OT:Vent what would you do?

[drcbpearce]

This may be a nothing situation, but yesterday it was traumatizing for DS8, and today really got me wound up.

DS8 and two of his buddies walk home from the bus stop. I look outside just in time to see two of our neighbor boys 10 & 13) walking back into their house, while my DS's two buddies are walking back across the street toward our house, where my DS is. I go outside to find my DS in tears w/a look of deer in the headlights on his face. The two buddies, same age as DS, thought it would be funny to 'ding-dong-ditch' the people across the street. They have 3 boys, the two listed above and one who's 15 and 6'tall. They are not what I'd call upstanding citizens: I've personally heard the dad using F-bombs when talking to the 10yr-old, they are frequently left alone for long periods after school, and the 10-yr-old got caught stealing money from my DS whom he claimed to be friends with.

I bring DS into the house and he is very distraught and crying. he explains the situation to me, his buddies wanted to do the ding dong thing, but he didn't want to participate, so he hid behind our mailbox watching the other kids. they ring the bell and hide behind a car next door to the house. when the 15YO comes out, he sees my DS and goes off on him. The other boys say they were just trying to see if the 10YO can play, but he's zeroed in on my DS and unloads on him and says,' it better not happen again, it won't be pretty next time.' My DS was mortified and terrified this 15yo is going to hurt him and he's upset at being accused of doing something he didn't do. I know ding-dong-ditch is not a huge thing, but to see my DS so upset, needless to say, really upset me. I was unhappy about what this boy had said to mine and it really sounded intimidating and threatening, even though that may not have been the intent, that's how it came across.

I called the mom today and told her the situation and that if my DS does something that they have a problem with in the future, i want them to tell me and I'll take care of it. SHE LAUGHED AT ME AND TOLD ME TO TELL MY DS TO GET OVER IT! She kept telling me it's no big deal. Although, I"m sure if someone twice her DS's age threatened him or scared him, she'd be all over him. I know in the big picture, it may not be a big deal, but I was bullied as a child and I still remember that feeling of fear. If my child is doing something he shouldn't I want to know about it, so I can rectify the situation. I thought most parents would be like that too. I'm just furious and would really love it if they would move, but I"m not holding my breath. I'm really concerned to see what is going to go one with these boys as they get older, they're already thugs-in-training.

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? What did you do? What do I do next? anything? Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better already.

 

[poohfriend77]

I'm so sorry! That must have been really scary for your son, and I know my mama lion would come roaring out!

If the kids' parents aren't taking it seriously, I don't know what you can do. Just tell your son to stay away from their house and ALL the members of that family. It's a shame that the 10yo is essentially being punished for his rotten family, but you have to think of your son first. I think I'd also mention it to the parents of the friends who were with your son. Not to try to "get them in trouble" for the doorbell thing, but I know I'd want to know if my kids were threatened.

Just steer clear, and keep praying they move.

 

[drcbpearce]

Unfortunately, the 10yo isn't really being punished for the family's actions, they're his actions too, he's just following in the footsteps of the older two: stealing from my DS, doing his own ding dong ditch and having a potty mouth of his own. It's really sad that the parents allow that kind of thing to go on in their home. Every time he came over prior to the theft, he was always very polite to me and treated my DD5 very sweetly. I hate it, it's very frustrating. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

[jellybeans0607]

How can you be so sure your son didn't do it, but just didn't want to tell you?

Honestly I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I wouldn't have even called his mom. Your son was with a group of friends who decided to do something...well rather silly, but also annoying to the family. It sounds like your son was close enough to your home, he could have just left, but he didn't. So guilty by association, right? The boy that lived there had no reason to think your son didn't do it.

I have an 8yo daughter. If she came to me with this story I would tell her to mind her business when shes in the neighborhood playing. That she is not to go ringing door bells and running, and that if her friends do it she is more than welcome to decide to come home. If she doesn't then to expect to be yelled at again.

If it were my 4yo that the 15yo yelled at then i might have a bigger problem with it, but not my 8yo, she should know better.

 

[drcbpearce]

How can you be so sure your son didn't do it, but just didn't want to tell you?

Honestly I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I wouldn't have even called his mom. Your son was with a group of friends who decided to do something...well rather silly, but also annoying to the family. It sounds like your son was close enough to your home, he could have just left, but he didn't. So guilty by association, right? The boy that lived there had no reason to think your son didn't do it.

I have an 8yo daughter. If she came to me with this story I would tell her to mind her business when shes in the neighborhood playing. That she is not to go ringing door bells and running, and that if her friends do it she is more than welcome to decide to come home. If she doesn't then to expect to be yelled at again.

If it were my 4yo that the 15yo yelled at then i might have a bigger problem with it, but not my 8yo, she should know better.

I don't think he did it b/c he's a very honest kid, and I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I did explain the whole guilt by association and how it would've looked to the neighbor and why he growled at them. For them to be yelled at for doing it is not a surprise. I just didn't appreciate him using his size/age advantage over them to intimidate them.

