OT: Weaning help, please

[TinkerbEllnor]

DH and I are planning a child-free trip to Disney in September. We are leaving the kids with their grandparents.

My problem is that my DD is still breastfeeding at this time. She is 15 months old and will be 18 months at the time of our trip. I have been trying to wean her since just after her 1st birthday in January but she is proving to be very attached to it. We also have had numerous colds and ear infections this winter where she stops eating and breastmilk was her only nutrition at the time, which stalled any attempt at weaning.

When we are all healthy and eating normally, we have progressed to where she will go from wake-up through nap and bedtime without nursing, using a cup with cow’s milk. The middle of the night is another story altogether. She has never slept through the night. A *good* night is when she wakes up less than 3 times (my standards have dropped significantly). On a bad night, its every hour or more.

Things you should know. She has never taken a bottle, even of expressed breastmilk. Not that we didn’t try, but she just wouldn’t have any part of it. This has meant that I have not been away from her for more than 1 hr in her whole little life in the past 15 months. She has also never taken a pacifier, which I suspect is what she is using me for. I also am doing this basically on my own. We moved in November far away from any family, and DH travels for work frequently. When he is home, he doesn’t have much tolerance for dealing with this in the middle of the night. (Not his finest hour, but one time I asked him to try to deal with her, I heard him say to her quietly 'Please ****'.)

I’ve tried CIO, rocking to sleep without nursing, rocking with a cup of milk, everything I can think of. Everything results in inconsolable screaming, writhing, and ultimately, throwing up, until I give in and nurse. I am at my wits end. Not having a full nights sleep in a year and a half will do that to a person. We did not experience this with DS, I lost my supply at 5 months, and he took to a bottle and pacifier well.

My OB/GYN and my DDs pediatrician were both of no help. I am hesitant to seek a lactation consultant or la Leche, as it seems contrary for them to help you *stop* breastfeeding.

We need to get past this hurdle before we can move onto the next one- separation anxiety- that has resulted from her being at my side at all times. It sounds bad, but I feel like I am being held hostage by my toddler. We really need this trip away, even if its just for a couple of days. And I think she needs it too. It can’t be good for her to shy away from everyone in her life in favor of me. She needs to learn to trust others too.

I know some may think me selfish for wanting to give up at this time, but please keep the flames to a minimum. I would never presume to tell anyone what is best for them and their family.

Okay, this has turned into a much longer post than I thought it would be. Thank you if you have made it this far. Kind of cathartic to type it all out. I normally would not post something so personal on the internet, but I am out of ideas. Any helpful suggestions would be much appreciated!

Thanks

 

[labst60]

Hi - I think I know exactly what you are going through! We just completely weaned DD since Easter (she just turned 25 months) - but she wasn't even over-night weaned until early November (20 months) - and that was just done in a rush bc I needed some minor surgery, but I was going to have to be away from her for the first night she was born.

The overnight took about a week - and the first few nights it was hard. Honestly, if I didn't know I NEEDED to do it bc she was going to be staying with my sister and I didnt want it to be harder on both of them than need be, I probably would have caved in on night 2 or 3 - but by night 4- she would wake up, have a sip of water and go back to sleep (she sleeps with us.) Five months later - she never even ASKS to nurse overnight - but will have some water or milk (from a Nuby sippy cup) and go right back to sleep - it is heaven!

The days were harder for us. In early January, she was still nursing 5-7 times during the day and ALWAYS to sleep and nap. We had to cut back bc I am pregnant (due in Sept) and it was just too hard on my body. I know it CAN be done - but it wasn't working for me bc of bad mornng sickness, I wasn't able to eat/drink much - and I was a mess. Anyway - honestly, she would cry and ask for mommy's milk, and if I felt like she "needed" it (for the comfort), I would usually let her nurse for a lttle while - but usually I'd offer her the Nuby of chocolate milk (which was MUCH more intersting to her than plain while milk!) The key was having it there and ready (her not havign to wait) and she liked when I cuddled her and "fed her like a baby" as she would say. I think that way, she felt like she was still getting the closeness. We probably started the "cutting bacK" right before Valentine's Day. By her birthday (mid-March), she understood that she only nursed 2x per day - to nap and to sleep. Early April, I would have SWORN she would not give those up until she was at least 5, but somehow, it just happened. Once or twice, she was beat and fell asleep cuddled with me- and once I saw she COULD do it, I would encourage her to do it more often. Again, there were times of tears and screaming - I felt horrible, but I also felt at her age (2) it was important for her to be ABLE to fall asleep independently. We really went fron 2x per day to not at all in a matter of 2-4 weeks. She still asks sometimes (its only been 2 weeks - but she is always happy with chocolate milk once I offer to feed her like a baby). By the way, the "chocolate milk" no longer has any chocolate syrup in it I gradually decreased the amount of syrup we would add as she got more used to the sippy cup. She still THINKS she is drinking chocolate milk and is happy, so I am happy.

