Sibiling Rivalry...when to stop it? (long)

[onecoolmama]

Ok. My mom and I argue about this all the time and I would love some feed back.

My brother and I had all the sibiling rivalry..he was 3 years older then me. But, I dont see it as just normall sibiling rivalry..I think he was boarderline abusive.

For exmaple: I was in third grade and he was in 6th..he punch my nose so hard on Halloween, blood exploded everywhere, ruined my cosutme and I had a black and blue face for a few days. He was still allowed to go to his dance that night.

One time, he was "babysitting" he locked me in the basement and forgot about me for 5 hours. (I was 8 so he was 11.)

Another time I was 15 he was 18, we were both standing in front of the fridge and he told me to get him juice. I told him to get it himself..bam..punched in the face. The thing is..these "incidents" happened a lot over the years.

My dad says when we were little and my bother was punching me..I didnt win but I put up a good fight. My mom claims it was just nomral sibiling fighting...what do you all think?

 

[zakatak]

I would never put up with that. That was abusive. How is your brother now? Is he married?

I stop my kids at nasty words or phrases and definitetly at physical violence. They aren't even allowed to threaten each other.

I grew up with my sisters tormenting me with names (scum, pygmy, etc...) as well as sexual abuse and now have the lowest self esteem that is possible and no relationship at all with them. People do not change. What they do while growing up, I believe, they tend to do as adults also.

I am sorry that happened to you. It was wrong and shouldn't have been allowed to happen.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sibling rivalry is jealous competition for the affections of the parents. (Negative or positive, doesn't matter)

I would say that if you retaliated in a like manner to exact revenge on him then I could say it was sibling rivalry.
Did you go out of your way to "make him pay"?

If not, and you lived in fear of him then I would say "abuse".

Either way that is just awful to have to have put up with that.

 

[onecoolmama]

Nope. My dad was saying I could defend myself ok...never won, but enough to "hold my own." As far as would I retailate..no. When he was in high school, I was in 7-8th grade, he would pin me down and spit cookie crumbs in in face. So one time, I put mayo under his car handle. When he went to pull the door open, he had mayo all over his hands...but I was three years younger..so I couldnt fight him with the punches and stuff.

My brother is 30 years old...and no he is not married.

 

[Rajah]

Um, no. I'd count that as a bit more than rivalry. I'd consider that abusive, and -- sorry for saying so -- I hope he never gets married.

 

[Pooh67_68]

I too think that he was abusive and I also think that your parents should have done something. I feel for any girl who gets involved with him.

 

[CEDmom]

What you described goes way beyond sibling rivalry. It's abuse. I have 3 older brothers and we had our share of clashes over the years but nothing close to what you're describing. We weren't allowed to get physical with one another without consequences. This was more because more brothers would wrestle with one another and sometimes break something. They'd never get away with hitting me or each other no matter what the other one did. Your parents need to realize they did both of you a get diservice by allowing that behavior.

 

[Nette]

my younger (but bigger) brother was abusive like this too until one day my mother's BF (husband now) gave him whatfor.

What you are describing is abuse. Plain and simple.

 

[Melora]

No Way do I think any of that is OK...

I have 5 kids and they would never have been allowed to hit, punch or even say nasty things to each other.

I think your parents did not do a good job if they allowed that to happen.

I think your mother saying its is "normal" is one of the ways our society creates people who are violent or apathetic towards others.

Nothing is normal about hitting your sibling like you describe.

With 5 kids the only thing I remember is my oldest DD biting younger DD on the finger.... oldest (about 4) was crying (loudly), her mouth wide open, younger DD (about 3) stuck her finger in her open mouth and older one bit down.. thats the worst violence we ever had.

My oldest is a boy and he NEVER hit the girls.

Its so sad to me that people think that sort of thing is normal.... it isn't!

 

[Keli]

Your parents were way off base in my opinion in feeling like you could defend yourself and therefore they didn't need to intervene. I don't think parents should allow their children to physically harm each other and they should do what it takes to put a stop to that.

 

[iamsorcerermickey]

This is not "normal" sibling rivalry. He is abusive--period.

Whether you could "hold your own" has nothing to do with the fact that your family is not being truthful here.

I've seen/heard of kids playing around, and things getting a little rough. The kids are wrestling and someone gets elbowed in the face or whatever.

But when it gets to a point where someone forgot they locked their younger sister in a basement for 5 hours, or punched her in the nose because she would not get him some juice then I would say he needs some serious help.

