OT – Moms and their 2nd kids

[Vility]

i couldn't imagine having only one!
My two go everywhere together.
It's monkey see monkey do and they keep each other busy.

 

[TheDizMom]

I really don't think it's a question of whether or not you'll love your second child as much as your first. To me it's a given that you will, how could you not? That child will be a part of you just like your DD is now, and you'll have more then enough love to give to them both.

It seems to me that your real dilemma is do you WANT another child and this is just a convenient reason for questioning it. I don't mean any offense by that, and I think it's pretty normal to wonder. You may very well be one of those parents who only wants and needs to have one child, and if that is the way you are, then more power to you. I think you need to do some real soul searching to decide what the real issue is. If you decide you do want another, then trust me, the love will be there. Our hearts don't have a love limitation on them, they just keep finding room for more . There can never be too little love in our lives, ever. I also think your DD is still young and you may simply need more time to enjoy just her before you're ready for another. Mine are 4 1/2 years apart. If, however; you decide that your life is great the way it is because you'll be able to do the things you want to do with and in your life better with only one child, then that's your answer.

I lost my first child and have since had 2 more beautiful children I adore and wouldn't trade for all the tea in China or trips to Disney. I truly understand what a gift they are. I also have my days when the 2 of them together is driving me crazy, but even though I may not be thrilled with their behavior every day, I love them both equally. I couldn't imagine my life without either one of them. Whatever you decide is right for you, I know the one thing you won't have to worry about is whether you can love 2 as much as one.

 

[DISNEYNV]

My husband was the one who was unsure. And now, he can't believe he ever felt that way. Our oldest was 2.5 when the baby was born. He was a late talker and wasn't talking at that point...but when he came to see us at the hospital, he ran straight to the baby and started saying "baby! baby!".

They are the very best of friends. They can't stand to be apart and want to do everything together. Its so sweet. We are talking about #3 now and neither one of us doubts how we will feel when he/she gets here.

You are very lucky!!! We waited till our first was three before deciding on having another. When DS finally made his debut almost two years ago already DD was not a happy camper and still isn't! I was hoping for this awesome sibling relationship and it's just non existent. DS loves DD but she just pushes him, takes his toys, pushes in front of him when we take pictures and crosses him out of drawings, and always asks why I had to have another baby. She was so spoiled being the only for quite some time. I would have loved to have another sooner, but DH wasn't sure about another. I think it totally depends on the personality of your first as to how they will act around #2, but you will love him/ her as much as the first trust me. I actually was more relaxed the second time around. Don't worry, it's normal to have the feelings that you are having about number 2.

 

[princessmom29]

I have seen a lot of people post her that they hated being an only child. I guess I just have a different perspective. I was an only for 7 years and when my sister came along it was never the same. I was a difficult baby, but I was the kid that you could just give "the look" and I was instantly contrite for whatever I had done. I hated having mom and dad mad at me and very rearely challenged athority. Enter little sister who for lack of a better word was a holy terror that mom and dad frankly didn't know how to deal with. She screamed and they gave her whatever she wanted to shut her up. Anything that happened was my fault b/c I was the oldest and should have stopped her. Almost all of the friction in my relationship ith my parents is due to something that she has done or said that i refuse to let her get away with. This has continued even now that we are both married adults. I am still expected to keep my little sister from doing something stupid. My parents are good parents and i fully believe that they did the best they could. I share this not to say look at me being the good child, but to point out that it is not always sunshine and roses whe #2 comes along, and that the relationship between siblings does not always work itself out. I love my sister, but I cannot have a real relationship with her b/c she is so spoiled and selfish. I think that this is part of the reason I am so reluctant to have a second child.

 

[Marshay]

This is a poem that someone gave me- I have no idea who wrote it, but I sobbed and sobbed when I read it and I actually put it in his baby book. It made me feel so much better!



As I hold your 2-year-old hand,
basking in the glow of our magical relationship,
I suddenly feel a kick from within,
as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder:
How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me,
as you've never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way,
"Please love only me."
And I hear myself telling you in mine,
"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing,
I find myself attached to that new being,
and feeling almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him.
-- as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity, then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new
routine.

