Parents, Help! need advice again........same situation but new development

[npmommie]

ok so i posted about the DSi incident here
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2674818

so this evening when we went to the gym, I was not going to say a word about anything, I figured it was done and over with, move on.

well.......my "friend" confronted me as soon as we got there, she said I "devastated" her child, he was so upset because I asked him
that night " what did you do?" in regards to the DSi.

she was mad.......I told her I did ask what happened, because I wanted to know how it got to the point it did to delete. My kid was in tears, very upset. I wanted to know how it happened. Her son was the one who initiated them wanting to exchange these drawings on the DSi's. he wanted my ds to send one to him and he was going to send one to my ds.
My ds has no clue about sending things back and forth between DSi's he has never done it.

I didn't accuse anyone of anything.
I did say how i spoke to my kid about not putting in pin codes etc etc.........

then she says her kid doesn't know anything about parental controls because they "don't have them because we trust him"
I said its not about trust, my kid is 7.

so then she goes on to say something like , " well my kid comes here and just wants to play with his DSi he doesn't even want to play with anyone"

which really made me go cuz her kid is coming up to mine all the time, they go to each other as soon as they see each other and start playing.

so that comment really made me upset, so I said don't worry my kid won't go near yours again, he won't play with him, no problem.

when I got home I got to thinking about what I said that evening to her ds..........I did ask about what was done, because it did appear that he was walking my ds thru the steps to do what ever they were trying to do.........so I wanted to see what they did in case I could undo it.

this child's father was sitting right next to him when I spoke to the kid and didn't say a word.

this boy is 9 yo btw and mine is 7 yo.

so now here is the kicker.
after we got home this evening my angel ds decides to change his story and said he actually hit the button to delete things, he originally said the friend hit the button.
he still claims the friend guided him thru each step and told him to hit buttons. which i do believe because that evening I could see the friend pointing with his DSi pen to my kid's DSi, and it looked like he was hitting the screen, or getting close. I saw that go on for about 5 min before I went over to see what they were doing and discovered what was happening.

I reminded ds that he put that pass code in and he knew he should not have done that and if he had not done that none of this would have happened.

So bottom line, they wanted to do something, couldn't figure it out, my kid lost all his stuff on his DSi, and fibbed to me.

help me parents what should I do now?
punish my kid for telling his "version" of the story? what should I say to the other mom? if anything.
my dh thinks I should just let it go.

I am upset though over the way she insinuated her ds is "too good" to play with mine, as if mine is bugging hers. and that certainly is not the case.
her ds comes over to mine all the time as soon as they get there, says hi and off they go.
sometimes its mine going up to hers right away, but the point is they seek each other out.
so that really bothered me.

oh and this is my first experience with my kid not telling the truth about a situation. we have not had an incident like this before.
help.

 

[kellyg403]

Honestly, this is a really hard one for me. So....I will tell you what I would do if it were my child and my friend.

Your ds is 7 and understands what fibbing is I assume. Usually fibbing is done when a child thinks they will get in trouble and its a lot easier to NOT be in trouble if you know what I mean. That being said, I would definitely be punishing my ds because now, you have drama over a situation that he fibbed about. What that punishment is would be up to you, but I can assure there would be no DSi for a while at my house. And I would definitely be discussing what happens when we lie and trust.

As for the other parent? Way I see it you have 2 choices. 1 - put your big girl panties on and apologize and explain what happened, including ds lying. 2 She doesn't want your kid to play with her kid. Leave it at that and move forward. If it were me, I would eat crow and tell her the truth. Only because I would hope that if someone found out something that affected me in a situation - i.e. my child or I wrongly accused of something - I would hope that we could meet in the middle. She is mad too, so this might be something to still the waters as it were. Plus, showing your ds how you handle this with the other parent is very important. He should see that while fibbing is bad, accusing others of doing things they didn't do is bad, apologizing and owning up to it are good and makes you a better person. I don't know if I wouldn't even go as far as making my ds apologize for not telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Either way, my ds would definitely understand the consequences of fibbing and the hopefully the emotional consequences of what fibbing can cause.

