Preteen Daughters: UGH!

[luvsJack]

In the grand scheme of things, her handwriting isn't horribly important, but remember when you learned to write, or your child did, you get a paper with three lines- the middle being dotted? Each letter is supposed to be written a certain way, the t extends to the top line, an i to the middle with the dot above the dotted line, the g has a hoop that goes to the dotted line and a tail that goes under? Every single one of her letters don't even make it to the dotted line, maybe only halfway to the dotted line (very, very tiny writing). A lot of her letters look the same and unfortunately, it does affect her grades. Many of her spelling words get marked wrong because an "h" looks like an "n", her "t"s look like "h"s....it's very frustrating. I don't ask for perfection, I do ask that she try though. She can write very nicely but chooses not to for the sake of being done quicker.

I forgot- yeah, taking all of her stuff was stressful...but it's more stressful to have to deal with her constant mess, the attitude and everything else. This is much less stressful in the long run. Plus, when she shows she can be responsible, she'll gain things back slowly.

oh, ok--I see what you mean about the letters now. My younger son's handwriting is horrible. Was in school, still is today. His 6th grade teacher would come out to my mother's car in the afternoon (she picked him up from school) and wave papers around saying "CAN YOU READ THIS?" Which my mother found hilarious. Not funny that his handwriting was so bad but the way that teacher was acting. I mean, she was really getting all bent out of shape.

Anyway, when he realized that he was getting punished for bad grades and he was getting bad grades because they couldn't read his handwriting (because he can most certainly spell--he is the go to person in our house on how to spell anything), he straightened it up enough so that they could read it.

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

I threatened DD13 that I was going to put the new picture of her nasty room on my camera on Facebook and tag her name to it, so it would show up on her wall and all her friends would see it! It worked!!! So, she now knows that I'll do it, so I give the instruction and 1 warning, then that's all it takes.

 

[robinb]

Ok, Guys! Following all your advice and taking pieces of what sounded like it would work with my DD, I have spent the weekend in MS Excel! We now have a schedule that is to be followed from the moment she comes in the door after school, until bedtime. We have an hour of chores and an hour of "Free time" scheduled in. On another spreadsheet, the chores are listed, and I have DETAILED instructions on how to do them. (Because my daughter is a MASTER of finding loop-holes) There is a 'consequence' page that explains what she will miss out in if she doesn't do them. I appreciate all your help, and will let you know how this works.

I think you really need to think about what you're trying to teach here. Do you want her more responsible or do you want her to toe your line? Unfortunately, I think you will have a revolt on your hands. I'm not saying that you can't be tough, it's just that I don't see a lot of success going from ZERO to HARD NOSED LOCK-DOWN in one weekend. Be prepared to turn directly to that consequence page. Personally, I would have gone with baby steps but that's me.

I would suggest that you work in a system for her to earn back the privileges that she will lose.

 

[luvsJack]

Ok, Guys! Following all your advice and taking pieces of what sounded like it would work with my DD, I have spent the weekend in MS Excel! We now have a schedule that is to be followed from the moment she comes in the door after school, until bedtime. We have an hour of chores and an hour of "Free time" scheduled in. On another spreadsheet, the chores are listed, and I have DETAILED instructions on how to do them. (Because my daughter is a MASTER of finding loop-holes) There is a 'consequence' page that explains what she will miss out in if she doesn't do them. I appreciate all your help, and will let you know how this works.

Good luck. I would just like to add, don't stress yourself out about everything having to be done precisly "this way" or at "this moment". A schedule is great, but remember to be flexible. If she is the kind of person that needs flexiblity and you aren't, that can cause a lot of issues just based on a difference of personalities.

Some things are just easier if you let go of the control factor. For instance, I clean my bathroom a certain way. I showed dd one time how I do it, now its her job to clean her bathroom. She doesn't do things the same way I do, but thats ok. As long as the room is clean. Same thing with putting away her clothes. I don't care if everything is folded and put in drawers or hung on hangers--her clothes, her way. As long as when she comes out of her bedroom to go to school, church or where ever, the clothes she is wearing are neat and not wrinkled.

I remember a friend of mine in hs getting into a knock down/drag out with her mom over folding towels. Her Mom wanted them folded so they looked like a big square. My friend wanted to roll them. These two were actually yelling and my friend was crying, all over some towels. Finally, my friends father called a cease fire and stated that my friend could roll the towels that went in her bathroom and the mother could fold her towels into squares. Problem solved. I have thought about that many times in dealing with my teens. Sometimes when I say "do it MY way", I stop and think, "does it really matter that much"? If it doesn't then I let them do it their way or we find a compromise.

 

[momx2]

DD is grounded right now. No TV, computer or cell phone for the weekend. She got hysterical before school yesterday because we were running "late'. She would not have been late for school but would not have gotten there her usual 15 minutes early (going to be such a hard teen as I am FOREVER 15 minutes LATE or right on time )

I just wanted to say that while I don't agree with a hysterical meltdown, I do understand the desire or need to be early. You say you are forever 15 minutes late or just on time. That was my parents. They were and still are late for everything. By 12 or 13 I was getting everyone in my household up in the mornings and we were still late alot. It was very embarrassing to me and still is. My DH is this way too and we have issues with it. You may want to strive to be a bit early for your child. My DD was just telling me last week that she really liked being at school a bit early because it made the rest of her day easier. She has time to go to her locker and if she is on time, but not early, she can't go and it screws up her morning.

