OT-How do I teach ds to defend himself

[kandb]

I wonder if I can get some advice from my disney family. I have a ds who will be 7 years old in less then a month, he has a twin dd. He was thought to be on the spectrum when he was younger but got a lot of therapy and has done wonderfully. He is in 1st grade and loves playing with the kids in his class. He tends to be a little quirky and immature but is a kind loving boy. My dd said that today a few kids picked him up and threw him down during recess. There are also 2 boys that pick on him (pushing, hitting etc). It does not seem to bother him. My dh and I tell him if a kid hits or pushes him to push him back. He just doesn't defend or retaliate, he seems to laugh things off and try to run away. He is big for his age as well. How do I get it accross to him to defend himself or these kids will continue to pick on him. Do you think he will finally get it and start to defend himself? I will call the school tomorrow to let them know, but I would feel so much better if he would take care of the situation himself. Thanks, Linda

 

[Leajess99]

I wonder if I can get some advice from my disney family. I have a ds who will be 7 years old in less then a month, he has a twin dd. He was thought to be on the spectrum when he was younger but got a lot of therapy and has done wonderfully. He is in 1st grade and loves playing with the kids in his class. He tends to be a little quirky and immature but is a kind loving boy. My dd said that today a few kids picked him up and threw him down during recess. There are also 2 boys that pick on him (pushing, hitting etc). It does not seem to bother him. My dh and I tell him if a kid hits or pushes him to push him back. He just doesn't defend or retaliate, he seems to laugh things off and try to run away. He is big for his age as well. How do I get it accross to him to defend himself or these kids will continue to pick on him. Do you think he will finally get it and start to defend himself? I will call the school tomorrow to let them know, but I would feel so much better if he would take care of the situation himself. Thanks, Linda

Please do not teach your child to retaliate as walking away is the best thing he can do. You never know what a child may be carrying with them and retaliating puts your child at risk for disciplinary action (suspension, expulsion, etc) as well as injury. The kids will get tired of not getting a real reaction out of him and leave him be but teaching him to hit back is so not the answer. I have a 17 year old, 11 year old (soon to be 12), and a 7 year old and I teach them to walk away. My oldest almost lost his life because he did not walk away when he was in 8th grade. He learned a very valuable lesson that day that he carries with him. Walking away is always a better idea than trying to fight back.

I would definitely contact the school and let them know but your son is doing the best thing he can and it sounds like he is handling it the best way for him. If the kids see it does not bother him than they will leave him alone. Here if a kid retaliates or fights back than they are suspended or expelled as well. Why risk his education and safety?

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Please do not teach your child to retaliate as walking away is the best thing he can do. You never know what a child may be carrying with them and retaliating puts your child at risk for disciplinary action (suspension, expulsion, etc) as well as injury. The kids will get tired of not getting a real reaction out of him and leave him be but teaching him to hit back is so not the answer. I have a 17 year old, 11 year old (soon to be 12), and a 7 year old and I teach them to walk away. My oldest almost lost his life because he did not walk away when he was in 8th grade. He learned a very valuable lesson that day that he carries with him. Walking away is always a better idea than trying to fight back.

I would definitely contact the school and let them know but your son is doing the best thing he can and it sounds like he is handling it the best way for him. If the kids see it does not bother him than they will leave him alone. Here if a kid retaliates or fights back than they are suspended or expelled as well. Why risk his education and safety?

I agree with this. Pushing or hitting back will only cause the situation to escalate and could get your DS hurt or in just as much trouble as the bullies. It sounds like the bullies see him as a target and won't stop picking on him until they get into some serious trouble. You can definitely encourage your DS to give them a sharp, "Leave me alone" and then immediately seek out a teacher or yard duty. He won't be able to solve this on his own and needs adult intervention. As a parent, I would definitely let the teacher know what's been going on. Give the names of the bullies and say you'd like to have this situation watched carefully.

