Please help/advice DD wanting a sibling, and it's not happening

Discussion in 'Disney for Single Parents' started by Goldilocks07, May 16, 2016.

  1. Goldilocks07

    Goldilocks07 A rockin' mom and her sweet princess

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    I am about to be a single parent, and my DD asks REGULARLLY for a sibling. It breaks my heart. It is the sole reason I considered staying with my STBX. He wanted more children, I wanted OUT. I knew that by having a second child I would seal my miserable fate and slowly lose my mind, heart and soul. Painfully, I chose not to have a second child because I knew I didn't love my STBX and wanted, at some point, a divorce.

    It breaks my heart into pieces every time she asks me. I feel such guilt. My DD is a bright, caring and gentle child, she's always been the mothering type- always shares, takes her time with little children, loves babies. She is not the "play by herself happy single" type of child. The teachers always place classmates that need a little help (physically, mentally) with her because she's so patient and kind and thoughtful- and helpful. She really deserves a sibling, and I feel terrible not providing her with one, and myself a second child. I would like one as well. But her to grow up a single child pains me. I just don't have experience with that.

    In your experience, how have you dealt with the anguish of telling a 5 year old that you are not giving them a sibling?

    FYI, I'm 40 years old, and in the process of divorcing my husband. We've slept separately since last August.

    Thank you.
     
  2. Vijoge

    Vijoge Seeing the World through their eyes. . .

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    I have a good friend who is dealing with this also, but frankly, choosing to parent another child(ren) is not a decision that should be made because your daughter wants it.
     
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  4. MrsCobraBubbles

    MrsCobraBubbles DIS Veteran

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    I'm sorry. I just had this conversation with my own 5 year old. I'm 34 but I can't have more kids because I've had preeclampsia with both my pregnancies and the high-risk OB warned me NOT to get pregnant after 35. So, sadly I'm done because I have no intention of risking my life again when I've got two wonderful children to care for. But I wouldn't let a divorce stop me from having another child if I really wanted one. I mean, do you really want another kid? Because there are other ways to have one and if you can have a healthy pregnancy then you should go for it while you still can. Having 2 really isn't much more work than just one.

    My 5 year old brought home a very detailed drawing from school a few weeks ago--it was a picture of our family and there was my husband an me, our teenage son, our daughter, and a little baby in my arms. She said the picture was for the new baby : ( It broke my heart because I think she'd be a great big sister and I feel so bad that I can't give her that. Her older brother is 13 and is on the autism spectrum, there really isn't much of a bond between the two of them so my daughter won't ever experience having a close sibling. Maybe you can ask your daughter what prompted her to ask and start your answer from there? I know why my daughter asked about a sibling, almost half of the kids in her preschool class are newly big brothers and sisters, or they are about to be. It's crazy!!! I've never seen so many pregnant moms together, outside of a lamaze class.

    What I told my daughter was: mommy can't have any more babies, but we can have fun playing with Miss (name of my best friend)'s new baby after he's born. Then I distracted her by asking her what sort of present she thought we should buy for the new baby and I asked if she would draw a card for him. If you don't happen to have any close friends that are pregnant with a surrogate sibling for your daughter, a puppy or kitten or other little fluffy thing that your daughter can care for might make a suitable replacement for your daughter affections and mothering instincts, if that's possible for you in your current circumstances. I'm sure some people will get angry at me for suggesting that though. But it works. I know because I got a divorce kitten when my parents divorced, i was 8 years old and it really helped me.

    My husband and I just separated about 2 weeks ago. It's harder than I imagined, not really on me so much because our marriage hasn't been good for a long time, but it's so hard to look at my kids knowing that they'll probably never live under the same roof with both parents ever again. My husband has his faults but I know he loves his kids and I know they love him as well, especially our daughter who's a daddy's girl. I'm already noticing behavioral problems with both kids and I think we're going to do family counseling for a little while. Unfortunately, divorce kittens aren't an option for my kids because I don't know how much longer we'll be living in our home, this old house is too much work for me, we're probably going to get an apartment.
     
  5. Goldilocks07

    Goldilocks07 A rockin' mom and her sweet princess

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    Oh I KNOW. I was going to write something about that as well but feeling under the weather and couldn't muster up the typing.

