OT: Forming attachments with older kids

[sl_underwood]

There has been some talk about attachment parenting on this board recently and I was wondering if anyone had any experience with helping an older adopted child attach? So far the only helpful resources I have found our those on international adoption. I have a 3 yo son who has never lived with the same person for more than 6 months and never lived in a healthy safe home. He suffered extreme abuse and neglect before he came to us. Many of the things I have read about I cant do with him because he is not legally mine yet. They even reprimanded me for rocking him for several hours a day and were horible to my husband for holding him skin to skin. We considered cosleeping and not telling them but I am scared to do anything that will get him taken from me. We love this child and intend to adopt him but it will take several more months, possibly a year or so before he is legally ours. In the meantime, any ideas, books or resources that we can use to help him form an attachment?
Thanks

 

[Dazzle]

Everything your social services is saying really goes against the knowledge of attachment, how frustrating! I would not delay the months until he is fully adopted.

I would recommend the books:

I Love You Rituals by Becky Bailey (see amazon.com) has rhymes and games that send the message of unconditional love and enhance a child's social and emotional success.

The Out of Sync Child Has Fun by Carol Stock Kranowitz (while your son may not have sensory integration dysfunction which this book centers on, and many adopted children have, it does have many games and activities that emphasize physical contact with the parent in a fun, loving way.

Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes (especially if there are discipline difficulties, attempts at control, resistance to attachment)

I would also suggest regular swimming time as it allows body to body contact in a way that presumably the social services will allow. Since many young children have some natural nervousness it will help the child build his trust in you, and you can hug him tight, and he will come to reciprocate (and learn to swim in the process, and get important sensory input to his neurological system).

After his bath, take body lotion and give him a massage in a soothing, parental manner (again a natural activity between parent and child).

I would be hesitant to give up the rocking as he clearly is accepting it, perhaps just cuddle in bed with him and read books at bedtime, as he falls asleep (get bed time without the co-sleeping if it is not allowed).

Sit him on your knee and have him face you in playing hand games/tickle games, rather than holding him outward to see things rather than you.

Give him a sippy cup with something sweet as you hold him close (milk with a bit of honey), sweet = is nice = Mommy.

Train him to a scent associated with you, often vanilla is good, wear the fragrance and then place a cloth with him at bedtime.

Mom and Dad be the only one to to feed, cloth and bathe him.

Hope these ideas help you. All the best.

Dazzle

 

[poohfriend]

Everything your social services is saying really goes against the knowledge of attachment, how frustrating! I would not delay the months until he is fully adopted.

I would recommend the books:

I Love You Rituals by Becky Bailey (see amazon.com) has rhymes and games that send the message of unconditional love and enhance a child's social and emotional success.

The Out of Sync Child Has Fun by Carol Stock Kranowitz (while your son may not have sensory integration dysfunction which this book centers on, and many adopted children have, it does have many games and activities that emphasize physical contact with the parent in a fun, loving way.

Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes (especially if there are discipline difficulties, attempts at control, resistance to attachment)

I would also suggest regular swimming time as it allows body to body contact in a way that presumably the social services will allow. Since many young children have some natural nervousness it will help the child build his trust in you, and you can hug him tight, and he will come to reciprocate (and learn to swim in the process, and get important sensory input to his neurological system).

After his bath, take body lotion and give him a massage in a soothing, parental manner (again a natural activity between parent and child).

I would be hesitant to give up the rocking as he clearly is accepting it, perhaps just cuddle in bed with him and read books at bedtime, as he falls asleep (get bed time without the co-sleeping if it is not allowed).

Sit him on your knee and have him face you in playing hand games/tickle games, rather than holding him outward to see things rather than you.

Give him a sippy cup with something sweet as you hold him close (milk with a bit of honey), sweet = is nice = Mommy.

Train him to a scent associated with you, often vanilla is good, wear the fragrance and then place a cloth with him at bedtime.

Mom and Dad be the only one to to feed, cloth and bathe him.

Hope these ideas help you. All the best.

Dazzle

for your first post on the DIS. Welcome!

AND to the OP, thank you for taking this child into your home. I am certain that consistency with caring for your child will make break down any barriers between you.

My three year old loves for me to lay down in bed with him at night...but I slip away after he falls asleep. I've been trying to break him of this habit, so thanks for reminding me there are positive aspects to attachment!

My three year old is also very busy and needs tons of exercise. He loves for me to join in with the sand, cars, trains, tools or other toys he's interested in. Often he falls or bumps something and that's one of the few times during the day that I get to hold and cuddle. THe answer above about swimming is a good one...if he's not too scared of the water that's a great way to build trust.

