Question for those whose child commutes to college

[Snoozan]

I have an almost 19yo DS who attending the local community college this year. It's about an 8 mile drive in a rural area so no problem with traffic. He informs me that he wants to travel to another state school next fall as his DGF is done at the community college and is transferring to the other state school.

My problem with this is this new school is close to an hour away and they plan on commuting together. It would mean traveling on a busy highway - and neither one of them is very experienced in city driving, let alone in our nasty New England winters.

Am I wrong in saying "no" to him and require him to finish his 2nd year at the local community college? He tells me I have no say in the matter(that got my blood boiling)but I disagree as I am the way who pays for school(all except his books). I don't feel I should be making a decision for my son based upon his being the "chauffer" for his girlfriend. I really like his girlfriend, but I feel like she(& her parents)may have too much pull in decisions that I feel belong to us as his parents.

I've pretty much told him that to not plan on transferring next year and if he does, all college expenses would be his responsibility and he would have to work alot in order to keep up with car expenses and other expenses. He just lives in his little dream world as we haven't had to deny him much - up till now!

Anyone ever dealt with a decision like this? Any thoughts?

 

[Laura]

I have a few questions. What happens when your son finishes community college? Will he be transferring anyway or would he be getting a job? Could he get an apartment or live in a dorm on the new campus? Would he get loans if he transferred? The only objection I really see you stating is the drive to the new school, which would be a pain in the butt to me; I personally wouldn't want to drive an hour to get to school, but I work with people who drive that long to get to the office every day!

I see your point in that you are paying for his education and you don't want him driving in bad weather. But he is an adult and although you may not like his decisions, sometimes the apron strings need to be cut. So I'm kind of on the fence here. I see your point and I see his too.

 

[NHAnn]

I only opened this thread because I commuted to college "back in the day" I paid for my books and beginning with my sophomore year I paid all my commuting expenses...car, maintenance, insurance, gas.

But since you asked for thoughts I'll give you mine......
I think your concerns about the travel hazards and travel time are very legitimate ones that should be pointed out to your son. Two hours a day (more in the bad weather and/or traffic is a horrendous commute IMHO! Stressful and time-consuming!!)
I also think it is an understandable concern that his desire to transfer is influenced by the girlfriend. Is she going to share the expenses of the commute? (What happens if they "break up"?)

Besides paying for his tuition, are you also currently paying for his car expenses? If you are paying his car expenses, IMHO you definitely have a "say" in the decision ....the longer commute will increase those costs.

If HE is paying his own car expenses, and the tuition is not any more at this new school, say your piece and let the chips fall where they may. It may be time for him to start making decisions on his own AND deal with consequences of them.......he can always transfer back if it doesn't work out and you can bite your tongue to keep from saying "I told you so"

Good luck!!!

 

[CBRorBust]

Oh man oh man are you going to HATE me after this post. So I'm sorry in advanced.


IMHO, You have no say where your son goes to college. If you are paying his tution and want to cut him off just because you are paranoid about his commute, you are only making it that much harder for him to stay in school. Because it is difficult to do both work and school. Now...you said something in your post that set off a bell for me...

really like his girlfriend, but I feel like she(& her parents)may have too much pull in decisions that I feel belong to us as his parents.

The fact of the matter is, he is an Adult, and it really is not your decision to make for him. I'm pretty sure he has made up his mind that he is going. So he can do it with or without your financial help.

I'm so sorry to be the evil one, but I just hear about so many parents trying to control their Adult childs every move. Believe it or not, my mother works in the admissions office of a University here in Dallas, and there are parents that CALL FOR THEIR CHILDS SCHEDULE!!! Talk about needing to cut the cord! But the point is, you have to let him live and learn otherwise it will always be you trying to "mommy" him. I honestly think that after a semester of commuting that far, he will either be looking into apartment/dorm life on that campus, or will be up to his eyeballs in student loans by the time he graduates. And trust me, as a college student myself, he will take out the loans just to prove to you that he can and will do it.


