Strained Family Relationships

[jennw26]

Are any of you experiencing problems with your extended families? People who are unwilling to babysit or insist that there is absolutly NOTHING wrong with your child and that you are just a bad/neurotic parent. My mother and in-laws want to visit all the time when it is convenient for them. My sister-in-law has even planned her wedding on an island excluding all children, so my 4 year old son cannot participate. I find myself getting angry at their selfishness, and REALLY don't want to spend time with them anymore. (My son has language disorders, developmental delays across the board, and tantrums at changes in his routines. ) None of my relatives are sympathetic or offer any emotional support. After four years of my son being sick, not sleeping and needing an enormous amounts of parental attention and medical intervention to eat, walk etc., I find that I am willing to move to Austrailia just to get away from these people! Any advice!

 

[LindsayDunn228]

My sister-in-law has even planned her wedding on an island excluding all children, so my 4 year old son cannot participate. I find myself getting angry at their selfishness, and REALLY don't want to spend time with them anymore.

I wouldn't take this personally. A lot of people, including myself, didn't want children at their weddings. It's your SIL's day, not yours.

 

[MidgeD79]

I feel your pain My family is the same way with my ds 7 who has adhd and other diagnosis. Right now my sister is actively campaigning againist me to not get custody of my 2 grandchildren ( my dd died 4/29). I tend to close ranks on family and seek comfort from friends and pray alot. Support groups are also a source of help. Good luck

 

[sadeeyore]

I'm sorry you are having problems with your extended family . I really don't know why some people are like this.

When my DS was about 4 my SIL told me that there was nothing wrong with him, that I was just wanting attention and I should grow up. My SIL also said that my oldest son was really too easy going, and that youngest son was just like most little boys.

My sister and her DH will babysit for us, not sure I would leave DS with anyone else.

My MIL thinks my DS just needs a smack and that would sort him out.

My DS is now 10 he has autism and learning disability, his speech and understanding is that of a much younger child.

My relationship with my SIL is ok now, I know she has talked to my sister about what she said in the past, I just wish she would talk to me about it.

Sorry, I really don't have any advice, sometimes people cope by trying to pretend there aren't any problems, rather than being supportive .



MidgeD79 I am so sorry to hear about your daughter .

 

[Forevryoung]

I dont know what it's like having a child but my parents have reacted in such a way about my own issues that they have nearly destroyed any relationship between my sister and me.

My parents taught my sister that she has to walk on eggshells around me and avoid talking about things that *might* upset me. They taught her that I am emotionally fragile and need to be "taken care of" (her words).

This is FAR from the truth. Recently this came up and I have tried telling her. Hopefully she believes me. Instead she want's me nowhere near her so she doesn't have an "added responsbility" (her words again- she's 18).

I think the problem is that there is way too much stigma and misinformation.Our family members dont live in our houses (or our brains) and they dont have to deal with the things we deal with on a daily basis. They see the singular meltdown or the singular mealtime. They only witness bits of it- and sometimes they only see the really good moments. If only they could see the frustration and heartache as well before they judge.

 

[KathyRN137]

I really feel for you. My son (8) is autistic and can have many difficult moments at family gatherings due to his sensory defensiveness/sensory seeking behaviors. My sisters are more supportive than my parents...they were all scared to death after DSs diagnosis and did lots of research on Autism because they were just starting their own families.

My parents are "superficially" supportive, pray for us, tell me I'm such a good mother, etc., but just aren't comfortable with him and have NEVER ONCE babysat for my kids. (And guess what...I wouldn't want them to!) My dad, a strict disciplinarian and former Marine Corps Sergeant, still can't understand why he just can't behave!! My mom pretty much ignores him after giving him a hug and a kiss. We've invited them several times to come to WDW with us and stay in our DVC "home", but they always decline.

Oh well, what can you do? No one really can understand what its like to have an autistic child until it happens to them (and hopefully it won't).

I don't get upset at my parents. Its not like they are withholding something they have from me. They just don't have the understanding and supportiveness that would be so very appreciated. If they don't have it, how can I expect them to give it to me?