    I completely agree! Which is also why I didn't do it. I actually really really do want another child. SO MUCH. I just didn't want to have one with my husband. :(
     
  6. Simba07

    Simba07 Mouseketeer

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    We have emphasized to our daughter some of the positives of being an only child: our "extra" room is her playroom instead of a nursery; we get to go to restaurants and vacations the she wants instead of places that would be suitable for a baby; extra room in the backseat (she appreciates that one after road trips with her cousins); etc. She is still sad about it sometimes, but she also talks about how she is lucky sometimes too.
     
  7. Goldilocks07

    Goldilocks07 A rockin' mom and her sweet princess

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    Wow.

    It's like I was writing this for myself!

    My daughter came home the other day with an amazing drawing of our family. I am on one side of the page, my husband on the other, my daughter in the middle. Sad. But oh well.

    And I totally do agree on getting a divorce pet. She wants something furry and cute, I settled for a hamster. She is beyond thrilled. The hamster, to her knowledge, is for the apartment move. She does not know we are moving separately. She's going to freak, and I am as well. But she's so happy to get pets. She's obsessed with animals. We have 2 cats, but I'm happy to get her something else. My husband won't allow anything small like that in the apartment. I'm actually looking forward to a teensy lil furball. lol

    AND, everyone she knows with the exception of like, one or two people, have siblings. She's in pre-k, and pregnancy is ALL OVER the place. She begs me for a baby in my belly. Breaks my heart.
     
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  8. Sleepingbeauty101

    Sleepingbeauty101 Earning My Ears

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    My daughter has done the same thing since she was three! She would ask me every day after I picked her up from the sitters if I found a husband. I asked her why and she said because she wants a lil brother or sister. And one day after asking me again she told me that all I have to do is go stand on a corner to find a husband! Lol she is now 7 and I am 40. I think she has somewhat given up on the idea of her having a sibling! My boyfriend now has a teenage daughter and my daughter has a half sister. He is not opposed to having a baby but I told him it has to be soon! Good luck to you!
     
  9. Goldilocks07

    Goldilocks07 A rockin' mom and her sweet princess

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    Sleepingbeauty10 that gave me a laugh about standing on the corner!!!! hahaha

    Yes, I'm hoping to meet someone with kids of their own- but really I need to just focus on my DD and letting her know how special she is. And adopt every furry animal I can for her! lol
     
  10. Zoesmama03

    Zoesmama03 DIS Veteran

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    My daughter got past that part. She does have siblings now though that her dad has had 3 daughter's with his gf/fiance. Of course he doesn't keep in her life to well. :( So she doesn't really acknowledge them as siblings.
     
  11. wench

    wench DIS Veteran

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    I did this with my son as well. After getting divorced, I knew I wasn't going to have another child. And so it was just my son & I most of the time. Although he didn't beg for a sibling, he did ask sometimes. Although, I try not to spoil him most of the time, on Birthdays, Christmas & vacations I go all out. I pointed out many times how things like that would be so different with another child. I tried not to make a solely materialistic thing & explained the other reasons why it would be difficult. But let's face it, the "what's in it for him" with or without a sibling, had the most effect.

    It's funny you say after "road trips with her cousins" she appreciated being an only child more. Ours was after WDW with grandma, where we really had to change the way we vacation. That really hit home for him that he likes our vacations the most when it's just the two of us.
     
  12. Bekkamain

    Bekkamain Earning My Ears

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    My soon to be 4 DD has started asking for a sibling. I told her she can pretend my best friends kids are her siblings. We get a kick out of it when we go out together and people assume we are a family. In a way we are, just not the way they think xD. My DD still asks though. I'll adopt or do the donor deal in a few years because I do want another but it's been just me and her from the get go.
     
  13. Goldilocks07

    Goldilocks07 A rockin' mom and her sweet princess

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    She asked, begged me again today. :( (she asks me 5-10 times a week)

    I told her: doesn't she love having things to herself, no one to share with?

    Ugh she's just so sweet. She responded with something like this: mommy I don't want things to myself I like to share my toys and have someone to share with. I don't mind sharing. Please, just give me a baby brother or sister. Just do it.

