School Bullying

xipotec

Grinning Ghosts
Joined
Feb 16, 2011
I could ise some advice encourgment.

My daughter , now in 8th grade is being bullied. She recently changed her look to a short boy cut, (which many girls are doing) and she it quute the tom boy.

The boys at her school are calling her all kinds of gay slurs. Shes so upset she says she has thought of harming herself. Shes a straight A student and very sensistive to people liking her.

She has a few close friends , and we are a very tight family.

Not sure what to do.

Has anyone had experience with this? How did you handle it?
 

mommasita

DIS VETERAN
Moderator
Joined
Aug 3, 2004
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, more than you know. My heart aches for what your daughter is enduring. The fact she is confiding in you is good.

I would start wit the school, make sure they are aware of what is going on, give them a chance to set this straight. Get the counsellor involved as well, and if there none, get some help of your own.

I lost a daughter, and only after did I find out about bullying and her harming herself. Please take it seriously. Knowing what I know now, I would have raised the roof, and either changed schools, or home schooled her
 

Ladyandthepuppies

Mouseketeer
Joined
Jul 12, 2017
I would try to make her time with you as loving and happy as possible and build her self-esteem up as much as you can, while giving her coping strategies and lots of talks about how to handle bullying. I'm not sure that getting school administration involved is going to make things any easier for your daughter, if she gets singled out or the kids get in trouble specifically over her it could make things worse.

I mean this with as much empathy as possible... bullying is horrible but many kids have endured and overcome it. Don't get me wrong, I would be absolutely livid and such a mama bear in this situation. Please keep a close eye on your child and protect her as much as you can. But unfortunately, kids can be mean. You may have better control and influence of the situation if you focus on your daughter's response and not how to stop the other kids.
 
  • marcyleecorgan

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 12, 2017
    Subtly find ways to show her all the amazing and successful women with short hair. Show her how many celebrities go with short hair for a different look.
    Also remind her, it's just hair, it grows back! She can wear fun wigs, she can add extensions, hair is just a way we express ourselves.

    Take the harassment to the administration and teachers with an emphasis on how sexual the bullying has become. Teasing, "you look like a boy" is an entirely different matter than slinging slurs about one's possible sexual orientation. Get the local LGBT groups involved because even if your daughter is heterosexual, this kind of dialogue is damaging and hate-filled to everyone, no matter their orientation. It is inappropriate for anyone to be giving anyone grief about what they do with their bodies unless they ALSO want judgement returned back upon them ; teenagers simply must learn this lesson before they go out into the world and find out that many adults don't tolerate this nonsense very well.
     

    xipotec

    Grinning Ghosts
    Joined
    Feb 16, 2011
    Thanks guys, so sorry to hear about your Tragedy mama...

    I am trying to not gonup to the school and start being loud and aggressive, as I dont want to get into trouble and make things worse.

    We had a long talk about it, and Intold her if she wants to change schools or home school it can be arrainged. I am also trying to teach her that people can and will be mean to her in life, and its about how you react and deal with it internally.

    But the Dad in me wants to find these little punks and make thier lives hell.
     

    DLgal

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 12, 2013
    As a 40 year old woman who has had short hair, long hair, and everything in between, and who was and is ALSO a tomboy, and who was ALSO bullied in school mercilessly, please tell your daughter that THOSE PEOPLE WHO BULLY HER DO NOT MATTER. Tell her until you turn blue in the face. Remind her that the people that matter, love her unconditionally. They will stick by her because they think she is awesome, and a good person, and a smart girl who is going to make something of herself. Her real friends won't care what she wears or how she does her hair. They will be her friends because they find her company valuable, because she makes them laugh, or she is sympathetic, or she is a great listener, or a natural leader.

    Your daughter's haircut is an expression of who she is, but short hair has as much to do with sexuality as the color of ones skin does (which is to say, NOTHING at all to do with it). Those boys are insecure morons who feel intimidated by strong women who don't give a flip about what others think, and they are trying to tear her down to take away her power. Don't let them do that.

    I worry that your daughter cares about what others think of her. That is a recipe for a very unhappy life. Perhaps you can find some ways to build up her self esteem so that she can feel awesome for who she is, without needing validation from others. I was able to get through the hard years of school, because I honestly did not (and still don't) care what others think about me.

    I met my husband with a pixie cut 20 years ago. He loves short hair on women and the times I have grown it out, he hasn't really been a fan. He much prefers short hair on me. And, honestly, it looks amazing on me. Not everyone can pull off short hair, but if your daughter can, and she likes it, she should embrace it and to hell with anyone who thinks it somehow reflects on her sexuality (and even then, if she is gay, so what?).

    All those people who bullied me in school grew up to be losers. All of them.

    They don't matter. They don't matter. They. Don't. Matter.
     