I really don't think there is any magic formula. I would have been willing to do the 2x per day as long as she "needed", but once I saw she was okay with out it - and SHE saw she was okay - everything just fell into place. I was personally NOT okay with cutting her off cold turkey. I don't mean to sound like I am judging anyone who does, but it was a personal thing. We had both invested so much time into this special relationship and I hated to end it on a sour note. She nursed once since Easter - I cried afterward - I think it was her last time - it was bittersweet - part of me is glad to be done - but I'm sad my baby is growing up and doesn't "need" me anymore - but overall, it is a positive thing for both of us.

My biggest complaint during the whole process was that there are a million resources to tell you how to START breastfeeding - but really nothing out there for a positve way to stop. Apparently, you are on your own with that.

I'm by no means an expert - but since I just went through it, my advice would be:

1) Chocoalte milk - it's a yummy novelty they'll have a hard time refusing - you add the syrup and decrease the amount as your child gets more used to taking their milk from a sippy.

2) The nuby sippies (we bought a walmart) worked great for us - the spout is soft- so she could "suck" if need be - but is clearly a sippy cup, not a bottle. (this was not the first time my dd used these, so I don't know if that is part of the reason it worked so well - she was already familiar.)

3) LOTS of hugs and cuddling. I don't think she would have responsed as well if I would have given her a cup and let her be. She would have really wanted the comfort/closeness. Me holding her and feeding her the sippy gave her that.

4) Patience and remembering "this too shall pass". In retrospect, it was easier than I thought it would be (I really thought she wouldn't be willing to give it up until Kindergarten!!) but many of the individual DAYS were tough. I definately guided the process, but took cues from her as to when she was ready for the next step.

I wish I could say more, but every child is so different! Please PM me if you have any other questions or just get frustrated and need to talk!

Good luck!

 

[tanyaandallie]

First off, you have done an excellent job bf your baby! A huge pat on the back to you! I nursed my dd for 20 mos and am still nursing my ds at 24 mos.

A few things. Your dd's separation anxiety is not likely to get any better by weaning. It's just the age!!! My ds has been through many different stages and is in a very bad sep. anxiety stage right now. It's very frustrating but it is a stage that will pass. I would not stress over her not wanting to be with other, only wanting to be with you, not trusting others, etc. You are her momma and she will always love you best! She will get through this stage, just give it some time.

I would start with night weaning. Once you get your baby sleeping better at night, I think you will be much happier feel much less stressed by the whole thing. Are you co-sleeping? Night weaning is hard work. My dd was a dedicated night nurser/terrible sleeper. We night weaned her a few times and it was really really hard. But it worked and was worth it in the long run. We did not co-sleep but we used a modification of Dr. Jay Gordon's night weaning method. It worked really well for us.

http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp

There is crying and there is some really tough nights but no crying alone. After a week your baby will be sleeping much better. I think you will feel so much better about nursing her if she is sleeping better at night!! You just have to be ready to do it. Don't start until you are ready to stick with it for at least a week.

Another thing that can really help at night is to get your dh involved. Have him deal with the night wakings.

Once you get the nights tackled you can worry about the daytime sessions. I would go slow. Give her some time after you night wean before you tackle the day time sessions.

Also, fwiw, you do not have to wean if you are leaving her. I have left my ds 3 times and have continued to nurse him. He is perfectly fine without me and without nursing while I am away. Each time I have taken my pump and just pumped a few times each day to keep myself comfortable. Once I get home he returns to nursing.

