesn’t every mother half climb her stroller to stand directly in front of her own child at parade time? I could almost hear Better Parent behind me. You know the one that can only stage whisper disappointment and do the head shaking?

Better parent ~”Do you see that woman with the big behind? She is standing in front of her own baby at a parade! Of all the selfish things” Head shaking.

OK, so that lady lives in my head alongside parade voice. Both curl up and die when they get a load of what the Jiggler is cooking. Did you ever rip one so violent and fruitful that you were proud?

Thinking “Only a wild animal that lives only on carcasses and dung could produce something so vehemently meaty.”

OK maybe that is just me too. But it moved the tween.

So that is success my friends.

Success.

And the Spectro Magic parade was worth it. To catch glimpses of the kids face highlighted with the glow of the lights, the sheer delight and amazement as each float passes. Time seems to stand still. I watch PC analyzing how each float moves. I spend more time watching them than I do the parade. I love to watch them be delighted. I actually think I am addicted to it. When the sparkle touches their eyes and their mouths pull into a smile, I have seen it so many times, I can’t believe it still fascinates me. And yet when I do glance at the parade I find myself waving and dancing along.

It ends with Pluto, our favorite yellow dog. Mr. The King loves the details in Disney. The Cast members following the parade disappearing the rope into giant drums on their chest is his favorite part. The Parade suddenly a memory, no trace to be seen, just fading music as the lights come up.

Now, The Kings gear up. We are all tired. I am honestly shocked we have made it this far. The party exhaustion topped with a day like the one we just spent, should have floored us. But apparently Disney adrenalin is like crack on crack and we will keep right on going. We decide to hit Tommorrowland Speedway. A King favorite. PC picks to drive with Dad. PS picks to ride with me. The last time we went on this ride, I worked the petals for her and guided the steering wheel. Tonight, our line was a mere 15 minutes long.

Although the night was hot and humid, taking the sun away makes that wait a whole lot easier. We pile into a car. The boys hop in theirs. My two boys will take this serious. PC will pride himself on keeping his car on the straight and narrow, taking turns carefully, letting off the gas to adjust the speed.

Now before I get into us girls, I have to explain my race car driving strategy. Before getting married and having kids, Mr. The King and I would hit the Playstation hard. I have extremely fast reflexes, I can catch or react to something falling before I really even know what has happened. Mr. The King still gets shocked on occasion when I make a spectacular save. Being a mom, this talent hardly ever gets tapped. Sometimes, I would catch a toddler from falling, or stop food from hitting the floor.

But when enjoying a racing game, I really get to use this needless skill. I always go full out gas. Never hitting the break once. I will let off the gas on occasion, but never touch the break. It used to drive Mr. The King crazy when I would win a match with this ridiculous lack of prudence and flaunting of common sense.

And no one counted on my indulging in this quirk with my baby girl in the race car.
But, low and behold, gassing it like a fool in a race car simulator is a hard habit to break. So I floored it. I told PS she was in charge of steering. I never, not once let the gas pedal off the floor. Every time PS steers us into the metal track we bump off with a forceful fling. In her ear I would say

“Boop”, whenever we made contact. Because she can’t see over the steering wheel it happened a lot.
Bang! “Boop”
Bang! “Boop”
She began laughing so hard, she could no longer steer.
Gas pedal to the metal.
Bang! “Boop”
I start laughing too.
Bang! “Boop”
She is laughing so hard that she goes boneless, her peals of laugher just slightly louder than our ridiculous engine.
Bang, Bang! “Boop, Boop”

She can hardly breathe, and neither can I at this point. The kind of laughing that gives you a headache. I actually have to wrap my arms around her to keep her from getting flung around inside the car. No one is touching the steering wheel which is moving all on it’s own.

I am sure, if you were standing anywhere near that track you could spot us. The car was all over the road. I knew in that instant that she and I made a memory that will last forever. When she thinks of me, that night will pop up. Her silly mommy never letting off the gas.

The night reminds me of my own silly mommy Laughter defined my childhood. I can easily list so many times my parents would get my sister and I rolling laughing. I picture my Mom dancing a Perdue chicken into the pot while singing for him. God, we loved it. Forcing her to show our friends, Mom never said no.

