Opps DS20 did it again....AN MIP

[Talking Hands]

You dont know how much I want to do that....but I look in those baby blues and all those mothering instincts get poppin....I really am sick of his stunts....and he has pulled a few to say the least, but we have always been there to mop up the messes....only difference is these 2 MIP's are hard to resolve and I dont know if we are doing him any favors by stepping in. Our wonderful attorney friend got him a good deal, with some punishment, but in the end we paid the fine, paid for drug awareness class, arranged his community service at my school.....so maybe it didnt sting enough...

Let him handle it himself. Don't do anything to bail him out. Maybe if he takes his lumps he won't be so dumb next time. Sometimes it needs to be hard for them to learn. Hugs for you. It is tough to be a Mom.

 

[Taylor]

i agree. i know i'll also get flamed. but I think whats you're 18, going to college,work,air force etc. you're old enough to drink.
he was drinking in a house. i know he has to answer to the law, but i wouldn't cancel the trip either.

Keep in mind that Viking lives in Deutschland. They have a whole different attitude about drinking (I'm not saying that is bad).

Hey Viking - I will be back in Germany the 2nd week in June. How about a DIS meet in Eberstadt?

 

[figment52]

I dont know if we are doing him any favors by stepping in. Our wonderful attorney friend got him a good deal, with some punishment, but in the end we paid the fine, paid for drug awareness class, arranged his community service at my school.....so maybe it didnt sting enough...

There is your answer. You offered your guidence and support the first time.

The other poster said it very well. Hug him, tell him you love him but take your trip. Remember he knew about the MIP BEFORE the trip was planned. If he had said something then the trip may have been for a different date.

 

[barkley]

i believe you wrote that he is still your "dependant" -in what regard? financialy? by virtue of carrying him on your medical insurance? if he's living outside the home and you are footing the bill i think you're already doing him a major disservice (an adult child attending college away from home would be an entirely different matter) because he is not being held accountable for his own actions on a day to day basis (unless a person is self supporting there are no consequences if they opt not to make enuf money for rent/utilities/food-someone else will always be picking up the peices). i personaly think you should have let him take the fall the first time-no minor has any buisness having alcohol, IN A MOTOR VEHICAL let alone on school property (around here there are zones around some of the public schools-that include private homes located with the area- that raise some misdemeanor drug/alcohol charges to felonies. while a minor in possession of alcohol in an area a block away might be charged with a misdemeanor, that same minor would face felony charges within the zone).

unless he feels the full brunt of his actions he will NEVER learn. if he is unable to afford counsel there are public defenders, if he loses his liscence there is public transportation (or maybe one of the 21 year olds who got the booze for him and his buddies can give him a ride ).

p.s.-you may want to consider that his actions as a "dependent" may have greater financial impact on you than just for legal fees-if he's on your auto insurance you will be financialy liable for any dui injuries/deaths, you auto carrier may opt to drop ALL persons from the coverage based on this issue alone, and if he is on your health insurance and suffers any injury/illness that they can relate to his use of alcohol as a non 21 year old can result in total inelgibility to coverage for said injury/illness (and potentialy endanger the remainder of the family with cancellation).

 

[Tink9748]

I had a MIP when i was 19. Circumstances were different, outcome just the same. I have the best parents in the world. They have always been there for me and never judged me, however, I got myself into my mess, I had to get myself out. I paid for my own alcohol and drug classes, I was assigned to AA classes to which I went to by myself (even though I wasn't then nor am I now an alcoholic) and put on probabtion for a year. Let me tell you, going to AA classes when you don't have an alcohol problem is an eye opener.

Going through all of it myself definitely encouraged me not to do it again. At 20 you are legally an adult. It is time to start behaving like an adult and to know if you break the law there will be consequences to pay. You need to let him deal with it on his own. Hopefully he will be turning 21 soon and you won't have to worry about it happening again.

I would not cancel any vacation I had planned before I knew about it. Wish him good luck and let him know you will call after court to see how it went.

Best of luck.

 

[dbarker]

Tough Love. It is tough....especially on the parents.

 

[Chris2597]

You are sooooo right about "tough love being tough on the parents".....I swear he is so infuriating....He is not working right now as he has been recovering from an auto accident....However, I think he has been ready to get another job for awhile but is procratinating getting back out in the workforce....We told him that we would not pay any of the fines or fees regarding this MIP....He actually said to me.."well I am sure we can work something out"....I told him...I wanted to make it perfectly clear that his dad and I had no intention of paying a penny towards this, we would not loan him the $$...and he better get a job....and that he would have to work a payment plan out with the courts, not us.... It is much too easy to put payment off to the folks than it will be to the courts. He is driving a car I own, is on our car insurance that we pay, is on our med insurance....I know this sounds insane but I dont know how to lower the boom...and get him off of our payroll. I would not feel this way if I didnt feel that he was taking advantage...If he was in school it would be a different story. I feel like I am taking steps to make him take responsibilities for his actions, but I feel so trapped by this situation....I have a responsible job, people look to me decision making on the job but I feel totally out of control with this....