please give me your opinion

[polysisterchick]

ok so my english teacher gave us an assignment to write a poem and the first stanza is due tomorrow. Me being the procrastinator (of course) has waited till tonight to write it.. and if you would please be COMPLETELY honest about what you think of this stanza
(BTW--I can't do poetry...at all)

The maiden girl with long dark hair
Stood silently in the hidden trove
Her fingers nimble as she wove
*While waiting to meet him in there.*


The woven palm trees soon fell down
When forgotten by the sight of him
Running across the floor so brown
She fell into his embraceful limbs

*If anyone could help me fit this into the poem, It would be GREATLY appreciated*

This is what I have so far... please help me with you opinion!

 

[MuNkY]

I'm no poet, but I like it.

 

[polysisterchick]

really?

 

[MuNkY]

really?

Yeah.

 

[polysisterchick]

Thanks

 

[Sparx]

I am a poet/songwriter and I like it.

 

[!!PonyBoy!!]

I write poems too and that is great

 

[polysisterchick]

Thanks everyone
I didn't really think it was good but yall have lifted my confidence, gopefully my english teacher will like it

 

[Enchanted]

I'm not the best poet in the world either, but I love to write, and I thought it was great! Good job!

 

[AmoDolphin]

It's awesome! Good job!

 

[U Just Got PUNKD]

I sometimes (when i'm mad or sad) write poetry but I suck at it..

Thought it was really good!

 

[polysisterchick]

Ok so I made some changes and added to it... tell me what you think please.

The maiden girl with long dark hair
Stood silently in the hidden trove
Her fingers nimble as she wove
While waiting to meet her love in there

The woven palm trees soon fell down
When forgotten by the sight of him
Running across the floor so brown
She fell into his embraceful limbs

The hidden love was soon discovered
As king of the tribe had found their cave
The heir’s true love now uncovered
The royal tribesmen official slave

The king’s right-hand men grabbed the slave
And drug her o’er to the cobra pit
The slave gave her love one last wave
Before pushed down to her squirming grave


Yes I realize the last stanza doesnt work am still trying to get it right... thankfully that's not due tomorrow!

 

[Daisymae26]

Awesome job on the poem!

The only criticism I have is that in the second stanza, third line, I don't really like the use of the word "brown". I know it rhymes with down, but is there another word you could change it to?

It's just my opinion.

 

[lil_minnie]

I wrote a poem last year in Grade 6 called "Nat the Cat." Ever since, I got an A for it, presented it in front of my whole school, and had it published in the school newspaper. Here it is:



Nat the Cat was getting fat
and made his owner yell:
"If you don't stop eating now
my house will surely smell"

Nat the Cat was getting fat
but did not want to diet.
It drove his owber crazy
and it made her want to riot.

Nat the Cat was getting fat
and now no longer had any friends.
His owner left him at the pound
and Nat's days were sure to end.

Nat the Cat was getting fat
and Nat wanted to go home.
When the 'guards' weren't looking,
he snuck over to the phone.

Nat the Cat was getting fat
as he called his owner.
She promised to take him back
if he got fat no longer.

Nat the Cat was getting fat
so his owner said.
When she came to claim him,
Nat was nearly dead.

Nat the Cat was getting fat
and from that, getting very sick.
But his owner put him on a diet
and it worked really quick.

Nat the Cat was getting fat
a long month ago.
But now he's nice and skinny
just in time for the snow.

And when the snow came,
so do holidays.
And with holidays came great feasts,
such as ham with a glaze.

It was so irresistable for a cat,
and Nat just had to eat.
Now Nat is terribly fat
and threw up on his owner's feet!

 

[lil_minnie]

Ok so I made some changes and added to it... tell me what you think please.

The maiden girl with long dark hair
Stood silently in the hidden trove
Her fingers nimble as she wove
While waiting to meet her love in there

The woven palm trees soon fell down
When forgotten by the sight of him
Running across the floor so brown
She fell into his embraceful limbs

The hidden love was soon discovered
As king of the tribe had found their cave
The heir’s true love now uncovered
The royal tribesmen official slave

The king’s right-hand men grabbed the slave
And drug her o’er to the cobra pit
The slave gave her love one last wave
Before pushed down to her squirming grave


Yes I realize the last stanza doesnt work am still trying to get it right... thankfully that's not due tomorrow!

Very good poem. I loved it (adding it to my list of favorite poems and stories!)

 

[Sparx]

I wrote a poem last year in Grade 6 called "Nat the Cat." Ever since, I got an A for it, presented it in front of my whole school, and had it published in the school newspaper. Here it is:



Nat the Cat was getting fat
and made his owner yell:
"If you don't stop eating now
my house will surely smell"

Nat the Cat was getting fat
but did not want to diet.
It drove his owber crazy
and it made her want to riot.

Nat the Cat was getting fat
and now no longer had any friends.
His owner left him at the pound
and Nat's days were sure to end.

Nat the Cat was getting fat
and Nat wanted to go home.
When the 'guards' weren't looking,
he snuck over to the phone.

Nat the Cat was getting fat
as he called his owner.
She promised to take him back
if he got fat no longer.

Nat the Cat was getting fat
so his owner said.
When she came to claim him,
Nat was nearly dead.

Nat the Cat was getting fat
and from that, getting very sick.
But his owner put him on a diet
and it worked really quick.

Nat the Cat was getting fat
a long month ago.
But now he's nice and skinny
just in time for the snow.

And when the snow came,
so do holidays.
And with holidays came great feasts,
such as ham with a glaze.

It was so irresistable for a cat,
and Nat just had to eat.
Now Nat is terribly fat
and threw up on his owner's feet!

I love it. Very awesome.

 

[Sparx]

Ok so I made some changes and added to it... tell me what you think please.

The maiden girl with long dark hair
Stood silently in the hidden trove
Her fingers nimble as she wove
While waiting to meet her love in there

The woven palm trees soon fell down
When forgotten by the sight of him
Running across the floor so brown
She fell into his embraceful limbs

The hidden love was soon discovered
As king of the tribe had found their cave
The heir’s true love now uncovered
The royal tribesmen official slave

The king’s right-hand men grabbed the slave
And drug her o’er to the cobra pit
The slave gave her love one last wave
Before pushed down to her squirming grave


Yes I realize the last stanza doesnt work am still trying to get it right... thankfully that's not due tomorrow!

I like it, but going to be critical, because I think that is what you want. You have some lines that don't make total sence.

The girl is a slave, right? I would state that towards the begining. maybe add a stanza before
"The woven palm trees soon fell down
When forgotten by the sight of him
Running across the floor so brown
She fell into his embraceful limbs "
saying that she is a slave, and that she isn't supposed to be there. maybe something about a secret rondevous?

On the last stanza, this is how I would write it.

And all the kings horses and all the kings men
found the slave that day.
she gave her love one last wave
Before meeting her untimely grave.

But that might just be me.

However you want to do it, I think you've got a good idea, I really like waht you've got.

 

[Azure]

That's amazing! On my poetry assignment I nearly got perfect because I put emotion into it:

Sadness soaks me... I forgot the rest

 

[lil_minnie]

I love it. Very awesome.

Yay!! People like my poem.

 

[polysisterchick]

Sparx and Daisymae26,
wow, those are really good points. Thanks! I will seriously consider and try to use your suggestions. Thanks

The maiden girl with long dark hair
Stood secretly in the hidden trove
Her fingers nimble as she wove
While waiting to meet her love in there

I changed silently to secretly... that way it implies a secret rendezvous