Good luck!

 

[TinkerbEllnor]

A HUGE Thank You to both of you for your responses. When I wrote the original post it was just after a particularly rough night. I am a little better now emotionally. I have to tell you, though, that both of your posts brought tears to my eyes again, but mostly due to the fact that I am not alone in this. Misery loves company? I always thought that meant that miserable people like to make other people miserable too (which I am sure is true for some, too) but in this case knowing that your past 'misery' came out okay makes my current 'misery' a little easier to deal with.

Thank you tanyaandallie for the link. Seeing instructions printed out like that will help get DH fully on board, I think.

Thank you both again. I really appreciate it!!

 

[seashoreCM]

If you want to resume breastfeeding when you get back, you should pump the breasts throughout the vacation. Otherwise "you wean", that is, the milk supply dries up.

I'm not sure whether ingesting the milk you pumped out is normally done but if so, that will maintain calcium balance with fewer calcium pills.

Disney hints: http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

 

[02AggieGirl]

Hi! Weaning is hard at times, I agree. We too are leaving on a trip in less than two weeks now. My daughter just turned 15 months. She fought it at first. If she really got upset or needed comforting, then I would nurse her, but for a shorter period of time--maybe about 5 mins. total. That was enough to calm her down and comfort her.
I was wondering if her waking at night is b/c she is teething? My DD didn't sleep well when she was getting her molars in. If she is, maybe some baby orajel or tylenol might help. Just a thought (and you may have mentioned that--can't remember now).
I also wanted to ask if you is she waking at the same time every night or it is different? With my first, she was waking at the same time every night, and wanting to nurse. My dr told me at her age it was just a habit that I had created and that I needed to break it b/c we both needed our sleep. I don't know if this is the same as your situation, b/c you didn't say whether or not you were nursing her in the middle of the night--I was just assuming.
Anyway, with my daughter, I would bring a cup of milk with me in the mornings to get her up. So that helped break the morning feeding. At night, I nursed her after her bath, but on the couch with the lights on and my other daughter playing and making noise. And again for a shorter time than normal. Then we would brush her teeth, get her blanket and tiger and read books. Then I either will rock her or walk her for a while, then put her in bed. This helped her not to associate feeding with sleeping. However, she is not a screamer if I put her down before she's asleep and never has been. My first daughter was and we just had to take it one day at a time. She was determined, but I was too. Just being consistent with her bedtime routine and once you put her in bed, don't pick her up again. It's hard, I know. I've been there, but if you give in, then she knows it will happen again.
PS My husband wasn't much help either. So just know that you are a very strong and loving person for all you are doing for your children. Hang in there. I hope you will find the encouragement and help you need in someone's reply.

 

[mrsltg]

I have only breastfed one of mine for a very short time so weaning was no issue. I just want to lend some support and say, "hang in there," and it's ok to want some time to yourself! As far as your husband's comment to your dd, I once sang a lullaby of "go to sleep, you little beast, I can't take this anymore..." So sue me! Point is, we all reach our limit and as long as we don't hurt or neglect our children it's ok to mutter

Have a great vacation!

 

[krystalleigh1]

Don't feel selfish. You're not. You've done a great job Bfing your dd. Most people don't make it that long. I'm a home daycare provider, as well as a bfing mother (my ds's a little older than your dd). You can't be a good mother unless you take time for yourself too-and if that means weaning that's what you need to do.

I totally know what you mean-being taken hostage by your toddler. I spend all day with my ds and even when my dh is here-he's not much help. It can be overwhelming at times, because even though I love spending time with my ds-I also need a break once in a while, for my sanity. And I feel like a bad mother when I think, "I need to get away from him for a while," but keep telling myself that if I do get away for a while I will be a better mother. It can be stressful, for sure.

I also know that your dd's age is a big time for saparation anxiety, so be prepared. It's common at that age. One of the peak separation anxiety times.

I don't have any advice about weaning, since I'm still nursing my ds-but good luck. I'm betting that you dd dosen't nurse because she's hungry or thirsty-it's more of an emotional thing. So substituting with a cup may not do much good. Lots of hugs and cuddeling couldn't hurt though.

