RUMSFELD: U.S. IN CONTROL OF TOUCH FOOTBALL GIRLS
Pockets of Hazing May Still Exist, Defense Secretary Warns
Days after a brawl broke out during an annual girls Powderpuff football game at Glenbrook North High School in suburban Chicago, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld announced that U.S. forces were now in control of the hazing-crazed teenage girls.
Hostilities at Glenbrook North High School are, for all intents and purposes, over, Secretary Rumsfeld told a cheering military audience on board the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln.
But even as the Defense Secretary praised the military for its decisive, courageous action in quelling the violence stemming from the girls touch football game, Mr. Rumsfeld warned that great dangers still lie ahead.
There are still pockets of hazing at Glenbrook North, Mr. Rusmfeld warned. These girls fight fiercely. They are mean, mean girls.
Reports out of Glenbrook North High School confirmed Mr. Rumsfelds warnings, as journalists embedded with Army units told of being pelted with fish, paint, and raw sewage by marauding bands of teenage girls.
Although reports were still vague as to what precipitated the round of violence at the Powderpuff game, Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz told CNNs Aaron Brown that it might have been the work of outside agitators, possibly from Iran or Syria.
While most observers praised the performance of the military in seizing control of the Powderpuff game, some critics questioned whether the Bush administration had a well thought-out plan to re-build Glenbrook North High School after the last remaining pockets of hazing were crushed.
In particular, Congressional Democrats questioned the administrations granting of a contract to the Bechtel Corporation to re-sod the girls football field at a cost of $28.6 billion.
**** ANDY BOROWITZ *****
Pockets of Hazing May Still Exist, Defense Secretary Warns
Days after a brawl broke out during an annual girls Powderpuff football game at Glenbrook North High School in suburban Chicago, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld announced that U.S. forces were now in control of the hazing-crazed teenage girls.
Hostilities at Glenbrook North High School are, for all intents and purposes, over, Secretary Rumsfeld told a cheering military audience on board the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln.
But even as the Defense Secretary praised the military for its decisive, courageous action in quelling the violence stemming from the girls touch football game, Mr. Rumsfeld warned that great dangers still lie ahead.
There are still pockets of hazing at Glenbrook North, Mr. Rusmfeld warned. These girls fight fiercely. They are mean, mean girls.
Reports out of Glenbrook North High School confirmed Mr. Rumsfelds warnings, as journalists embedded with Army units told of being pelted with fish, paint, and raw sewage by marauding bands of teenage girls.
Although reports were still vague as to what precipitated the round of violence at the Powderpuff game, Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz told CNNs Aaron Brown that it might have been the work of outside agitators, possibly from Iran or Syria.
While most observers praised the performance of the military in seizing control of the Powderpuff game, some critics questioned whether the Bush administration had a well thought-out plan to re-build Glenbrook North High School after the last remaining pockets of hazing were crushed.
In particular, Congressional Democrats questioned the administrations granting of a contract to the Bechtel Corporation to re-sod the girls football field at a cost of $28.6 billion.
**** ANDY BOROWITZ *****