I'm so sorry again...I just feel like such a mean person, but all the above is just one little college student's opinion....so it probably doesn't mean much to you.

 

[FreshTressa]

I agree with you!! Community College is sooo much cheaper than out of state tuition is going to be. Unless he has a legitimate reason to change, which it doesn't look like he does, there would be no way I would foot the increase in tuition. If he wants to do it, he must pay all added costs, including increased mileage on the car if it is not owned by him.

Isn't the out of state tuition going to be a ton more?? What is wrong with your own state's college??

 

[DMickey28]

Is the DGF going to be still living at home and commuting too? How much time are they really going to "spend" together at school, wouldn't they see each other just as much outside of school?

I don't think that you can force or make your son do anything. When I went to college I went for six years to get a BS and graduated two years ago. I commuted from Cape Cod to JWU in Providence one year. I made it until a month and a half before the end of the year when I could not drive that much anymore. I couldn't work enough to pay the bills and I could study enough to get the grades..... and I did it for myself. I kick myself for not staying at UMass right off the bat because the whole thing was so much easier. When I went to CCCC I had it made, five minutes from home, great school and the ability to work, study and socialize.

I think that no one can tell your son the right thing to do, but maybe a few stories from someone that did that and a little time to absorb common sense and a small "tiff" with the GF will change his mind about the smartest thing FOR HIM...... the GF is passing but this is his LIFE!!!

I noticed that you are from MA!!! I miss home... been living in INDY for one month now....

 

[battricia]

I was wondering if the other school is another school IN the state or an out of state school, it was somewhat unclear. Anyhow I will give you my personal opinion, and as another person said, you're probably not going to like it, but I do hope you listen, because there are a lot of things that might happen depending on how you handle this situation.

I'm afriad if you tell your son you will cut him off, you're only going to hurt yourself by doing this. If your son feels he can't count on you to help him and support him in bettering his life (and hopefully that is what his plans are with a college education) he will be pushed away from you, and there are many ways this can go, none of them will look good for you OR him.

I'll give you the story of my best friend. She wanted to go away to college in virginia, mostlikely because of a boy, but anyhow her mom said NO WAY. same exact situation. The college we both attended was not even a mile from her house, infact I would drive to her house and park my car there and we'd walk to school together, that's how close it was. This was one of the few colleges (close enough to her mom) that her mom would PAY for her to go to. It was a bit of a stigma to us, because many people made fun of the fact that the school we were attending was for people who would "never get out of this town". And she HATED the thought of that. She hated the thought so much, both the idea that her mother was controlling her, and this stigma, that she decided her mom could pay for this college all she wanted, and my friend just wasn't going to go to the classes. After a year and a half she just dropped out all together. I know you don't want your son to do this, which is why I'm telling you.

Another way it can go is your son will go out and get the loans, like someone else said, and go on his own and most likely feel wary of letting you know any of his future plans, because you'll probably just shoot them down. (not that I feel you'll do this, but people DO tend to react this way when you're dealing with a parent/child situation.)

I feel that you really shouldn't shoot your son's plans down. Is he going to a two year college? If so you might as well let him go to the other college, because he'll be MUCH better off with a bachelors degree than with an associates degree, and if that's what he's aiming for in the future anyway, I say the sooner the better. Your concerns with him driving are valid, however he IS an adult, and it's possible that you could be insulting his judgement as an adult, and as a responsible driver. This might also push him farther away from you. I really just hope you consider these things, so that you don't lose your son's trust, or lose him all together. Good luck.

tricia.

 

[FreshTressa]

Wow, geez, I would never think of treating my parents that way, even as an adult. I can't imagine having such a selfish child that would cut off relations from me because I wanted to save some money and pay for a local college. If a child is that self centered, then they NEED to get out on their own and learn how to pay their own way.