You stated that: "The thing is..these "incidents" happened a lot over the years". You are 27 now and you are still having a problem with the way your brother treated you (or possibly even treats you to this day as you do not say otherwise, but something must have triggered this post)

You mentioned he was 30 years old and not married--Gee I wonder why? Abusive--I'm thinking--yes.

 

[Kimberle]

Abuse, pure & simple.

Siblings should NEVER be allowed to lay a hand on each other.

You're parents should have "stepped in". Sound like they were (still are) indenyal.

 

[4greatboys]

Karen and onecoolmama. No way is either instance sibling rivalry. Its about some mean and abusive kids. If one of my kids punched the other in the nose like that or continually put them down they would be in for some major grounding and losing all they enjoyed (ie video games, comp time, etc).
onecoolmama I cannot believe your parents felt that was normal. It is not.
Now believe me with 4 boys we do have some fighting going on here. But people get sent to their rooms and then they decide they want to be civilized--but its has never come to a bloody nose or the like.
I would steer clear of him even now. You dont want you kids around someone who is that mean and abusive. I think I'd also be concerned about having my kids spending time with grandparents who think that type of behavior is okay.
Im so sorry that you both had to go through this type of childhood

 

[Trish5768]

It was abuse. My DS's have been taught that they never, ever lay a hand on a girl/woman no matter what and that they need to respect woman.

We don't condone any kind of violence. If you have a cure for the bickering, tattling and or arguing - let me know.

I'm truly sorry you had to go thru this, thats just awful.

 

[Serena]

I'm sorry, but that isn't normal at all. I think maybe she just didn't know how to deal with it, was she afraid of him too?

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. But I would try not to talk about it with them. I'm just a stranger online, but I can see your parents denying they did anything wrong and you defending yourself, and them never seeing the harm they caused. As for your brother, he was old enough to know better, has he ever apologized to you?

 

[TiggerPiglet]

I'm assuming you're a woman, and the fact that your parents said you held your own against a boy three years older than you is insane. My brother was prohibited from hitting my sister and I and he was younger than us. My father always told him, you NEVER hit a girl. Sibling rivalry to me is calling each other names, trying to get on a parents' good side, maybe lying about a sibling calling you a name to get the other in trouble, but certainly not punching each other in the face, or holding them down and spitting in their face.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this and didn't have your parents to defend you against your brother, but you are definitely right that your brother went too far.

 

[peg2001]

I'm going to share the following because I think it may help give a different perspective. I don't agree with all the posts that "laying a hand" on one another is beyond sibling rivalry and automatically abusive. That said, I do think the situation the OP has described was abuse.

I grew up with 6 siblings. There was 4 boys and 3 girls and we fought physically with one another. We hit, slapped, pinched, punched, wrestled, pulled hair, kicked, tackled, tickled, and even tied each other up with ropes. Despite it all, I can not remember a single instance of anyone punching another in the face! We knew better than to go too far, because we could always round up a few more siblings to help us extract revenge.

I'd call what we had normal sibling rivalry because now that we are all adults, we get along fine with no hard feelings left over from childhood.

Peggy

 

[TigerBear]

Originally posted by onecoolmama
Another time I was 15 he was 18, we were both standing in front of the fridge and he told me to get him juice. I told him to get it himself..bam..punched in the face.

At 18 this is hardly sibling rivalry. He was an adult when he punched you. He could, and maybe should, have been charged with assault.

Edited to add that I am very sorry your parents have not supported you over the years.

 

[onecoolmama]

I wanted to say thanks for the support! I thought maybe I was going crazy there!

To address some of the questions...

iamsorcerormickey - No it is not still going on. He lives his life and I mine. The reason it came up...my kids got snowed in at my mom's this week. Nico(3) pushed Julie(16mo) and she hit her face on the corner of the wall. Huge bump and a little blood coming from her head. I called the doctor, she said ice and motrin. When my mom had gotten Julie settled I asked where Nico was. She told me Nico was playing on the computer...I said, "how long was he on time out "and she said "never." He didnt need a time out because he told her sorry after my mom told him to. That brought me to this question. I thought about what I went through and not that Nico knew what he was doing..he is 3, but I still think a Time Out was called for.

Serena - You asked if he ever apologized. Yes. One time he said to me..Bernadette, I know I wasn't the nicest to you while we were growing up.." I think that is the best I am going to get.

Like I said, my problem isn't as much with my brother as it was with my mom. She used to send him to yell at me about bad grades, and he would go into these raging screaming fits. When I told my mom that my brother was not my fahter she said he screams and yells becuase he cares.

I know in my heart that I can NEVER change my mom's veiws. But at least now I know that I am not crazy to think that "sibling rivarly is not beating each other to the point where you have bruises for life! (just one on my arm!)