Smelly friends....tell them, or not ??

[Shannone1]

I'm not being funny here....serious problem.

I have a friend(one of my best friends for 13 years now) who is going through a lot in her life. Talking about finally divorcing abusive alcoholic husband (in serious denial), she is depressed and in therapy, 3 kids are in therapy because of parents constant fighting, police have been called, oldest son is rebeling and grades are slipping, etc. You get the picture...my friend's life is falling apart these days.

Now her house has always been *messy*, but never *dirty* if you know what I mean. These days there is dirty dishes left for days all over the kitchen, overflowing kitty litters, mildew in the bathroom, so much dog and cat fur that you can't see the rugs, dust on everything, you can't see the counters or dining room table anymore. The boys eat standing up in the kitchen and they sleep on their dirty, bare mattresses with loose sheets over them.

They came out today for a visit and they smelled HORRIBLE . They literally stunk up the house. After they left we had to open up windows and light candles. I don't even know what the smell was....unwashed people/dirty laundry, I don't know This is the second time we've seen them in the last two months and had the same problem last time.

Our mutual friends have noticed and commented about the smell too. We don't know what to do about it though. I am in favor of taking her by the shoulders and saying "look we love you, but your house is a disaster and you need to fix it...it's not healthy for you OR your kids". I think some tough love may be in order to snap her out of it. My other friend wants to ignore it and not say anything.

I am worried about my friend and not sure what to do. I know if it was me I would want someone to say something to me. I might need someone to say out loud to me what I already knew in my mind but didn't want to face. But on the other hand I don't want to lose her friendship.

What would YOU do in this situation ??

 

[BigDaddyRog]

I think it might be one of the hardest things in the world to do....but I think it might be neccessary. Would I do it??? Hmmmm, I might not have the balls to do it, but it SHOULD be done. It might hurt her feelings at first..maybe for some time....but at some point she will have to face it, and the sooner the better. Sometimes being a good friend doesnt mean being nice all the time.

Being a fat guy...I sweat alot and get pretty rancid, and to top it off...I have NO SENSE OF SMELL!!! So I cant raise my arm and sniff my pit to see if Im passable...so I have to force my pits onto my wifes nose!!!! I really DO have to depend on her honesty...although her usual response is "If you have to ask, the answers probably YES!!" And thats absolutely true, but Im always hoping for a "no, you smell fine!"...I RARELY get it, but Im always hoping!!! Maybe youre friend is silently hoping for a "No, you smell fine", and needs to be redirected. If she's in the process of a divorce..Im sure she's wanting SOMEKIND of revenge for SOMETHING the husband did to her at somepoint.....maybe you could slide your constructive critism in on THAT level. "The GREATEST revenge is living well, not going to hell....clean up your act...LITERALLY, and your house....AND YOUR KIDS!!! You'll be less depressed, and that SOB thats no longer in the picture will look back and wonder why he messed up such a good thing. But the way things are right now, you'll just make him glad to be gone."

 

[ftwildernessguy]

That level of a change in behavior is pretty classic for clinical depression. You may risk the friendship, but saying nothing may be much worse. She should contact her county mental health department to check on what free counselling may be available to her.

 

[lucy_love]

I would approach her, but be careful of your word choices. Since she is depressed, you don't want to make things worst. I would definently say something to her, but tell her that you are there for her and you will help her and stick with her through this time. The last thing she needs is for a close friend to leave her. Also, if/when you do say something make sure you say it alone otherwise she might feel attacked or embarassed. My heart really goes out to her. I hope she can start feeling better about her life. What she really needs is someone who cares about her. I am no psychologist but I have delt with depressed friends befor so good luck, and keep us posted.

I will send her some fairy dust!

 

[Marek 4]

There are children involved - someone needs to advocate for them. I know you are concerned about the friendship, but I think the health and welfare of the children involved need to take priority over the risk of damaging a friendship. In the long run, a true friendship will survive.