Trust me, her employer will appreciate her being early or at least on time in the future. It is a very good characteristic to have. She does need to learn not to get hysterical though, but I can see my DD getting that way too because it means that I just started her day off badly and there is nothing she can do about it.

 

[mjkacmom]

Discipline is difficult for me because I can never say no to my daughter. I her to keep her room relatively tidy, but she keeps putting it off. Or she just pushes everything to the side of the room. After awhile, I just end up cleaning it for her.

How about closing the door? I have a dd14, and her room is on the third floor - I never see it. Every now and then, when her friends are coming over to hang out, a bunch of hefty bags are brought to the garbage cans, the vacuum and pledge head upstairs. What teen likes to clean? Her chores consist of washing her hand-wash only clothes (in the washing machine), I put her clean clothes on her steps (I do laundry daily anyway), and putting her dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I'm a SAHM - everything else is my job (all of my kids put their clothes away, and I don't clean their bedrooms).

Teenagers are moody and hormonal - it's almost like a disease. It's temporary. Dd14 has all honors classes, and tons of homework - that's her job.

 

[momx2]

How about closing the door? I have a dd14, and her room is on the third floor - I never see it. Every now and then, when her friends are coming over to hang out, a bunch of hefty bags are brought to the garbage cans, the vacuum and pledge head upstairs. What teen likes to clean? Her chores consist of washing her hand-wash only clothes (in the washing machine), I put her clean clothes on her steps (I do laundry daily anyway), and putting her dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I'm a SAHM - everything else is my job (all of my kids put their clothes away, and I don't clean their bedrooms).

Teenagers are moody and hormonal - it's almost like a disease. It's temporary. Dd14 has all honors classes, and tons of homework - that's her job.

I agree!!!

 

[luvsJack]

I just wanted to say that while I don't agree with a hysterical meltdown, I do understand the desire or need to be early. You say you are forever 15 minutes late or just on time. That was my parents. They were and still are late for everything. By 12 or 13 I was getting everyone in my household up in the mornings and we were still late alot. It was very embarrassing to me and still is. My DH is this way too and we have issues with it. You may want to strive to be a bit early for your child. My DD was just telling me last week that she really liked being at school a bit early because it made the rest of her day easier. She has time to go to her locker and if she is on time, but not early, she can't go and it screws up her morning.

Trust me, her employer will appreciate her being early or at least on time in the future. It is a very good characteristic to have. She does need to learn not to get hysterical though, but I can see my DD getting that way too because it means that I just started her day off badly and there is nothing she can do about it.

Oh, believe me we have been early all year. A couple of days I have had to wait a few minutes for it to reach 7:20, the time they will actually let the kids start getting off the buses and out of the cars. The Tardy bell rings at 7:45. This was the one and only day she would have been "late" by her standards. She still would have had plenty of time to get to class (they don't have lockers), just not time to socialize with her friends out front.

We started this school year off with the agreement of what time we needed to get up and what time we need to leave each morning so that she arrives at school at her desired time. We wanted a built in buffer so that if we are "running late" we weren't really going to be late for class or work. she forgets that it was a buffer zone and not life or death if we don't leave at that exact time.

Sometimes things happen in the mornings. If it was an every day event, I would certainly change what I was doing; but that wasn't the case.

I am an employee and have been an employer and you are right, punctuality is greatly appreciated. I am glad that she will be one that gets where she is going when she needs to be there. She just needs to learn to do it calmly and a bit more quietly.

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

I agree with what everyone said. I actuall DIDNT put on the chore list the things I am "picky" about. I dont want to battle her about MY OCD...lol. I made a chore list for HER bathroom....She can put things WHERE she wants, as long as everything has a place. I'm just tired of the attitude that "Mom will always pick up MY messes"......Mom Does everything else, but having to clean HER messy bathroom, and re-organize HER disgusting room, a few times a year is DONE. (And who ever said I was trying to get her to pick up MY slack, that's not the case. It's a matter of learning to live with decency. She has actually attracted MICE to our house by having a bookbag or purse laying on her closet floor with crackers or snack in there!!)

 

[ccgirl]

I agree with what everyone said. I actuall DIDNT put on the chore list the things I am "picky" about. I dont want to battle her about MY OCD...lol. I made a chore list for HER bathroom....She can put things WHERE she wants, as long as everything has a place. I'm just tired of the attitude that "Mom will always pick up MY messes"......Mom Does everything else, but having to clean HER messy bathroom, and re-organize HER disgusting room, a few times a year is DONE. (And who ever said I was trying to get her to pick up MY slack, that's not the case. It's a matter of learning to live with decency. She has actually attracted MICE to our house by having a bookbag or purse laying on her closet floor with crackers or snack in there!!)