So, you guys who think it is wrong, think that a parent should pay perhaps 5x the tuition (that is what it would be here, comparing a local cc and an out of state university) plus transportation costs so their son could go to school with his girlfriend????

I think any child/adult should feel blessed that their parents are offering to pay any of their college. It is for their future after all. I would also offer to give him the money that I would normall spend on tuition to go towards his new tuition and wish him happiness if he chose to go that route.

I would not present this to him in anger or with a "I am the parent" type attitude. But more of a 'Listen, I know you want to go to the other school, and I can appreciate that. But, as you know, it would be a great added expense to us. So, since I don't see any great reason to spend my hard earned money on this other college, I am going to have to say no to the extra money. But if you do decide to go, I will help you out and spend the same that I am spending now, but you would have to pick up the difference. Go with my blessing."

That way, it is presented as a choice, and he gets to make the choice, as an adult, what he thinks would be best for him. It takes control from you to him, and don't be angry with either decision he makes.

Good Luck!

 

[CBRorBust]

Wow, geez, I would never think of treating my parents that way, even as an adult. I can't imagine having such a selfish child that would cut off relations from me because I wanted to save some money and pay for a local college. If a child is that self centered, then they NEED to get out on their own and learn how to pay their own way.

So, you guys who think it is wrong, think that a parent should pay perhaps 5x the tuition (that is what it would be here, comparing a local cc and an out of state university) plus transportation costs so their son could go to school with his girlfriend????

I think that if the poster would have stated that the reason that she was against the transferring of schools because of a financial situation and not the "protective mother" role, she would have gotten different reactions to the situation. But the fact that she states that,

My problem with this is this new school is close to an hour away and they plan on commuting together. It would mean traveling on a busy highway - and neither one of them is very experienced in city driving, let alone in our nasty New England winters.

So nowhere in that post did she say it was a financial issue. As a matter of fact, she even goes on to say that

they haven't had to deny him much - up till now!

Now if it was a $$$$ issue, I would have still told her that it is ultimately NOT her decision. Like you said, she could offer to support her son with the same amount that she is putting forth his education at the 2 year school as she could the 4 year school and let him make up the extra expenses himself.

So I don't know if we should assume that her son is being a "selfish child" rather than an overprotected Adult!

 

[FreshTressa]

Sorry, guess I wasn't clear. I wasn't calling the OP's son selfish, I think her son is acting just like an average person that age.

I was talking about the girl in battricia's post. . I honestly think that a child/adult that reacts the way she describes could be described as selfish.

I realized her original post wasn't about the money, but still, even if I was very very wealthy, I still would not want to put out extra money unless there was a good reason. I think it is spoiling (now this is just my opinion) to give someone a large sum of money to get something just cuz they want it, with no other good reason, and what they want could be dangerous. Like, if my son asked for a motorcycle, I would still have to say no because I am not going to spend money on something I see as dangerous. He can just drive his old car, and I would use money as an excuse.

The money is a language that the son can understand. Just saying 'I'm worried about your safety," isn't something that a 19-20 year old man boy is going to understand.

I think he WOULD resent his parents if he were told "No, I don't think it is safe so you can't go to that college." That is not a reasonable arguement to someone that age. They still haven't realized their mortality yet, and would view it as controlling.

So, I totally agree with you, that going to him as a protective mother is not going to be successful. But, I still think it is unreasonable for them to allow him to go to this other college when there is no good reason. It is not like he won't get to go there on a transfer degree in one more year anyway.

 

[FreshTressa]

A couple other points...

I do agree with you CBRorBust, in that if it is true that they haven't had to deny him much and he has grown up a little over-indulged (and I am not saying this is the case), then I do think he would be resentful.

And, thinking back, when DH was in college, he had a long commute on a freeway and his dad paid for him to get an apartment near campus and paid all of his expenses.

Sorry for butting in on this post when I don't have a child that commutes. Just butting in with my opinions again...

Why did he choose a community college to begin with??