I try to help him use every situation he can as a learning experience, so it doesn't happen again. This will be the 'just b/c your friends are doing it' thing. I think he was unhappy enough that maybe he will have learned from it.

Thanks for your input.

 

[melancholywings]

I imagine your kid was scared but this could easily be turned into a lesson for him. And I think going after the neighbors kid and trying to get him in trouble is teaching the wrong lesson. Because honestly the neighbors kids were right to be irked by it. And being bigger and saying if you do it again it won't be pretty isn't bullying - your son may not have rung the door bell but he was still a part of the group that did. The threat was provoked by his group of friends. And who's to say this isn't the first time this group of kids have done it.

If he were my kid I'd tell him in the future if his friends are doing something he doesn't agree with he should just come into the house.

 

[melancholywings]

Oh I hope my post didn't sound mean spirited. I know what it's like when your child cries and it's hard not to go super mom on other kids.

 

[drcbpearce]

It's one of those weird situations. I want him to learn from it. I've always told him if someone is doing something he thinks is wrong, he should walk away. This time he wanted to see what was going to happen and ended up caught in the middle. I know the other kid was p/o'd. I would be too. They've done the ding dong thing to us before and it is maddening. It's hard when you feel like someone is trying to intimidate your child and want to protect him. I mean, if your mom won't stand up for you, who will? It wasn't so much that I was trying to get the other kid in trouble, but I wanted her to know about it and to at least respect my wishes as a parent. If my kid is doing something he shouldn't, then by golly, I need to know about it, so I can correct the behavior and see that the proper consequences come from it.

 

[HappyDznyCamper]

I guess what you can(should) do, is meet your DS at the bus stop and walk him home, I imagine the older boy won't harrass him with you there. When he plays outside, he needs to stear clear of this house, if you have to watch him to make sure he does, then that is the way it needs to be for a while.

 

[justtobeme2]

Comfort your son but don't make a big deal out of it. WE used to call it "ring and run". Yeah I did it a few times and I am a "good" girl. Tell you son just not to even be near the neighbors when/if the other boys do it.

I think on this issue you should be thankful about your, less than stellar, neighbor. My SIL's mum (british) showed me the neighbor directly across the street from her who never was neighborly for 40 YEARS (!) because when her daughter was 7 she did a ring and run and the woman got all bent out of shape and never spoke to any of them again...geesh she needed to get over it and she's STILL there!

 

[gaelic grace]

I think that you have done what you can at this point. Your son has learned a valuable lesson about getting caught up in things. Walking away is hard but it's the right thing to do. He now will probably walk away the next time. The lesson might have been learned a little easier but tough lessons don't kill us. You can tell your son that your glad he told you about it and that he always needs to talk to you. You can role play how to stand up for and explain yourself. Does he know you called the other mother? If so then he knows you will go to bat for him when necessary.

 

[BellyBaby]

I would have asked to talk to the 15 year old, not the mom, considering they sound like less than stellar parents. But I also doubt a 15 year old would bother with an 8 yr old in the future, he was probably just trying to keep annoying kids away, not realizing he was scaring your son.

Your son was likely crying not so much from the yelling, but at the frustration of being blamed for something he didn't do. And then the guilt for not standing up for yourself afterwards and feeling like a weiner.

I would tell my son that it doesn't matter what the 15 yr-old thinks, your son knows he didn't do anything wrong, that you believe he didn't do it, and that's all that matters. Tell him the older kid was just trying to act like the man of the house, and show off. 8 yr olds understand what showing off is all about. Tell him this a few times so he really hears it and doesn't stress.

If you go about that it's no big deal, he'll take your cue and move on to and take a lesson from it. He's pretty young, he'll grow from the experience. So will you.

 

[HugsForEeyore]

My goodness, how times changed! Well, if this happened to me back as a kid in the 70's .....

If I participated in the ring-the-bell-and run thing with friends (even just watching from a distance) and got caught and yelled at by someone at the house, I would have done EVERYTHING in my power to hide the whole incident from my parents. Because my parents would have yelled at me and punished me for being involved! Forgot about defending me and confronting the parents at other house - unheard of! My parents would have been furious at me, made sure I understood I deserved the yelling by the older kid, and I better not be caught anywhere near that sort of stuff again. No way, shape, of form would my parents come to my rescue and defend me - forget about it!

But wow - it's so different today! OP - hope your son feels better!

 

[ajk912]

I wouldn't let my 8 year old hang out with them anymore. I know they live on the same street, but you can still avoid their influences as much as possible. I would either:

1) Meet my kid at the bus stop so he doesn't have to walk home by himself/ walk with these kids.

2) Tell him to walk home by himself, stay away from these kids

3) Drop him off and pick him up at school to avoid the bus altogether

I would do 1 or 3, frankly. I have a 9 year old and 8 year old..and I still walk them to the bus stop in the mornings and I pick them at school in the afternoons..so he wouldn't be the first 8 year old, that's for sure!

