OT ---Adoption Questions

[littleprissboutique]

Hi guys. I have a few questions for parents who have successfully adopted infant/toddlers.

We have tried to have another precious angel on our own, but it is not working. I have an appt with my OB. We got preggo with my dd the first month we tried, but this time around we are having no luck. I guess DD was our only natural that we were meant to have. Dr. seems to think my cervix in to open? I keep having chemical preggo's. SO, instead of going through all the pain of fertility, we are thinking of adoption. There are so many children out there that need a good home.

Here are my questions.

How long can we expect to wait? We are wanting a girl or boy. Infant or toddler, but infant would be better for me. I am wanting an american child. How much $$$ are we looking at? How hard is it to get a non drug baby? Do you know what the mothers life is when you adopt? Any other info would be great. We have an attorney, but do we need an adoption atty? Also, with the dateline special that was on, how do you protect yourself? I dont want to be handing over big bucks to someone and then they bail on me. I would go on a man hunt then! LOL Serious, I would get if someone tried to scam me even after a background check. How do you protect yourself


Thanks guys

 

[MayMom]

I have nothing to help you, but I do have a sweet little 6 year old boy in my classroom that is going on the national adoption registry. Both parents are in prison and have signed ALL rights away. He is living with a 72 year old foster mom who also has a 34 year old handicapped, wheelchair-bound, daughter. (Isn't that sad for a little boy to see every day?) He needs a family so bad.....so if anyone knows anyone.....he is a precious little boy. Please say a prayer for him, his name is Wally.

 

[popisme]

I wish I could help you out with the specifics of domestic adoptions but my daughter is from an international adoption......


I do however want to address some of the comments/questions in your post.....

Please do not take offense but some of your terminology is inappropriate.

instead of saying that you would like an american child it is a domestic adoption

Instead of talking about the childs mother it would be birthmother.

I am sorry but being an adoptive mother I have taken on trying to educate others on appropriate terms because I realize it is just a matter of not knowing.

As far as some of your other questions I will try and answer as many as I can because I did TONS of reasearch before my daughters adoption.

Wait times can be very long for a domestic adoption it is based on finding a birthmom that wishes to make an adoption plan with you in the case of a new born placement. If you wish to do a state placement the chances of a baby placement are very slim.

That can be done either thru an agency, the state, or thru an adoption attorney.


Depending on the arrangement with the birthmom you might have extensive information if you have an open adoption to hardly any information in a closed adoption.

The costs can very greatly depending on the situation but you need to also think about costs involved with a home study and attorney/agency fees..... Thru the state there are mostly no fees.



You have to be careful what you see in the media regarding adoption... There are far more successfull happy placements then situations where something has gone wrong but unfortunately the media thrives on the dirty ugly cases.........



My daughters adoption was the most amazing wonderful experience of my life....I can not even begin to imagine what my life was like before she completed it......


Let me know if you have any more questions.

 

[Abbracio]

Littleprissboutique, I wish you all the best on your decision to adopt!

Popisme - you read my mind!!! I agree with all of your statements!! We adopted our daughter from China. She's been home now for five months and is such a joy! I can't imagine my life without her. I see you are from ST. Louis. We are "neighbors". We live in Kansas City/Liberty. This will be our first trip to Disney!! We leave in 29 days!!

Take care
kathryn

 

[pigletforever]

I am an adoptive mom and an adoption advocate. We adopted our son 4 years ago domestically thru an adoption attorney. Even if you have a baby exposed to drugs - depending on the drugs there are no long term effects.(our son was born with cocaine in his system and is off the charts in terms of development.) I reccommend an adoption attorney preferably a AAAA attorney. Tehy tend to know the laws from state to state and tend to have more connections. I have sent you a PM with answers to othe questions you had.

Abbracio - we are neighbors as well. We live in Lawrence and leave in 31 days.