Sounds good! Good luck; I hope she sticks to the chart and can help you out more. That is my big thing too....a lot of my friends say, "it is her room, she should be able to keep it the way she wants it." Actually, it is my room as it is in my house that I pay for. Also, if she leaves old food, filthy clothes etc it will attract bugs which will then travel to the rest of the house. No interest in that.

Keep up the good work OP!

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree with what everyone said. I actuall DIDNT put on the chore list the things I am "picky" about. I dont want to battle her about MY OCD!!)

If you are even the least bit OCD, your battles will be her battles. I had no idea that my parents weren't normal until a few years ago. I just thought they were VERY neat. I'm 43 years old, and my parents will come into my house, and straighten up, put dishes away, etc. It wasn't until my out-of-town sister started to visit them for week-long visits, that I became aware (my dad would be so irritated with a phone charger on the counter). This summer, I would move things out of place, and watch them put them back. It's amazing the amount of energy they waste putting things back.

I was not neat as a child, but when I went away to college, my roommate was a slob, and having come from OCD parents, it drove me nuts. When I had my own apartment, I was a clean freak. Fortunately/unfortunately, my DH is a complete slob, so we meet in the middle. Having 5 kids, there is no way I'd survive with my old standards.

OP, most kids are messy, and really don't care if their rooms or bathrooms are a disaster.

 

[momx2]

Sounds good! Good luck; I hope she sticks to the chart and can help you out more. That is my big thing too....a lot of my friends say, "it is her room, she should be able to keep it the way she wants it." Actually, it is my room as it is in my house that I pay for. Also, if she leaves old food, filthy clothes etc it will attract bugs which will then travel to the rest of the house. No interest in that.

Keep up the good work OP!

I ban food in her room because of this, except for sleepovers when I make sure she gets it out of there. She can keep it a mess, just no food because of ants, etc. it attracts.

 

[robinb]

I ban food in her room because of this, except for sleepovers when I make sure she gets out of there. She can keep it a mess, just no food because of ants, etc. it attracts.

That's been a rule in our house since my DD was little. NO FOOD upstairs except under very specific circumstances. The last thing I want is to have a silverware hunt in my DD's room!

OP, it sounds like you are on the right track .

 

[graygables]

I have 4 DDs (25, 22, 14, & 12). It feels like I've been a mom forever. I did not have a good relationship with my own mother, so that has also informed how I parent. My children have known from Day 1 that they will respect me and my rules. They don't have to like them (or me, for that matter). I have been told I am the "meanest mother in the world" to which I respond, "THANK you!" I am all about natural consequences. If you go out with grungy clothes, people are going to stare at you and make you feel uncomfortable, so you'd better do your laundry. If the kitchen isn't clean, I can't make meals, so it's PB&J or microwaved soup. If you don't do your schoolwork (we homeschool, BTW), you will not have the necessary information to follow your career dreams and you may end up in a job you hate.

My girls have mastered all of the housework tasks around the house including laundry. They all cook and bake fairly well (and enjoy practicing!). I have a board up with the minimum expectations of the day (clean kitchen, sweep floors, etc), but THEY are the ones who come up with their daily schedule. As long as the kitchen is ready for me to make dinner, it doesn't matter when it happens during the day. I found that doing away with chore charts and handing daily planning over to them really ramped up the maturity levels and greatly reduced the stress levels.

As far as their rooms go...this is a touchy subject with me. I grew up in a museum, essentially. Seriously, anytime anyone came to our house, they got The Tour. My room was never my own. I even put up a poster in the back of my closet behind my clothes and my mother tore it down. Anytime I was told to clean my "pig sty", it was never good enough and my mother always came through after me, often throwing away things that were valuable to me. When I had my own children, I decided that their space would be THEIRS. I would offer guidance and assistance, but I would never nag them to clean up or tell them how to decorate or arrange. Some children are naturally messy and some are naturally neatniks. 12yo's room always looks like a tornado went through, but she sometimes decides it's overwhelming, so does a clean-up day and starts the process over again. 14yo's room is generally tidy, but she does let her clothes get out of hand. Again, an afternoon and all is set to rights. I have provided them with all of the tools they need (shelves, storage, bins, hangers, easy-to-make linens) and it's up to them what they do with it from there. Their rooms are their sanctuaries, just as mine is to me. I knock, they knock.

I have learned in my years of rearing girls that if I come alongside them as a trusted guide (NOT "friend", mind you), they have an easier time getting through the turmoil of the teen years. I will say, my 22yo lost her bedroom door a time or two from disrespectful behavior, but she has turned into a lovely young woman who still thinks I'm a pretty decent Mom.

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

So, last night it ACTUALLY worked out! There was no whining. She took a little longer, than I would have liked, but everything that was supposed to get done did! I'm having to lend a hand a little, and guide her, but she DID IT! And her room looks great, so does the bathroom.

 

[ccgirl]

So, last night it ACTUALLY worked out! There was no whining. She took a little longer, than I would have liked, but everything that was supposed to get done did! I'm having to lend a hand a little, and guide her, but she DID IT! And her room looks great, so does the bathroom.

Great news! I bet it will get better and better as she realizes this is just a way of life now.