Pregnancy and husband..PLEASE HELP!

[*Meagan*]

ok.. So my husband and I have been together for over 6 years.. married for 1 year. My husband just turned 28 and I will be 27 in January...my husband is TERRIFIED to have a child... Has anyone else run into this?

He says he wants children. But he is always worried about cost and being a good father etc (I think this is normal) We both have great full time jobs and are doing pretty well in life. We have talked children on different occasions. I'm ready.. I was born ready! But I don't want to push him or for him to hate me.. so I'm patiently waiting.. when is enough...enough?

Have any of you been there or are going through this right now? I can REALLY use some advice. Please and thank you!

 

[AKL_Megs]

ok.. So my husband and I have been together for over 6 years.. married for 1 year. My husband just turned 28 and I will be 27 in January...my husband is TERRIFIED to have a child... Has anyone else run into this?

He says he wants children. But he is always worried about cost and being a good father etc (I think this is normal) We both have great full time jobs and are doing pretty well in life. We have talked children on different occasions. I'm ready.. I was born ready! But I don't want to push him or for him to hate me.. so I'm patiently waiting.. when is enough...enough?

Have any of you been there or are going through this right now? I can REALLY use some advice. Please and thank you!

We are also ready, but waiting. We also both have great, full-time jobs, but guess what? One of us would probably have to give up working when baby came... That, or we'd spend that income on daycare. So, there is THAT to worry about. Have we saved enough financially for a baby?

This sounds stupid, but when we have a baby, we want to, financially, be 100% prepared. We have some home construction that we want done before the added expense of a baby (finishing our basement, new deck, new roof). It's stupid, but imagine those expenses on top of a baby!

We are planning on my getting pregnant this time two years from now... An early summer baby at the time I turn 30.

My point, it's not something to rush into if you aren't comfortable rushing into! Make a plan together, and maybe he'll be more comfortable!

 

[*Meagan*]

We are also ready, but waiting. We also both have great, full-time jobs, but guess what? One of us would probably have to give up working when baby came... That, or we'd spend that income on daycare. So, there is THAT to worry about. Have we saved enough financially for a baby?

This sounds stupid, but when we have a baby, we want to, financially, be 100% prepared. We have some home construction that we want done before the added expense of a baby (finishing our basement, new deck, new roof). It's stupid, but imagine those expenses on top of a baby!

We are planning on my getting pregnant this time two years from now... An early summer baby at the time I turn 30.

My point, it's not something to rush into if you aren't comfortable rushing into! Make a plan together, and maybe he'll be more comfortable!

Thanks Megs. I totally see your point. We talk about plans and then he starts to freak out. He like psychs himself out or something! OY!

We both will be going to work after a baby arrives but we work great schedules to where we would not need day care.

It is just frustrating sometimes.. he says he is ready and then changes his mind. We are pretty financially stable for a baby.. its just hubby can not seem to make up his mind.

I also think he is worried because he will finally need to grow up (not that he is not an adult) but he will now be responsible for another human being.

 

[Buckalew11]

I was like this. I was waiting and waiting until the perfect time. It wasn't coming.

I remember one day I had to run into our Food Lion (grocery) for something quick and as I was walking through there a young mom (younger than me) had 3 babies with her. 2 in the cart and one walking beside her. They did not look like they had a lot of $$.

I remember thinking if she could have 3, surely we could afford one. That was my lightbulb moment

I had DD when I was 29, DH was just shy of 34; we had been married 6 1/2 yrs.

I always wondered if I'd be a good mom. For yrs. I never wanted children. We only tried once and I remember doubting myself afterward and thinking, "I'm not sure if I'm really ready for this." Too late, lol.

We've done fine. I will say that often that *doubt* about being whether you will be a good parent turns into doubting you are doing it all "right" while you are one, lol.

Unless he is some kind of immature jerk of a DH who is selfish and self-centered, he'll be a good dad. He's aware of of the commitment and energy it takes to be a parent/father/dad and that is a good thing. Not something to take lightly and too many do. (men and women both) But it also isn't something to stress about. Parents make mistakes, he will not be perfect.

Best of luck to you two. It is a big decision when you have the choice to actually do it.

 

[MickeySP]

All I can say looking back is that there is no "perfect" time. There will always be reasons to or not to have a baby.

I would say if you can get DH to calmly tell you his biggest fear, for some reason fatherhood to some guys is the end of an era. Like you mention they have to be grownups.

