Pushy/Nosey Lady. What do you think?

[disneymom3]

This might get long for it to make sense.....

I take my kids to a homeschool gymnastics class on Tuesday which a couple of my friend's kids go to also. Yesterday, we were sitting chatting and one who has just moved back asked me about the medical tests I have been having. I was telling both of them about the stuff going on and made a comment to my one friend that I during one of the tests it occurred to me that I would be able to handle accupunture afterall since this one test invovled them placing a needle all the way into my muscle. This woman sitting next to us (supposedly doing Bible study) comments that for my test they had to reach muscle but that accupunture is just skin deep. Well, I knew that and that was the point, but whatever. I was friendly in my answer to her. Then I was explaining to the one friend what a spinal tap was and why I had been down with a headache for the last several days. One of her kids came out and then the conversation got off track as they do and we didn't finish talking about our medical stuff. The lady then says, "So what did you find out about your spinal tap?" I said I didn't have any info yet. This time not quite so friendly. She says, "What are they testing your for, MS?" I just said that and other things.

At this point I am thinking, I do not even know this woman's name. Granted we were talking about this in a public place and it's not like it is a secret, but I never would have dreamed of interupting a conversation of others who were clearly friends to ask those questions.

Then the one friend who has two adopted little boys who are still working on attachment needed to go talk to one of them. He was having a way too friendly conversation with one of the instructors. Not that the instructor was doing anythign wrong at all--if it were one of my kids it would be fine, but her boys would truly just leave with someone who seemed like a good parenting back up. So, again this lady starts in with her questions and then throws in some judgements. Woohoo. LIke, "It's good for kids to hear from other authority figures" etc. Well, it's not when this little guy needs to figure out that his mom is his mom and always will be and he can't make it on his own no matter what he thinks. It was just hte presumption and the fact that she would NOT let this go.

The other friend sitting there also has two adopted kids and this woman is going on and on while my friend's DDs are sitting right there. I kept looking at her like "Answer this lady or get me out of this!" And she was cracking me up because she wouldn't even make eye contact with me at that point! So, here I am stuck next to nosey lady for two hours.

Do you think she was nosey or was I being unfriendly and cliquey? I normally would love to meet new people and chat with them and have made several new friends at my kids classes, but this was just bizarre.

 

[PeterPanette]

Is your medical history her business? No. But honestly, I see this woman as just trying to share concern and trying to fit in and be friendly.

I'm an outgoing "talky" person, and this makes me wonder if this is how people see me whenever I try and offer something to a conversation. Hmmm.

I can fully understand that you may be a little shy, and have built a trusting, comfortable relationship with the other moms that you were talking with, and that's good. This woman might become a valued member of your circle of friends, if you give her a chance. Quirky observations and all.

Best wishes!

 

[DISUNC]

So what did you find out about your spinal tap?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think she was just trying to make friends and fit in. I too wonder what people think of me now. Oh well- I know that I am not nosy, just friendly. I also feel if it were that private of a conversation then you shouldn't have talked about it so publicly. Not being snarky, but I would have asked the questions too.

 

[meandtheguys2]

This lady needs to learn a bit more about socialization...

I'd say she is a nosey busybody, but you might be stuck with her for the next ten years, so you will have to put up with her. I can't believe she was being critical of that little boy. You don't pick on my friends kids...

And as a nosy busybody, I sure hope you get whatever answers you need for your health and sanity...btdt.

 

[disneymom3]

So what did you find out about your spinal tap?

Y'know I am a chatty person too, but I still can't see asking someone about their medical results when you weren't already involved in the conversation. I don't know. Oh, and no one could call me shy!

 

[brasswillow]

I personally think she was being nosy. It’s one thing to insert yourself into a conversation in a public place, but to ask questions about medical issues or parenting styles isn’t something that should be discussed on a first meeting.

I would say if you see her around again keep your conversations as average as possible, like what you’re having for dinner, your vacation plans, how much you hate to vacuum, that way she would have an opportunity to get to know you without being so intrusive.

 

[mickeyboat]

Is your medical history her business? No. But honestly, I see this woman as just trying to share concern and trying to fit in and be friendly.

I'm an outgoing "talky" person, and this makes me wonder if this is how people see me whenever I try and offer something to a conversation. Hmmm.

I can fully understand that you may be a little shy, and have built a trusting, comfortable relationship with the other moms that you were talking with, and that's good. This woman might become a valued member of your circle of friends, if you give her a chance. Quirky observations and all.

Best wishes!

I agree with all of this. I know a lot of people will say this lady was nosey, should have minded her own business, etc. But I think she felt like she was part of the conversation, after all you were having it right next to her. I doubt she knows that you were a lot closer to the other moms, and felt included in the conversation happening around her.

I guess if you wanted to keep the conversation private, you should have held it in private. KWIM?

Hope all the test results turn out well!

Denae

 

[DISUNC]

Y'know I am a chatty person too, but I still can't see asking someone about their medical results when you weren't already involved in the conversation. I don't know. Oh, and no one could call me shy!

How big was this waiting room???

I am thinkin it was small, and the amount of time you both were there....I'd be chatting with strangers too!

I have involved myself in others conversations when in waiting rooms etc. Not for being nosey (ok! a little) but more out of being board!
Sorta like a reallife face to face Disboards!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, I can see a general comment, re: the acupuncture, etc...
And, I am sure that this lady just sees herself as 'friendly'.

BUT, I agree with this poster

It’s one thing to insert yourself into a conversation in a public place, but to ask questions about medical issues or parenting styles isn’t something that should be discussed on a first meeting.