If your son is indeed on the spectrum, he probably doesn't have the social skills yet to deal with this himself, especially in 1st grade. My son w/Asperger's had similar problems. He ended up with a network of "protecters" that included yard duty people, teacher's aides and other kids (mostly girls). If someone bothered him on the playground, his protecters would quickly step in. I hope this gets resolved for your DS soon. There's nothing worse than bullies who take advantage of other kids!!!

 

[bwilcox]

I agree with the previous posters. As a former teacher, you can't believe how many times I tried to teach my students healthy ways to deal with conflict, only to hear, "But my dad says if someone pushes me I should push them back!" Fighting the bullies will only escalate the problem. If students at a school are caught fighting, guess who get in trouble-BOTH, regardless of who "started it." Your son is 7. He should not be responsible for solving this difficult problem. It is the job of the parents (both of the picked on child and the bullies) as well as the teachers and school administrators to handle this. At this point, it seems that you could all work together to solve the problem. Your son seems to be a sweet boy-I'm not sure why you would want to teach him that violence is the solution to his problem.

 

[kandb]

I appreciate the replies. However this has been going on for a long time and walking away does not seem to help. I feel he is a target because he does not defend himself. Believe me, I am not for fighting etc. but I feel like he is a target because he does not defend himself. There are alot of kids who like to hit, push etc. and apparently the lunch ladies don't "see" anything. I'm really getting frustrated with the whole situation. Thanks for your replies

 

[MSSANDRA]

Better supervision is a big concern here!! Children at age six are just starting to learn social skills and they NEED adults help to learn. Even though he may not be labled, he may still have some issues that make this type of situation VERY difficult to deal with. His pushing back my put him a situation that is much harder to deal with, think a full fight!!!!

Talk to the teacher first, then work your way up. This situation should NOT be allowed to continue.

 

[perpetualplanner]

My oldest DS is much the same (never an official diagnosis but after therapy most said they probably could have diagnosed his as on the chart). When he was younger (preschool) kids used to take the toy he was playing with (typical preschool behavior) and he allow it. I spent weeks trying to teach him to say "I was playing with that. You can have it when I am done" to no avail. He will learn to cope with it on his own but he will probably never like confrontation and will therefore avoid it. Even at 14 mine will just leave a situation and honestly it's probably for the best. He has learned to walk away before things get to a fight without making himself look weak. Good luck - it does get easier!

 

[jellybeans0607]

I'm not a fan of fighting back just for the sake of fighting. I teach my kid to leave the situation and find a grown up if it's needed. As far as I'm concerned anyone that throws a punch is in the wrong...first, second or 5th punch...you're wrong.

 

[tlh0726]

If this is an ongoing problem, have you contacted the school previously?
If not, why?
If they are not aware that it is happening they cannot help fix the problem.
This may be occuring at an area that is not in full view of the teacher.
If you have reported it and nothing is being done, I would escalate it to higher authorities.

if your son pushes back he will receive the same punishment as the original pusher. How will you explain that to your son? He was doing something you told him to do and he was punished for doing so.

He needs to tell them to stop and then immediately go to the person in charge to report what is being done.

 

[ancestry]

If I am understanding this correctly, this is happening at school. My question is why are you not up at the school having meetings with the principal and teachers?

If this was happening to my child during school hours I would be raising holy heck and would turn into the principal's worst nightmare until a stop was put to it.

 

[mjkacmom]

My ds7 has a junior blackbelt in Tae Kwon Do, and is most likely ADHD. You would never know it watching him in that class, which he LOVES. Martial arts are great for kids, especially those who might have any type of disability. I have the opposite problem with my ds, who tends to have temper issues, and will hit. However, the TKD has been helping him in this area, also.

 

[DreadpiratK]

I would politely disagree with some of the posters here. Maybe it's a guy thing, but I commend you for trying to teach you child to defend himself, it's all to rare these days. One of the negative consequences of the feminisation of our culture. The major reasons bullying is such a problem in schools these days is that kids have been taught for years to enable them by not fighting back. Like it or not, the teachers can't stop this kind of behavior, the best they can do is make the bullies be more sneaky about it. This leaves the bullies in control, and the good kids feeling helpless. It also teaches your kids that they must always look to authority figures to solve their problems for them, because they don't have the power to deal with it themselves.

