Sad situation for kids

[Pooh's Pixie]

My DS is in third grade. There is a girl in his class whose father is dying of cancer, not expected to make the week. As room parent, we have already been doing meals from classroom parents once a week for the family. Now that the passing is imminent, do any of you have suggestions on things we could do for the family? I feel so badly for these kids and the mom. Such a sad situation. Any suggestions from DISers would be appreciated. I figure some of you out there may have come across this issue (sadly) before.
Thanks.

 

[perdidobay]

When I was a girl scout troop leader, our brownie troop was asked to help another brownie troop's member whose Mom was dying with a brain tumor.
Besides bringing food, the other things we did was arrange play dates for the child, so the Dad could have time to go make arrangements, and after the Mom's death, we also made sure the girl had plenty to do with other girls and the troops paid any fees or expenses for activities.
Hugs to you and the child's family

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

When I was in 5th grade, my dad died of cancer. The teachers had all of the students make me sympathy cards. I still have these cards more than 20 years later, all preserved in a box. It was a precious thing to me to know that the other kids knew my situation and wanted so much to cheer me up.

Looking back at that time, I appreciate that there was not an awkwardness with my classmates wondering if they knew. They all knew, and that was the end of it.

I think it's great that you have all been helping the family out already. What a nice group of parents at your school!

 

[DisneyPhD]

So sad for that family.

Right now my only advice is not to disappear after the funeral. My SIL died of breast cancer almost 10 years ago. Her children were 6, 5 and 2 years old. When she was sick there where a lot of people willing to help out. After she died so many people just couldn't handle it and stopped being there for my brother and his kids, when they needed it the most. Years later he still has some friends who are there for him and the kids, and some that just disappeared. The ones that have always been there I am so grateful for. When she was sick and died I think a lot of people helped out to make themselves feel better. Once it didn't hurt so much for themselves the stopped. The thing is as much as this hurts for the family now, it is going to continue to more in the future as the kids grow. The mother and kids are going to need support then too.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

think of some little things -- like valentine's day is coming up. Help the child get her valentines for the class party. It may not be a high priority for the mom right now but make sure that child is included in her class party.

 

[Demomma]

I am a nurse that has done quite a bit of hospice work, professionally and personally. The best thing to do would be to do something age appropriate that all ( or most if there is an infant/toddler) the children in the family can understand. Being there just for friendship and support is foremost, down the road dedicating a tree in a local park or collecting donations and giving it in the family's name on his behalf to a favorite facility/charity where the family gets a certificate of remembrance of the donation is also supportive. But the main priority is the remaining family - becoming a single parent so tragically is tough on everyone. Offer sleepovers, "Lawn Day's" in the spring, or just invite the family to join others for neighborhood gatherings will also be some long term options. Just remember - grief is individual and everyone expresses it differently. Silence to shouting - hospice grief counselors can be there to help them deal with their own processes.

They'll be in many prayers...

 

[GoofyArt]

My wife died last spring and I have received some unbelievable blessings for my two children (DS now 11, DD now 5). Some of the most meaningful help came from those who offered play dates for my kids - I didn't have to think of anything, they came and picked them up and brought them back. Sometimes people came to vist just with the kids and play with them while I worked around my house.

Other things have been frozen meals, help running kids to/from events like soccer games, or paid for a few hours of house cleaning. I was also recently given money, collected by my wife's former co-workers, to pay for a few weeks of the summer day camps for the children. Truly amazing.

Speaking from very recent experience their Mom is going to need as many breaks as possible, even if it is to do nothing but veg. I did a LOT of that - still do actually, when time permits which isn't often.

The possibilities are probably endless. Just don't be afraid to offer anything! I would never have thought to ask for help on specific items because I was just in too much shock and overwhealmed adjusting to single parent life.

What a wonderful and truly thoughtful thing you are considering. God Bless You!