 

[drafthorsecrazy]

Not only bring it to her attention but go armed and ready to help her! Obviously she is feeling low and depressed. When one is depressed they do not have the desire or the ENERGY to help themselves. It may be too big a task for her right now to do on her own. If possible get together with a few good mutual friends and have an intervention and house cleaning party. Bring some party beverages for when the work is all done. Leave the men at home--this might be a good time for her to "vent" against men in general.

 

[Shannone1]

Sometimes being a good friend doesnt mean being nice all the time.

I agree...I've never had to confront one in the past though like this. I've never even been in a big fight with a friend. I'm usually the one who goes out of her way to BE nice to people...so *wanting* to say something tough is a lot easier than getting the words out of my mouth.

That level of a change in behavior is pretty classic for clinical depression.

She has been seeing a therapist for the last 4 months and is on anti-depressants. She has been very open with our circle of friends about it. I don't know how long it takes for the pills to work, or if the therapy is helping at all. She seems to be getting worse, not better.

Also, if/when you do say something make sure you say it alone otherwise she might feel attacked or embarassed.

I will send her some fairy dust!

Exactly. I would be MORTIFIED if someone told me that my family/house reeks !! I would try to distance myself and take care of it on my own. I would also be too embarrassed to hang out with that group of friends in case any of the rest of them felt that way too. The last thing I want to do is push her away and make her feel even more alone.

Thanks for the fairy dust.

There are children involved - someone needs to advocate for them.

I know and that is why I am so bothered. Those kids are in the middle of screaming matches everyday. Their dad doesn't do ANYTHING with them and sucks down a 12 pack of beer after work EVERY night, their mom yells all the time and is super stressed out. They don't do any family activities, their grades and slipping, their house is filthy and now they smell really bad. And the police have been called out to the house because of the fighting. The boys are in therapy but that isn't doing anything to change the behavior in the house. I want my friend to put her foot down and decide for sure that she NEEDS a divorce. The only thing stopping her is money. She doesn't work and they are struggling to get by as it is. So this cycle is never ending. It isn't healthy for the boys, or her to be in that situation. My friend NEEDS to get herself together and clean up her life, literally !!

If possible get together with a few good mutual friends and have an intervention and house cleaning party.

I like this idea and have talked to a couple of our friends. They are very non-commital about it though.

 

[tellnotails]

Not only bring it to her attention but go armed and ready to help her! Obviously she is feeling low and depressed. When one is depressed they do not have the desire or the ENERGY to help themselves. It may be too big a task for her right now to do on her own. If possible get together with a few good mutual friends and have an intervention and house cleaning party. Bring some party beverages for when the work is all done. Leave the men at home--this might be a good time for her to "vent" against men in general.

ya nailed it........

 

[ntsammy5]

Not only bring it to her attention but go armed and ready to help her!

I agree with that. If she's a really good friend offer to help. It'll be tough, but in the long run might actually help.

My wife works for child protective services and having a house like that can be cause for removing children. It happens quite often. Teachers are generally the ones to make a report. Good luck.

 

[We4mickey]

I would definately get your group of friends together and hit the house full steam. Sometimes when it gets that bad, people are just too overwhelmed by it all to know where to start. You do have to say something, at least I would. It's not healthy for anyone to live in those conditions.

 

[des1954]

I would definately get your group of friends together and hit the house full steam. Sometimes when it gets that bad, people are just too overwhelmed by it all to know where to start. You do have to say something, at least I would. It's not healthy for anyone to live in those conditions.

I'm in total agreement. Get a group of close friends togehter and have a "work-bee" at her house. Don't forget to do a little pot-luck meal with beverages, paper plates, etc, etc, etc. Depression drains you not only emotionally, but physically. She probably can NOT find the where-with-all to do anything. Go, give her a "hand-up". Just getting her surroundings clean and back in order may help her in ways you can't imagine.

You're a good friend for caring about her. Keep it up, Shannone!

 

[JPG]

Church-Seek The Lord.