The memory of days with just the two of us is fading
fast.
But something else is replacing
those wonderful times we shared, just we two.
There are new times -- only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow,
the way you look at each other,
touch each other.
I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you,
I've given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.

And my question is finally answered,
to my amazement..
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you--
only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time,
I now know you'll never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you
-- you each have your own supply.
I love you -- both
and I thank you both for blessing my life.

I just wanted to say thanks for posting this.

I have a nearly 4 yo girl and a 2 month old girl, so I very much can relate to this poem, esp the first paragraph and beginning of the 2nd.

Our first month was bad ... really bad... DD3 had a horrible time...MAJOR temper tantrums ... went back to peeing in her pants ... withdrew from us mentally and emotionally ... would hide from us. I knew it was just her way of saying, "what's going on? why aren't you spending time with me? why can't you play with me?" but it broke my heart (and still does).

I have definitely felt that baby #2 is/was the intruder who 'stole' the special time of just DD#1 and me.

I swear just when I get a moment to play with #1, then #2 starts crying and needs to be nursed. Finding time to be alone with #1 is difficult to do ... before it seemed we did it all the time.

However, we are working through all of this and when DD#2 smiles at DD#1 and vice versa, it is a wonderful moment. I'm looking forward to them playing together, seeing #2's personality develop and #2 being able to go more than 2-3 hrs before nursing!

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

When I was pregnant with my 2nd DS, I felt the same way as you. I wondered "How will I ever LOVE another child as much as I love this one?"

This is a poem that someone gave me- I have no idea who wrote it, but I sobbed and sobbed when I read it and I actually put it in his baby book. It made me feel so much better!



As I hold your 2-year-old hand,
basking in the glow of our magical relationship,
I suddenly feel a kick from within,
as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder:
How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me,
as you've never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way,
"Please love only me."
And I hear myself telling you in mine,
"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing,
I find myself attached to that new being,
and feeling almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him.
-- as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity, then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new
routine.

The memory of days with just the two of us is fading
fast.
But something else is replacing
those wonderful times we shared, just we two.
There are new times -- only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow,
the way you look at each other,
touch each other.
I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you,
I've given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.

And my question is finally answered,
to my amazement..
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you--
only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time,
I now know you'll never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you
-- you each have your own supply.
I love you -- both
and I thank you both for blessing my life.

Me too!

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

I just wanted to say thanks for posting this.

I have a nearly 4 yo girl and a 2 month old girl, so I very much can relate to this poem, esp the first paragraph and beginning of the 2nd.

Our first month was bad ... really bad... DD3 had a horrible time...MAJOR temper tantrums ... went back to peeing in her pants ... withdrew from us mentally and emotionally ... would hide from us. I knew it was just her way of saying, "what's going on? why aren't you spending time with me? why can't you play with me?" but it broke my heart (and still does).

I have definitely felt that baby #2 is/was the intruder who 'stole' the special time of just DD#1 and me.

I swear just when I get a moment to play with #1, then #2 starts crying and needs to be nursed. Finding time to be alone with #1 is difficult to do ... before it seemed we did it all the time.

However, we are working through all of this and when DD#2 smiles at DD#1 and vice versa, it is a wonderful moment. I'm looking forward to them playing together, seeing #2's personality develop and #2 being able to go more than 2-3 hrs before nursing!

When I had ds#2 I would curl up on the sofa to nurse him but also take this time to read a book to ds#1. This kinda gave both kids my attention that each one needed. Ds#1 would curl up with me and he was never resentful about nursing time for ds#2.
hth

 

[WantToGoNow]

I grew up an only child. I did feel lonely even though there was always someone there (my mom babysat all of my cousins so there were usually 8 kids there all day). I just didn't have a connection that the sibling groups had.

Then I had my dd25 as a single mom. I wasn't looking for someone to marry and the years went past. She was 13 when I met my dh and 15 when we married. She was an only child all of her life. She made friends easily but it just seemed there was something missing.