Maybe point out all the kid things he will get to do, teaching him/her to play ball, ride a bike etc... in many ways you get to be a kid again with them. Not to say living trhough them but getting to see the world through their eyes is fun.

Any buddies with kids who are great fun Dads? Maybe he can spend a day out with them and see the fun it can be.

 

[powellrj]

My DS is the same way. I was with him when the doctor came out and told him that if they are ever going to have a baby, it has to be this year or it just may not ever happen, and he is scared to death. They both have lots of health issues, so it really is now or never and he is leaning towards never and it is upsetting to watch the stress it is on both of them.

 

[tlbwriter]

Maybe you can sit him down and talk about what it will take to make him feel ready. A certain amount of money in the bank? A parenting class? It probably isn't anything that concrete, but you can help him start thinking about what needs to change in order for him to be ready for this.

 

[Christine]

I was like this. I was waiting and waiting until the perfect time. It wasn't coming.

I remember one day I had to run into our Food Lion (grocery) for something quick and as I was walking through there a young mom (younger than me) had 3 babies with her. 2 in the cart and one walking beside her. They did not look like they had a lot of $$.

I remember thinking if she could have 3, surely we could afford one. That was my lightbulb moment

I had DD when I was 29, DH was just shy of 34; we had been married 6 1/2 yrs.

I always wondered if I'd be a good mom. For yrs. I never wanted children. We only tried once and I remember doubting myself afterward and thinking, "I'm not sure if I'm really ready for this." Too late, lol.

We've done fine. I will say that often that *doubt* about being whether you will be a good parent turns into doubting you are doing it all "right" while you are one, lol.

Unless he is some kind of immature jerk of a DH who is selfish and self-centered, he'll be a good dad. He's aware of of the commitment and energy it takes to be a parent/father/dad and that is a good thing. Not something to take lightly and too many do. (men and women both) But it also isn't something to stress about. Parents make mistakes, he will not be perfect.

Best of luck to you two. It is a big decision when you have the choice to actually do it.

This was me also. I was married 9 years before I got pregnant. I *always* found an excuse not to have children. For a good while, I used the "I'm too young excuse" which I was for awhile. Then it was "Oh, we are overseas and I want to be home with my family when I have a child." Then we got home and it was "well, I'm starting a new job and don't have enough money." All were very valid excuses, for sure, but I kept coming up with them. If my birth control hadn't failed I would still be here at age 46 telling you why I wouldn't be ready to have kids.

I will tell you the god's honest truth here--I don't really think I had a strong desire for them. And so normal fears really took over. I think if you really, really, really want kids, that desire overrides any of the normal (valid) fears about having children brings on.

None of this means that I think you should "just do it." I think it is very important for you and your husband to really examine his feelings toward having children. He says he wants them, but does he really or does he think it is what he should be doing? I'm never in favor of pressuring anymore. It might be great to really talk out the level of his desire for children. If he really truly wants them and it's just his fears going haywire then it becomes of case of "just do it." It's the only way to get past it.

 

[jodifla]

ok.. So my husband and I have been together for over 6 years.. married for 1 year. My husband just turned 28 and I will be 27 in January...my husband is TERRIFIED to have a child... Has anyone else run into this?

He says he wants children. But he is always worried about cost and being a good father etc (I think this is normal) We both have great full time jobs and are doing pretty well in life. We have talked children on different occasions. I'm ready.. I was born ready! But I don't want to push him or for him to hate me.. so I'm patiently waiting.. when is enough...enough?

Have any of you been there or are going through this right now? I can REALLY use some advice. Please and thank you!

Frankly, you are still very young and a newlywed. Your husband sounds as if he wants to spend some time enjoying life and his time with you.

We didn't have our son until 13 years after we were married. While that was longer than even we planned, it gave us time to really prosper in our careers, travel to Europe and the Caribbean, and pursue individual goals that would have been quite difficult with kids. We bought a house, paid off our Disney time share and cars, and were quite ready for a child.

Unlike what others have said, I found there WAS a good time to have children, and I'm glad I waited to do so.

 

[sunnyday123]

We are also ready, but waiting. We also both have great, full-time jobs, but guess what? One of us would probably have to give up working when baby came... That, or we'd spend that income on daycare. So, there is THAT to worry about. Have we saved enough financially for a baby?