Cathy

 

[katymae]

Alot of the details depend on which state you live in. Each state has their own adoption laws. We used an agency, waited 6 months, and brought our dd home from the hospital when she was three days old. Some agencies have a flat fee, and some use a sliding scale depending on your income. Best wishes as you make this decision! (oh, btw, one more term...biological is better than natural... )

 

[HappyLawyer]

There is no real answer to your question, the adoption laws and requirements have changed so much over the years, timeframe could be months to years it is best not to have any expectations. You need an attorney who specializes in adoption or a type of child and family lawyer (too bad you are not in IL) anyway, as far as agencies, in IL there is a good one called the cradle, i am not sure if they are nationwide but it would be worth checking into. Good luck, i could not love my daughter anymore if i had her myself

 

[MegsMa]

Just another adoptive mom here wishing you all the best. Our daughter is another international adoptee who came into our family from her birth country of Korea some twenty three years ago. I'm sure much has changed, but I am very greatful that we were fortunate enough to find the Pearl S. Buck Foundation (at that time called"Welcome House"). They are active with both domestic and international adoptions and have an excellent reputation. IMHO it is very important to have the resources behind you that a good agency can provide. They need to be cognizant of what is best for both potential parents and the children involved in these life changing decisions. Anyway, good luck in your efforts to add to your family. And to my dear daughter - "never forget for a single minute, you did not grow under my heart, but in it".

 

[Shoshana]

I adopted a little girl from Guatemala 2 years and 9 months ago. My daughter will be 3 years old on Sunday!

You ask if you need an adoption attorney... Probably, but not at this point. The first step is to find a reputable adoption agency. It's a much more difficult task than looking in the phone book. Even if you find an agency that seems to be a good fit for your needs, it's important to realize that an agency with a positive domestic open adoption adoption experience is not necessarily good other types of adoption (e.g., closed domestic); an agency with good Guatemalan experience might have a poor reputation with Russian adoptions. A good place to start to educate yourself about adoption in general is another message board http://forums.adoption.com/ They have discussions for all members of the adoption triad. They also have articles and links to articles concerning the process itself.

I'm also an adoptee and I found my first mother years ago when I was 20 years old!

In response to the terminology comments above... A woman who is considering an adoption plan for her child is not a birthmother. She is simply an expectant mother until she actually relinquishes the child. Obviously, relinquishing a child for adoption is an incredibly difficult complex and difficult decision. Many people say that while women or girls may be comfortable with an adoption plan prior to the birth of their child, it is a decision that needs to be remade, after the birth.

When I was growing up, the terms that were the most common were either natural mother or biological mother.
In the 70's/80's, there was a shift within the adoption community to birth mother. The phrase is now falling out of favor with many mothers who have relinquished children for adoption, and yes, there are adoptive parents and adoptees who are also uncomfortable with the term. It is certainly not disrespectful to use the term birth mother, but I wanted to point out that some people do prefer first mother, or biological mother, or natural mother, or yes, even just a mother who is not parenting her child.

Best wishes to you and your family as you begin to navigate the adoption world!

 

[popisme]

Shoshana--- While I certainly respect your opinion I would have to personally disagree with some of your "terminology". I personally disagree with the comment that saying that natural mother, mother and 1st mom are appropriate terms to discribe the woman that so lovingly made the decesion to not parent her child..... IMHO saying natural mother implys that my "mothering" of my daughter is unnatural and I am my daughters mother....... as far as 1st mom I guess I just don't like it because it implies that I am 2nd mom which is "second rate".

I am also stating this opinion based on speaking of a biological mom in a personal sense not in general terms. While a women that chooses an adoption plan for her child is indeed a mother that choose not to parent her child in terms of that child she is that childs birthmom or biological mother...IMHO that is a more positive way to address the situation.


But again those are my opinions and you know what they say about opinions....


ANYWAY......Back to Topic

 

[minkydog]

I have nothing to help you, but I do have a sweet little 6 year old boy in my classroom that is going on the national adoption registry. Both parents are in prison and have signed ALL rights away. He is living with a 72 year old foster mom who also has a 34 year old handicapped, wheelchair-bound, daughter. (Isn't that sad for a little boy to see every day?) He needs a family so bad.....so if anyone knows anyone.....he is a precious little boy. Please say a prayer for him, his name is Wally.