Art

 

[Trish Bessette]

My wife died last spring and I have received some unbelievable blessings for my two children (DS now 11, DD now 5). Some of the most meaningful help came from those who offered play dates for my kids - I didn't have to think of anything, they came and picked them up and brought them back. Sometimes people came to vist just with the kids and play with them while I worked around my house.

Other things have been frozen meals, help running kids to/from events like soccer games, or paid for a few hours of house cleaning. I was also recently given money, collected by my wife's former co-workers, to pay for a few weeks of the summer day camps for the children. Truly amazing.

Speaking from very recent experience their Mom is going to need as many breaks as possible, even if it is to do nothing but veg. I did a LOT of that - still do actually, when time permits which isn't often.

The possibilities are probably endless. Just don't be afraid to offer anything! I would never have thought to ask for help on specific items because I was just in too much shock and overwhealmed adjusting to single parent life.

What a wonderful and truly thoughtful thing you are considering. God Bless You!

Art

Art - I'm glad you have wonderful people who surround you. Your post broke my heart. I hope with each day that goes by it gets a little better for you. Your in my prayers.

To the OP - I agree with "being there" many, many months/years after. Play dates sound like a wonderful thing to give the Mom a break. The world needs more caring people like you!

 

[CEDmom]

My heart goes out to this little girl and the rest of her family. I was in 3rd grade when my dad died so I can relate to what she's going through. I think the hardest thing is not the few weeks after a parent's death it's the months and even years after that can be so hard. The best thing you can do is not forget this family as the year goes on. In small ways just remember them. Every holiday and school function will be hard on her mom and just a kind word will mean the world to her and her DD.

Perhaps you could talk to some of the moms of this little girl and help arrange an outing for the kids to give the mom some time to get things done or go out with friends. If you know the mom inviting her for coffee while the kids play would also be nice.

 

[N&B'smom]

My wife died last spring and I have received some unbelievable blessings for my two children (DS now 11, DD now 5). Some of the most meaningful help came from those who offered play dates for my kids - I didn't have to think of anything, they came and picked them up and brought them back. Sometimes people came to vist just with the kids and play with them while I worked around my house.

Other things have been frozen meals, help running kids to/from events like soccer games, or paid for a few hours of house cleaning. I was also recently given money, collected by my wife's former co-workers, to pay for a few weeks of the summer day camps for the children. Truly amazing.

Speaking from very recent experience their Mom is going to need as many breaks as possible, even if it is to do nothing but veg. I did a LOT of that - still do actually, when time permits which isn't often.

The possibilities are probably endless. Just don't be afraid to offer anything! I would never have thought to ask for help on specific items because I was just in too much shock and overwhealmed adjusting to single parent life.

What a wonderful and truly thoughtful thing you are considering. God Bless You!

Art

Art - I'm so sorry to hear about this but it sounds like you're doing very well. I'm so glad you had so many people to support and help you!! That's wonderful!!!

As for this current situation, I think it's wonderful how involved you have been already. Just stay close to the family, as others have said, arrange for this child to have someone to play with, places to go, etc. And also, to echo what someone else said, don't disappear after the funeral. Keep going with all the kindness, make the family feel your support!! It's a very sad situation.

Shelby

 

[Pooh's Pixie]

You guys have been great. I appreciate the suggestions. It will be hard for them going forward, and you all seem to echo the "don't forget about them" idea. We will continue doing the meals once a week (we have parents signed up through March already!) and hopefully she (the Mom) will let us know what she needs. I love the idea of making sure the little things are done for the daughter, like the Valentine's cards, etc. I am sure there will be times like that to take care of. I will be in touch with the teacher to see if the kids will make sympathy cards, that is a nice idea.

GoofyArt, so sorry for your loss. Thanks for posting.

And 1prince2princesses, I know the teacher is speaking with the class today about it, so they will all know. I know what you mean about the awkwardness, I lost my own father when I was 5 and I remember going to a new school and realizing nobody knew that about me. With kids, that doesn't come up in regular conversation. It is very hard knowing you are the only kid with no father. So I am glad the teacher is talking to them so everyone will know.
Thank you all for your suggestions. Let me know if there are more.

