Should I "force" my kids to show affection to their elderly relatives? Help!

[HappyMommy2]

Hi!

Unfortunately we live far from our grandparents and other extended family (we're military), so our kids (ages 4 and 2) only get to see those dear folks once a year or so. On the last couple of visits we've encountered a little problem: several of the kids' elderly great-grandparents were VERY much hoping that our boys would hug them, sit on their laps, kiss them, etc. and despite all our sweet-talking the boys just shied away and refused. I can't blame the kids--they're very affectionate to people they know and are around often, but not to "strangers"--but it made me sad to see these elderly relatives so sorely disappointed. DH and MIL seemed to feel that I should give the kids (at least our 4-year-old, who does know how to obey most of the time) a firm talking-to and maybe some threatened consequences (such as "you'll get a big time-out if you don't hug Great-Grandma!") but
I just couldn't do it. Should I have? Does anyone have some tips on handling this type of situation?

Thanks for listening,
Janet

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

We had this problem with our daughter when she was quite small and the solution was so easy!
We dug out all the photos of these relatives and talked about them often, sharing the pictures with our daughter. It really helped her be familiar with what they looked like, and as much as we could we talked affectionately about those folks.

So lots of pictures and lots of family reminicing about these relatives helped her "know" them before she got to meet them! We used the technique if it was a long time between visits as well.

Worked like a charm!

I hope it works for you too.

 

[NHAnn]

I think HMG's idea is a great one. I also think it helps kids to feel familiar/comfortable if there are other types of contact in addition to photos...I mean phone calls, letters, exchange of little token gifts. "Here's a thank you note from Great Gramma....remember you helped me pick out the XXX to send for her birthday?" I don't think kids so small should be "forced" to show physical affection to a person who is, to them, in effect somewhat of a "stranger". Respect yes as they grow past toddlerhood....big hugs and kisses no...I don't blame you one bit for not disciplining them.

Good luck, hope it works out for you!

 

[Keli]

My sister was in a similar circumstance with her sons since she lived a bit further away from most of our family. She ended up getting/taking pictures of each family member that she wanted her boys to 'know' and framed the pics and set them up on their mantel. Then every morning they would go over to the mantle and name each person in the pics and talk about them for a few minutes. It really helped her boys to be more comfortable around extended family when they visited because they already knew who each person was and something about them.

I did 'make' my dd Ashli hug elderly family members (well, actually all family members that wanted one) when we visited. I didn't make her kiss them or sit on their laps but she knew ahead of time that if Great Grandma asked for a hug that she should step forward immediately and give her one. That being said, I do not have a disfunctional family or family members that I wouldn't want my child to hug. I can see in some families there are situations that make that not a good plan and in those situations it certainly makes sense for a parent to have different rules.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No I do not believe in "forced" affection. I think they expected too much from the kids as they have only seen them a couple of times.
Maybe do some of the things suggested in order that your kids will get to "know" them for next time.

 

[jipsy]

Well, I'm the "Gammy" who lives far away. No, you should never force your children to give "Gammy" a hug or kiss, regardless of what they say. I can tell you though, that what the grandparents are really feeling is a bit of guilt for not living closer so that the grandkids know who they are.

HMG gives some good advice - help them to know who Gammy and Grampy are by showing photos, talking about them and what they do for a living, where they live, funny stories, etc. Make sure the kids know how much Gammy and Grampy are loved. Try to get your kids to send them homemade cards - birthday, holidays, anything, if possible. Make sure anytime Gammy and Grampy are on the phone, the kids get to say hi.

And, on the flip side, when the kids aren't around or perhaps in a letter or on the phone, explain to Gammy and Grampy that the kids would probably be more "affectionate" if the same was reciprocal from them - phone calls, letters with stories, pictures of where they live, postcards from where they go, etc. It doesn't have to be gifts of money; it should be something to help the grandkids relate to the grandparents.

My greatest gift this past Christmas was my two year old grandson getting on the phone with me. My son said "Tell Gammy Merry Christmas" and my grandson said:

JINGLE BELLS! GAMMY!

 

[DisneyObsessed]

Definitely no! My mother was known as *the kissing bug* at all kinds of get togethers, family and social. Everyone expected me to be the same way and I never was. My mother would always try to push me, "oh come on, give them a hug and a kiss, don't be like that, what's wrong with you." It was awful. Someday, if your kids feel comfortable enough to show affection, then they will.