 

[Tiggeroo]

I had something similar. I have a dd who was living at home and commuting, we are 20mins from school. She is on a scholarship to school, but we cover all of her other expenses. She decided this semester to live on campus, which will cost like $6000. extra. Her reasons are valid but it's alot of money. So she is taking on a partial loan, using the balance of her scholarship money, etc. to pay for her housing. We're not against her decision, there are alot of pros to it, just not sure it's a good use of money, when in one more year she will be moving away to go to grad school. But dad and I are still going to pay for her car ins., give her spending money every week, and if she comes by once a week I give her a stock of groceries to cover alot of her food expense.
If I didn't think her reasons were good, ex. to be with bf she would know I didn't approve, but I wouldn't stop her. I would probably make her cover the additional costs and insure her car on her own. If I saw maturity in the decision, and after a couple months felt more comfortable with it, I would relent and start giving spending/gas money and other extras. I would not pay extra tuition just so my kid could drive to school with his gf. Your son is not going to see this, but you are right here. And it's your right not to finance a bad decision. You can love him, support him and be there if it doesn't work out, but not give the $$$ for him to do it. It's a bad move to pick a college based on a gf. As others have said, what happens if they split. But if you don't let him go, and then something happens and they break up he will blame you. It's so tough being a mom, I know.

 

[DawnCt]

Originally posted by CBRorBust

The fact of the matter is, he is an Adult, and it really is not your decision to make for him. I'm pretty sure he has made up his mind that he is going. So he can do it with or without your financial help.

Well, first of all, unless he is paying his own tuition, car, insurance, maintainance, books, etc, he really isn't an adult. He is dependent upon other adults in his life. Chauffering his girlfriend is not something his parents should subsidize. Another issue with long range commuting, it is very easy to "skip" a class on an inclement day, on a nice day, on your birthday, on any day when an hours commute seems long. What he chooses to do afte he completes Community College is irrelavent. He needs to finish first.

 

[Tiggeroo]

btw - the reason my dd decided to live on campus was because of the 20 minute commute. There are times when your schedule is not too great. You might have an 8:30 am class then nothing til 1:00 and be there till late. Or you might be all finished at 12:00 but you have a study group that meets at 7:00 or a club, etc. It is going to be extremely difficult for your son and his gf to coordinate their classes.One might have an early class and the other nothing til 2:00, while the morning person is finished at noon. My dd found that by living at home she was not doing alot of the extra things that were important. If her classes finished early she wouldn't want to go to an evening study group. She never felt up to going back out at 7:00 to be in a club when she had been at school for six hours since 8am.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

When my kids go to college they will take out loans, have a job and I would prefer them to move out. We will help but we are not going to pay 100%. So I have different thoughts about what we expect.

In your situation I would meet him halfway. I would tell him he will need to take out student loans (hurry, only a few more weeks to go) and he will need to move there.
That way he is going to that school and you have taken out the commute. WIN-WIN!

 

[KarenC]

My DD lives on campus and is too far away to commute, but I have some experiences to relate. DD is an excellent student and had lots of choices for college. We were comfortable paying for her tuition and room and board to an in-state school. If she wanted to go someplace that was more expensive, we asked her to justify that extra expense. If push came to shove, and she had good reasons, we would have paid for a more expensive school. I just wanted her to be able to articulate why.

She ended up getting a scholarship that eliminated the out of state differential and went to a school that was 45 minutes away from the school her high school boyfriend decided to go to. I wasn't thrilled, but it wasn't going to hurt her to go to this school, and it didn't cost me any more money. The advice we got from the high school college counselor and in the books we read (Letting Go is a good one) was that the college choice is basically the students, not the parents, even if parents are footing the bill. So she went to school to be close to the BF. Their relationship didn't last long after school started. At first she was very upset and thought she wanted to transfer, but we made her give it a year. She now realizes that she made the choice for the wrong reason, but she's making the best of it.