Kelly

 

[NHdisneylover]

I would let it go with the other kid. Give it a few weeks and things will settle down. It is very possible that you sounded pretty upset when you asked what he did and to him that came across as you blaming him for destroying your son's DSi. So he may well have been upset, but not likely devastated (though I do have one kid who, if she thought she had inadvertently destroyed something that expensive, or felt she was being blamed for so doing, at the age of 9 would have been really upset and cried for days--she is very sensitive/anxious and it is hard to deal with). I would be willing to bet that both of the boys seek the other out at times, and both have times when they are minding their own business and the other comes up. I bet both of you moms are just noticing more when the other boy comes up. It is not a big deal and unless a lot more suddenly happens I would just back off and the boys will figure out if/when they want to play together again pretty soon without the interferences of the mothers.

If you do anything at all about the other boy, I would leave it at simply going up to him yourself the next time you are there and letting him know that you were pretty upset with your son for messing with the controls and you hope that didn't sound like you were upset with him, but you are really sorry if it did. I think just letting it go would be better though.

As to what to do about your son--that is tricky. Personally, I would want him to know that the other boy felt like HE was in trouble because you believed your son that that boy made the changes and I would emphasize how his lie hurt his friend. I would praise him for deciding to be honest now and not continue the deception and I would still want some sort of consequence. Try to make it as logical as possible--maybe no DSi while waiting at gymnastics until Easter--you can tell him you do not want to put the other little boy in a position of feeling like your son may lie about it again, so it just can't be there at all.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I also wanted to add that if I were you and IF your son tried to play with the other boy after this and the other boy will not play, or tells him he cannot play and this upsets your son, I would not offer sympathy--I would just shrug and tell my son that is what he gets for lying about the kid and it is not a surprising reaction.

 

[npmommie]

Honestly, this is a really hard one for me. So....I will tell you what I would do if it were my child and my friend.

Your ds is 7 and understands what fibbing is I assume. Usually fibbing is done when a child thinks they will get in trouble and its a lot easier to NOT be in trouble if you know what I mean. That being said, I would definitely be punishing my ds because now, you have drama over a situation that he fibbed about. What that punishment is would be up to you, but I can assure there would be no DSi for a while at my house. And I would definitely be discussing what happens when we lie and trust.

As for the other parent? Way I see it you have 2 choices. 1 - put your big girl panties on and apologize and explain what happened, including ds lying. 2 She doesn't want your kid to play with her kid. Leave it at that and move forward. If it were me, I would eat crow and tell her the truth. Only because I would hope that if someone found out something that affected me in a situation - i.e. my child or I wrongly accused of something - I would hope that we could meet in the middle. She is mad too, so this might be something to still the waters as it were. Plus, showing your ds how you handle this with the other parent is very important. He should see that while fibbing is bad, accusing others of doing things they didn't do is bad, apologizing and owning up to it are good and makes you a better person. I don't know if I wouldn't even go as far as making my ds apologize for not telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Either way, my ds would definitely understand the consequences of fibbing and the hopefully the emotional consequences of what fibbing can cause.

Kelly

I was debating having him apologize to the mom for the lying.
I do think I need to own up and let her know the new developments here.

I would let it go with the other kid. Give it a few weeks and things will settle down. It is very possible that you sounded pretty upset when you asked what he did and to him that came across as you blaming him for destroying your son's DSi. So he may well have been upset, but not likely devastated (though I do have one kid who, if she thought she had inadvertently destroyed something that expensive, or felt she was being blamed for so doing, at the age of 9 would have been really upset and cried for days--she is very sensitive/anxious and it is hard to deal with). I would be willing to bet that both of the boys seek the other out at times, and both have times when they are minding their own business and the other comes up. I bet both of you moms are just noticing more when the other boy comes up. It is not a big deal and unless a lot more suddenly happens I would just back off and the boys will figure out if/when they want to play together again pretty soon without the interferences of the mothers.

If you do anything at all about the other boy, I would leave it at simply going up to him yourself the next time you are there and letting him know that you were pretty upset with your son for messing with the controls and you hope that didn't sound like you were upset with him, but you are really sorry if it did. I think just letting it go would be better though.