    Tears. :(
     
  14. StirlingSilver83

    StirlingSilver83 DIS Veteran

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    I am not a single parent, I do have 2 kids though, but their age difference makes it look like my 2nd was an oops when he really was something we tried for for years! Anyways I can't have anymore children because I am a high risk pregnancy. My older son who is 9 keeps telling my younger son who will be 3 next month, that when we have another baby then he will know what its like to be the big brother and that its not an easy job, lol. I always correct my son and tell him we are more than likely not having another baby (at least biologically). I would love another child bc I just love my kids and have so much room in my heart for another child. We live in a little cape cod house, but we want to eventually move to a bigger house. When we do move to that bigger house there will be nothing standing in my way of adopting a little girl (I already have 2 boys, so we would need a girl, LOL). Anyways if you really want a 2nd child then don't let the fact of being a single parent get in your way of accomplishing that.
     
  15. Goldilocks07

    Goldilocks07 A rockin' mom and her sweet princess

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    I love what you wrote.

    Do you think it's ok to have children at 40/41/42? I'm 40 now. Obviously if I will be in my 40s if I indeed have another. Is this fair? I struggle with this decision as well. It's torture. But I'd like another, and my daughter would be such an amazing big sister.
     
  16. StirlingSilver83

    StirlingSilver83 DIS Veteran

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    I don't really think age matters. What matters is the love u are willing to give. Also if u do decide to go the adoption route u don't need to adopt a baby...u could always adopt a toddler closer to your daughters age.
     
  17. jevs

    jevs Boring Poster

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    Only you can answer this question. Personally, I wouldn't but if for some strange reason I did, I would make sure my general health was in tip top condition.
     
  18. Paula Sedley-Burke

    Paula Sedley-Burke Proud to believe in Rainbows and Unicorns...

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    It is very telling of your caring nature towards your daughter your post. If your ex left because of issues of a larger family maybe she will get step brother or sisters in the future. Also she might get close friendships with girls at school and have sleepovers in the future.

    Another consideration is fostering?

    A dog? Sounds lame but all these things help. At the end of the day I know one thing, she has a Mom that loves her. That is the most salient thing any kid could want. A parent that adores them.
     
  19. Goldilocks07

    Goldilocks07 A rockin' mom and her sweet princess

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    Thank you.

    My STBX wanted more children. And still does.
    I couldn't bare to have more children, WITH HIM. He is a great Dad, in terms of playing with Madeleine. It's just that I'm treated like the maid, nanny, slave. He thinks because he makes money he doesn't have to do ANYTHING else. ANYTHING. Even getting her dressed, or brushing her teeth. I could go on and on and ON about why we are getting a divorce and why I didn't want to have another child with him. I could write pages, but not the point of this thread.

    I am considering fostering or adopting.

    And also considering a dog, but definitely not until I'm settled, which would be at least a year from now. Once I move out, I'm getting her a pair of hamsters. I've always wanted them myself! She wants to name them Chip and Dale. Ha!
     
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  20. Paula Sedley-Burke

    Paula Sedley-Burke Proud to believe in Rainbows and Unicorns...

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    How scary that a person with this attitude wants more children... I earn money. My duty stops there...

    Err no Daddy! There is bathtime, playtime, Mom breaktime, dinner time, doctors.... Need I go on. I was lucky I had a SAHM and a Dad that worked. I heard Daddy pound those stairs when the door shut when he got in. He raced to take over bathtime screaming with delight. He helped serve dinner. He gave Mum a break. Every night he made up a story before bedtime. That's a Dad. Shame on your ex.

    I love the idea of a pair of hamsters, they are cute pets and I love those names. I had a hamster. I adored him. You have to put it in context of time. He was called Luke Skywalker....
     
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  21. StirlingSilver83

    StirlingSilver83 DIS Veteran

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    When I was younger I wanted guinea pigs...they are sooo sweet and they talk and are just super interactive with you (more so than hamsters I think LOL)...Anyways I had 1 guinea pig, but she died at an early age (she was 2 I think), and I LOVED her...when we went out to try and find another guinea pig I came across these pair of guinea pigs...I loved the 1 and we took him home and I named him Chip bc he was a spectacled color. Anyways when we got him home he just looked sad and depressed, so my mom called the pet store and come to find out the piggie he was with was his bonded brother that they had been together since birth (they were about a year old). I was so ticked off! Why wouldn't they tell us that at the store! Anyways back to the store we went to adopt his brother and we named him Dale, lol...Chip and Dale were so happy to see each other again when we got them both in the cage there was a lot of talking and happy squeals that day, lol...I was so happy for them!
     

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