 

[MAGICinMYHEART]

Should I "force" my kids to show affection to their elderly relatives?

No, I don't think any child should be forced to show affection. I feel it sends mixed messages when you tell them that they should be careful around strangers...The other posters have given many good suggestions.

I am around my nephews all the time and we have a very close family but I always say, "I NEED A HUG" most of the times I receive many hugs, sometimes I don't. I always ASK for a kiss, if they hesitate I say that's OK maybe next time. They must feel like they always have the right not to show affection.

 

[disykat]

No I don't think you should make them - just explain that your kids take a while to warm up. Maybe you can have them do some artwork at home to give to them to sort of smooth over the greeting/goodbye process. My oldest was shy and wouldn't have hugged no matter how many pictures I showed him. My younger son is NOT shy and still refuses to hug. I have to tell you though, how he handled this issue once....

After my brother's wedding my new SIL's mother was teasing and asking my then four year old for a kiss. He didn't want to kiss her so she suggested a hug. He still said no so she suggested a handshake. Much to my embarassment he said "no, but I'll show you my underwear!". Fortunately I caught him before he stripped - I have no doubt he would have! Kids - gotta love em!

 

[aprilgail2]

I have this problem with a few of my relatives, they think my 4 year old daughter should be giving htem hugs and kisses hello and goodbye and I will NOT force her to do that...it would only send the message to her that forced affection is OK and I will not do that to her!

 

[shortbun]

Try the picture idea! We do it too and sometimes it helps.
Also, if there's no pressure, sometimes kids come up with
that kind of affection on their own. It's sooo much nicer then.
I've also found it helps if those relatives spend some 1 on 1
time with the kids playing a game like "GO Fish" or "hide and
seek" with really little ones-"Peek a Boo" and reading a book
are always good. Little ones will snuggle right up if their favorite book is being read(sometimes) Time invested sometimes reaps hugs and kisses. Works for me

btw-my 8yo DS has confided that "old people are scary looking."
I hope I remember that in a few years when I'm an old person-
lol.

 

[CEDmom]

I think children should be pleasant to anyone who comes into their home or they visit (i.e. hello, it's nice to see you, thank-you for coming etc). I don't think children s/b made to show affection (hugs, kisses etc) unless it's of their choosing. I think if you let the child take the lead their actions may surprise you. By forcing a child you're not going to get them to do it anyone and it's going to be a bad scene all around.

Our DD only sees my MIL a few times a year. Sometimes after she's said her initial hello she's very aloof but other times she's really interacting. One thing we do to try to keep a relationship going is for DD to make my MIL pictures which we send her from time to time. Also DH will have DD talk to my MIL on the phone occasionally which also helps.

Finally, elderly people can be quite frightening for young children. They might even be scared to be around them.

 

[phillybeth]

I remember being scared of my dad's Aunt Josephine when I was little- she looked like a witch! Hooked nose, big mole on her face. She must have had scoliosis too since she was all bent over. I remember hiding under my grandmother's kitchen table to get away from her.
As I got older though, I realized what a sweet lady whe was (and BTW, she knew she scared us kids and didn't try to force any physical affection).

 

[HappyMommy2]

How nice to log on this morning and find all these great responses! I appreciate all the tips and encouragement everyone gave; thanks so much.

Before our next visit I'm going to do a better job of showing the kids pictures of their great-grandparents, making a few phone calls, etc. and maybe that'll help a bit.

Thanks again,
Janet

 

[peg2001]

What I used to do was hold DD in one arm and give the relative a hug myself with the other arm. No hurt feelings and DD felt safe and secure.

Peggy

 

[tigercat]

HMG that is exactly what my neice has done with her 2 boys. It's funny though because one of my other neice has never given her pictures of her 2 kids and the 2 boys are not as comfortable with them. Since me neice really spent time going over the pictures the boys couldn't wait to see my 2 dgrdd's as well as myself. As for older people being scary I guess it has helped my 2 dgrdd's do Meals on Wheels with me. They both started when they were 3 1/4 - 4 and they are fine with the older set. I think it did them a world of good, actually I know it did as my oldest told me that very thing over Christmas.
tigercat