This sounds stupid, but when we have a baby, we want to, financially, be 100% prepared. We have some home construction that we want done before the added expense of a baby (finishing our basement, new deck, new roof). It's stupid, but imagine those expenses on top of a baby!

We are planning on my getting pregnant this time two years from now... An early summer baby at the time I turn 30.

My point, it's not something to rush into if you aren't comfortable rushing into! Make a plan together, and maybe he'll be more comfortable!

Just an fyi to you both, if you wait until you are 100% financially ready, you'll never have children. Seriously.

Many people work and manage to pay for day care and have money left over. Day care is expensive for an infant, but it's also not the end of the world. You could look into cutting your hours back, or having family members help out. Moms and MIL's in particular would walk through fire at the chance to watch a new grandchild.

You CAN afford to do things once the baby arrives, they are expensive, but your priorities also change, and that money that went somewhere else, goes to the latest Elmo. My two biggest concerns would be do I have health insurance and can I afford the basics?? Just because something is marketed for a baby doesn't mean you have to own it.

Having children IS a big step, but honestly, it's not something you can plan down to the last penny.

 

[RitaE]

When is enough of what enough?

Sit down with your husband and ask him the whens and whats he would like to see happen. Does he want to be married for 2 or 3 years first, does he want to save a certain amount of money? Does he want to reach a certain promotion at his job?

Nobody here can answer these questions for you.

 

[Colleen27]

My husband is like that. If we'd had to plan it I don't think we'd ever have had children. I'm pretty sure he'd have gone directly from "not ready financially" to "too old", not because he didn't want children but because he's a planner and has a tough time with major change.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Unlike what others have said, I found there WAS a good time to have children, and I'm glad I waited to do so.

I totally agree with this statement. DH and I waited 8 years to have our children. We are financially secure that we own a nice home in a good school district and my part-time income is used for "fun". We still vacation alot with and without the kids and no bills to account for. Things we definetly wouldn't have had if we had kids immediately after we were married.

Just an fyi to you both, if you wait until you are 100% financially ready, you'll never have children. Seriously.

.

From the above post, I don't believe this statement at all. DH and I definetly waited until we were debt free and financially able to have kids. Our lifestyle barely changed, other than we take kids with us out to eat and with us on vacations now.
Every person is different though and you have to do whats right for you. My husband is very money oriented and refuses to live with debt. He made it perfectly clear he wanted to wait and have kids before we were even married.

 

[sunnyday123]

Also, remember it's not as easy as, "I want to be pregnant now" and poof! you're pregnant. Things can happen, and there can be bumps in the road. I believe 35 is considered advanced maternal age ( they even nicely write that on your chart ) and for some women, it's harder to get pregnant as they get older, and there are certain risks involved.

I am in now way telling you to rush out and get pregnant, but that should be part of your discussion as well.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Also, remember it's not as easy as, "I want to be pregnant now" and poof! you're pregnant. Things can happen, and there can be bumps in the road. I believe 35 is considered advanced maternal age ( they even nicely write that on your chart ) and for some women, it's harder to get pregnant as they get older, and there are certain risks involved.

I am in now way telling you to rush out and get pregnant, but that should be part of your discussion as well.

I do definetly agree with this. I was 32 when I had my son, and we were both undecided if he was going to be an only. When DS was 3 , we tried to have another, and tried and tried. Finally after over 5 years DD was finally born. I was nervous it was never going to happen. But OP you have lots of time until you are considered: "advanced maternal age".

 

[Green Tea]

If everyone waited until they knew they were ready, no one would be having children. A wise elderly man told my DH that when we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant a few years into our marriage. It is really true. When you think of all the what ifs, no one can be completely prepared. It is kind of like jumping off the best cliff in the world.

 

[mjkacmom]

Our first child was a surprise (as were the last). It was not a convinient time to get pregnant with our first. We had been married only 5 months (but we dated over 6 years), we were living in a 2 room apartment, I was in grad school fulltime, and had to squeeze in my student teaching early (because there was no way we could afford daycare and me not working). My initial plan, before the surprise, was to get a teaching job and tenure, and then start a family, putting the kids in daycare. Even when I was pregnant, my plan was to have the baby, and try to get a teaching job. Turns out, once I had her, I couldn't put her in daycare (a total surprise to me). I'm so glad how things worked out!