    DLgal

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 12, 2013
    I would take this up with the school, though. You don't need to get loud and make a scene. But they need to know this is happening. Schools should have a plan for this kind of thing, and most take bullying very seriously. You don't have to give names, and in fact, it is best that you don't. But you can speak in general terms and this way the school will be forced into addressing the issue school wide, to reiterate their policy on the matter and to make it known that bullying will not be tolerated. And, if the school fails to do this, and your daughter is truly suffering, pull her out of that school and escalate the matter to the district.
     
  • indoshakespeare

    Reach out and find your Happily Ever After
    Joined
    Jun 7, 2011
    is it possible to talk to the bullies' parents? maybe they can tell their kids to knock it off
     

    DisneyOma

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 27, 2015
    What state/country are we talking about here? At the school district I work at we have training and mandatory policies for bullying intervention and prevention.

    If your daughter is getting bullied at school by then all means take it up with the school! How else are those bullies going to be dealt with?
     

    Jeniferdwn

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Sep 21, 2010
    I have been through bullying with my daughter when she was younger. SHe was called "fatty" and it upset her so bad that she wouldn't eat at school for awhile. Thankfully she is older and is more popular and has lots of friends, so the bulling has stopped. Now I've been going through this with my son for 3 years now, at elementary and intermediate school. I work at the first school he had trouble at and the ones that have bullied him the last two years at his second school are staff/teachers kids from the school I work at. I have been to both schools and I've been to the parents. The schools have a no bully policy, but it doesn't mean anything. Ones answer I always get is that the teachers or a staff member has to hear the students doing the bulllying. He has been called gay and has been told they would beat him up and they would kill him. It's so hard to know what to do because like someone already said, the kids don't want you to make a fuss because then they get picked on even worse. We try to teach him to be kind to others and don't worry about what they say.
    This Christmas he had asked for a certain type of jacket. Santa had him one, but he didn't know it. He asked could he get a gift for his best friend at school. I said of course. He told me that his friend didn't always smell clean and his clothes weren't always nice. His jacket was old and stained and ripped. He asked could he get that jacket for his friend instead of for himself. He said he wanted his friend to have a good christmas and to be warm. We of course let him get his friend the jacket and when he took it, his friend took off his old jacket and threw it in the garbage and put on the new one. This act of kindness from an 11 yr old boy, was made fun of. They called him gay for buying a jacket for another boy. I have gay friends that we just love and he knows what it means. He doesn't take offense at the word in particular, but just to be made fun of for trying to help a friend and for being so kind is ridiculous and really hurt him. He's very tender hearted like me and would never hurt someone else. Children can be mean and cruel and they have no idea how they affect others and hurt others!
     

    Toolulu22

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 22, 2015
    The school where I work has a center where students go to deal with such issues. Does your daughter’s school have any sort of resource in school to which she can reach out for support?
     
  • Haimia

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Jan 28, 2010
    This Christmas he had asked for a certain type of jacket. Santa had him one, but he didn't know it. He asked could he get a gift for his best friend at school. I said of course. He told me that his friend didn't always smell clean and his clothes weren't always nice. His jacket was old and stained and ripped. He asked could he get that jacket for his friend instead of for himself. He said he wanted his friend to have a good christmas and to be warm. We of course let him get his friend the jacket and when he took it, his friend took off his old jacket and threw it in the garbage and put on the new one. This act of kindness from an 11 yr old boy, was made fun of. They called him gay for buying a jacket for another boy. I have gay friends that we just love and he knows what it means. He doesn't take offense at the word in particular, but just to be made fun of for trying to help a friend and for being so kind is ridiculous and really hurt him. He's very tender hearted like me and would never hurt someone else. Children can be mean and cruel and they have no idea how they affect others and hurt others!
    What a WONDERFUL gesture by a very young gentleman! You tell him he did a great, very unselfish, thing for his friend for Christmas!
     

    weewuvvdisney

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jun 14, 2008
    Our daughter was bullied in high school and although we are close and talk, a lot, she never let on. It was only when she was in college that we noticed a change in her. One night she came home late and we called her on it and she yelled at us "You don't know the half of it" and I yelled back "So tell us". She finally told us about the bullying and that she was started to cut herself. A couple of days later we asked if she wanted to see her Doctor. She didn't but a few days later, she said that she would. Went to the doctor who referred us to a Psychologist at the doctors office. First visit we went with her but waited outside. Next visit she went alone. Then had one with us and then a couple with her boyfriend. She went for a while by herself and was feeling better. DD decided when it was time to stop the visits. We told her that at any time she felt she needed to go back, all she had to do was make the appointment or ask us to make one. This was 5 years ago and things have been much better.

    Seeing the Psychologist was the best thing for her and us. It was hard when she came home from a visit not to ask how it went but we made in through.

    Op, maybe your daughter would benefit from some help?
     

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