When dd was 16 I lost my first child with my dh. My dd felt almost as heart broken as we were. The next year, ds8 was born. He was the light of her world. Still to this day she adores him and he her. He was just over a year old when I got pregnant again. Dd was angry this time - she said I was cheating ds out of his babyhood. My dd was stillborn at 22 weeks gestation - this was January of 2003. My "baby" dd was born in December of 2003. Older dd and ds adored their baby sister. She was not an easy baby like ds - she spent hours and hours crying every day. By the time she was a month old, ds said we needed to "put her back because she doesn't like us". We finally got her tummy situated with some soy formula and then she turned into the rolly polly lovey little child.

They are 8 and 5 now and yes, they argue quite a bit - but that is just each of them making their way in a family that doesn't revolve around only them. But when it comes down to it, they will protect each other and if one is sick or hurt, the other is worried.

I saw the side of an only (and was one) and now the side of siblings. I feel that children need siblings. It develops a side of them that just doesn't happen if they are onlies.

Now having a family of 5 creates more problems than 4 - we always have to wait longer at restaurants, we need more than one hotel room, we even had to have a bigger car because we couldn't get 2 carseats and an adult in the backseat of a Dodge Neon. Would I give any of them up to make things more easy - not a chance.

 

[Miss LD]

I totally understand your dilemma.
I felt like that for quite a long time. DH and I decided that we would have another if we felt like we wanted one.
For quite awhile we were happy with one, and then at my son's 3rd birthday party I suddenly realized I wanted another one. It was such a strong powerful feeling and we knew we were ready.
My kids are 4 years apart. (so, DS 5, DD1)
I am thrilled we decided to have our sweet girl, but I'm glad we waited till we were ready.
The one thing I would say is try not to listen too much to what others say (LOL as we all give advice). I kept being told it's SOOOO much harder with 2 and that the transition to 2 kids is so hard. For us the transition from 0 to1 child was HUGE and difficult. Financially it was a strain not to mention emotionally. When we welcomed baby #2 we were prepared and I'm not sure easy is the right word, but I found myself enjoying the baby experience far more than I did the first time. I wasn't scared and I knew how quickly it went by.
Good luck with your decision.

 

[DVCJones]

I have 2 DDs that are 2 years apart. I had all the same concerns you did. My first DD was probably the easiest baby ever delivered. Everything went smoothly at her birth and she slept through the night at 4 weeks old. She also has a gentle and calm personality. She was/is always smiling. Even when she had some major health issues during the first year. We didn't know if we would lose her. I think that this experience made me bond with her even more. (if that is even possible)

DD#2 is the COMPLETE opposite of DD#1. To start she was born 5 weeks early via c-section after being on hospital bed rest for two weeks. It took her 1 year to sleep through the night. She is also very feisty, strong-willed, sweet and loves to snuggle.

That being said, I can say without a doubt, that I love DD#2 just as much as DD#1. They are different, but they are the greatest kids. They are the best of friends and truly enjoy being together. I can't imagine life without either of them and I am so happy they have each other.

They are 6 and 4 now and are very easy to take anywhere and do anything. When DD2 was a newborn there was a little adjustment to the "infant" stage and I couldn't help but compare the two, but I think that is part of a normal adjustment period.

Good luck with what ever you decide. I personally think "the more the merrier," but only you know what is best for you. I do think it is normal to be afraid of the "unknown." Do what you feel is right for your family.

 

[mjkacmom]

I always knew I wanted 3 kids (didn't count on the 2 happy accidents...), but even when I get pregnant with #2 when dd was not even 1 yet, I had my doubts. Not only did I love him as much as her, having him actually increased my love for her, because it opened up a whole other part of her, that of a sibling. Sibling interaction is fascinating. I remember the first time she stood up for her brother to a neighborhood child - I don't think I had ever been so proud! You also never realize how different children can be, how special each of them can be, until you have more. Having another child is like opening up another wonderful present, knowing it's going to be a joy, and unique.

 

[crisi]

By the way had to add this story that always sends a shiver down my spine. An old boyfriend of mine got married and had a son. They decided to try for another when he was about a year old.
They got pregnant again(au natural) and ended up having QUINTS!! So they had 6 kids under 2!! ALL BOYS!

