Parent Rant: I Think People Are NUTS!

[Christine]

Okay, long-winded and confusing, but I'm just astounded at parents.

I have a 15 year old DD and sometimes I feel that I am the strictest parent out there.

My DD has a friend. They have been good friends for about a year. He is her age, her grade, and he is gay. I think my DD would love to have him as a boyfriend but it ain't happening. He is a great friend to her and I really like him a lot.

A few months ago, he invited my DD to go on vacation with him and his family right after Christmas. For many reasons, I said no. At first, we didn't know him that well. I also feel that his parents give him more "free range" than I allow my DD so I wouldn't be comfortable sending her off for a week with a family that has way different rules than I do. I have also never met his parents and they don't seem too keen on doing so. Then there is the boy/girl issue. I've never let my DD attend a co-ed sleepover etc. But, the fact that he is gay does put a different twist on it. But I digress.

Point is, she wasn't allowed to go on the trip. In the meantime, DD has also started a new high school back in September. She hasn't had the best time "socially" at this school and has really only made one friend there. This friend has been to our house twice. During that time, my DD introduced her to her male friend. Of course, the new friend just LOVES him and now constantly asks to come over so they can hang out with him. This has started to annoy my DD.

This past Friday, the guy friend throws a HUGE party at the local community center. He invites my DD, naturally, and also invites her new friend that he has met one time. DD really doesn't want her new friend to attend just because she doesn't know anyone and my DD has lots of *old* friends at this party that she wants to catch up with. She doesn't want to leave the new friend "stranded." But there is nothing she can do and the new friend attends the party.

It actually all went well even though the new friend was out of sorts most the evening. But, the kicker is, my DD's male friend invites DD's new friend on the vacation (he's met her all of two times now). He absolutely cannot find anyone to go on this vacation and wants to take someone his age.

Well, the real shock is that this girl's parents ARE LETTING HER GO with this guy, who they don't know at all, never met, does not go to the same school as their DD, never met their parents, doesn't care to meet their parents. And this is all OKAY?? I'm just amazed.

I'm starting to think maybe I'm the crazy one.

 

[ziggystardust]

I'm sure your daughter is mad/upset, but to be honest I probably would have done the same thing you did. When I was younger I never went on family vacations with anyone other than my family. And we never brought anyone that wasn't family either.

 

[Kay7979]

I can't fathom letting a child go on vacation with anyone but relatives. Maybe long time family friends. Maybe.

 

[DVCLiz]

It sounds to me like you are describing two different ends of the spectrum. As you said, you are very strict, and it sounds like the other parents are very permissive. Personally, I fall somewhere in the middle. I've kept my daughter from doing some things other parents allow, but I've also been lenient sometimes when other parents said no to certain things.

This other set of parents seems to me to have some sort of assumed comfort zone with this trip, since you say they haven't met the parents, etc. Since he's gay, the boy/girl thing might not be an issue. I know my daughter has a gay friend and he's been included in occasional "spend the night at DD's house so we don't have to drive home late" parties.

This trip is not something I would allow, probably, because I'm kind of a crank about meeting parents, etc. until high school ends, but I know other parents feel differently. Now that I have a daughter in college, it amuses me how tightly I kept the reins on her in high school compared to what I know she's free to do now!!!

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

You are not crazy. My DS had a friend once whose parents would send over to our house. We had never met the parents, but he came over one day and didn't leave. When dinner time came, he said his parents said he should sleep over. Well, we had plans early the next morning, so we told him he should go home (he lived right down the road). He left, but the next day a car pulled up outside and it was his sister, who was 15 (and not supposed to be driving alone), looking for him. She said he had never come home the night before so they figured he must have spent the night somewhere, and was he here? He was apparently supposed to have come home, but didn't. Well, I got frantic and started to comb the neighborhood for him, finally finding him at another neighbor's house. When I brought him home, it occurred to me that I was the ONLY one who was frantic. I was shocked at his parents. Absolutely shocked.

The real kicker to this story.... my DS and his friend were 8 years old at the time. EIGHT. Would you let your 8yo leave the house and not worry about where he was until the next day?