Obviously there is a time to walk away and diffuse the situation, but there is also a time to stand your ground and give the other guy a good punch in the nose if it's necessary to defend yourself or others. Sometimes it's the only way to stop further violence. Liberal teaching to the contrary, violence does not beget more violence, weakness does.

I've tried to teach my kids to turn the other cheek and walk away, BUT when that doesn't work, or if you feel yourself or you siblings are threatened, they have the right, and sometimes the obligation to defend themselves. I'd rather pick them up at the police station then the hospital, or the morgue.

Feel free to disagree, just please be polite about it, I know this is very UN-PC
and some feel that can not be tolerated.

 

[bookgirl]

My nephews are very opposite.

Twin A is nonconfrontational. Will walk away.

Twin B does not take crap from anyone and will confront anyone who bugs him or his brother. No matter who it is. Has never started a fight (actually had never started an actual fight) but has never let anyone bully him. He learned that just standing up to someone is enough.

They were in afterschool where a boy two years older was bullying Twin A (twin A is a sports phenom and the older boy couldn't beat him on the field so began to harass him. Older boy is known to have some behavior problems) Had a couple of incidents that actually hurt him.

Twin A took it again and again. Told teachers, told his parents. School is one of those that believes in nuturing the individual and continued to 'talk' to the boys. My brother warned the school that if they could not protect a 9 year old from a 11 year old bully they could talk to his lawyer because they were tired of it.

Twin B who was witnessing this and telling the boy to back off finally asked his dad "can I just kick his ***?"

My brother replied "first don't say ***, second no you can not kick his anything. But if no one will do anything you have my permission to protect yourself and your brother"

Boy began to harass twin A, boy put his hands on twin A, twin B had been looking out when bully was around where his brother was and stepped in and bloodied bully's nose.

You guessed it Twin B was sent to office. Bully's mom upset, even though this kid was two years older, about 20 pounds heavier and taller than twin B. My brother took twins b side. School did not punish twin B because they knew my brother would fight them on it because of the bully's history. But they didn't punish the bully either. Brother pulled the twins out of afterschool. They are going to a new school next year. (they stayed one more year to see if it changed but it didn't)

Moral of the story. Never start a fight, but sometimes you just have to protect yourself when no one else will and take the consequences of your actions.


Words didn't work, grown ups cannot be everywhere on any school ground,until there was physical danger twin b stayed out of it. Twin B knew he would be sent to office, but also knew that he was protecting his brother and his dad would have his back.

I say act out situation with your son. Teach him to stand up for himself with words. Teach him to go to an adult if he can get away. Teach he and his sister to look out for each other (if she is able to) and for her to get help. But don't NOT teach him to protect himself because it makes him "wrong". It's not wrong to protect yourself.

 

[kandb]

OP here, thanks for all the replies. I did not want to come accross as a mom who wants her children to hit because I don't. However, since talking to these kids have not worked. I feel that if they constantly push and harrass my son I have to teach him how to defend himself. A month of so back, 4 boys from his gym class got in trouble because one of the boys gave him a wedgie while the other 3 egged him on. All 4 boys had to sit out on the stage for one period of gym and the culprit had to write a letter of apology. One of the boys said to my son while he was sitting out "I'm going to kill you" because he said my son laughed when he went by (which I even question my son doing). That boy got in trouble and his parents were called etc. I have been in contact with the school for every one of these incidences. I have spoken to the school's social worker, teachers etc. they have called and notified me of the incidences. We also discuss it with my son. If it does continue, I will ask to meet with the principal because I will not put up with abuse on my child. My son still says 2 of the boys involved in the wedgie incident (including the one who said "I will kill you"), push him during recess. Everyone always says boys are very physical, so I am not sure if they are just putting their hands on him or really pushing/hitting him. I am going to go to the school recess area and watch myself next week to see what is going on. I feel discouraged that this is going on in only first grade and these kids seem so aggressive/mean. The school is an excellent school and we pay 12K a year in taxes. Thanks, Linda