As to what to do about your son--that is tricky. Personally, I would want him to know that the other boy felt like HE was in trouble because you believed your son that that boy made the changes and I would emphasize how his lie hurt his friend. I would praise him for deciding to be honest now and not continue the deception and I would still want some sort of consequence. Try to make it as logical as possible--maybe no DSi while waiting at gymnastics until Easter--you can tell him you do not want to put the other little boy in a position of feeling like your son may lie about it again, so it just can't be there at all.

I probably did sound upset when I was talking to him, and I was not intending to sound accusatory, I just wanted to see what happened.
I did tell my ds no DSi at the gym for now. I didn't put a time limit on it.


I tell you I do not have half the drama with my dd! In fact I can't recall any drama with her.
I thought all the drama was supposed to be with girls? LOL

 

[shortbun]

I think I'd leave it alone except with my son. I think his lie was pretty much a cover so you wouldn't get mad at him. Not condoning it but remember, he is 7 and seeing things getting out of hand pretty fast so he did damage control. I'd bet he's learned his lesson. This consequence still needs to relate to gaming since this is where he sinned. I'd take his DS for a long time but remember that without it, his entertainment or being occupied while he waits places then falls on you-finding reading material, etc. Parenting is hard. Your son is young and easily swayed by older boys who know a little more than he does. The other mother knows little about her son and his play style. Dad was sitting right there and let you handle it? I think you don't owe this family your humiliation.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Drop it. There is no value in dragging this out with this woman, trust me and frankly just because your ds changes his story still does not even mean that it is how things actually went down.

Your ds is 7. Just let it go and move on.

 

[Becky2005]

Does your son know that he isn't allowed to play with the other boy now?

I'm wondering which was the lie? Is he now changing his story because he thinks if he says HE was the one to do it he will still get to play with the boy?

Not that either way is good but I could see this getting even more out of hand without knowing which version of the story is true now.

 

[Jennasis]

Let it go.

 

[npmommie]

Does your son know that he isn't allowed to play with the other boy now?

I'm wondering which was the lie? Is he now changing his story because he thinks if he says HE was the one to do it he will still get to play with the boy?

Not that either way is good but I could see this getting even more out of hand without knowing which version of the story is true now.

Yes, he heard our conversation. He was right there.

the way she said it was like her son didn't even want to play with mine and if mine hadn't insisted on playing with her son none of this would have happened. that's how it sounded.

So that was when I said they would not play together again. And I talked about it with my ds.

You guys are right, I think I will drop it completely.

You all make some points I didn't think of.
thanks!

 

[princessmom29]

I owudl also say let it go. Iti s not worth the time and energy atthis point. I she wantas to be a bitty, then let her.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'd drop it with the other boy and mom. I bet you did sound, to him, upset and possibly accusatory and it very well could have really upset him. It would definitely have upset one of my sons (he'd seriously probably try to avoid going back to the gym), but probably not so much the other.

If it were my 7 year old, I'd not let him take his dsi to the gym anymore (at least for a while) and if he seems lonely or bored, I would gently and nicely tell him that when he lied to me, it started things rolling and now he cannot play with the other boy.

If the other mom forgives and forgets and the boy approaches him, I'd let them play together and tell my son later that he really lucked out and next time he decided to lie, he probably would be as lucky.

 

[npmommie]

I wanted to add.
I am really inclined to approach the boy to let him know I did not mean to upset him, I feel bad thinking I may have upset him and didn't mean to.


but by doing that I am afraid of opening the door with her again.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I wanted to add.
I am really inclined to approach the boy to let him know I did not mean to upset him, I feel bad thinking I may have upset him and didn't mean to.


but by doing that I am afraid of opening the door with her again.

I really wouldn't. But if the mom ever extends an olive branch (smile, how are you, let's her son play with your son, etc), then I'd apologize to the boy and mom and explain why you were upset. I wouldn't necessarily tell them your son lied to you, though, as that's none of their business.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wanted to add.
I am really inclined to approach the boy to let him know I did not mean to upset him, I feel bad thinking I may have upset him and didn't mean to.


but by doing that I am afraid of opening the door with her again.

