Question for all SAHMs

[mommaU4]

I was just wondering if you and your DH exchange gifts at Christmas time?

I love being able to stay home with our 4 kids and it is alot of work. But this is the only time of year when I wish I had a paying job so that I could go out and buy my DH a present.

I feel like if I buy him a gift using the money we have in the checking or wherever that I'm buying him a present with his own money. This is all my way of thinking. He has never and would never say "this is my money because I earned it", but around this time of year that's how I feel. It's just not the same.

I want my own money that I went out and earned and can then go and surprise him with something. I know if I told him he'd say that it's our money and I earned it too by allowing him to go off to work knowing that our kids and things around the house were well cared for, etc.
I just wondered if any other SAHMs ever feel like this or is it just me?

 

[EthansMom]

I just wondered if any other SAHMs ever feel like this or is it just me?

I don't think you're alone in feeling this way, but I don't worry about spending "OUR" money. I pay all of the bills and track the budget -- if it was a matter of funds availability, then we would spend less all around. I do try to get DH gifts that he would really enjoy.

(Honestly, my DH hasn't seen the checkbook in months. In our family, I have more "ownership" over money than DH. I even have to remind DH to pick up his pay stubs on payday at work. On our recent trip to WDW, I had to tip the skycap and parking shuttle driver -- DH just can't be bothered with money.)

 

[Lynn CC]

Our son is in college now, but I was a SAHM since he was born until he went to college. I did work while he was in school, but I was always home when he was home, vacations, summer, and before and after school.
Now that he's all grown up, he says he wouldn't have it any different for his kids some day!

As far as gifts for one another, there were plenty of years when DH and I had no gifts to one another under the tree, just a lot for DS! We always had a few to open from other people. Once the kids are all grown up and your done with college bills etc., there will be plenty of time for gifts for one another. Your not the only one that doesn't exchange! I think it's great that your home with your kids, and I agree what's his is yours and visa- versa. So if you want to buy him a gift, go ahead I'm sure he will love it!

 

[jel0511]

I just go ahead and buy him something. This year I probably spent WAY too much, but oh well.

 

[Castlebound]

Until this year I was a SAHM for eight years. My DH wants nothing to do with handling the money or bills. We have always gotten each other gifts. At Christmas we had a spending limit. We have always seen the money he makes as our money. So I don't have any problem using it.

 

[diznygirl]

We exchange. I sometimes worry about the "not my money" thing. But I figure that DH wants a certain life for his family and he works for that and pays for it, and that includes me as a SAHM. If I worked, we'd be paying for daycare - so I figure that savings is "mine."

I have noticed it's a lot harder to keep the gifts secret from each other, tho!

 

[ToTLaugher]

I do buy DH gifts and don't worry about the fact that his job "paid" for them. I find things he would not spend the money for himself. That is how it is a treat for him. Remember, it is the thought that counts not the price you paid. I think every SAHM understands what you are saying though. I know I took a long time to adjust to spending "his" money as freely as I would my own!

If it really bothers you maybe you can try to cut back on shopping (such as couponing for groceries) and "bank" the savings to use in the future to pay for his presents. (Does that make any sense?) Maybe then it would feel more like you "earned" it.

 

[hiwaygal]

I don't "technically" qualify to answer this question because we don't have kids (we count our three dogs as our kids)...but he stays home and takes care of them and the house and the errands and all that...but maybe I can give you some perspective from the "other" side...

Sometimes I wonder if he feels "funny" spending "my" money...I don't look at it that way though. I look forward to gifts from him because I know the thought that went into them (okay, except for that DVD/VHR combo he bought me last year! )...

My guess is your DH feels the same way. He's just looking forward to the surprises and the love that went into the selection...

 

[kldmom2000]

I personally feel that my staying home to raise our children is a very important job in itself. We made the joint decision to have me quit my job to be a SAHM. I don't think either of us considers the money DH brings home as "his" money...it's jointly our money and we've always exchanged gifts. I think it felt weird the first couple of years, but I take care of all the bills and monthly expenses so I know what we can afford and what we can't.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

I know you're not alone in feeling this way because I've heard the same thing from many women.

Personally, I don't feel that way at all. Maybe it's because for so long, we both worked and earned similar salaries, so I was already in the mindset that our money was ours, not his or mine, but ours. Now that I'm staying home, the mindset hasn't changed. I always buy him things for birthdays, Christmas, etc, and I've never felt like I was buying it with "his" money.

 

[mommaU4]

Thanks for all the good advice and thoughts on the matter.
I probably will buy him something. Nothing extravagent because we do have 4 kids to buy for, but maybe something creative that he'd never get for himself.

 

[thelionqueen]

feel that way. There is a slight difference between the money I make part time, and the money he makes supporting our family, but not much.

I buy him gifts with his money, our money or what ever money. I love buying him things, doesn't matter where the money comes from (legally of course )

Happy Holidays you fellow SAHM's!!

 

[LoveWDW]

The income belongs to you, too. So in that respect you should feel OK using it. But I liked having a small amount deposited from each pay to an account in my name, for me to use as I wished, and this is what I used to buy gifts for my husband.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

Even though I'm a SAHM, we don't consider any income "his" or mine, it's OUR money. So if I use OUR money to buy him a gift, it's no different if I had earned the money myself. However, I make a little money off of my candle business and also Ebay, so I can contribute every now and then.

 

[disykat]

Our money was joint before we had kids too, so I don't really feel like I'm spending "his" money.

However, we have always kept "surprise" spending down and pretty much stick to a gift budget that we set. We make all our financial decisions together - so for us that includes the gift budget. Neither one of us is into big gifts so we usually set our budget for each other somewhere in the $20 - 40 range. Birthdays we spend more, but nothing that would surprise our bank account.

 

[luvmy2sams]

DH and I combined our incomes long before we got married, so we're way past the point of thinking "yours, mine and ours". I do understand what you're saying, though. I've just never personally felt that way.

DH and I set our yearly budget and then go over it each month, so we try to stay on target with what we've budgeted for Christmas each year. Everything goes on the visa each month, so DH is still able to surprise me despite the fact that I handle the bills. I just have to remember not to check the account online during the month of December.

 

[JVL1018]

I have never felt bad about not bringing home a paycheck..I am more than happy to spend DH's money. LOL
In fact DH says stuff like "We got paid today" Gotta love it. LOL
I work harder at home than I ever worked for a paying job, I've earned whatever I may spend.

 

[Beth76]

You can look at it as you're providing a housecleaning and a childcare service for your husband so he "owes" you. I really don't have a problem with it at all. DH knows his life would be more difficult if I worked. We, however, don't exchange presents. We always buy whatever we want anyway. If we don't buy it, it's because we can't afford it. I wouldn't know what to get for him anyway.