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would politely disagree with some of the posters here. Maybe it's a guy thing, but I commend you for trying to teach you child to defend himself, it's all to rare these days. One of the negative consequences of the feminisation of our culture. The major reasons bullying is such a problem in schools these days is that kids have been taught for years to enable them by not fighting back. Like it or not, the teachers can't stop this kind of behavior, the best they can do is make the bullies be more sneaky about it. This leaves the bullies in control, and the good kids feeling helpless. It also teaches your kids that they must always look to authority figures to solve their problems for them, because they don't have the power to deal with it themselves.

Obviously there is a time to walk away and diffuse the situation, but there is also a time to stand your ground and give the other guy a good punch in the nose if it's necessary to defend yourself or others. Sometimes it's the only way to stop further violence. Liberal teaching to the contrary, violence does not beget more violence, weakness does.

I've tried to teach my kids to turn the other cheek and walk away, BUT when that doesn't work, or if you feel yourself or you siblings are threatened, they have the right, and sometimes the obligation to defend themselves. I'd rather pick them up at the police station then the hospital, or the morgue.

Feel free to disagree, just please be polite about it, I know this is very UN-PC
and some feel that can not be tolerated.

I am a Mom and I completely agree with you. Everyone is so afraid to stand up to bullies now that they get away with even more. I am a fan of the 3 strike rule. 1st time- tell the bully to cut it out. 2nd time- tell an adult. 3rd time- punch the kid back etc.
Also- OP what is your dd doing while her brother is being bullied on the playground? If one of my kids sat and did nothing while their sibling was being bullied that kid would be getting in trouble. In our house we stick up for each other so that would not fly.

ETA- What are the teachers doing that they don't notice?

 

[DisneyNutMic]

OK my situation is a tad different for a couple of reasons. My son is 2 1/2 years younger than his bully who also happens to be his step brother. My son is larger (taller and heavier) than step brother. My son tells his Dad, nothing happens. He tells his stepmom and MY SON gets punished for lying. I have told him to not take this anymore and to protect himself. Our situation has been so bad at one point that DSS took my son out of the house and made step brother have counselling. I see that didn't help though because here we are 3 years later and the same stuff is happening again. There does come a point where you have to tell them to defend themselves. We are currently at that point. I wish you all the luck in the world. I know how worried I get when my son has to be exposed. That's a very helpless feeling.

Oh and I second the karate suggestion. That's what we did when this mess started the first time. My son loved it.

 

[thebeesknees]

OP, hope you are able to get some help from the school on this. It can be a tough situation. DS was getting bullied in kindergarten whenever the class went to the playground. After he got home one day and showed me the bruises on his back where the other kids had pushed him to the ground and kicked him while he was down, my DH said that was the last straw. He went in early the next morning, showed the teacher DS's bruises and told her that we would not be tolerating the behavior of the other students any more. He informed her that he had given DS permission to fight back the next time it happened. He also told her that we had asked DS to stay near the teacher during playground time so that she would be able to spot the bullying easier (the other incidents had occurred when DS was playing on the other side of the playground). Surprisingly, she did not give us any flak about it. That was also the end of the bullying incidents. The other boys decided they would rather do something else than stand around waiting for DS to move out of the teacher's line of sight.

 

[Leajess99]

I would politely disagree with some of the posters here. Maybe it's a guy thing, but I commend you for trying to teach you child to defend himself, it's all to rare these days. One of the negative consequences of the feminisation of our culture. The major reasons bullying is such a problem in schools these days is that kids have been taught for years to enable them by not fighting back. Like it or not, the teachers can't stop this kind of behavior, the best they can do is make the bullies be more sneaky about it. This leaves the bullies in control, and the good kids feeling helpless. It also teaches your kids that they must always look to authority figures to solve their problems for them, because they don't have the power to deal with it themselves.

