OT: how to tell someone you no longer want to be friends

[dopeyprincesses]

short story - Do you have any advice how I could say something nicely that would let her know I don't want to be friends.

Long story:

Our family has know this family in our neighborhood for two years. Our children are the same ages(5 & 9) in fact, this year in school they are in the same classes. But the problem is this mom is very obnoxious and jealous....she lives with her crazy in-laws(that's what she calls them) with her DH and 3 kids in one bedroom of the house and I own my own home. For example, not long after I met her, I had her over and I was telling her that we were going to do some kind of renovation but we needed to save up for it...her reply was, "well, you're telling the wrong person, to me your rich!" OK, I dropped the conversation. There are many other situations and differences in the way we parent too (for example, they let their kids watch the evening news - we don't and they let their kids hear adult words) The main reason I continued the "friendship" was because our 9yo's got along well.

Speed up to January'07.....her youngest daughter's first birthday was coming up and it passed. We were not invited to the birthday. Fine, but strange since we had just been to her house for New Year's Eve party a week prior and everything seemed ok. Since then, we have not had any conversations.

anyhoo, my question is I'm bound to see her now, with the warm weather when we take our kids to the park in our development and I just don't know what to say. She will probably say "where have you been"

thank you so much for reading this far Do you have any advice how I could say something nicely that would let her know I don't want to continue the friendship nor do I want our kids to have playdates.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

While I am sure you have many more reasons that you don't like her, keep in mind that you are not going to agree with everybody's idea of parenting. While I am all for sticking to what's important to you, I think some of the things you have mentioned will make it hard for you to have any friends if that is going to be your basis. Not trying to be rude, truly I'm not, but I am sure there is more to the story. Anyway- I would just blow her off. Let the frienship die out. If she asks where you've been just say "busy". You don't owe anyone an explanation. If you really don't want to be bothered she will get the hint.

 

[jodifla]

While I am sure you have many more reasons that you don't like her, keep in mind that you are not going to agree with everybody's idea of parenting. While I am all for sticking to what's important to you, I think some of the things you have mentioned will make it hard for you to have any friends if that is going to be your basis. Not trying to be rude, truly I'm not, but I am sure there is more to the story. Anyway- I would just blow her off. Let the frienship die out. If she asks where you've been just say "busy". You don't owe anyone an explanation. If you really don't want to be bothered she will get the hint.

Yeah, I agree. What's tricky is if your DD still wants to be pals with her DD.

No good way to tell someone you don't want to be friends anymore...just let it die a natural death.

 

[mytwotinks]

Just be friendly to her when you see her. Just like you would to anyone who you knew casually.

I have run across a lot of oddballs since my dd9 started school. In my experience the best way to handle it is to set my own boundaries (no going to the mall with the woman, not having her to my house anymore, not being available for her parties, etc...) You make your own boundaries and stick to them. You never need to tell her what those boundaries are or give her reasons for them. Just don't let someone that is weird get too involved in your life.

Good luck. I've been where you are and I know it can be awkward. I think weirdos should have to wear some kind of button so I know to keep away from them!

 

[1rockinmamato2]

Since becoming a mom, I have discovered that just because my child and another child are classmates or friends, doesn't necessarily mean that I click with their mom. That also holds true in reverse and I know that my children may not necessarily like the children of my friends.

You and other friends will never see eye to eye on 100% of parenting issues. There will always be some difference in another's philosophy on parenting. And although you may not agree with your neighbor allowing her children to do some things you don't agree with, it's my opinion that as long as she is a good person with a sense of morals and values, her minor character flaws could be overlooked for the sake of the kids.

I agree that you can still be friendly to her without actually being friends with her.

 

[JJ&JSMOM]

We had pretty much the same situation as far as not wanting to be friends with our neighbors. They have 2 boys ages 5 & 7 and they would play w/my kids but mostly our DS7. The two 7 yr olds would play all the time and had school together.

In the beginning it was cute and I was pleased that DS7 had friend in the neighborhood to play with. Well come around 4 to 5 years of age the boys played w/each other a lot...we even went on a long weekend trip w/them. Well after a while it got to be too much. Everytime we were out their kids had to be out w/us. When we got home from going somewhere they were sometimes waiting for us in our yard. To make it worse DH and their Mom worked on a couple projects together and it was like there were no boundaries anywhere.

DS7 considered the other 7 year old to be his best friend but we began noticing the other boy to be very mean and maniuplative to DS7. DS7 would get very frustrated at play and his self esteem was low. He took out his frustrations on our DD by being verbally being mean. We distanced ourselves as much as we could w/o hurting anyone's feelings but we couldn't tolerate it anymore. We just make excuses for not letting the kids play and hoped they would get the message.... DH was still working w/her. So a sticky situation.