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

I can't fathom letting a child go on vacation with anyone but relatives. Maybe long time family friends. Maybe.

Really? I guess I can see if that's the decision you've made for your own family, but it's not an insane concept. It's fun to have friends along. We've let the kids friends tag along with us many times, and out kids have gone on other kid's vacations.

For us, it's all good, just great experiences.

I wouldn't have let them go with people I didn't know or if there was a conflict with the dates, otherwise, why not?

In the OPs case, I take her word for it that she had a good reason, I just say, "never say never"!

 

[RitaZ.]

Well, the real shock is that this girl's parents ARE LETTING HER GO with this guy, who they don't know at all, never met, does not go to the same school as their DD, never met their parents, doesn't care to meet their parents. And this is all OKAY?? I'm just amazed.

You're not crazy. The girl's parents are the crazy ones. There is no way that we would allow that. DH's response to such a request would be wild, uncontrollable laughter. One thing is to allow your child to go on vacation with a really close friend, whose parents you know very well and fully trust with your child's well-being. What her parents are doing is irresponsible, IMO.

To me, allowing this girl to go on vacation, with people that the parents don't know, is the same thing as allowing her to go with any stranger off the street. That's what that family is to them, strangers. I don't get it.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

How funny... I'm currently dealing with a similar issue.

We used to live in Destin, Florida. We're going back there in June, on our way to Disney. DD16 wants to stay the two nights with one of her best friends, from her old school.

My only problem is, he's a... he. I know they're only friends, and I've met his mother a few times.

I'm just having a really hard time letting my daughter spend the night at a guy's house, even if they're in separate bedrooms (which they would be). She's peeved at me, because she feels it's a trust issue and I have no reason to not have any.

DD16 has always had more platonic male friends, than girlfriends and I was the same way at her age. I have no reason not to trust her and honestly, if this were a girl, I'd be letting her stay with her.

I just can't wrap my mind around it! It just doesn't feel right, telling my daughter that it's okay to spend the night at a guy's house.

 

[antmaril]

I agree with you - "People are Nuts"!

You are right. Who in their right minds would let their daughter travel with people they don't know. It's outrageous.

 

[DisneyGirl4188]

I would have no problem allowing my child to go on vacation with another family if I had met them. I had friends go on vacation with me and I went with them.

My mom used to let me stay at male friend's houses, but she trusted me. The same friends would stay at my house.


Now, if my child had just met someone and then was invited on vacation, I don't think I would allow it.

 

[HSMndLKfan92]

I think its just a bit odd to go on a vacation with someone you've just met.

 

[sha_lyn]

had I not known the following story I wouldsay "NUTS"
I am good friends with 2 families. I'll call them FA and FB (family a and family b)About 7-8 yrs ago (long before I knew either family)
FA rented the house across the street from FB (FB owned the house). On the weekend FA moved in the children met. FAs DS was 7, FB DD was 9. FB was leaving for vacation in FL a day or 2 later. FB's DD asked if FA DS could go. He went and the 2 have been best friends every since.

 

[Christine]

Thanks for all of your input.

Let me say, for the record, that I generally don't have a problem with my DD vacationing with other people. She's done it a three different times. Each of those occasions, I have had a decent relationship with the parents involved (i.e., I've talked to them on the phone several times, sat with them at school functions, chatted with them for various periods of time while dropping off/picking up kids). In other words, I got to a comfort level with the parents that I felt pretty good about letting my DD vacation with them.

I don't get that comfort level with EVERY parent I meet and, if I don't have it, then she does not go on vacation.

The parents of this boy *sound* like nice people but I've never laid eyes on them. The mom owns her own business and works a lot and, being that they are teenagers, there's just not the same opportunities to have to meet parents as when the kids were younger. So, no matter how much she knows this guy, I don't know his parents. That's not to say that I can't get to know them and address this in the future. But not this year.

Some of the other reasons that I didn't let her go was that they were going right after Christmas (today) and we had family visiting us. Also, during this week, it is her grandmother's 70th birthday and the family is having a party for her. Just too much going on here for me to have her go, especially when I'm not totally comfy with the situation.