Obviously there is a time to walk away and diffuse the situation, but there is also a time to stand your ground and give the other guy a good punch in the nose if it's necessary to defend yourself or others. Sometimes it's the only way to stop further violence. Liberal teaching to the contrary, violence does not beget more violence, weakness does.

I've tried to teach my kids to turn the other cheek and walk away, BUT when that doesn't work, or if you feel yourself or you siblings are threatened, they have the right, and sometimes the obligation to defend themselves. I'd rather pick them up at the police station then the hospital, or the morgue.

Feel free to disagree, just please be polite about it, I know this is very UN-PC
and some feel that can not be tolerated.

But teaching your children to fight back can lead them to being in the hospital or the morgue. I am not being "feministic" about this. I am being blatantly honest. You NEVER know who is carrying what and guns, knives, etc are not just an inner city problem anymore. Maybe my issue is the fact that I am constantly taught by Law enforcement officers and I have to do so much research.

 

[EveDallas]

I would politely disagree with some of the posters here. Maybe it's a guy thing, but I commend you for trying to teach you child to defend himself, it's all to rare these days. One of the negative consequences of the feminisation of our culture. The major reasons bullying is such a problem in schools these days is that kids have been taught for years to enable them by not fighting back. Like it or not, the teachers can't stop this kind of behavior, the best they can do is make the bullies be more sneaky about it. This leaves the bullies in control, and the good kids feeling helpless. It also teaches your kids that they must always look to authority figures to solve their problems for them, because they don't have the power to deal with it themselves.

Obviously there is a time to walk away and diffuse the situation, but there is also a time to stand your ground and give the other guy a good punch in the nose if it's necessary to defend yourself or others. Sometimes it's the only way to stop further violence. Liberal teaching to the contrary, violence does not beget more violence, weakness does.

I've tried to teach my kids to turn the other cheek and walk away, BUT when that doesn't work, or if you feel yourself or you siblings are threatened, they have the right, and sometimes the obligation to defend themselves. I'd rather pick them up at the police station then the hospital, or the morgue.

Feel free to disagree, just please be polite about it, I know this is very UN-PC
and some feel that can not be tolerated.

ITA

 

[tartemis]

I would politely disagree with some of the posters here. Maybe it's a guy thing, but I commend you for trying to teach you child to defend himself, it's all to rare these days. One of the negative consequences of the feminisation of our culture. The major reasons bullying is such a problem in schools these days is that kids have been taught for years to enable them by not fighting back. Like it or not, the teachers can't stop this kind of behavior, the best they can do is make the bullies be more sneaky about it. This leaves the bullies in control, and the good kids feeling helpless. It also teaches your kids that they must always look to authority figures to solve their problems for them, because they don't have the power to deal with it themselves.

Obviously there is a time to walk away and diffuse the situation, but there is also a time to stand your ground and give the other guy a good punch in the nose if it's necessary to defend yourself or others. Sometimes it's the only way to stop further violence. Liberal teaching to the contrary, violence does not beget more violence, weakness does.

I've tried to teach my kids to turn the other cheek and walk away, BUT when that doesn't work, or if you feel yourself or you siblings are threatened, they have the right, and sometimes the obligation to defend themselves. I'd rather pick them up at the police station then the hospital, or the morgue.

Feel free to disagree, just please be polite about it, I know this is very UN-PC
and some feel that can not be tolerated.

I agree with this as well -- and I'm a mom to two girls. Our girls are still very young (the youngest is a baby so this doesn't apply), but we taught our eldest who is only 2 to stand up for herself. If a child pushes her to take a toy, she is allowed to push back. BUT, she knows that if she ever is the instigator that she will be punished. And guess what, she is extremely confident and outgoing and kids seem to gravitate towards her.