Any time you spend with your son will yeild the types of things you are looking for. praying your son feels content and safe with your family -- today and always.

 

[chrismom2005]

my ds was three when i started dating my now dh my son is now 6 and he thinks of my dh as his dad. his bio father is not involved he doesnt even remember a time when dh wasnt there. now he didnt have to get past the abuse that your son has to so i dont know about that. but just by doing the things that a parents suppose to do will attach him to you. my dh never did anything special just did the things a dad would do with his son.

 

[kileybeth]

wow dizzy what a gracious reply. I loved the swimming idea.

and for the OP (original poster) blessings to you and your new little one.

 

[Tink561]

Another good books is Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray.

I agree that what they're telling you goes against developing attachment. What is the reason for them not wanting you to rock your ds?

Don't underestimate the power of food in attachment. Whether it be cheerios or Goldfish crackers, etc. You can make little games out of feeding each other.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

There has been some talk about attachment parenting on this board recently and I was wondering if anyone had any experience with helping an older adopted child attach? So far the only helpful resources I have found our those on international adoption. I have a 3 yo son who has never lived with the same person for more than 6 months and never lived in a healthy safe home. He suffered extreme abuse and neglect before he came to us. Many of the things I have read about I cant do with him because he is not legally mine yet. They even reprimanded me for rocking him for several hours a day and were horible to my husband for holding him skin to skin. We considered cosleeping and not telling them but I am scared to do anything that will get him taken from me. We love this child and intend to adopt him but it will take several more months, possibly a year or so before he is legally ours. In the meantime, any ideas, books or resources that we can use to help him form an attachment?
Thanks

I would co-sleep and say nothing. This is coming from a former social worker, as well. The people who told you not to rock him are idiots, plain and simple. What harm can THAT do?

 

[barkley]

i would suggest unless you are working with a psychologist or other mental health professional who is entirely familiar with this child's background you proceed very carefully on issues of forming attachments through physical bonding. it could be that that social services is not being irrational or misguided in their instructions to you, but rather that they are aware of and are addressing physical abuse issues-issues that a professional may have determined needs for the child to form emotional attachment before physical. it is not unusual for horribly physicaly and sexualy abused children to crave any physical contact-even negative, because it's the only thing they've ever experienced. it's important for these children to learn to form relationships through emotions and non overly physical interactions.

what a healthy child may view as a loving and sharing experience in co-sleeping may for a sexualy abused child bring back a torrent of negative memories. same with skin to skin contact. and although this child is a bit young-with older kids, 'tickling games' are often the means by which their previous sexual abusers have initiated desensitizing them to inappropriate touch.

i think what you're trying to do re. bonding is wonderful-but tread carefully for your sake and the childs. as a former social work supervisor i would never advise you to do something physical that ss has advised against-i would suggest you question why and determine an alternatate means of achieving your goal (remember-until the child is legaly adopted by you, a judge or psych. looking at your 'natural parent child bonding' may not deem it appropriate behaviour between an adult and a unrelated child).

 

[sl_underwood]

I really appreciate all your responses and Dazzle congrats on joining the Dis, you will find lots of friends here! I am at my wits end with our social services here because they complain about everything we do with him. Her reason is that he is not ours yet and there are rules set in place. IWhen he came to me he was in a full body cast and I let him sleep in my room (in our state thats illegal once the child is 2) He slept in a chair because it was more comfortable for him and I held his hand through the night while he went through a series of nightmares. After 3 months, he still wakes up every night and comes to our bedroom and I take him back to his room and rock him until he is asleep again and then put him in his bed (legally there is no law against rocking him but the social worker said I was spoiling him, all I could think is this child has lived through hell and youre worried about him being spoiled) With our girls who were both older 5 and alomst 9 when we got them, we rocked both of them, cuddled together and watched movies, read books together, my husband taught them both to swim and it really helped my older girl bond, after she realized he wouldnt let her get hurt, she started to trust him and open up a bit (bonding with dad was really hard for her). We have a swimming pool and I will use it as soon as the weather is good, the lotion idea was great, I will use it as well! Thanks guys!

 

[meandtheguys2]

If he is not yours (I'm assuming he is a foster child), then you need to follow the state requirements. That is part of your contract, isn't it?

If i've misunderstood, and he is your legally adopted child, then I would work with a psychologist who has specific experience in this area. You can be playing with fire, when it comes to abuse victims.

 

[ajjhmf]

We adopted our son at age 4 from foster care. There are a few resources in addition to the book already mentioned. I would recommend trying www.radzebra.org as well as http://forums.adoption.com/special-needs-adoption/