Actually, things really, really worked out, because our plan B was to have children back to back, and when they were in school, I'd go to work. When we became pregnant with #2, we were living as caretakers in a historic house, and 2 kids wouldn't have worked well there, so we were almost forced to purchase a home, in 1997. A couple years later, the real estate market took off, and our home's value increased about $300,000. Thank goodness we bought when we did!

 

[PigletsMommy]

Also, remember it's not as easy as, "I want to be pregnant now" and poof! you're pregnant. Things can happen, and there can be bumps in the road. I believe 35 is considered advanced maternal age ( they even nicely write that on your chart ) and for some women, it's harder to get pregnant as they get older, and there are certain risks involved.

I am in now way telling you to rush out and get pregnant, but that should be part of your discussion as well.

I was just going to say this. You can feel 100% financially ready. You can have the space, the time, the money... doesn't mean you will get pregnant right then & there.

We went thru many months of trying before I went to a Dr to talk about getting pregnant. We were pretty lucky I did that... months could have easily turned to years for us. We found out within a year of testing & some treatments that we would not have children without major medical help. Without getting into TMI... my infertility dr told us that, while there is always a small possibility, the likelyhood of us getting pregnant the good ol fashion way was almost nothing.

 

[minkydog]

Thanks Megs. I totally see your point. We talk about plans and then he starts to freak out. He like psychs himself out or something! OY!

We both will be going to work after a baby arrives but we work great schedules to where we would not need day care.

It is just frustrating sometimes.. he says he is ready and then changes his mind. We are pretty financially stable for a baby.. its just hubby can not seem to make up his mind.

I also think he is worried because he will finally need to grow up (not that he is not an adult) but he will now be responsible for another human being.

I went through this with DH too. We had talked about children before we got married, but a few weeks after the wedding he announced at the breakfast table that he had decided that we shouldn't have any children. Wha-a-a? So I let it lie for awhile and worked on getting ourselves established. By the time I was 26 I was really ready to get started (I knew we were going to have some fertility issues and I didn't want to wait too long.) But DH still wouldn't budge. So I had some difficult decisions to make--how badly do I want children with this man? Is this a deal breaker? I finally had to admit that having children was a major goal for me and if he didn't want that, then we needed to part ways. DH was SHOCKED that I would even consider divorce over this matter. I told him I'd give him a year to make up his mind.

Thankfully, DH did change his mind a year later and we got to work. I was correct about the fertility issues--it took 3 years to get pregnant. I never put that ultimatum to him again and we never again sought out treatment for infertility. We did eventually have 2 more children, when I was 38 & 40. I don't know exactly what the problem with DH was. He was fairly immature, as alot of men are in their 20s. He was fairly selfish as well. DH didn't want to be "tied down." But he changed his way of thinking after the kids came and now he couldn't imagine life without them.

I don't recommend my approach to anyone unless you're willing to back it up. I don't throw out the D-word lightly. But in my situation, I know that I would have been supremely unhappy if I had not at least *tried* to have a baby.

 

[ToddyLu]

My DH did not really want children when we married, but I thought he would change his mind. He hasn't and won't. We were married 16 years this past Friday. At 29, I would cry about it and would ultimately put it off because I did have more time. At 32 it was still an issue but I wasn't terribly concerned. 36, we are now seeing a pattern and I have to make a decision as to how important his decision to me..he has already had my best years to himself...we are successful and happy and he is extremely supportive and we can afford to do most anything we want. I am getting more anxious at this point but I do love my husband and begin thinking "well we might not could get pregnant anyway". At 40 I get the news that I need a female procedure which will end my capiblities. It was not immediate but if we wanted a child it was now or never and I would need to see a fertiltiy specialist right away simply becaue of my age and the need to get it done quickly. I begged, cried up until the evening before my surgery. I had the procedure because ultimately I loved the man I married and for some reason he just was not able to see himself as a Dad. I plenty of time to decide if it was a deal breaker. This was my man's only fault. Now at 42 we travel, own DVC, have fun on weekends and nice quiet evenings at home. I have had a great marriage and life with him and we are both happy. At 42 being a mother is not as important anymore and so I have had to move on....we do have nieces and nephews and I dote on them as much as possible.

My advice is to have a child if you want to and if your DH wants to...that's easy...have a child. As my doctor told me once...buy some alcohol, romance him a little and get the job done. Very frank advice, but my DH didn't fall for it. It sounds like you may have to be the one to push a little but his desire is there and it should be easy.