We come speeding up to the Start/Finish gas pedal having never been dislodged from it’s comfy place on the floor. And just a hair before we hit the poor unfortunate soul in front of us, I bring us to a safe stop. Showing off the reflexes.
And yeah.
We beat the boys.

PC gets off the ride so proud. So grown up looking. Will it go by so quick? When he is taller than I am getting out of a car with no friendly guiding track? Disney, preserving the innocence for me. He loves vehicles and longs to have his own car. And tonight, flushed with the pride of his accomplishment he tells me he steered and worked the gas pedal on his own.

We decide to end the night at the Monsters Inc. Laugh Factory. PS decides that the Fear is riding in her stroller with her, and no, thank you, she does not want to go to the show. Mr. the King drew the short straw and I got to walk in with PC. What a gentlemen. He is such easy company. He is so smart and quick witted he gets the sarcasm that would slip past some adult heads. He holds doors for me. If he gets a soda out of the fridge, he grabs one for me too. Happy to help out with any task asked of him, he always pitches in. He follows rules and tries to do the “right” thing. It is amazing to watch the world respond to him. People can sense the goodness in his energy.

PC and I settle in for the rip roaring cute show. More laughter. I wish PS had decided to join, but I did like having PC to myself. When we piled out, we found PS was in tears missing us. Mr. the King knew that 12:00 had come and gone for this bunch of Cinderellas. It was time to bid ado to our beloved Kingdom.

But I wanted one last ride as a family. So we headed to Cinderella’s Carousel.

No wait, we hopped on to four beautiful horses. As per tradition, we name the horse we sit on. The music starts and my family twirls around. PS has dried her tears and is loving the ride. PC is entranced with the gears above our heads. I am hoping that this low slung pony won’t get stuck at the tippy top when the ride is over. Mr. the King is in danger of being the headline in the local paper for falling off his horse while trying to take an artsy picture of the underside of the horses.

The ride grinds to a halt. Priness PooPoo (my horse’s temporary name) left me high and dry. Tippy Wippy top. Dang nab it. I try not to surprise my knees with the weight of the Jiggler. Putting a full horseload of gravity behind that behind is also frowned upon. I ask so much of these knees. They took the crushing blow like the pros they are.

We grab a picture with Goofy .

Poor PS is exactly Goofy crotch high. If they used Goofy’s crotch to measure kids for the rides, PS would just make it. After flipping through all the pictures we took, Mr. The King made an interesting observation. In every moment captured with Goofy , Crotch high PS is pointing at Goofy’s business. Every other character gets a gentle hug and a sweet smile. Goofy gets the goods showcased by an accusing finger. Weird. Goofy even.

So we head back to Pop. We walked right past the Candy store. And the Fudge. AND THE FUDGE!!! The kids were done, I couldn’t ask them to wait for me to wait on the long line. For the children The Jiggler suffers. The horror of it all. Main Street fudge is abandoned. Unbought. Uneaten. The Jiggler got baby leg instead.


Up Next Day 2. Does Mrs. The King have the power to change Disney policy?


Chapter 12 The Jiggler Puckers up

 

[Goofyluver]

I know the parade "pushers" well. Just this last trip, I, myself, was used as a camera stand...and I had to accost some VERY deserving foreign tourists who "pretended" they couldn't understand my English directions...DIRECTING them to back up and get back in their spots and quit pushing my kid outta the way. They understood...oh, yes...they DID!!!

And what a coinkidink. I'm crotch high to Goofy too.

 

[HomeschoolMama]

MTK and Goofyluver... on tour in 2009! I think you could sell tickets, you two!

 

[scottny]

great funny update.

TMI on the bra.

 

[AZMickeyfans]

Vampire IN

OMG that was hilarious.

First of all you do with your bra what I do with my pants. I know, more info that does not need to be known but its so true. All the kids do it too. When the doorbell rings we run around looking for pants to throw on.



I love how you blew the teen away! Nice One!

We always end with the Carousel at Disneyland. Its actually never planned but its so magical that way. Fantasyland is emptying out, the lights and the music are all so joyous. The kids love that ride and its just a perfect way to end an evening!

great update!

Vampire OUT!