DH says I'm too forgiving and he gets mad at them (but holds it in for my sake). Well, as far as I'm concerned, I have just accepted them, they're doing the best they know how. Besides, why waste precious energy dwelling on it. My kids, especially DS, need every ounce I can give!!

I will just make sure that I am a better grandmother to my grandkids when the time comes. AND IF I'M EVER LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE INVITED TO VACATION WITH THEIR FAMILIES AT WDW, I'M THERE IN A HEARTBEAT!

Good Luck to you!

 

[btass]

Are any of you experiencing problems with your extended families? People who are unwilling to babysit or insist that there is absolutly NOTHING wrong with your child and that you are just a bad/neurotic parent.

I get this not only from my family but my inlaws and also from my DH. the only "support" I get is from other moms with kids in the special ed program.

You can't make people understand, you just have to keep your head down and keep plowing in the row!

 

[loadsapixiedust]

Sadly, you can't choose your family, but hopefully you can choose friends who can give you the help and support you need.

We have had it all from total denial of DS's disability, our kids being excluded from family occasions and even birthday gifts to a family member saying she thought our DS with CP would be better off dead, oh yes! You have to rise above it, your kids need you to do that for them and if it means they lose contact with some family along the way, so be it.

My DSIL once said to me 'if something upsets you, do all you can to remove it from your life'. It was probably the best advice she ever gave me, but she wasn't so happy when that 'something' was her. We have some wonderful and supportive family and friends we don't need any other kind.

I hope you find the support you and your family needs and if moving overseas helps with that, good luck.

 

[mlwear]

I get lots of weird stuff from my family. My mom thinks there has to be some "cure" for autism and drives me nuts suggesting this book or a story she heard. I get so tired of her saying about every behavior "can't they do something to teach him not to do that?" (I just want to say "yes, they can, but I would rather they not because we love to live with all this chaos and have you think I am a terrible mother!) She lives 7 hours away and babysits rarely. She did spend a day with him when he was 3 and was convinced that SHE could potty train him. For whatever reason she ended up at work with him and had her co-workers, also convinced that they knew more than me, trying to train him How dare she "expose" him to all those people! Of course, she was unable to potty train him. She gets mad because we don't drive home to visit more than a couple times a year. I have told her that DS starts screaming after 3 hours in the car and won't stop and needs to go to the bathroom every 1/2 hour. She lays a tremendous guilt trip on me. One Christmas she kept calling me crying on the phone. It just ruined Christmas for everyone. Mom doesn't understand DS's need for routine. She thinks I am just placating him. She stayed with me when I had surgery. She fixed DS salad one night. His salad has to be in a certain order and he always has Ranch dressing. She couldn't find the Ranch, so told him he could use something else. OMG. The meltdown of all meltdowns. For two months after he asked everyday if we had Ranch dressing and had to check. Finally, I bought five bottles, so he could see we wouldn't run out.
For my IL's...they are crazy... They couldn't stand for him to get the dx. Not because of any reason except that they want to be the ones with the most and worst medical conditions! They minimize his disability, say things like "well, its a good thing he just has autism and not this or this or this like I do". It sad and then funny at the same time. NO WAY would I ever let them babysit. MIL sends me any article she reads about someone "curing" autism. I have told her over and over and over that I don't believe that autism can be cured. I do believe that individuals can live more comfortably through a variety of therapies, but they haven't been cured. IMO, anyone who has been truly cured, likely was misdiagnosed--JMHO. She doesn't respect that though and continues to send me info. about every quack treatment she reads of. The last one she sent me had something to do with a special mud. I just read the title and threw it away. I think these articles do acknowledge that she believes he has a legit dx, but suddenly FIL has many mysterious illnesses that no one can explain... It's not just me that sees this either.
Whew! That felt good to vent!
Anyway, what I do now, is what I feel is best and disregard what the rest of the family tries to force me to do. I visit my folks when I can and tell them that they are welcome here. I throw away stupid articles that MIL sends w/o reading them. I just put DS's needs first (I try hard to let older DS do separate things) and tell them all that THEY can conform easier than he can. I don't really care if they like it or not. I'm not going to feel guilty about it anymore. To the OP, I don't know what I would do if it was my sis getting married, but I rarely go to weddings that are far drives, which most are, since we don't live in our home town. I know relatives get annoyed. I can't get a sitter for that long. I just tell them "sorry, I can't manage it, I wish I could come, but I can't". A couple of times, DH or I have gone separately. We just send a nice gift.
I am VERY fortunate in that my wonderful, generous, supportive sis helps in anyway she can. She isn't married, yet. She has moved twice to live near us and help me! She is the only person in the world I know I can really count on. She knows when I really need a break and will babysit for an evening. If I ever have an emergency, she is there immediately. If DH is away for a few days, she stops by for a day, just to break up the chaos and lend a hand. She never judges me. She tells me all the time that I am a great mom and that she admires me. She is my rock. I wish every mother of a special needs child had someone like her.