 

[Frantasmic]

We had this happen just before Christmas break. A family of three
kids had a mother who lost a battle with melanoma.

Besides meals, some family collected money and took the kids
to purchase some nice Sunday clothes (i.e., funeral clothes).

Another group of us sent a nice spray of flowers to the
funeral. The leftover money was applied to their school
lunches.

Anything that will help the family as they face this
time of loss.

The funeral was attended by many students, about 40, and
many had not attended a funeral before. The family decided
against an open casket and that helped. The students
recited the 23rd Psalm during the service and it was really
a nice funeral.

 

[debbi801]

So sad. My heart goes out to that little girl and her family. Art, I am very sorry for your loss.

In addition to everything posted so far, maybe get a couple of people to volunteer to do laundry, run the vacuum, etc.

 

[chris1gill]

We have DD in grade 3, one of her classmates lost his Mom early last year, it was just tragic... The class all made cards for the boy for when he came back, I think the teachers were all quite wonderful, but obviously nothing makes up for the loss

Our son has a friend (now in grade 6), and he lost his mother while in grade 4, this poor kid has just completely lost himself.... Dad over compensates giving him everything due to the loss & now the loss has become a situation that's resulted in spoiling him...

There is no easy way, no magic word, no magic act, it is just an incomprehensible loss that will have a lifelong effect on the children

I'm sorry that your son's school mate is going through this...

 

[Disney Doll]

You might want to consider enlisting some of the fathers to be available for the children too...they do need a male influence, and maybe you can set up some sort of "handyman" service so that the mother can jot down things that need to be done around the house and once or twice a month, a few of the fathers who are handy will come over and fix them. Lawn care/landscaping is another thing that comes to mind. I know that I would have a very hard time maintaining my yard without DH's help...cutting the grass, spreading mulch, trimming trees and bushes etc...and hiring a lawn care service may not financially possible for a widow with children. If a few of you took turns with the lawn for a while, and helped with the spring and fall clean-up, that might be a big help.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

i don't have any advice, just wanted to say it is a wonderful thing you are doing!

 

[Tinkim]

So sad for that family.

Right now my only advice is not to disappear after the funeral. My SIL died of breast cancer almost 10 years ago. Her children were 6, 5 and 2 years old. When she was sick there where a lot of people willing to help out. After she died so many people just couldn't handle it and stopped being there for my brother and his kids, when they needed it the most. Years later he still has some friends who are there for him and the kids, and some that just disappeared. The ones that have always been there I am so grateful for. When she was sick and died I think a lot of people helped out to make themselves feel better. Once it didn't hurt so much for themselves the stopped. The thing is as much as this hurts for the family now, it is going to continue to more in the future as the kids grow. The mother and kids are going to need support then too.

This is wonderful advice. My best friend's DH died of cancer almost three years ago now. The girls were only 6 and 5 at the time. They had the same issue. Friends and family were around all the time to the point of being obnoxious when he was in the hospital and then after the funeral they all disappeared. In this case it was no great loss as far as I'm concerned because most of them did terrible things to his wife when he was dying and she lost her hosue and everything as a result of these people's actions but I know it had to hurt the kids deeply that their support system just suddenly disappeared when they needed it the most. I was really the only one who stuck around and a few of the others have started drifting back lately. The same thing happened to my mom after my dad passed. Everyone just stopped calling and coming over. If I heard one more person say "it's just too hard" I was going to lose it. I actually told off my friend's DH best friend because he actually said that after Joe died. I told him if it is that hard for you just imagine how hard it is for his wife and kids and stop being so selfish. They still aren't around and it just makes me sad for the kids.

I know it is really hard to know what to do or say but just be there as much as you can. Take them over something to eat and see if they just need to visit and talk. You are really a wonderful person to be thinking about what happens after and what you can do to ease their pain just a little. to you and the kids.

 

[Pooh's Pixie]

Thank you all. You are giving great ideas & advice. Just wanted to give this a bump for the evening crowd!!!