Play date faux pas?

[Hemlock]

My daughter invited a friend (I will call her Allie) over for a play date. Anyway, the play date included lunch at our home. I made homemade pizza with pepperoni, bacon and cheese (my kids favourite toppings). Anyway, Allie proceeds to pick off all the toppings off her pizza, but eats it without complaint. As I am clearing the dishes, I remember that Allie's family is Jewish! I apologized to her about the pizza toppings and explained that I forgot about their family being Jewish. Allie says "it's o.k., I just don't like pepperoni and bacon". So I am not sure if she just doesn't like bacon or can't eat it due to her religious beliefs.

I know Allie's mother a little bit as our daughters have been in the same class since kindergarten and she has mentioned that they are not very observant, but has never elaborated. I am fairly confident that Allie just doesn't like pizza with pepperoni and bacon, but I am not 100% sure. Do you think I should ask the mother about their eating habits with regards to their faith or do you think it is up to her to mention it beforehand knowing that her child will be eating in our home.

P.S. I hope this doesn't break any disboard rules about discussing religion, as this is not meant to be a religious discussion, just a play date etiquette question.

 

[LuvLDM]

You didn't do anything wrong, Allie probably just doesn't like pepperoni & bacon...no biggie IMO.
I would not say anything to the mom.

 

[lovetoscrap]

If I am going to be serving any food I ask the parents if there are any food allergies, issues or restrictions. Too many of DD's friends have allergies and she is lactose intolerant. This includes asking the father of her good friend down the street who is the local rabbi (and apparently they don't restrict pork).

 

[Miss Peach]

I think the rule of thumb is that if you (or in this case, your child) has food concerns, you mention it before the 'date'.

If it isn't mentioned than it isn't important.

It would have been good hostessing on your part to enquire about food preferences before preparing lunch--but no harm done.

And, no, I wouldn't ask the mom if the food issues were a religious thing.

Cathy

 

[clh2]

My DD would have picked everything except the cheese until she was about 14 YO. I wouldn't worry about this at all. Except, maybe next time, let the guest pick lunch!

 

[rigs32]

To assume that all Jews keep kosher is like assuming that all Christians go to church every Sunday.

Based on your signature, I'm guessing the girls are 8. That's old enough for her to know what she can and cant eat. Besides, if they kept Kosher, the fact that the pork products touched the cheese would make it inedible for her even if she took them off.

 

[Hannathy]

I always ask before I put toppings on pizza for anyone. I always assume cheese and go from there. and as the kids get older a lot experiment with being vegetarian so it is always safest to say we are having pizza who wants and then list what you are having.


My DS would have picked those toppings off also.

 

[plutotek]

Whenever we have guests, we usually try to make a point of telling them what we'll be having (I usually cook a main course and DW will do a side, then have guests/family bring this or that). It serves 2 purposes; if any adjustments need to be made, we can, and we get a head count on how many to cook for (large family w/working teens).

Did you do anything wrong? Nothing to be concerned about, because the same has happened to just about everyone

 

[ChrizJen]

I would probably just mention it to the mom. I think it would be perfectly acceptable to tell her just the same way you've just told us. Let her know that it was a mistake, and that you felt bad about it afterwards.

I mean I look at it this way, you'll need to know for future reference anyway, so mentioning it now may eliminate later situations.

ETA: And I don't necessarily assume that the mom would have told you beforehand. If it were a life and death thing like an allergy, then yes. But not for a religious food preference.

 

[luvmy3]

I didn't realize Jewish people couldn't eat any pork.
My ds's friend isn't supposed to eat pork. He came over and we ordered pizza I asked him what he liked and he told me pepperoni so thats what I ordered for the boys. When it was delivered he told me he couldn't eat it because he is Muslim now. I asked why he told me thats what he likes and he said because thats what he eats when he's at his mom's. I have known this boy for years, I have seen him eat a ham sandwhich, I was so confused, luckily I ordered a veggie one too so he ate some of that.

 

[Miss Peach]

ETA: And I don't necessarily assume that the mom would have told you beforehand. If it were a life and death thing like an allergy, then yes. But not for a religious food preference.

I respectfully disagree with this. To some people their religious laws regarding food and the handling of food is of paramount importance to them.

But, if that is the case, the onus is upon the person to tell you of the situation.

Cathy

 

[castmemberb4]

I would probably just mention it to the mom. I think it would be perfectly acceptable to tell her just the same way you've just told us. Let her know that it was a mistake, and that you felt bad about it afterwards.

I mean I look at it this way, you'll need to know for future reference anyway, so mentioning it now may eliminate later situations.

