Questions about adoption...

[tonilea]

I know there are quite a few adoptive parents on the Dis, so I thought I would ask here.

We just found out about a couple of siblings (boy/girl) that the bio father doesn't want - mother died, no other relatives willing to take them. The father just wants rid of the two youngest (4 and 3), but there is an older child he is keeping.

What questions do I need to ask....

This is out of the blue and we weren't considering adoption.... we are 41 and 47.

Our son has been asking if we could adopt or have another child.

What are the steps in a private adoption?

We don't want to rush into anything without thinking it through, but we do need to move fairly quickly.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Good luck to you, Toni!

I would find out if you can adopt privately or through the state if the bio father was planning on surrendering custody. Is this a family friend? I would contact an adoption attorney in your town for guidance and go from there.

 

[clh2]

I know there are quite a few adoptive parents on the Dis, so I thought I would ask here.

We just found out about a couple of siblings (boy/girl) that the bio father doesn't want - mother died, no other relatives willing to take them. The father just wants rid of the two youngest (4 and 3), but there is an older child he is keeping.

What questions do I need to ask....

This is out of the blue and we weren't considering adoption.... we are 41 and 47.

Our son has been asking if we could adopt or have another child.

What are the steps in a private adoption?

We don't want to rush into anything without thinking it through, but we do need to move fairly quickly.

I do not know anything about domestic adoptions. I do have a sister/bil and a bil/sil that both adopted internationally, so I know more about that route.

I just wanted to say - WOW - what great parents you are to open your hearts and your homes for these children.

My only concern is why in the name of common sense would the bio-dad want to only keep the oldest child - and "toss out" the youngest two. I think that is going to cause long-term emotional issues for all three of the children. And in the situation described would be most concerned about the child who was "chosen" to stay with the biodad. That poor child has already lost their mom, and now 2 siblings??? How awful.

As you well know, this is a huge decision for your family, And I am sending off a quick prayer... the little ones sure need to be in a family where they are wanted and loved.

 

[tonilea]

I do not know anything about domestic adoptions. I do have a sister/bil and a bil/sil that both adopted internationally, so I know more about that route.

I just wanted to say - WOW - what great parents you are to open your hearts and your homes for these children.

My only concern is why in the name of common sense would the bio-dad want to only keep the oldest child - and "toss out" the youngest two. I think that is going to cause long-term emotional issues for all three of the children. And in the situation described would be most concerned about the child who was "chosen" to stay with the biodad. That poor child has already lost their mom, and now 2 siblings??? How awful.

As you well know, this is a huge decision for your family, And I am sending off a quick prayer... the little ones sure need to be in a family where they are wanted and loved.

The best I can figure out (and all my information is second or third hand) the father has been married to a woman with children for the last two or three years. I am guessing he would have more of a relationship with the older child. But, hasn't been around the other two. It worries me as well.

 

[linda0706]

First thing would be to call an adoption attorney in your area & talk to them over the phone. Laws vary state to state and also change nearly every year (waiting periods & such).

In our case, several years ago we hired the attorney, who then handled all the contact with the birth mother. (Ours was a newborn, but still a private adoption.) Once baby was born he arranged our court date & went before the judge with us. Our only costs were the attorney fee & court costs.

It was a fairly easy process. If you know anyone who had adopted they may know an attorney you could call.

 

[Kat77]

My girls were adopted internationally.
Everything depends on how the children are surrendered. Is he abandoning to the state or willing to place them privately? If you can keep them out of foster care, please do. You should consult with a private adoption attorney in your state. You will need a homestudy. Good luck!

 

[tonilea]

The children are not currently in foster care. From what I understand he is willing to just "sign them over", but I am certain it can't be that simple.

 

[bumbershoot]

If I were in this position (and I'd take them in a heartbeat if I were) I would find a family attorney that does adoptions. For me, it's lucky b/c my best friend's sister is such an attorney. And I'd go from there. Quickly.

 

[ZachnElli]

When we adopted, privately or not, you had to have a home study and a background check. We went through our states Health and Human Services Dept for this. But contact a lawyer first, hopefully he/she will know what you would need to complete. And good luck!

 

[Microcell]

The best I can figure out (and all my information is second or third hand) the father has been married to a woman with children for the last two or three years. I am guessing he would have more of a relationship with the older child. But, hasn't been around the other two. It worries me as well.

I have friends who had a bio dad who was in their life until their step dad came along.. then the bio dad actually came up with the idea that the step dad adopt them so he didn't have to pay child support... real winner that guy was. So the step dad became the only dad that counts and all was well until the daughter came over to my house upset because bio dad came to visit at her brother's request and she didn't want to be there at the house with bio dad so she came to ours for refuge.

I have a point I swear!

I told her when she said she knew bio dad didn't want her and how bad that hurt that her REAL dad chose her and adopted her and he didn't have to! I made sure she knew she was wanted and it made all the difference! That is all these kids need to know. Good luck!

 

[linda0706]

When we adopted, privately or not, you had to have a home study and a background check. We went through our states Health and Human Services Dept for this. But contact a lawyer first, hopefully he/she will know what you would need to complete. And good luck!

We did too, but because it was a private adoption it wasn't a painful, invasive ordeal that you might hear when adopting from an agency. I mean they didn't really care about the state of our marriage or that type of thing.