From my perspective, a lot of good has come of this. She now realizes that maybe her parents do know something (we did offer our opinion, but the ultimate choice was hers). She realizes that when she has choices, she needs to take the decision making process seriously. I guess what I'm getting at is sometimes the best thing we can do for our kids is to let them make mistakes. That's how they learn to make good decisions.

I think there's a lot of value in living on campus. My DDs school is within commuting distance of a large percentage of the population of the state. They have really worked hard to encourage students to live on campus because it makes the kids feel more a part of the college community and makes it more likely that they will finish school. So I'd discourage the commute, but be indifferent to the choice of school, if its financially feasible. It's likely that the state school has more to offer than the community college does.

I think community college is good for kids who otherwise wouldn't be able to afford to continue their education, who have no idea what they want to do with their lives, or who need a couple more years to mature before they leave the nest. But I always expected my children to leave home when they graduated from high school.

 

[TIGGERSMOM]

Just a couple questions

You said the other state school - I assume you mean still in-state so tuition won't rise much - correct?
Is his course of study offered there?
How long has he been dating GF?

Has he thought of what will happen if she has morning classes and she doesn't. Will she get up ay 6 or 7 to hang around campus for her classes or if she late afternoons, will he hang for hours and wait for her?
What happens if she/he have no classes on particular day, is there alternate transport for the other?

I have a commuter on scholarship in Boston, he thought the money we "saved" should get him an apartment - YEAH RIGHT!

If he was going there in another year, an extra year won't be a big deal. But if he is changing all his plans to follow her, well I would sit him down and have the real "adult" talk. Ask him to figure out a budget where he takes care of the overflow expenses, that may wake him up.

As far as GF having too much influence, I think your dead there. Think about it when you met your SO would you have picked your parents advice over him.

 

[CBRorBust]

As far as GF having too much influence, I think your dead there. Think about it when you met your SO would you have picked your parents advice over him.

YUP! Amen to that! I was actually thinking that the whole "living on campus" thing at the other university would be a BAD idea. That is unless she wants them to end up unofficially shacking up together! Because let me tell you how much "easier" it will be for her to just spend the night than to drive home an hour away. Denial is an ugly thing....but I'm just saying that this is what is going through *most* not all (don't want to get flammed by parents with great kids) college aged couples are going to be thinking! BELIEVE THAT!

And that may be a whole other topic all together!

 

[Snoozan]

I wanted to thank all that posted to this. You've all given me different things to think about regarding my DS's situation. I do know I have to sit him down and he's going to have to come up with some good reasons as to why he can't finish up at the local community college next year and plan on transferring after that.

One thing I didn't mention was that he's in a transfer program at the community college and if he maintains a decent GPA after the 2 years, he'll get a break on tuition at the other school for his last 2 years there. We've always told him we expected him to do his first 2 years here and then we'd be more than happy to help out with him living on campus his last 2 years, so this should not be a big shock to him that we're resisting.

I also expect him to work part-time and if he's spending an extra 2 hours a day commuting, when's he supposed to do that? He will be taking out loans, but I was hoping he'd be able to handle his day-to-day expenses(such as car expenses)and books on his own. That's not gonna happen if he doesn't have "time" to work.

Don't get me wrong - I really want my DS to have the experience of living at school, but if that's not a priority for him, he can save himself and us alot of $$$ by going to the local CC. I don't think he's going to get any more out of the other school(social-wise)than the CC as he won't be living there. I'd rather he live on campus next year, just so he doesn't have the commute. For anyone living in Western Mass, you know the winter weather here can be frightful(just like this AM).

Trust me, I want him to have the chance to move out, but he's still not planning on that for the next year so what's the problem with having him continue his 2nd year at the CC?

I've decided some Saturday AM(soon)I'm gonna get his butt out of bed bright and early for a little trip down to the school. He thinks it's just a "short" trip - he has no idea the school is at least an hour drive - and that's with good weather and no traffic. Hopefully, that'll get him thinking. He's never even been to this school for a visit............................................