 

[tanyaandallie]

One more tip I thought I would add. When I weaned my dd I transitioned her from nursing to sleep to taking a sippy of water to bed with her. I didn't want to do milk b/c I didn't want to fight the habit of taking the milk away later. I actually got the suggestion at a LLL meeting and worked well for us. I started out nursing her to sleep like normal. After a while I would take her off and give her the sippy and continue to rock her. We did this for a few weeks and slowly I nursed her for shorter periods of time and gave her the sippy earlier and earlier. She didn't drink the sippy like she was nursing or anything but it was something to give her and something for her to do. Even though I am still nursing my ds I started him with the sippy long ago. So, when we do stop nursing he will already be in the habit of haviing his water (or wa wa as he calls it).

FWIW, nursing a child is really a wonderful thing but it does have it's peaks and valleys!! Sometimes you love it, sometimes you hate it!!

 

[hematite153]

I understand why you don't want to contact a lactation consultant.

However, my sense of La Leche League is that they would be able to help with weaning.

You could also consider working with a Dulla--they tend to be able to help with just about everything.

(I don't have any personal advice since I'm still working on having kids but I know people who've gone through rough times too. They all solved it differently. My mother was very active in LLL when I was little so my comment on that is based on my memories--I really do think there were discussions about weaning.)

 

[monorailsilver]

I can sympatize, I hate weaning.

My oldest pretty much self weaned at a year when I was introducing whole milk so she was pretty easy although just knowing that tonight is the last night is not fun.

My ds, I stopped when he was 18 months.

My youngest (and last) just stopped April 1st & she was 13 months old.

I would of went longer but I was ready.

As for the night nursings what I tried to do was hold off 10 to 15 min each night (if I was awake enough to do that) or I'd be adiment & say she/he will not nurse until after 4am or 5am depending on the stage we were in.

With my youngest she'd scream some nights & we did the water thing & that helped.

She still does not STTN but I blame that partially on 4 incisors & 4 molars trying to break thru.


I too have given in to nurse because I just can't deal with it & want some sleep.

Heck last night & the past few nights when she is awake at midnight for no reason tossing & turning & won't go to sleep I just want to lift my shirt & pop my **** in her mouth so we can both doze off. I won't do that though.

How often are you nursing? What I did with all 3 of mine and this is what worked for me and I am not telling you or anyone to do this.

Anyways, I was probably still nursing 5 times a day when I started to cut it out & she (I am just thinking of my last child now) was nursing early am, pre am nap, pre pm nap & bed time & then there would be the night time feeding.

I obviously cut the night time one out first.

I then worked on the mid am one before her nap & I gave her a sippy of water since she liked that better then milk at that point.

Then I cut out the pre-pm nap one & did the same as above. Usually she was pretty tired so by sitting in my arms she fell asleep no problem at all.

I cut out the am one & that was pretty easy since I just gave her a sippy of water & she liked to play in our bed (she ends up in our bed every night because it is the only way I can get sleep).

The night time was was the hardest knowing she was it. I tried one night & she screamed for a good half hour so I gave in.

I tried the next night & she was fine & went to sleep but I also think it was because she didn't take a am nap that day & then took an earlier pm nap resulting in waking up earlier so she was tired.

The next night she moaned a bit but it worked & now I give her a sippy of milk to drink & she falls asleep on me.

Easier said then done, right?

I don't do CIO either. My younger 2 are pukers if they cry too much so I'd rather sit with them then change pj's, sheets, & do a full body wash down.

Good luck & you can do it.

 

[Juliet25]

I don't think I can advise you on weaning. It seems your DD isn't ready just yet, so you may have to go cold turkey. If she's anything like my DD, nursing was very important to her. She didn't wean until she was 3.5, lol.

However, I can say that perhaps you don't *need* to wean her. My DH and I took a trip to WDW when DD was 15 months old. We left her with her grandparents and she did great. I fully expected her to be done with nursing, but that was not the case. She actually remembered how to do it. (I took a handpump and pumped once a day to relieve engorgement.)

Perhaps you can see how she does when you leave her overnight. Out of sight might = out of mind, kwim?