They did come to our house but were mostly concerned with making sure we had enough bedrooms, a smoke detector, etc...safety-type issues. Also they verified our income and we had to be fingerprinted for the background check. Oh, and we had to have a doctor's note that we were healthy.

Best wishes to you. I know its a huge decision to make for your family...I pray you make the right one for all involved.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Find an adoption attorney or a reputable adoption agency and contact them immediately.

ALL communications and transactions should be handled thru a legal, third party, agent. You do not want to open yourself up for any liabilities or accusations of wrongdoing.

If the father is truly interested in relinquishing his parental rights, he would agree to meet with somebody from the agency, and with you, if desired, in attendance.

I am not sure if the State would be the way to go or not.
If they would provide a basic home-study / approval for a nominal fee - that might work.
But, I might not want to involve them in the actual adoption proceedings with these children.
The kids could end up in state custody and limbo??????
I would make sure that it would be in your and the children's best interest before I would involve the State at all.

You want to to make sure that custody/adoption is fully legal and locked tight.

I would suggest that you not have any conversations or transactions with the other parent(s) except for thru an approved, legal, attorney, adoption agency, etc...

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Do you know the man who wants to place these children? If you want to adopt them, I would try to do a designated adoption. You don't want him to relinquish them without designating you as the adoptive parents, or the kids could get stuck in the system.

We adopted domestically, and did not do a designated adoption, but learned of them while we went through the process. A designated adoption is when the birthfamily and adoptive family find each other on their own, as opposed to the attorney or agency matching the two families.

Depending on how well you know the family, you can either approach them yourself, or do so with an attorney or agency representative. Although attorneys know adoption laws, they are not social workers, so I personally would feel most comfortable using an agency, who can supply both types of professionals. Meeting the children with a social worker present, and getting to know each other is an important first step in deciding whether you all want to become a family.

It is my understanding that in foster adoptions, children and potential adoptive parents usually progress through stages before the final decision is made. i.e., a short meeting, a longer meeting, an overnight or weekend visit, then a more permanent placement. I would think this type of transition would be best for the child, and would also (hopefully) decrease the chances of a disrupted adoption, so I would want to do it the same way, if I were you. Having a social worker present would help with getting the kids to open up. I would assume that the children WILL have some issues surrounding the relinquishment, and the best thing to do as a parent (or potential parent) is validate their feelings and let them grieve. Any feelings of abandonment have nothing to do with you. If you look at it from their point of view, they are going through two separate events. Loss of one family and gaining of another. No matter how happy the gaining of the new family is, it doesn't often negate the impact of the loss of the first family.

I would highly recommend reading the book Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best. Although the kids are slightly older than what you may typically think of as a toddler, the book provides a lot of great information information and fantastic insight as to what might be going on in the mind of these little children as they go through this enormous transition.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

 

[shortbun]

The children are not currently in foster care. From what I understand he is willing to just "sign them over", but I am certain it can't be that simple.

Call an attorney today. Get one who specializes in adoption. See them asap.
You will have to jump through huge hoops to make it happen fast-finger printing, home visits, letters from friends(ours had to be sealed so we couldn't read them) and other wild stuff. We got approved in 6 days and we spent two nights out at places like check cashing businesses getting things notarized because we got them at 9pm and had to turn them in at 8am, notarized. Move now, get off the computer and start making calls. the attorney will tell you what you need to know. Get a notebook and begin keeping notes-journal everything so you stay straight.

 

[hucifer]

I know there are quite a few adoptive parents on the Dis, so I thought I would ask here.

We just found out about a couple of siblings (boy/girl) that the bio father doesn't want - mother died, no other relatives willing to take them. The father just wants rid of the two youngest (4 and 3), but there is an older child he is keeping.

What questions do I need to ask....

This is out of the blue and we weren't considering adoption.... we are 41 and 47.

Our son has been asking if we could adopt or have another child.

What are the steps in a private adoption?

We don't want to rush into anything without thinking it through, but we do need to move fairly quickly.

Please keep us posted. I am very interested in hearing more. Adoption is such a beautiful thing.

 

[tonilea]

Please keep us posted. I am very interested in hearing more. Adoption is such a beautiful thing.

After a lot of thought and soul searching, we decided not to pursue the possible adoption. We feel strongly that these children would need a full time stay-at-home parent and we just can't do that right now. I feel very at peace with our decision. (I am more than a little suprised about that.)

Please, lift these children up in your prayers. I have to believe that God has a plan for them and even though we are not a part of that plan, we will certainly be praying for them as well.

 

[GAGirlInVA]

After a lot of thought and soul searching, we decided not to pursue the possible adoption. We feel strongly that these children would need a full time stay-at-home parent and we just can't do that right now. I feel very at peace with our decision. (I am more than a little suprised about that.)

Please, lift these children up in your prayers. I have to believe that God has a plan for them and even though we are not a part of that plan, we will certainly be praying for them as well.

I def. will be praying for them. We adopted our Xander domestically. In fact he was born 12 miles from our home... it was amazing and beautiful.

I'll pray that these children find their forever family quickly and that their healing begins soon.

 

[hucifer]

After a lot of thought and soul searching, we decided not to pursue the possible adoption. We feel strongly that these children would need a full time stay-at-home parent and we just can't do that right now. I feel very at peace with our decision. (I am more than a little suprised about that.)

Please, lift these children up in your prayers. I have to believe that God has a plan for them and even though we are not a part of that plan, we will certainly be praying for them as well.

I will keep them in my thoughts. Thank you for updating.