This may be off-topic, but what exactly is sad for a little boy to see every day? I hope you are referring to the whole situation and not the "34yo handicapped wheel-chair bound daughter." It is sad that this boy's parents are in prison and he can't live at home with them. But there is nothing awful about living with a disabled person of any age, whether or not they use a whieelchair. Where do you think all these disabled children go when they grow up? a lot of them live at home.

 

[kmccain]

I have nothing to help you, but I do have a sweet little 6 year old boy in my classroom that is going on the national adoption registry. Both parents are in prison and have signed ALL rights away. He is living with a 72 year old foster mom who also has a 34 year old handicapped, wheelchair-bound, daughter. (Isn't that sad for a little boy to see every day?) He needs a family so bad.....so if anyone knows anyone.....he is a precious little boy. Please say a prayer for him, his name is Wally.

I am praying for him!

 

[Shoshana]

Personally, I do not find the term birth mother at all offensive. It does, however, seem a little odd for me, an adult woman to refer to my first mother as a birth mother, heck, she doesn't even remember giving birth to me. I was merely sharing the history of terminology choices from the 50's/60's when natural & biological were prominent, to the change to birth mother, to the present day. I don't necessarily like the term natural mother. However, if a woman chooses that phrase, it has no magical power to turn me into an "unnatural" mother.

I just wanted to mention to the original poster that there is no one "perfect" phrase to describe a woman who relinquishes a child for adoption. Many women who have relinquishes are fighting for their "right" to name themselves as they wish -- and some of those names are the historical ones, and some still prefer birth mother.

I guess I don't think it's my place to tell my daughter's first mother what she could call herself. In my opinion, it's merely a sign of respect. Her "label" doesn't detract in any way from the fact that I my daughter's "mama" in every day life. Heck, in every day life, no one thinks of me or refers to me as an "adoptive" mom. I'm just a mom, who has lived with adoption issues for her entire life, and worked on professional basis with both the general public and in training adoption and therapeutic professionals.

So while these phrases are personal and many different people have many different opinions, I did want to share some of the current issues and discussions in the greater adoption community -- not just my singular "opinion."

When the OP begins exploring adoption, and perhaps initially in the online community, at least she won't be complete unaware of some of these issues. I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone by my post.

 

[T-i-double-g-err]

We are another international adoption family. We adopted our son from Guatemala and brought him home just over two years ago. We did run into difficulties during the adoption, not with our agency but with the individual running the orphanage in Guatemala. We ended up hiring a Guatemalan adoption specialist - who happens to be an US adoption attorney in Missouri. I am PM'ing you with his contact information and his agency's web site. I'm not sure he can help you, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

Here's a family picture from our trip to WDW last January. Click on the thumbnail for larger version.

​

 

[KristinU]

We're an adoptive family too - international for us, our DS's birth country is South Korea and he's been home with us a little over two years...of course it feels like he's been with us forever, but also that it was just yesterday

OP, a good starting resource is the Adoptive Families Adoption Guide - you can check it out online: www.adoptivefamilies.com Another great launching point is www.adopting.com

Best of luck!

 

[MayMom]

This may be off-topic, but what exactly is sad for a little boy to see every day? I hope you are referring to the whole situation and not the "34yo handicapped wheel-chair bound daughter." It is sad that this boy's parents are in prison and he can't live at home with them. But there is nothing awful about living with a disabled person of any age, whether or not they use a whieelchair. Where do you think all these disabled children go when they grow up? a lot of them live at home.

I am a special education teacher - I deal with disabled students all day, everyday. I was in NO way referring to him living with a special needs person. I re-read my post and I don't know why I wrote for him to "see everyday" sometimes I am writing so fast I am not paying attention ...I just find it sad for a 6 year old abused and neglected child to have to live in an enviroment that is not condusive for little children. (His foster mom is 72 years old) He never has been to the zoo, a county fair, a baseball game or a circus. On the other hand, his foster mom, does what she can for him - he is always clean, well-fed and all his needs are met. She works very hard for him and I respect and admire her so much for doing what she does! This is an improvement from the environment that he came from. I wish you could meet this little boy. He is the sweetest little guy and he deserves a family of his own. He could use our prayers....my post was just a (very off-topic) plea for people to pray for a nice family. Now - sorry to hijack - back to the discussion.....