 

[XYSRUS]

Am I seeing a trend here? No, really, family is pretty much difficult to get to understand most of the time. Then when you're blue in the face from telling them he's NEVER going to "get it", you have to move on. I'm not rude to my family(ok, maybe I have been), but when I do see them, I keep it short and superficial. They'll ask about my son and inside I'm saying to myself...You've never talked with him, you don't call him on his b-day but you'll call all my other kids b/c they're easy to talk to, you don't invite him to sleepover, you don't invite him to parties, why the *%#$ are you asking about him now? Wow, now you know how I feel! Our kids are terrific but seldom do i run across someone willing to spend the time to get to know them. They are a fantastic bunch...and funny! Keep yourself sane and your immediate family happy.

 

[IAMJESSICARABBIT]

I get so tired of her saying about every behavior "can't they do something to teach him not to do that?" (I just want to say "yes, they can, but I would rather they not because we love to live with all this chaos and have you think I am a terrible mother!)

OMG. The meltdown of all meltdowns. For two months after he asked everyday if we had Ranch dressing and had to check. Finally, I bought five bottles, so he could see we wouldn't run out.

They minimize his disability, say things like "well, its a good thing he just has autism and not this or this or this like I do". It sad and then funny at the same time. MIL sends me any article she reads about someone "curing" autism. I have told her over and over and over that I don't believe that autism can be cured. .

I love this!! i am soooo sorry but i totally love this. thank god i am not the only one in the world that has family like this. oh wait i am sorry not family i have just 1 person. everything that has been said in every single post, combine them all together and then you will have my mother. she is a mean, vendictive person that likes for everyone else to be more miserable then her. but yet i stay loyal because she is my mother, i know i am nuts but i am trying to fix all this. i am trying to get my dh to move all the way from New Jersey, a state i love, to florida so that i can get away from her. my ds has CP and ASD. and she has gone as far as threaten me that because i am such a unfit mother that someone is going to take my child away. she has even said that she would be the one to do it and that she could do a better job then i am doing, just not in those exact words. I had ds when i was 20. he was very sick and so was i, we both almost dies, but WE fought back, and WE lived, and WE have taken care of each other for 7 years. she takes credit for how well my ds is doing but never watches him. says there has to be some sort of surgery of therapy to fix why he is not potty trained yet or has said that i am not trying hard enough. that his legs turning in there something that has to be done. she thinks that there is some sort of cure for his CP and forget about any other dx. they only thing she admits to is CP because that has to do with the body and not the mind. anything would be unacceptable. everything i do with my ds she tells him the oppisite. she teases him to where i have to calm him down and he doesn't want to tal to her on the phone because she says she has done it to all her neices then she is going to do it to him and he is going to have to suck it up and grow up. he is on meds to help control his ADD/ADHD. she swears that he doesnt need it and when and if she watches him she won't give it to him and then yells at him for acting up and yells ay me saying he was so bad. she sends me the articles about kids who have CP and ADD and will write on the side "you should thank your lucky stars this isn't your child" granted I know that i am lucky my son is alive but I know this might sound wrong but those other kids are not my kids. what has happened to my kid is the worst thing that can happen to us because it has happened. does that make sense? i know it can be worse but that is not what we have to deal with this is and this is bad. I ahd a second son only 4 months ago and throw out the entire pregnancy i was on bed rest and she would call me up and yell at me and start fights with me when i was to have no stress. actually said to me that i should not have this child because why would i do what i did to the first child to another one. now my first ds was born 3 months early and at 2.3lbs. i had high blood pressure, there was nothing tht anyone could have done except catch it earlier but that didn't happen. with my second ds we cought it early and he was only born 2 months and at 3.13lbs. but yet knowing all this she still put me and my baby in danger everyday. it got so bad my dh had to step in and yell aat her to leave me alone.