I'm glad I dodged that bullet.

We have a family in the neighborhood with "just one more" triplets. So they went from two to five instead of two to three.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

We have a family in the neighborhood with "just one more" triplets. So they went from two to five instead of two to three.

Yep, similar thing happened to my good friend. They had one child and the DH really wanted a second. After years of pleading, she gave in (she's the breadwinner, he's a stay-at-home dad so she wasn't thrilled about working so hard while being pregnant).

She got pregnant with twins. No history of twins on either side of the family, no fertility drugs. Sooo, fast forward, three girls. She loves them all to death but if she had to go back, I don't know if she would have said yes again. Although I also don't think she can imagine her life without the twins, either.

 

[tinkmom2]

My second girl came as surprise and they are 6 years apart. I had a lot of time to devote to my first daughter and didn't realize I could love anyone more. When DD two came along she fit right in even though she is the polar opposite and the wild child. The problem I have is my oldest is very jealous of her younger sister. They fight like they are closer in age. I try to treat them equally but sometimes the younger one requires more attention. So my oldest and I do things just the two of us so I let each of them know how important they are. I love them both equally

 

[lawone]

I was worried about having enough love..... but I realized that LOVE is multiplied when you have more children... not divided between them.

 

[mom2princessj]

I felt the exact way as you but unfortunately I didn't have the time to contemplate...I found myself pregnant just 6 short months after I had dd. I was so angry. I felt I was cheating her, and I also felt like there was no way I'd love another as much as I had loved her. After 2 very difficult miscarriages, dd was our little miracle and the love of our lives. I seriously had no idea how I was going to deal with another child. I never bonded with my son until maybe 2 months after he was born. I just wasn't ready for another. But once it hit me and I fell in love with him that was it. Now...I can't imagine how our family would have been complete without him. the most amazing thing to me is that my dd and ds are best friends. They love each other so much...the hugs, kisses, i love yous...those are the sweetest moments and ones I will truly treasure forever. I think every mother goes through this when deciding to have another. The love you feel for a child cannot be measured but it can be multiplied. Do I love the differently? Sure I do...they are different children with different personalities and different traits. But I love them equally with all of my heart. I know for my dh its daddy's little girl...she's got him wrapped around her little finger. And for me its mommy's boy...he's a cuddler and lover but also my more difficult child. We love them both and have different bonds with both of them...I cannot imagine one without the other. Having one is amazing having more than one is just that much more fulfilling...there is nothing like seeing your children interacting together. Good luck whatever you decide!

 

[BellyBaby]

Baby #2 completes me. And not to sound cynical, but spouses can come and go (I'm on husband #2, so I know a thing about forever and forever). We of course want marriages to last, but these days, you never know.

Your children, however, are forever. I love having 2, they're far apart in age, but it's worked out better than if I had planned it myself. Plus our family is small. After I'm gone, uncles, aunts gone (neither of my siblings have children, so no cousins) my son would have been completely alone. At least when he's 60, he'll have his little sister, and visa versa. That's important to me. Hopefully one day, to them.

 

[tinkerlisa]

Things are more difficult with 2. Sharing me is the hardest thing for more older son. He was used to it just being me and him for 5 years.

You will definitly love each one no matter what. I know that I love both my boys. I was scared to death of having another baby. I didn't know how my oldest would react. At first he was great! He would help out with taking care of his brother. Then he quickly realized that he no longer was the center of attention. he grew very jealous and started actiung out.
I think that if my kids were closer in age, it wouldn't be like that. I think their bond would be closer.
They do get along fine. Although I know my older son wishes he didn't have to wait for his brother to be napping to use most of his toys!(small pieces)The trick is finding a balance. We make sure to make time for our older son. usually in the form of a friday night movie or some other fun activity. But we also make sure to do things as a whole family.

As I am writing this, i should note, we are contemplating having a third and trying *hopefully* to have a girl this time. Now after having 2, I realize that I have enough love for one more, only this time it will be sooner rather than later.