 

[minkydog]

I am a special education teacher - I deal with disabled students all day, everyday. I was in NO way referring to him living with a special needs person. I re-read my post and I don't know why I wrote for him to "see everyday" sometimes I am writing so fast I am not paying attention ...I just find it sad for a 6 year old abused and neglected child to have to live in an enviroment that is not condusive for little children. (His foster mom is 72 years old) He never has been to the zoo, a county fair, a baseball game or a circus. On the other hand, his foster mom, does what she can for him - he is always clean, well-fed and all his needs are met. She works very hard for him and I respect and admire her so much for doing what she does! This is an improvement from the environment that he came from. I wish you could meet this little boy. He is the sweetest little guy and he deserves a family of his own. He could use our prayers....my post was just a (very off-topic) plea for people to pray for a nice family. Now - sorry to hijack - back to the discussion.....

Thanks for clearing that up. i hoped that's what you really meant and I agree. I hope he can find a forever family who can give him all the experiences a child should have.

 

[mom2my3kids]

I wish you the best of luck adopting. There are so many children in the our country that need good homes..It makes me so sad that so many people can just get pregnant that shouldn't and some that should can't I pray you find the right child for your home.

 

[popisme]

Shoshana----- I am sorry if I came across as being offended by your comment as that was not the case at all ...... I have just been in several situations lately in which people have used terms that I really had a problem with like real mom and the like.....and I think that has colored my perception at the moment

I totally agree with you that whatever someone wishes to use to discribe themselves is peachy with me because their terms are based on their experiences.....


I just think that birthmom or biological mom is the "safest" way to go when approaching a situation you are not intimately involved with......


But anyway I feel like I am hijacking this thread so I am gonne be quiet now...

 

[crisi]

My turn, you are going to get a huge adoption education here.

My son is eight, adopted from Korea.

You are looking for a healthy domestic baby and say "there are so many babies that need homes" - really, not true for the baby you seem to be looking for. You need to change your mindset from "I'm doing some poor baby a favor" to "I really want to parent another child and this will be the means to do so." You don't want to see your own child as a child you 'saved.' - It doesn't tend to work well. Its also, frankly, sort of offensive.

Most domestic adoptions are now open. You will search for a birthmother (that's the normal term). The birthmother will have final say if you are the parents for her. Because of this, the timeline will be wildly variable. It will probably take a few months to finish your homestudy. If you work with an agency that works with birthparents, they will likely put you in a book that the birthparents (usually mother, sometimes father) flip through. They may pick several potential parents to interview. You could get picked the week you go in the book, or you could wait years. You could also start a private search - that involves advertising, telling friends, hiring a search agency. Private searches can be nearly free (I have a nephew who was adopted when someone at church approached my SIL with "I hear you are looking, my daughter is expecting") or can involve tens of thousands of dollars in advertising. My nephews adoption (he must be 16 by now) was only a few thousand dollars for homestudy and legal fees. My neighbor did a domestic adoption that was $60,000 and involved a four year wait and three disruptions (birthmother's who changed their mind).

The pickier you are, the fewer potential parents will see your profile and the fewer chances you'll have to make a match. So if you are willing to take a non-white child with pre-natal alcohol exposure your likely get a match faster than if you are only willing to look at healthy white babies whose have college attending birthparents. However, sometimes fate happens - I know someone who was in the program to adopt from China when the agency (that does domestic as well) gave her a call "we have a birthmother searching for Jewish parents, and you are the only Jewish parents we have at the moment - are you interested?"

International adoption tends to have (but not always) easier to understand timeframes - since babies are placed in the old fashioned way - your completed homestudy goes into queue, when you reach the top, you get a baby. They also have more controllable costs - although that can vary by country you choose - some countries programs are rife with bribery.