my best advice to anyone is to get away. freinds are more loyal then people like my mother. i would rather up root my ds form the only world he has ever known in order to give him a life free of someone like that. i would even leave the rest of mine and my dh's family which are not half bad to get away from it. these kids go through alot why add to it people that are suppossed to love them unconditionaly but still have all these strings attached.

i teach my children to belive in themselves and when they can't do it then mommy or daddy or brother or aunt can. i teach them to belive in the people that belive in them first and formost. everything and everyone else is just plain hogwash.

please excuse all the spelling mistakes i tend to type fast when venting

 

[Ali and boyz]

Are any of you experiencing problems with your extended families? People who are unwilling to babysit or insist that there is absolutly NOTHING wrong with your child and that you are just a bad/neurotic parent. My mother and in-laws want to visit all the time when it is convenient for them. My sister-in-law has even planned her wedding on an island excluding all children, so my 4 year old son cannot participate. I find myself getting angry at their selfishness, and REALLY don't want to spend time with them anymore. (My son has language disorders, developmental delays across the board, and tantrums at changes in his routines. ) None of my relatives are sympathetic or offer any emotional support. After four years of my son being sick, not sleeping and needing an enormous amounts of parental attention and medical intervention to eat, walk etc., I find that I am willing to move to Austrailia just to get away from these people! Any advice!

Sorry Jennw I don't have any advice because I can't figure them all out myself either and if I am honest I sometimes find it upsetting. I try so hard not to let them get to me but they do.

I never saw my brother for years because his wife doesn't do familes and one thing lead to another and he thought the grass was greener elsewhere and he broke all connections with us. anyway, my son broke his neck playing sport and was in intensive care for 3 months. during this time my brother came back and I thought right try again . well he lasted until my son came off the ventilor and again disappeared but still keeps in touch with my parents and that is the bit that I find hard. I feel for my son and get annoyed at my parents for now giving him a kick and saying to him get up and go and see the boy. I feel its my fault for letting him come back into our lives in the first place and for that I will always regret doing that.

My Sis-in law on my husband side kept trying to talk to my son whilst ventilated and as he couldn't reply he got frustrated so the hospital said imediate family only. have we seen them since NO..... they took the huff.

then last year what we thought was going to be the a most wonderfull vacation to Florida turned out to be the holiday from H.. bascially the family members couldn't stand the heat, walking (didn't realise you had to walk round the parks !) anyway they sulked and moaned and eventually screamed at my Mum and me as it was all our fault and Mum took a stroke due to her BP rising and my son who has experienced the worst 4 yrs of his life (didn't recover any movement from the accident and is now totally paralised) lay and cried and wanted to come home. again fair enough if you want to blame someone but you would have thought for my sons sake they could have smiled and got on with the holiday ok maybe never have went to Florida again but made it a wonderful trip for our son if nothing else. the said one emailled me a fortnight ago asking how I was after my hysterectomy , I had just had my 3rd misscarrage.

We have a cousin (sister of above !!) who said and does say terrible things her worst being it would have been better if he had been brain damaged

my husband doesn't let things get to him like me but the whole family thing upsets me no end and I do sometimes , infact alot wonder if it is us. nobody prior to my sons injury is now around but I have now got the best of friends who are supportive and the most wonderful GP . I also think it has made our family closer and I am more content with it just being the 4 of us.

they all haven't a clue what it is like for any of us or how hard it is on a daily basis. my wonderful GP will say to me they are winning and you are the looser wasting your quality time thinking abut them but it is hard. if anybody has the magic potion please pass it on.