Picking at a wound makes it bleed. Drop it.

 

[Pigeon]

At this point, let it go. There's nothing to be gained by going into Spanish Inquisition mode. The damage is done and it's time to move on. It's too bad the other mother is having a snit, but oh well.

But you know what, all kids lie. They do. You may not want to believe it about your kid, but they all lie. It just happens. You encourage them to tell the truth, but don't be surprised if they don't.

 

[Wishing on a star]

well.......my "friend" confronted me as soon as we got there, she said I "devastated" her child, he was so upset because I asked him
that night " what did you do?" in regards to the DSi.

she was mad.......

I am almost always against one parent confronting another parent...
It never works out well.
And I think that this is why so many on your original thread said 'let it go'....
And, to continue to let it go.

However, I just want to say I have definitely BEEN-THERE-DONE-THAT one of very very few, if not the only time, that there was a situation between my son and another kid. Kid ran to mama... She ended up confronting me.

THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED!!!! The parent turned into a problem with 'me'... because their poor little snowflake was just devastated and intimidated... I saw this kid jump my son from behind... and he was actually on top of my son... and I went over there, and said.... very simply but sternly... 'Get Off Him...' and then said how 'We need to keep our hands to ourselves, etc...' Ohhh, the bully, AKA snowflake, apparently ran to mama because he was just so devastated and intimidated.. Ummmm, yeah, right.... IMHO, THIS IS JUST CLASSIC.... kid was 9, just like this one... smart kid... ingenious play... ending with hiding behind mama's skirts! Hahahahaha!!!

Wasn't funny at the time to know that this kid was probably just relishing knowing that he had such control and he could make sure that I had to endure the wrath of his mama.

Yes, your son was in the wrong... But, very clearly, there are two sides to every story... And the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.... you SAW the other kid, right there, doing these things with your son.... It seems clear to you that this other kid was really 'driving' this situation.... (hey, lets do this with our DS's) These other parents can deny, deny, deny... and your son can even feel bad about what happened and take on the full blame, so that you won't be mad at the other kid so he loses this friendship.

Now, I abhor, abhor, abhor, any type of parent bashing...
But, if there is anything that is clear here, this mom is raising a 'snowflake' who can do no wrong.

At this point, my advice is to NOT make a further deal about this with your son... he is only seven... he is learning his lesson... I would def. consider taking the DS for a while, and making sure to limit his access...

If this other kid is basicly a good/okay kid... and your son really values that friendship, I would really observe and take that on a day-by-day basis.
I would not have anything other than 'nice weather' to the parents.

If this mother is telling her child to avoid your son...
That is her perogative...
Good Riddance....

Tough for your son... YES..
But, another learning opporltunity....

 

[dislaney]

I would punish my son for lying and I would make sure he knew that is what he is being punished for.

As for the Mom, I'm not sure but I would be inclined to apologize to her but if you think it will cause more drama, then drop it.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, your kid may or may not be lying about who pushed what buttons or whatever.

The fact is that regardless of who pushed what buttons, your kid got into the system by bypassing the parental controls, so the ultimate responsibility lies with him. Had he not done that, no one would have been able to push any buttons and lose all his "stuff".

I can tell you what my mother would have done in a situation like this:

1. There would be no DSi brought to gym and there'd probably be no DSi used for a period of time.

2. She would tell me that I was to stay away from the other kid because the 2 of us together get into trouble and that's no good.

As far as apologizing or dragging the story out any further with the other parent, let it lie. Truthfully, the other mother sounds a bit over the top if that is her reaction to an incident between a couple of kids. Some distance from those folks is probably a good thing.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Truthfully I think the whole incident was your child's fault. It is his DSi. Nobody can make you do something. He knew that he wasn't supposed to be circumventing the parental controls and he did it anyway. It doesn't matter if the other kid pushed the button or told him how to do it. It was his choice to go along with it. You shouldn't have yelled at the other kid. I would just let it go and keep the kids away from each other. I would tell my kid that they can't be trusted to play because clearly the child forgets my rules when then are together.