To make a long story short (trust me I left out sooooo many details), you need to speak up. We didn't and it blew up in our face. I do not deal well w/conflict and just wanted it to go away. My DH is the one that blew up one day. The neighbor's boy said something so mean to our son that DH lost it and said a whole lot and not in a nice way to the kid's Mom. So needless to say the families do not talk. The boys would play a school until this school year when DS7 found a good friend at school and now he knows what a good friend is and wants nothing to do w/the neighbor's boy. DS7 is right into sports, doing good in school and his self esteem is much better. It was the best thing for him but we didn't handle it well.

Sorry to ramble on...I think I would say something...not sure what. I've learned not to keep things in and ignore them because eventually come out and things are said that shouldn't be. It is so hard though I can relate. I guess just be honest and say what you need to say as gently as possible. What I was afraid of doing was "burning any bridges" for my son but their friendship was not healthy and had to be ended.

Good luck! I know how hard this is.

 

[Whosemom]

Since SHE didn't invite YOU to her (dd's) party, it sounds like you have nothing to worry about. She's ready to let the relationship die a natural death as well.

 

[runwad]

Boy it's so funny when you read things others post and think thats happening to me too. We too became too close w/our neighbors who had kids opposite sex but same age as ours. We finally just pulled back not making ourselves available and one thing I hated but they'd cause me to leave my house and go to the park or find other things to do just not to be here at their disposal. For a while it was awkward and felt like we were all trying to avoid each other, they were mad at us cause we didn't have time for them, and we were just trying to live our own life. Nothing worse then wanting to just spend some time sitting outside on the patio and here comes the whole clan...it got to the point when one summer I couldn't go outside or they'd come over and our neighbors are mooches!! Anyway I agree with everyone else just let it die a slow death, be nice talk to her but only talk pleasantries...our kids out grew each other anyway being different sexes so now its not so strained. Good Luck.

 

[JJ&JSMOM]

Since SHE didn't invite YOU to her (dd's) party, it sounds like you have nothing to worry about. She's ready to let the relationship die a natural death as well.

Hopefully- but we didn't invite our neighbor's kids and they didn't seem to get the message. Good luck!

 

[isla bonita]

Just say busy busy busy and leave it at that.

 

[toy]

You could try to be honest. Tell her you are happy that your kids get along so well but you find yourself too busy to hangout. I ignored my neighbor for a while. (put my car in the garage, answering machine pickup, rush by in a hurry with an apology) I finally told her how I felt. She backed off and we get along great now.

 

[crisi]

Oh, we've been so busy, you know how it goes...I don't know where that winter went!

Playdate on Saturday - oh, we have plan to go to the zoo. No, busy on Sunday this week, too. Another time? we'll see how it goes - just can't make a committment right now.

 

[dopeyprincesses]

good morning and thank you all for such wonderful advice

Like jj&jsmom said, I don't deal with conflict well either. I agree that she has already let the friendship die, it's just that I've been obsessing of what to do when we run into each other. So I like the idea of just saying busy busy.

good luck to the other posters who have similiar problem, it's really tough when it's your neighbor.

have a great day everyone

 

[mom2my3kids]

This is why I am glad there are mostly older people on my block. I don't interact with them and they don't with us. There is a lot of family on the block, parents down the street and a couple aunts and uncles. But to be honest nobody bothers us. I mean his parents do not come over all the time they are very respectful of our privacy. Of course if we are outside and his aunt is in her yard we chat. We also have open land on both sides of our house so we are not right up on each other. I am not a hermit but I like my privacy..

 

[labdogs42]

Since SHE didn't invite YOU to her (dd's) party, it sounds like you have nothing to worry about. She's ready to let the relationship die a natural death as well.

That's what I thought, too. I would take that as a good sign!

 

[LuvOrlando]

WOW, it seems like everyone has the same issues everywhere.

My rules are
#1, if a kid doesn't invite my kid to a birthday they don't get an invite either. This isn't about spite, its just the way adults do things. I figure I might as well teach my kids now that if they are mean someone will leave them out & if someone is mean to them its ok to walk away.

#2, lots of sports & activities make good neighbors.

We had a problem with neighborhood kids a while back & it was resolved by sports. IMO having someone mad at us just makes MY life harder so I usually have an occaisional BBQ and invite all the neighbors so they don't think I want nothing to do with them. This way when I have a private BBQ they realize that if I wanted them they'd get a call. To me, a happy neighborhood is about building fences & maintaining the smile & wave over them.

I would never say anything outright because it probably won't end well. It sounds to me like you've gotten your feelings hurt. Shake it off and smile. Nothing will bug someone trying to hurt you more than seeing it didn't work

 

[kribit]

Honestly, if it were me I'd just avoid the situation. I wouldn't go out of my way to say anything to her, as it sounds as if she feels the same way.