 

[drcbpearce]

Thanks for all of the input. Yes, I pick him up from the bus. He asked me on Wed if he could walk home w/those boys. My response was 'No. Remember what happened last time you did that?' and that was the end of that. I think he's learned his lesson, well at least I hope he has. I know in the big picture of things kids can get into, doing a ring and run, or ding dong ditch, is just one of those silly things kids do, but I want him to learn from it, so the things he gets into don't progressively get worse.

 

[Mike2023]

ya, I must say that I am in the same boat as HugsForEeyore. If I was your son I would have gotten in a tun of crap when I got home and rightfully so.

I don't think its fair to judge the parents or the kid that yelled at your son. A childish game of Ring and run deserves a childish retaliation.

I also think you "siding with your son" and calling there parents will give your son the wrong idea. Basically he had a part in "bullying" this other family, and when he got "bullied" back you backed him up and called the other parents ignoring the fact that he had a hand in it to begin with.

I hope the best for you and your son. Remember, still loads of trouble for him to get in yet.

 

[ladulce]

I had a similar bully situation here. My 10 year old was followed home and kicked by these AWFUL kids. The parents were not interested in correcting the matter. I told them that should there ever be another issue, I would NOT knock at their door, but, would call the police. I said to them, "I have nothing to hide when an officer comes to my door. How about you? Got anything in there maybe you wouldn't want an official to see"? They took it a bit more seriously. I agreed with her that the children wouldn't get in trouble, but, that I felt it was necessary for the police to be informed of the threat (since making threats is illegal), and, that the officers will definitely respond to a non-emergency call in this case. This was a family that I knew had a 16 year old son that was drinking in the park near our home and an alcohol (drug?) abuse issue within the family.

IF these are renters, I would call the owner of the home. ALso, I would call the school that your child attends if these other children are in school with him. Lastly, I WOULD call the police and just tell them that you want it on record in case something happens between this older boy and your child, you want it known what is going on. I think that police would typically rather be informed about these issues. It helps them to "watch out" for trouble makers, and, help protect the innocent kids, too.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck, and, take comfort that you weren't the incompetent parent whose poor child must suffer.

 

[drcbpearce]

ya, I must say that I am in the same boat as HugsForEeyore. If I was your son I would have gotten in a tun of crap when I got home and rightfully so.

I don't think its fair to judge the parents or the kid that yelled at your son. A childish game of Ring and run deserves a childish retaliation.

I also think you "siding with your son" and calling there parents will give your son the wrong idea. Basically he had a part in "bullying" this other family, and when he got "bullied" back you backed him up and called the other parents ignoring the fact that he had a hand in it to begin with.

I hope the best for you and your son. Remember, still loads of trouble for him to get in yet.

I try really hard not to judge people, I know I'm not perfect and don't want people to judge me. However, when I hear with my own ears F-bombs coming from the dad to the 10yo, said 10yo steals from my son and there are lengthy periods of time these 3 children are unsupervised, it's really hard to give these people the benefit of the doubt.

Yes, my son was upset at being accused of doing something he said he didn't do, I would be too. The reason I called her was b/c I didn't appreciate the way her son talked to mine and, as I've said previously, if he's done something they have a problem with, I want to know about it. I know, an adult would yell at him too, rightly so, but I don't think it would've come across the same way. If he's done something he shouldn't have, I think I should be the one disciplining him.

I appreciate all of the input. You've all helped me see different perspectives. Hopefully I can translate this to be a constructive lesson for the little knucklehead so he doesn't do stupid stuff like this in the future.

And believe me, I'm not so far removed from being a teenager (in my mind anyway) that I don't remember all of the temptations and junk to get into.

 

[drcbpearce]

I had a similar bully situation here. My 10 year old was followed home and kicked by these AWFUL kids. The parents were not interested in correcting the matter. I told them that should there ever be another issue, I would NOT knock at their door, but, would call the police. I said to them, "I have nothing to hide when an officer comes to my door. How about you? Got anything in there maybe you wouldn't want an official to see"? They took it a bit more seriously. I agreed with her that the children wouldn't get in trouble, but, that I felt it was necessary for the police to be informed of the threat (since making threats is illegal), and, that the officers will definitely respond to a non-emergency call in this case. This was a family that I knew had a 16 year old son that was drinking in the park near our home and an alcohol (drug?) abuse issue within the family.

IF these are renters, I would call the owner of the home. ALso, I would call the school that your child attends if these other children are in school with him. Lastly, I WOULD call the police and just tell them that you want it on record in case something happens between this older boy and your child, you want it known what is going on. I think that police would typically rather be informed about these issues. It helps them to "watch out" for trouble makers, and, help protect the innocent kids, too.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck, and, take comfort that you weren't the incompetent parent whose poor child must suffer.

OMG, your poor child. That's just terrible. These people are not renters. I'll consider the police thing, though. I hadn't thought of that one, you know I don't think he would ever do something, but you never know.