1. You do not pass judgements about how somebody is handling their kids!!!
(okay, so we have all run into deadbeat parents.... this was not that kind of situation where anyone was displaying bad parenting or lack of parenting) This lady was way over the line.

2. You do not presume to ask for private medical information!!!
So, again, this lady was way over the line.

This is a person who just simply does not 'get' social boundaries.

I think I would have found a reason to get up for a moment, and then sat elsewhere!!!

 

[NMAmy]

I agree with all of this. I know a lot of people will say this lady was nosey, should have minded her own business, etc. But I think she felt like she was part of the conversation, after all you were having it right next to her. I doubt she knows that you were a lot closer to the other moms, and felt included in the conversation happening around her.

I guess if you wanted to keep the conversation private, you should have held it in private. KWIM?

Hope all the test results turn out well!

Denae

This was my first thought. If someone wanted to have a private discussion, I'd assume they'd have it privately instead of right next to me.

Not that this is the OP but I always find it amazing the things that people will discuss on a cell phone in front of me. I'm sure if I commented on it, they'd think I was being nosey but when it's going on where I can hear and it's impossible not to listen, then how am I NOT supposed to listen?

 

[momto2girls]

This lady needs to learn a bit more about socialization...

Love that!!

I think she was being way too nosy. I agree that she was probably just trying to make friends, but I think that her choice of how to approach you was tacky and rude. If she offered opinions when you were chatting about what color to paint your kitchen, okay. But she chose to try to make conversation by asking a total stranger about her medical tests and make comments about another person's parenting?

 

[KimR]

See, this is one o fmany reasons reason I am so quiet and hesitant to talk to people I don't know well. I'm always afraid I'm going to say something wrong or offend someone so most of the time it's much easier to just say nothing. Of course, then people think you are aloof so I guess you can't win.

 

[KimR]

Love that!!

I think she was being way too nosy. I agree that she was probably just trying to make friends, but I think that her choice of how to approach you was tacky and rude. If she offered opinions when you were chatting about what color to paint your kitchen, okay. But she chose to try to make conversation by asking a total stranger about her medical tests and make comments about another person's parenting?

I could totally see myself asking someone questions like that if it were a topic of conversation already being discussed. But then social skills have never been my strong suit. And as for criticizing parenting - no, I probably wouldn't do that although I have been known to look at another parent and do the eyeroll/headshake thing when someone else's children are acting unruly.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If someone wanted to have a private discussion, I'd assume they'd have it privately instead of right next to me.

Not that this is the OP but I always find it amazing the things that people will discuss on a cell phone in front of me. I'm sure if I commented on it, they'd think I was being nosey but when it's going on where I can hear and it's impossible not to listen, then how am I NOT supposed to listen?

I have to disagree.
There is NO reason for the OP to have to feel like she has to step outside or into a closet to have a discussion with a friend. Discussions take place everywhere all the time.

You are right, if you commented and actually passed judgment on a conversation just because 'you can hear it' then you are being presumptuous and rude.

Nobody said that you have to cover your ears... But, just because a discussion is happening in a public place does not mean that anyone else should butt-in with questions and judgment calls.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Not that this is the OP but I always find it amazing the things that people will discuss on a cell phone in front of me.

This reminds me of one time when a friend and I were in a Bickfords, and a guy across the room was discussing business VERY loudly on his cell phone, and to make it more annoying, he was being very braggy. Made me wonder if there was actually anyone on the other end of the phone, or if he was just trying to look cool...he was that obnoxious. But the funny thing was...he said "Here, let me give you my email address" and I was SO tempted to write it down and email him to tell him to cool it with the loud talking in restaurants! But, he thought better of it, and asked the other person for their email address. Darn!

As to the OP, I'm torn. I can see both sides of the issue. And sometimes I think we respond initially in an open, friendly manner, and then as the conversation progresses, we find ourselves resenting that we let ourselves get sucked into the conversation and giving more information that we really wanted to.

 

[disneymom3]

This lady needs to learn a bit more about socialization...

I'd say she is a nosey busybody, but you might be stuck with her for the next ten years, so you will have to put up with her. I can't believe she was being critical of that little boy. You don't pick on my friends kids...

And as a nosy busybody, I sure hope you get whatever answers you need for your health and sanity...btdt.

You know, I think that was it much more than her questions about my medical state. I am not that private of a person really but when she kept going on and on and asking what at least came off as judging questions about my friend's boys it got to me. I have a LOT of friends who have adopted kids from Russia and when you get children with attatchment issues, you have to do a totally different kind of parenting. It can't be judged from the outside and even when I was trying to gently end the discussion or to point out that it was a different situation, she just kept at it. I didn't really cover that adequately I guess in my first post. I was still feeling surprised at the questions she threw at me. And if we had still been discussing my medical stuff too or if we were turning toward her or something. I don't know, it felt pretty close to eavesdropping and then all the probing questions just did not hit me right.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Julie, I totally understand!

And, I too am close to others with the Russian adoption issues.

You know, we are just programmed to be friendly and not be uptight or rude. But, really, she was overstepping some boundaries.

The next time anybody starts in with something like that, and you are not comfortable with it, do not feel bad at all. As you said, you don't even know her name. (Did she not even introduce herself?) You really do not owe anybody the right to encroach on your and your friends personal business and personal feelings.

You do not have to 'defend' yourself or your friends to that woman, or to anyone here on the DIS.

When this type of thing happens, you should feel free to change the subject, or to even tell them that you are not sure it is really their business, and move on.

Free yourself!!!


PS: I just noticed in your OP that she appeared to be reading or working on some kind of study. That right there shows that this was not a 'group' of women in an open group discussion. It is not like you were all standing around together and she smiled and you smiled and you introduced yourselves etc... and then you just excluded her. I think that is KEY.