 

[ch261]

My middle ds had to wean kind of suddenly at 20 months when my older one had surgery and I needed to be at the hopsital with him. We went cold turkey, and it was hard for him and painful for me. I was ready emotionally- I had become the human pacifier- but I ended up very engorged and eventually got mastitis. Not pleasant.

I just read an excellent book about sleeping; Sleepless in America, practical strategies to help your family get the sleep it deserves, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. One suggestion she gave when you are your child's "lovie," or security object, is to pick another security object, like a soft silky blanket, and give it to them as they are "using you." Eventually that comfort feeling will transfer to the object. So maybe as you're nursing, you can stick a blanket or stuffed animal near your daughter, under her arm, or by her cheek, and eventually she'd have a new security object. I don't know if it would work, but it sounds like it might be worth a try.

Good luck. I think weaning is the worst part about nursing.

 

[WDWorBUST]

I don't think I have any additional advice....I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the "misery" I found out when dd was 8 months or so that my thryoid was overactive and everyone was pushing me to wean when I wasn't ready. I managed to hold them off by just treating my symptoms but when dd was 15 months old my parents actually weaned me and her both I don't think I could have done it alone....but they pushed me to becaue they were worried about their "baby" and the potential danger of leaving my thyroid issue untreated. So off DH and I went on a weekend alone and I only pumped enough to stay comfortable (hardly at all) and when I got back (only 3 days) she was weaned. It still wasn't easy. In fact she still has the habit of wanting to stick her hand down my shirt when she's really tired (she's 3 1/2) which was her replacement when she first quit nursing (I know a bad idea on my part to ever allow it - but it was comforting to her for some reason). Anyway....as hard as it was we both made it through it somehow. And you will too....it doesn't sound like you have family nearby or I'd suggest the cold turkey trip away. Just keep working at it....and this too shall pass. I find myself telling myself those two phrases over and over and over and over and over......

 

[emh1129]

Just wanted to offer my support as a bfing mother. My dd is 29 months now and we haven't gone through the weaning process, so I don't have advice for you on that front, but just wanted to say that it's wonderful to have made it to 18 months
If she is really not ready to wean right now and it's upsetting her that much, could you posisbly try again in a month or so? So much can change in a month.. around that age my dd gave up the nighttime nursings and went to bedtime and naptime and once in the morning. Now it's only once a day. It's all been her own transition.
If you're sure that it is your time to wean, I hope things go smoothly for you I wish I had more advice for you, I'm sorry!
And I hope you're able to get a good night's sleep!

 

[TinkerbEllnor]

I just wanted to say thank you to you all for all the support.

I had her weaned in the day time but not at night, because it was easier with meals and distractions, I guess, so for the past couple of days I have backtracked a little bit and added back in some daytime sessions in favor of cutting out the nighttime sessions. Once the night is taken care of, we'll re-visit the days. Its tough but working okay. She's had to sleep with us the past 2 nights in order to get her back to sleep when she wakes without nursing, but we made it through the whole night.

Because she is my last, it is bittersweet to finish off this stage of her babyhood, but the time is right. Thanks again everyone!

 

[debm]

Hi. I didn't read all the responses to your posts but honestly I wouldn't worry about weaning her before you go. As long as she is eating and drinking other foods---ie you are not leaving a 6 month old that is not used to other things to eat---then she will manage just fine. She won't be happy with you. But she will manage with the grandparents just fine. I know it must be difficult thinking how they will get her to sleep and keep her asleep but it will work out. Depending on how long your trip is she may or may not nurse when you get back. Now if you are still producing enough milk that you might feel uncomfortable with an abrupt stop then you will want to express a bit while you are gone. Also in the next 3 months you can cut back on nursing a bit. The old LLL advice of "dont offer, don't refuse" works well. Plus when she wants to nurse you could distract her a bit first and then nurse and then maybe stop the nursing a bit early with another distraction. That will help to decrease your milk supply. The longer you can go without nursing, rather than frequent short nursings will help. don't stress over it. She will feel your stress and want to nurse more. Yes, doctors aren't much help because they don't understand. You have given your daughter an excellent start. There is no reason that you have to plan the weaning---it will take care of itself. She just plain might not want it when you return. You can email me privately if you like. I spent many years helping mothers through breastfeeding issues---just been "retired" for a few now! Debi