 

[Snow Brite]

My family tries...but they just don't understand. When we were in Alaska I would sometimes call my sister and say..."If you love him you need to come get him for a few hours." when I just couldn't take it. And she would come get whoever I was frustrated with at the moment. But she would take him to get an ice cream, and a roy rogers with coke and cherry syrup, and to the library. She would bring him back literally bouncing off the walls and drop him off. Gee...THANKS! That was SO helpful.

My mom can only do it for short periods of time. It would be one thing if I had one child with ADHD, but I have a daughter with ADD and three boys with ADHD. Just distributing the meds is daunting enough for her. She raised two girls and was one of three girls, so boys are foreign to her anyways. Add in the ADHD and she is frustrated and baffled by them constantly. I will come home from school after she has watched them and she will say "WHY do they make messes like this?" Ummm....they have ADHD and don't think before they dump out all the legos?

My dad thinks I coddle them and use the ADHD as an excuse. He will take them fishing and expect them to act like regular 6, 7 and 9 year old boys who would think first before casting off in a boat, or would remember to put on a life vest. And he too packs a lunch with all kinds of things that just ramp them up to hyperdrive and then can't understand why they wont sit still in the boat. Terrifying.

There are a lot of times I wish I had someone to depend on to help. It is exhausting and overwhelming and scary sometimes. But I have come to accept that for at least the next few years, it is just me.

 

[isla bonita]

My son is now 16. When he was 15 months I was asking questions. All advice failed me. I set out on my own and discivered a really great place that would screen him for free without my ped. request.

I was not wanting problems but have worked in group homes for many years and just know that there was a difference when I got together with all the birthing class moms. All of the kids were born within a couple of weeks and they were all more advanced then mine. Just put the notion in the back of my head. Did ask the ped. but he said boy, only child so on no red flags yet.

He was 2 standard deviations from norm so he qualified for speech. He low normal in his IQ. Has difficulty in all subjects can not read as of yet, but has not reached a plateau as of yet. So I am always hopeful. If I had listened to everyone he would not have gotten as far along as he has. My in laws still think he will grow out of it. When he was little my friends thought at first I was crazy there was nothing wrong, then they would offer to take him and teach him because of course they had done such a good job of toilet training theres or learning better speach. It really hurt but I did know they really thought they could help him.

Since I have had my son life has been different for me. Not better or worse just different. Going to Boston Childrens hospital for evals and saying to myself how lucky we are. Not getting invited to many parties or play dates how this really rots. Just the same as my other 2 but just a little more extreme. This year we are setting presidence in our middle school. My son is heading to DC with the group close up. He wants to go I have taken him and he loves all of it. It was a big deal but they really could not say no. I will let you all know how he made out.

Life is not easier or harder for us just at times different.We are lucky not all are so. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to speak. I do not find a forum lots of times. It is not something I share with many. Deb

 

[Tissa]

My mother and I are raising my two nephews one which has autism and the other one has CP. We have each other which is great but that's it, we can never both go somewhere together without the kids. I tried a couple of times for my sister to come over and watch them while I went somewhere but she couldn't handle and she is their Mother! Autistic kids can be hard to deal with sometimes and I could see other family members not wanting to deal with them. That's ok it's not their job it's mine.

Family is supposed to be there for each other and all that other stuff but lets face it just because someone shares your DNA doesn't make them family.

I try not to have any expectations from my family members so that way I'm not disappointed.

 

[Rosie]

Hello to everyone!

Raising a family can be hard work and we never really know if we get it right. How great it must be to have the luxury of being understood and accepted by just a few of those who share our lives!

I have had very little family support with regard to my DS who has Aspergers and ADD. My MiL and FiL say there is nothing much different about my DS - but they don't ever want to spend any time with him. I am never going to change their minds..

I concentrate on the younger members of the family - those around the age of my own kids in particular. I regularly have my neice 14 and nephew 11 to stay over and we always make sure that we explain fully why their cousin does some of the things that they find different. I really believe that by helping my DS form good relationships with family who are his age he will be understood and loved by them for who he is.

Keep smiling and don't let it get you down

Rosie