ETA: And I don't necessarily assume that the mom would have told you beforehand. If it were a life and death thing like an allergy, then yes. But not for a religious food preference.

This is exactly what I was going to say.
Also you can find out what she does like on pizza and make it
half and half since you are making it yourself.

 

[anniemae]

I wouldn't worry about it. If anything I may mention it in passing to Allys mom, but just casually.

When dd has friends over, I always run the menu by the mom just in case of allergies.

One time I was going to make turkey sandwiches and the mom told be they were vegetarians. So I made grilled cheese instead.

 

[tiggersbombed2]

Not all Jewish people avoid pork products. My daughter has a friend that eats bacon and such, no problem. Her mom doesn't, but the daughter does.

 

[mjkacmom]

Having 5, I know to ask the kids what they like. Dd14 loves hamburgers (hates cheeseburgers), the boys love cheeseburgers, the younger girls hate hamburgers. Dd14 won't touch mac and cheese, dd8 only likes homemade, ds12, dd9, and ds8 love stouffers, but ds8 won't eat kraft.

When DH orders pizza, he has to ask the kids what they like, and what they don't (some LOVE pepperoni, some won't eat the pizza even if you take it off). Dd8 can't have gluten (her mac and cheese and pizza are gluten free). Not only do I let the parents know what she can't have, I give suggestions, and offer to bring something over, plus she will tell them as well. If I forget (and have), she'll be sure to let them know.

I'm sure if she couldn't eat pork for religious reasons, they would both let you know.

 

[Pigeon]

I might mention it to the mom the next time around, but I wouldn't worry much about it.

Observance is a spectrum. Some are strictly kosher. I know many Jewish people who won't actually eat pork, but don't keep kosher. But I know many also who do eat pork products in certain situations, but wouldn't cook them at home. And I know other Jewish folks who couldn't care one way or the other. My BIL is Jewish, and loves bacon.

The only way you are going to know what their dietary habits are is to talk to the mom.

 

[CathrynRose]

I didn't realize Jewish people couldn't eat any pork.
.

They can. Some choose not to.

One of my very best friends is Jewish (the one in the pic down below) She eats bacon, pork chops, etc. all the time. She makes Bacon Truffles. They're delicious!

 

[NotUrsula]

Yes, Jews and Muslims are directed by their faiths' dietary laws not to consume pork products.

As with all religions, there are degrees to which ordinary people choose to follow every rule. However, I personally feel that if you know that a person belongs to a religion that ordinarily mandates dietary restrictions, then it is the polite thing to do to assume that they honor them until they themselves tell you otherwise, and serve them accordingly (without making any kind of announcement about it, of course.)

However, in terms about feeling bad about inadvertently serving pork to a Jewish child, I don't think that you should feel too bad. For the most part, IME, a Jewish child whose parents will knowingly permit him to eat in the home of a Gentile is not likely to be from a family which is strict enough about Kashrut to feel really upset about it. Pork isn't the half of it, and families who are very observant normally simply won't eat outside of their homes except at establishments which post a rabbinical approval letter. (Among other things, strict observance means never allowing meat products and milk products to touch the same surfaces in your kitchen. No Orthodox Jew would ever willingly eat a pizza with both meat and cheese on it, even if the meat wasn't pork.) You cannot undo serving the child pork, so I would let that incident go, and just be sure to ask her parents if they have any dietary preferences before feeding her again.

As to the child's own actions, it is entirely possible that cheese pizza is just her preference, or it may have been that she was trying to be polite. Either way, no one is upset with you, so I think you should let that occasion go.

 

[bumbershoot]

Besides, if they kept Kosher, the fact that the pork products touched the cheese would make it inedible for her even if she took them off.

If she were keeping Kosher, she couldn't have had any meat on her cheese pizza, of course...since you don't combine meat and milk in a meal.

For the most part, IME, a Jewish child whose parents will knowingly permit him to eat in the home of a Gentile is not likely to be from a family which is strict enough about Kashrut to feel really upset about it.

I completely agree.



I would definitely ask the mom about it, so that you know going forward, just in case they do have some feelings about it. But it doesn't really sound like they have restrictions in their family, so don't *worry*...just talk to the mom about it for the future.

I figure, unless she is dreadfully shy, if she had restrictions she would have told you. We're vegetarian and DS has to avoid some other types of ingredients, and he's been able to tell everyone who asks what he does and doesn't eat since he was 3. It's important to him, so he talks about it.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I would ask the mom if there was anything the dd couldn't/shouldn't have in the future. I wouldn't make a big deal about it.