I'm am just FLOORED that this other mom (who I have met twice) is letting her DD go with these strangers. It really makes ME have to reevaluate this other mom's judgement in relationship to my own DD and what happens when/if I let my DD stay over there. I just feel like I can't really trust parents to have common sense.

 

[JCJRSmith]

She's peeved at me, because she feels it's a trust issue and I have no reason to not have any.

Ahh, the "You don't trust me" arugument.

To some extent, she is right: it IS a trust issue, more precisely a LEVEL OF TRUST issue. There are probably areas and occurances in your DD's life where she has your absolute trust, and others where she doesn't. There will come a time in her life where she will HAVE to be absolutely trusted, but this ain't one of them.

 

[Lanshark]

You don't have to justify your decision. Many situations are judgement calls. Your standards may be different from someone elses. That doesn't mean either of you are right or either of you are wrong. You just made different decisions.

Your decision not to let your DD go is just that; your decision. The other mother's decision should have no affect on you or your DD. The other mom could be looking at your decision as NUTS!

After saying all of that I can say that I would not have allowed my DD to go either.

 

[Va-bear]

Maybe your daughters girlfriends mom called the boys mother/father and talked with them? You might not know about that? I think at 15, if I felt good about my daughters self-control, maturity level, etc. AND I talked to the parents (yes, even once..... for a 15 year old.....as long as they seeemd normal) I'd have let her go. BUT, if the other parent hasn't done that - well, I DO think thats scarry. MAIN thing is, though, that you have to decide what works for you. Take care.

 

[Hillbeans]

Growing up, my mom made it pretty clear that sleepovers were frowned upon and not to even bother asking to do it. Occasionally (maybe once or twice a year) I got to stay over at my Best friend's house whom my parents knew for many years.

My mom never liked leaving me in the company of others overnight, and now that I have my own children (who are too young for a sleepover) I can see why she was like that. She was very overprotective.

I never vacationed with other families until I was 18 but I was allowed to go on day trips and things of that nature.

As a parent, you need to do what feels right to you. I would not feel comfortable with another family having my child on vacation for a week, even if they were 15 or so and I knew the family well. It would have to be something very special and I would have a lot of ground rules. I could never imagine letting my child vacation with a family I never met or knew very well - that would never ever happen!

 

[Va-bear]

I guess I'm basing my thinking, somewhat, on my own life also (as most of us do...) I took a trip w/ my friends family (we did know them well) at 13 yo and, to this day, it is one of my fondest memories. It is the only time I went on a trip w/ another family - but, wow, it was great! Including that, yes, their mom was a bit more relaxed than my mom....and yes, we did a few things that my mom might have cringed a little over (I'm talking pretty darn mild....but when you're 13 and a nerd...) My mom knew me well, and knew I would use very good judgement, which I did. But, she also knew that "growing up" happens slowly and giving children the chance to spread thier wings, w/supervision, a bit is good. That way, when I went off to college making good, sound decisions wasn't as tough.

So, besides having a good time, I will ALWAYS appreciated that my mom trusted me enough to go and will value that feeling her trust gave me.

 

[Christine]

Va-bear,

Maybe my post wasn't clear but I really don't have an issue with kids vacationing with other families AT ALL. I do understand, also, that some people are totally uncomfortable with it and don't allow it--I don't think that is wrong/right or anything.

My whole issue is with this girl who has only spent the equivalent of 6 hours in her lifetime with this boy. She has spent 6 hours with him--not even one-on-one, and she is going to go on a weeklong vacation with him and his family (the girl has never even met the family).

She asked her mom if she could go a full 3 days prior to the vacation. Her mom said YES and, yes, I believe she was going to call the boy's parents (this was after she said yes). The mother has never met this boy and doesn't even know what school he attends (my DD *thinks* that her mom *thinks* the boy goes to their school--he doesn't).

I guess I just don't understand sending your kids off with a family that you have NOT ONE CLUE about.

 

[poohandwendy]

I say Kudos to you for doing what you think is right, even if it is an unpopular decision with your DD.

As to the other parents, they also have to do what they think is best. Hopefully they are considering all angles. Not what I would do, but I guess we all have different ideas when it comes to stuff like this.