Parents of Teens: What to do?

[TimeforMe]

DH and I are taking DS and his friend to see Blue Man Group this Sunday. DD15 opted to stay home (she saw them this past Christmas season). We will be gone all evening as the theatre is about an hour drive from here and the show doesn't begin until 8:00. Here's the dilemma (if it can be called that), I know she has mentioned to a male friend of hers, who she insists is strictly a friend--no boyfriend/girlfriend thing going on (and I truly believe her) that we will not be home and invited him over. She hasn't mentioned it to me yet, but I really think she will ask permission. I am assuming she will ask other friends over as well. They really are a great bunch of kids and I have no (well, almost no) problem with them coming over, but I do feel a little uncomfortable with them having no adult supervision--just in case, you know? On the other hand, I can see how she would like to be able to just hang out here with her friends, watch tv, listen to music, etc. We don't have a family room in our house so when her friends are over they have to hang out in her room (except the boy) or in the kitchen while we're watching tv. So.....opinions please. What would you do?

 

[Tiggeroo]

I don't know. I used to not let friends over when I wasn't home. Now I let the ones who are in and out of my house and I trust, just a few of them. If other kids are over even if your dd liked the kid nothing would happen. But then again you might be setting a precedent that you don't want to. I hate these teen decisions. My kids only hear the no's they have no idea how I agonize over every yes and no.

 

[Evil Princess]

Not allow it. Same scenario with my friends at 15, parents away at a friends house, we all went over there to relax, watch tv, no adult supervision...and to get drunk.

Keep in mind that 3 of those people graduated in the top 10 of my high school class last month out of 450 kids, we were all in honors courses and were otherwise good kids.

Not that your daughter will do that, but I never gave my parents any reason not to trust me before that occasion.

 

[4greatboys]

Thats a tough call. Even if you trust your dd, good kids still do things they should not.
Tiggeroo--I feel tha same about agonizing over everything. Its very hard to set limits and still aloow your kid to be a kid. Such a fine line. Of course mine think Im to strict. They do get to go a lot with friends but I always call the friends house to see whats going on. Since kids have been know to pull the ole switcharoo and end up somewhere else.

 

[Lucky4me]

I'm sure there will be those who disagree with me, but I'd wait until she asks. If Sunday afternoon comes around and she hasn't, I'd mention I didn't want her to have friends over while I was out. Even if it is a platonic friendship, being alone with a boy while your parents are out may change that pretty quick! No matter what, they are still teenagers. Better safe than sorry.
Being a parent is such a tough job!!!

 

[Serena]

Maybe I've seen too many movies or maybe just experience with my daughter. But I would make sure no one has visitors while you are out. Too many times things happen that even the kids don't plan. For example other kids finding out and coming over.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I am the parent of a 17 yo DD and 14 yo DS. If one was home alone, they might be allowed to have one trusted friend of the same sex over. No matter how the friendship is described, I would not set the precedent of opposite sex friend over with no adult home. And I would be sure that the other parents know there is no adult home. If my kids are going to a friend's home, I always ask if an adult is there.

I may be overprotective, but it has worked so far.

 

[jsmith]

Well, my take is a little different-but If you are not willing to take the risk that there will be a party at your house, or you do not trust her to do the right thing do not allow her to stay alone. If you have made the decision to allow it and did not set any rules to start with then you are going to have to live with that. If she feels like you trust her likely it will come up.

 

[Wish Upon A Star]

We have a rule that when nobody is home DD is not allowed to have any guy friends over. She'll be 14 in September and has a couple of friends that are male, but there is no way DH or I would feel comfortable leaving them unsupervised.

Not that we don't trust DD, but without any adults being around you can never tell what might happen.

 

[poohandwendy]

If you are aware that she will have kids over and you will be gone, you have a responsibility to make sure the other parents are told. You may also have a legal responsibility for what occurs while you are gone. If there is drinking, you can be held responsible because you were aware of the fact that there would be unsupervised children in your home. Just a few things to think about.

I, personally, would not agree to it. If I did, I would make sure another parent dropped in to make sure things were ok and that they had an adult close by if needed. JMHO.

I guess I should add I knew a family, growing up, who lost everything due to a DUI car accident occuring after a party held at their home (in their absence). The parents knew about the 'small party' (which turned into a bash) but didn't know there would be drinking. The parents of the girl who died and the parents of the other kids in the car were not aware that there would be no adults at home. The accident and resulting lawsuits devastated all parties involved. Not worth the risk.

 

[Mimi Q]

I would not allow her to have a friend of the opposite sex over. I just think you would be setting a bad precedent.

 

[Jillpie]

I have a 15 year old son who I trust. My rule has always been, if your friends parents aren't home, you're not going over...period. Day or night, a parent has to be home. Same goes if we are out...no friends over. He understands the rule and doesn't question it. It works. Too much temptation at this age to try things and it would be at your expense if something happens. Its not worth it. Its just one night, she can wait till your home.

 

[NHAnn]

Originally posted by Serena
Maybe I've seen too many movies or maybe just experience with my daughter. But I would make sure no one has visitors while you are out. Too many times things happen that even the kids don't plan. For example other kids finding out and coming over.

We're on the same page here Laurie. In these kinds of situations, when DD was 13/14/15...I would make prior arrangements for her to be spending the evening with a friend or friends whose parents ARE home.
DD's 16 now, and we're trying to loosen up a little, but still no mixed groups of kids, unsupervised, at our house or her friends'......for all the reasons mentioned by above posters.

 

[crazyme5kids]

Why not explain the situation to some of the parents and see if they would stop over during the evening to check on the kids. This way your daughter will feel like her and her friends have some independence and freedom,yet the situation would be monitored.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>I wasn't allowed to have male friends over if my parents were home, and never in my room, period. I intend on having the same rules for my own teens (15 & 14). They have had their friends stay over when I had to work and wasn't home, but only one each.

I wouldn't allow it, and I would let her know ahead of time so she nor her friends have false expectations that they're going to be spending the time in an unsupervised home.

 

[oldkicker]

I don't think I'd allow it either.

I trust and love my kids too, but one of the things we're always telling them is that they have to be careful about what situations they put themselves in. While I'm sure there is no bad intent here, it is a situation that I'd prefer not to put my kids in.....jmho....

 

[TimeforMe]

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I, too, don't allow her over someone's home when no adults are present. I wouldn't have even considered the male friend at all, except that we know and like him and it is just a friendship. I have, however, decided not to allow it. She did mention that she will probably sleep over her friend's house whose family is very close to ours, so I let it go at that. And I do agree that sometimes temptation is stronger than common sense and it's just not worth it.

Thanks again! I'll let you know how it goes.

 

[Kirby]

She did mention that she will probably sleep over her friend's house whose family is very close to ours, so I let it go at that.

I was going to suggest just that while I was reading through the posts.

I agree with the others. If it were my daughter, I would feel better if she were spending the night with a friend than staying at home and running the risk of a few friends popping in and no adult supervision.

 

[disneychrista]

Instead of having her be home by herself, why not see if she could stay at one of her friends houses? That way she isn't alone and there will be an adult "just in case."

 

[MaryAnn B]

I trust my kids and their friends are good kids, but I always had a rule that if I wasn't home nobody could come over. I think I would feel really responsible if something happened while I was out. My son now is 22 and my dd is 13. If he is going to be home, I will let her have a friend over, if he isn't she can't.